I know I'm "too young" to feel this way, and I did not lose a spouse. I lost parents. Three parents. I was not the full time care taker for any of them, but I was a 100% support person for all of them as well as my dad and with my sister in law who was just about full time with my father in law.

What I mean to say is that for 3 years straight- and I know that isn't a long time in the scope of things, but it felt like a long time- I was helping with sick and dying parents and the people affected by it. I'm only 37! What I am noticing now is surprising to me. I really felt like I/we would feel relief that we are done helping people die, but instead I feel pointless.

I clean houses for a living, and it's been a Godsend because it's all friends and family who know us and know what has been going on so when I couldn't work because of _____________ (insert sick parents name here), they were okay with it, more than okay with it. But now I just feel like I am doing nothing important at all. I clean houses. I know it "helps" people, but they can live without me.

I don't want to go back to school, being here for my kids is still my top priority.  But again, I am not doing things here that my husband and children couldn't figure out on their own. I just feel pointless. I am not holding an important space.

Which, of course, must be wrong. When I am not neck deep grieving, I know my space is important. I know YOURS is important, so mine must be too, but I just don't see it or feel it. Getting blown off on Mother's Day most certainly did not help- he feels plenty bad about that and has worked hard to right it and has apologized, but that was the ONE day NOT to screw up since it was my first without my mommy too, and that is a gigantic insult to be NOT appreciated on that day. When I'm feeling like this, too. Not very cool.

I am a kidney donor. I mention that because it actually comes into play. I feel like I already did my BIG THING for this life. I have 4 kids, a husband, I donated a kidney and have loved the world really, really well. I helped send off 3 parents with love, and now...what? Probably too young to feel this way, but I most assuredly do feel this way.

I have sent out some volunteer forms to get myself back out there. I used to be active with that, and it's time to do it again. Be a baby cuddler maybe? Work at the humane society? I was just there today, looking at doggies. Will a doggie help me?

I wonder how long this is going to take. I'm REALLY tired of firsts, and double firsts now. Father's day is coming up- this will be FUN to celebrate my dad since he is the dad for both sides of the family  and he is literally THE BEST EVER EVER EVER, but it will be sad since Mike has just passed.  Then it's all the birthdays, mine, my sisters, my dads, my sister in law and her dad share a birthday (ouch), I can't wait until mom's anniversary of her passing comes in September. I DO have hope that the 2nd time around things won't sting so bad. Am I wrong? We have to open the cabin memorial weekend. I have never ever been there with my dad, Cullen and the kids and NOT my mom to hang out with. Who will I hang out with? My mom's sister knows we will be there, maybe she will come save me.

It's been a whiny week for me. I can't wait til it passes and I can see straight again. I know God too well to be feeling this way. HOW AM I feeling this way? I know God, I see God, I know Love, I see Love, how, how, how am I feeling so pointless? How come I am swimming in grief?

And how long til it's OVER?