Since I first became a part of the group nobody wants to belong too, I have often wondered to myself, does anybody really care? or are we all here just trying to survive? Does anyone really live? or is this just like the hamster who goes round and round, and round? Every day I do my best to have a positive attitude, and everyday I think this will be the day that I get some time off from being a grieving person. I have good days, and bad days like everyone else. Sometimes I can cope, and handle things, and somedays I cant'. I'm sick and tired of all of it. I'm feeling pretty ugly today. I'm sick and tired of the fight. I have a angry soul, and my spirit is pissed off. I have been there for a lot of people in my life, and here I sit alone, pissed off, feeling sorry for myself, and the only one that it even bothers is me! So why the hell do I do it? I don't know. If I knew I'd put a stop to it. I miss my boys. I should have a house full of grandchildren. That was my big dream. That's why I had 4 kids. I wanted to prove to myself that life is good, and that good things come to good folks who work hard, love their family, and praise the Lord. This was not in the dream. Losing my sons one after the other was not part of the plan. People tell me that God laughs when we make plans because he makes the plans for us. Well to be blunt if this is Gods plan than it sucks! I put everything into my family. I have survived bad weather, accidents, being trampled by a herd of cattle, froze my fat hindend off saving baby calves, and shoveling coal to heat our home in the winter, and for what? To spend my days alone waiting for the other shoe to drop. All that therapy crap blah,blah,blah. It's not working today. Nothing works today. I'm just a stupid hamster on the wheel going round and round, and round. All I can say to that is STOP, I want to get off. I want to get off and run like hell. I have questions that no one can answer. I want to scream but theres no one to listen. I want to cry my eyes out but the tears wont come. I want to yell my head off, but theres no one to yell at. I better wake up in a better mood tomorrow.