Hello my blog. It's been a long time since I have spoke to you. I must say I have missed you. For a long time I thought I might delete you and ever come back to this sight. I felt like no one wanted to hear about the good and about survival, but I have learned that to each his own. I am at a crossroad in my life. I have learned that not everyone reaches this crossroad at the same time. I am a very hardheaded kinda gal. I have been through so much over the years that it makes my head spin when I think about it. My, my, my what knowledge and wisdom I have gained over the years. I have learned so much about humans and the human spirit through my journey. Oh I still miss my boys and I would give it all up to have them back even for just a minute, but then reality sinks in. I really didnt think I would survive Dels death let alone Ben dying too. Well here I am. I'm still here, I can still breathe, and with much hesitation I have learned to love again.

My family is having a big Easter celebration in which I will be returning home to attend. It's painfull to think that I will have to spend a whole day with the same people who abandoned me when Ben died. I'm talking about my family. My brother and 4 sisters, my mother and father and all those who were supposed to love me and care for me. I'm still really ticked off with all of them. I dont think I will ever have the same love and respect for them as I had before. I will go and I will put my best foot forward, but only because I dont believe 2 wrongs make a right. Also because of what I have been through I dont feel the need to hurt them as they have hurt me. Although sometimes I would really like for them to feel the pain that their absurd actions have caused me and my daughters and husband. My father is 86 and my mother is 81 so really dont want them to leave this world with any pain that I have caused. also I dont want to spend the rest of my days feeling guilty because I have hurt them in retaliation for what they have done to me. So I guess you could say that my actions are selfish, but whatever.

I would like to talk to you today about God.Touchy subject eh. Before my boys died I believed in God because I was raised to fear him. As I got older I think I believed because I thought it was the right thing to do. then when my sons were killed I figured I had to believe in him so I could survive. Wow what a concept. Now I believe in God because I know in my heart that I cant be this angry with someone who doesnt exist so I must believe. It's been a viscious circle for me. Sometimes I still resort to believing in God because at times I have nothing else. If I allow myself to think there is no God it scares the crap out of me cause how can I go on if I have nothing to believe in. I sure hope God understands all this doubt and anger. I'm pretty sure he does after all he did give his own son to die for all. That couldnt have been easy for him either. I so know one thing is for sure. Without my faith and beliefs I too would be dead. This is how I know there is a God. I'm still here. I am able to love. I am able to laugh. I am able to enjoy life most of the time, and even in my darkest hour I dont feel alone. Even though I dont think I'll ever be able to understand or make sense of all that has happened, I feel ok with that. Oh sure I would give almost anything to know why all this has happened and why my boys died, but I am at a crossroad in my journey that allows me to be ok and accepting of the things I cant change.