Over

I feel so hopelessly broken today. I put on my ",normal" face today and went to work. I talked to people even laughed, but inside I was screaming "Can't you see I need help? I'm dying here!". Of course, those were only words heard within. Only one person that I work with, an alarmingly intuitive soul, HEARD my voice on the phone and knew something wasn't right. Knew that wasn't me. Knew I had been crying, but didn't want to come out and ask. So she posed another question, " Have you got a cold or allergies? A pause that was a second too long, then I replied, "Something like that, I guess" and hurriedly changed the subject. People can't fix my grief. So why even bother them? Nobody, no pill can fix it. Just want it over with, sometimes. Don't mean to be gross, but my constant grief reminds me of vomiting. Nobody wants to do it. I had rather face a firing squad than do it, will do everything in my power to keep from it. But that horrible nausea gets to be a terrible burden to bear and so you just let it out, as unpleasant as it's going to be, because you know relief will follow. That's where I'm at with this grief. I just want IT or ME to be over...

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Comment by FLORA on May 4, 2016 at 1:30pm

Hi Felicia, I too know how you feel. I lost the love of my life going on three months ago, and the grief is an awful, terrible feeling, and it's always there!!! He's the first thing on my mind in the morning, the last thing at night, and all day in between..... I just want it to stop!!! I'll always love and miss him with all my heart, but I want to be happy again, otherwise what's the point of living??

Comment by HollowHeart on May 2, 2016 at 11:19am

I know just how you feel. I know that may sound presumptuous, but I get it. I would also rather face a firing squad, at least this pain would be over then. I am another one of those sad souls that has to go to work (and job I don't even like which makes it worse) and pretend to be OK and socialize. I just want to crawl in a hole and stay there. I understand exactly wanting someone to see your pain but also knowing they don't care and there is nothing they can do anyway. I guess there is a feeling of wanting someone to realize how much suffering you are going through on a daily basis. How I think about wanting to die multiple times a day to end this torment. I'm tired of being miserable.

Comment by Felicia on April 28, 2016 at 8:34pm

I am very sorry for your losses, as well.  It is so difficult to be "normal" for everyone elses'  sake when your heart is breaking inside you.  Looking forward to this promise from God coming true, Isaiah 25:8--"God will swallow up death FOREVER, and wipe the tears from all faces..."

Comment by Sharon Stolp on April 28, 2016 at 5:30am

My heart understands so well what you are saying. I lost my husband of 46 years Feb.5th, 2016 at 11:15 a.m. due to cardiac arrest.  It hurts so badly.

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