Iam so tired. I need to cut back on the drink I have everyday. When she was alive their was this sick scenero where she would out of the blue throw me out. I used or use alcohol as a crutch. I have never dealt with the problem of her vindicative ,revengful mood swings accept to accept my fate and drive around with my clothes in the car untile she felt better. She was always making irational decisons and then backing out.Like buying new homes ,maby she sensed my subconscious feelngs about not wanting to buy a house or she gets cold feet and backs I never went up against her for fear of reprisal. I got a DWI years back or one of my trips away from home. Thinking back I probably used being kicked out as a excuse to feel sorry for myself and drink. So typical alcohlic thinking ,mental crutch way of coping .

So its hard me we did what we did I cherished the good times and endured the bad times. Do I feel guilty ,yes.Do I rationalize my decision to have her ventelator tube removed. There was a lot of things that went really bad.

For years she was coming to the hospital. She was a dialysis patient and that of course requires you to take extra care of your body. No one ever holds anybodies hand in a dialysis clinic,the staff and doctors monitor your health and tell you what pills to take and the procedures that go on . Its up to you to ahere to it. At least thats my way of thinking.

It was unfortunate that she went on dialysis,we both took it well.She of course tried to do all sort of alternative things about her kidneys but it never worked out. Her health to its toil on her one way or the other. I don,t think she took care of herself.

More later