This weekend will be one year since my dad died, i haven't been on here in a while. I've been getting really down alot recently, and also angry. I can feel myself taking my anger out on my mum, and i know i shouldn't. I want to stop myself but i can't, and after i'm done i hate myself for it.

I can't believe how quickly this year has gone by. Most of it i can't even remember.

I don't want to do anything, i don't have the motivation to get up and go find a job.

I don't want to sound suicidal or anything, but i really want to die. Not in a depressed way though, not really, more like i just want to go and be with my dad. I feel like i would be happier with him. I don't want to bother with going through life now, growing up, getting a career, maybe a family. I just want to be at the end now.

But it's weird as i said, because i don't say this and feel upset, it makes me feel really happy at the thought of it.