Well here it is. Memorial Day. Comes every year the same time The difference is this year my heart is as dark and lonely as the ocean in the middle of a moonless night. The clouds are dark and they remind me of how hard people try to overcome the devastating loss of someone they love more than life itself. It will pass they say. It will get better I have heard a million times. I have said those same words myself a million times. They do get better, but for how long? Just long enough to start getting back on your feet and starting all over. Then WHAM, here it comes again. Then I get the God thing. I don't want to hear that God has his reasons. I'm tired of hearing of how God needed my children more than I. I'm tired of hearing that someday i'll understand. I Want to know today, right now, right this minute. They tell me nothings fair in this world, as if I don't have a clue about what's fair and what's not. I'm angry. I'm damn angry. I'm damn hurt, and confused, and just plain pissed off at everything. I think about the parents who's soldiers have died in war, and for what? People don't want to get along. Most of them want wealth and power, and it doesn't matter who they have to hurt or destroy to get it. Leaders of the nations. What a joke. The real people of this world don't want all this war. Real people just want everyone to get along. If you want to be Muslim than be Muslim, but don't force your beliefs and actions on others who are not Muslim. Catholics there's nothing wrong with being Catholic. Believe the Catholic way, but don't tread on anyone else. Blacks, I believe all people should be treated with love and kindness no matter the color of their skin. I just don't understand why we just can't get along. You don't tread on me and I won't tread on you. This just doesn't seem like it should be such a big deal.  I looked at a picture of my soldier Ben today, and I wept as if he had just passed. A picture is all I have of Ben in his dress blues. The only time I got to see my sweet soldier in his dress blues in person was the day I buried him. Fair? I had to hold my little 12 year old boy all burned up in a bag of phermeldihyde . Fair? I've watched all of their friends grow up, get married, have babies, while the only thing I can do is wonder what it must be like. Fair? I think not. People have told me " if you need anything at all just call, and I'll be there for you, but what they are really saying is "please don't call, I just said that to make myself feel better. Isn't it funny when i'm needed I'm always there, and sincerely ready to help, but when I need a shoulder or just a gentle hug, nobody answers the phone, or their to busy. I am to the point that I don't release any of my feelings to anyone any more. I always end up listening to everyone else's troubles. sometimes I wish I could just scream so loud that my head would explode. Is there something wrong with me? Does anyone else feel this way? When my sons friends were getting married I hurt so bad. Then I felt guilty. Not angry because of their happiness. I would never begrudge others of their happiness, but because I always dreamed that would be me. Now their are all having babies, and i'm happy for them. I'm filled with excitement for them and their families. but I also hurt for me. As selfish as it sounds, that should've been me too. I worked hard all of my life. I dreamed that one day I would have a houseful of beautiful grandchildren to fill my heart, and that's never going to happen now. Do these feelings make me a bad person? Does anyone else have these feelings? or am I just such a terrible person that I think this way? I've tried to talk to other parents who have also lost a child, but nobody wants to talk about it. I do. I need to. Please if there is anyone out there who feels the same way and needs to talk about it too please write me.

I spend just about everyday all alone. The phone doesn't ring, no one comes over unless they need something from me. What can I do. People see me on the street and they cross over so they don't have to talk to me. They still do that after all this time. I'm in a bad way. I haven't felt this bad in a very long time. I don't like it but I don't know what to do about it.

I pray, and I pray, and I pray, but I feel like God too is crossing the street to get away from me. I wish I could get away from me too. I'm in a world of hurt and I feel like nobody cares. I know i'm feeling sorry for myself. I know I shouldn't, but I can't stop it today. This is the first time in a long time I have endulged myself in so much self pity, and I know it's wrong but nobody cares.

I really thought once I got my family back on their feet I would be ok too. My oldest daughter who had been severly injured in the accident that killed my son, is now working at a new job that she is happy at. My youngest daughter is about to be married to a wonderful man who loves her deeply, and my husband has finally taken a job to help him get his thoughts back on track after losing our son, and now I have nothing to hide behind. Everyone is happy and content but me. This whole death of my children is something I can't fix. I know this is what I have to live with for the rest of my life, but I don't understand why I can feel good for so long and then it hits me like a ton of crap and I can barely breath let alone fight for my life. I pray that someone out there reads this blog and lets me know that i'm not alone. I'm glad I wrote this blog because I was on the verge of taking a handful of pills and going to sleep so it can all go away. That's wrong too.  I was told to move away to somewhere else, but the problem with that is that I can run but I cant hide, atleast not from myself. I hurt today for every parent who has had to bury their child or children. I wish I couldn't imagine how others parents feel. I wish I was as clueless as those who have never walked in our shoes. All I can think of is "Stop the world I want to get off" I wish I could be a motivational speaker. I have learned so much over the years about greif and deceased children, maybe if I could share my story, and help others maybe I could help heal myself once again. Thanks to all of you who read my blog of insanity without judging me. I have a feeling that some of you feel the same way I do, but are afraid to say it. You never have to be afraid to open up to me good or bad, I will always listen. I'm tired of feeling like the only one in the world who hurts this bad, and is this angry. Please someone out there talk to me.