I heard humming upstairs,

like a moth against a screen.

I thought it was you;

I ran up towards the sound, a

pillow of warm expectations

clutched inside my pounding heart.

It was not you.

A fallen Christmas bulb

circled around wooden floors

singing in bright colors with

dancing, bouncing bells

I heard glasses of peppermint

martinis clink together,cheer in the

next room at a holiday party, 

"I'll just have a sprite,"

a man's voice declared.

I thought it was you.

I headed to the room,

quickly spotting a sweetly, smiling

man with a full head of grey hair,

holding a cane and enjoying your favorite soda.

It was not you.

I closed my eyes as our family said grace,

In the silence a man's voice whispered,

"I am glad to be here"

Shooting my eyes back open,

certain it was you,

I remembered the sad, grateful eyes;

belonging to the recently separated

man my sister invited to diner;

he had no where else to go.

It was not you

Resigned, lonely and left only with more tears,

I went to bed early on Christmas night.

I dreamed of a man with familiar blue eyes

and the kindness face I had ever known.

You hugged me for a moment

You touched the side of my face,

where I had cried, a touch I had imagined

since you were taken, your special brand of

tenderness. "It is you", I said, amazed, "It's really you!"

"Yes," he said, smiling, no pain, no inner struggles, only

deep love and comfort.

He said couldn't stay long this time, but

before he went, he held me even closer;

He had one more thing he wanted me to hear,

one more thing he needed me to understand.

"They were all me", sweetheart, please never forget, 

"They are always me"

Christine S