Hello! Long time so write! Over the last year I have been taking stock of my life and my faith. Alot has happened. My daughter and my granchildren have moved away because my daughter finally has someone to love her, respect her and treat in the way she deserves. This new man has taken such good care of my granchildren that you cant tell he is not their biological father. He is a father to in every aspect of the word. Although it broke my heart a little to see them go, I understand comepletly. It's a comfort to know that they are happy and healthy. I miss them so much, but I would never stand in the way of their happiness. I see them as much as I can. Funny how life changes so much. Just when you think things are on an even level another wrench gets thrown into the pile. The holidays are upon me now and I miss my boys very much. Especially at Christmas. I have conquered many fears over the years but the one that sticks with me is the thought of losing another child. I work very hard to not let the fear run my life but there's always that little voice that says I have no control over death. My mother and I have had words over what she thinks defines miracles. I could be wrong, but I have a very different view of it. Here's my view. After everything that has happened in my life i have to wonder why would one person get a miracle and not the other? Why would God save one child and not mine? I pray alot, I keep the faith, so whats the deal? When I think about all the parents who carry so much saddness in their hearts over the deaths of their children, it makes me wonder where were their miracles? Well here's my answer. I don't think God specifically creates miracles. I believe that God gives us the tools to create them for eachother. We are all given gifts to share. My daughter survived not because God saved her but because God gave the doctors and nurses the gifts they needed to save her. I just can't believe that God sits on his throne and decides who lives who dies, and who gets a miracle, and who doesn't. That makes no sense to me at all. When I pray at night I ask for forgiveness, courage, strength and wisdom because I know in my heart that God leaves most things in my life up to me. Yesterday my brother in law sent a copy of my sons funeral bulletin. I wasnt expecting it so when I saw it It made me sick all over again. Even after all this time looking at these things still breaks my heart. We all want a miracle. Nobody wants to bury their child. I know I dont but I have already done it twice. So where's my miracle? My miracle is in my survival. It's in my life every day I get out of bed and can face another day. That's a miracle! There's just so many questions I would love to ask God, but since that's not possible here on earth I will just follow my heart, and my heart tells me that God loves us all, and if he could he would save everyone from feeling such a terrible loss as the loss of a child. This Christmas my wish for all parents who have had to go through the death of a child is that you find peace in your heart, and the miracle of love that death cannot sever. To my beautiful daughters who are still here with me, I love you so much and I am so proud to be your mother, and I am grateful to God for giving me too the gift of creating miracles. It's all in how you think about it. To my sweet, beautiful sons who are in heaven, I love you everyday, and I miss you every minute. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good nights sleep!