I can't understand why I keep having to learn that lesson over, and over! I'm off work today. Yep that's right I started my new job at the daycare center. I must say I do enjoy the little ones so much. At first I was a bit sad because the memories of the boys became so vivid in my mind, but somehow the sadness turned into joy. Joy because I did have the time I had with both boys. While I changed a dirty diaper, and played peek a boo with a wee one I was reminded that besides their death it would've been worse had I never had them at all. Never felt the love, and the joy that they brought to my life. I couldn't imagine how poor my life would've been without having them. Yes I do and probably always will feel ripped off, cheated, and robbed of the children I adored. I'll always be angry that their not here to be loved by their sisters. Most of all there will always be a part of my heart that will never heal until we are all reunited in heaven. I sat here for the last few weeks having a pity party, feeling crazy, longing for love, and attention, and then the thought came to me. I thought to myself "get up off your butt and do something about your life. Think of a way to regroup, and restart the process of living". Baby steps. I'll just take baby steps. So far so good! I' still in a bit of a funk, but I am on the upside of the dark. I'm grateful that once again the dark days came and went without totally losing my mind. I wonder sometimes how many times will I be able to pick myself up? I try not to think of all the times I have picked myself up. Some days I'm proud that I found the strength to get back up, and some day's I'm not sure if I can do it. Mostly I do my best to not let things kick me down in the first place. Oh how wonderful would that be. To have the power to stop the darkness in my heart before it takes me down! Since I do not possess that kind of power I have to rely on coping skills. Some of which I have mastered, and some I still work very hard on. Grief never takes a holiday. It's always lurking somewhere. I think the trick for me is to not let the darkness override the light, and always be willing to help myself. After all I do listen to myself every once in a while!