Hello. I'm new to the group and am feeling my way around the site. I lost my mother five years ago and the most recent, and main reason for joining this community, I lost the love of my life and best friend, my boyfriend, Brian. This happen on April 16th of this year so it's only been a little over two months. He hit head-on a delivery box truck and flipped over several times. He died on impact, which helps a little bit because I know he didn't suffer or experience any pain. Still, I'm having a very hard time wrapping my head around why. I know that I shouldn't try to drive myself crazy over getting an answer because there is virtually no way of knowing why, but I can't help it. The heartache I experience everyday is so unbearable some days that I can't even get myself out of our bed. We lived together and we were perfect together. We completely understood each other and had no issues whatsoever. I am bipolar and have been diagnosed with it for about seven years, but it's very well controlled. I go through weeks of depression, but I don't want to be on anymore medications. Brian was a musician, he had two bachelor's degrees in music and pyschology. He play the guitar primarily, but he played all different instruments especially the piano. I miss his music so much. My heart just hurts all the time. I constantly replay coming up to the accident and seeing the car the way it was. I will cry in my bathroom in front of the mirror as I talk to him and continue doing that through my shower. I just keep getting hit in waves of pain. Does anyone have anything similar or some advice for me?