Today I had another one of my weekly cookouts - luckily the weather was nice.  Lots of Michael's friends came over and we chatted and talked.  I teared up a few times but for the most part I stayed upbeat and content. 

I remember seeing one of Michael's good friend at a restaurant a week ago on Saturday.  When he caught my eye he came right over and gave me a big hug and said, "I miss him so much".  I began to cry and he tried to comfort me.  I asked him to come to the cook out at which point he said he would. 

Well he didn't come but his live in girlfriend did who is pregnant with his child and also has another daughter around 5.  I got introduced and asked where Matt was at which point she said he couldn't make it.  Later I found out that Matt had been arrested for possession of heroin.  I was shocked to say the least.  He looked fine when I saw him. 

I also learned that the Friday before Michael passed - they had done pills together.  Stephanie told me how she picked Matt and Michael up and was so mad at them.  It was the last time she would see Michael.  Matt was having such a tough time dealing with the fact that he engaged in using pills with Michael instead of helping out that he was constantly crying and feeling really bad.

I bring this up because when I saw Matt I remember having some small resentment toward Matt for being alive and productive.  Why couldn't that have been Michael?  Why didn't Michael try harder to keep his life in order?  Why am I left with this immense heavy heart and void of my soul mate and love of my life? 

I didn't say anything to anyone about my feelings but my mind pondered how no one is without struggles and difficulties, and just because Matt "looked" together, he was suffering internally.  I found myself having empathy for him instead of resentment.