I have been having a pretty tough time recently, as my older posts show. So I have had to do some serious soul searching, and I did not like what I saw. I saw a child throwing a temper tantrum because things didn't go her way. I saw a mother with a very broken heart, and I saw a middle aged woman doing nothing, to help herself. Worst of all I saw a angry, sad, and lost human being. I wanted every one else to fix it, or to help fix it. I couldn't muster up the strength or courage to do something about it. I'm startled to think about how long it took me to wake up, and come back from my dark place. It always seems to happen when I have been sick or injured. So why can't I see it coming? Also the more serious the injury or illness the worse these episodes are. So how do the two connect? What can I do to make them less traumatic? I don't know how my husband can stand me when I have a episode. I write a lot. I have 2 journals I keep so I know how I have behaved, and it's not pretty. The pain I get in my heart sometimes is close to unbearable. Well that's how it's been for a while till today! I've been so busy feeling sorry for myself that I didn't listen to my soul. Then I got angry with God, and I told God that as a planner he sucked! I've always heard that when we make plans for our lives, God laughs because he's got much bigger plans for us. So I thought about it and I Told God he sucked at it. By Sunday evening my brain finally started to over ride my emotions, and I posted on Facebook that I needed to get a life, and the gal from the daycare in my town asked me if I wanted to come work a few hours a week being a grandma for the daycare kids! I thought what a brilliant idea. I cant' be around my own grandchildren but once every couple of months because they live so far away, so why not give all this love I have locked away and put it to good use. My favorite memories are of rocking my own babies, cuddling, and quietly singing in their ear. I miss my grandbabies so much, but I have to start living life. I'm so happy my girls are doing great, and are happy. Now I need to do that for me. It's senseless to sit around waiting to be loved and needed. Time for me to share better parts of my heart. I need to do this for me, and my family so we can all be happy! Anyway after talking to the daycare lady today, I hung up the phone, and I started laughing. I knew that God did have a good plan for me, and I'm going to follow his lead. I hope God is in heaven giggling too! All my whining about being alone, and I wasn't alone for one second! What a sense of humor! God is pretty funny!