I'm sure all of this is cumulating for a reason, a point, I will be pushed over the edge and give birth to a wonderful insight, or do something amazing with my Knowingness. 

But right now, I'm just drowning. 

It was mother's day yesterday, my first without my mommy, and the month anniversary of Mike's passing. Losing 3 parents in such a short amount of time is hard enough, without doing double firsts like we are now. 

My husband failed yesterday, but he is grieving also so I am to give him some room right? But just for one day couldn't he do something to show me his love?  I don't require flowers, I don't require anything that costs anything, and I guess anything outside of what is buyable is too hard. Who gives a crap about me growing or birthing 4 kids, or what it took to survive having 4 kids 4 and under? Who cares? Who cares about helping parent after parent die in a short amount of time while working and raising 4 kids? No big deal here, folks. Just look at my day as proof. No big deal. I'm devastated that it will take me NOT being here before they understand what goes into my love. 

I'm pissed, actually, and as it turns out, it's unacceptable to be pissed about anything. Trust me, I get it. It's a totally uncomfortable feeling. I'm NOT comfortable. I'm angry and hateful, and what makes it worse is that I'm the happiest, most blessed person on the planet. It makes it SUPER unacceptable for m to be angry. My sister would have me on meds knowing how mad I am. I'm sick of the expectations of the world- no one (except you) understands.  Multiple losses in a short amount of time is the hardest crap to deal with ever. I hate this. I'm pissed. I am so tired of having to put on a happy face and carry on. I'm sick of feeling like I need to be working all the time. I'm sick of trying to remember all the kids' stuff going on. I'm pissed off. This isn't fair! These expectations aren't fair. Come ON! I miss my mom, I miss Jane, I miss Mike, I miss having things feel normal. I'm tired of going through dead people's things and making decisions. I'm tired of reliving awful moments full of pain and anguish before they passed. I'm sick of this. 

I'm tired. 

Mother's Day pushed me over the edge. The lack of anything just reinforces that there is no real point in my being here, doesn't it? What's the POINT? I've been taking care of parents for so long. I clean houses for a living. No one can't live without me being their house cleaner. Husband and kids would figure out how to run the house. I know it sounds suicidal, and I'm not planning on checking out, I'm really not- my dad could NOT handle or survive that, but I'm just sad that there's no real point to me. It was one day out of the year, and it was silly for me to think that my husband would really stop and be in the moment and acknowledge what I do. But he's grieving too. 

I planted plants yesterday. Lavendar, spearmint, oregano, tomatoes.  See? I can do good things. I know how to move forward and do things to save myself. Sometimes I am good even. I am positive that PMS is not helping me at all right now, plus Mother's Day. 

Maybe tomorrow will feel better?