I just don't know what's wrong with me today. Actually all week. Can't seem to focus, stay on task or stay awake. My eyes don't want to stay open, and my mind don't want to shut off. This is were the confusion and frustration seep in. I live every day coping and using my skills. I just wish for a day off. Just one day off from being me. My life wears me out. I watch all the Catholics go to church every Saturday night, and Sunday morning. I cant remember what it's like being part of it all. I think some days I would like to participate, and then the fear creeps in. I see all those people, all the families, and the Priest standing outside the church doors greeting his parish. I just sit and wonder. I wonder about everything. I used to be able to go and enjoy church. I used to be a part of it all, and now I just sit and watch from my front window. I hope God understands. I never really know if he does, because on many days I live in such hell that I don't know if he gets my fear and confusion or not. I know I can't change things, and I also know that I have to live with what's happened, but dang I sure wish I could have one day where I wouldn't have to think about life, death, all of it. I can't let it break me. If I give up than satan wins. I will go to my grave fighting and scrapping to survive no matter how tough it gets. People say, and think that it goes away. Ha! I've got news for all. It does not go away. It's easier to handle some days. Some day's I even laugh, and have fun, but it never goes away. It feels like a life sentence some days. Oh what I wouldn't give to be innocent again. To be free of all the baggage that come's with the loss of innocence. I try not to dream about it too much because when reality hits I feel like I've been sucker punched in the gut. Isn't it strange that after the loss of a child I've never felt like I belong anywhere anymore. Than after the 2nd time around these feelings get even more severe.  I try to keep busy, I know how to distract, but how much more can I do? I've been told it could be worse, but for some reason I just can't see how! I live in the middle of nowhere. I haven't any close friends anymore. My husband works all day, and then works on the farm till dark. I make and serve my husband his supper. He eats washes, watches Fox news, and then off to sleep. So I guess you could day I spend the better part of my days alone. Alone with memories. My daughters have moved on and have their own lives. My grandchildren are moved away so getting to them has to be a planned deal. Boo Hoo Hoo, poor me! Yes I am a cry baby! On a happy note, my flowers are all in bloom, my yard looks nice, and my dog is happy since I've been walking her! I do a lot of things, but I do them alone. That's the confusion. Why am I always alone? Why don't people want to be my friend? I feel like a leper! Oh well just one more thing I have to live with. Maybe i'm choosing to be alone? After all when i'm alone I don't have to talk if I don't want to, I don't have to deal with other peoples problems, and I don't have to explain anything. Woo I am one confused human. I am having surgery hopefully next month, and when it's over I think I'll get a life. Maybe I'll get a job that I can go to in the afternoons. I'm good to go in the afternoon. I guess i'll just wait and see!. Im going to stop the self pity now and go mow my lawn. Got to get the positive thinking back. Why does life have to be such tough work? I know I'm not alone in the death thing, but I kinda wish I was. Then no one else would have to suffer or work this hard to keep a clear head. Keep the faith, and keep on swimming! Don't let the grief drown you!