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Comment by morgan on April 5, 2015 at 2:50pm

 Kim, 

What a sad day for you.  Sad is the word but the feelings behind it are what make it so hard. You had love.  You experienced something that some people never have.  Yet it doesn’t make it any easier.

You said something I think is very true.  You said “ I’m getting used to it now”.  We are not used to the grinding pain but we are used to the fact that the grinding pain is going to be there no matter.  At one point I think we thought somehow the pain would be less.  Or that it would lessen.  Or that it might even go away. What we come to realize is it never does any of those things we just get used to carrying the pain as a constant companion.  We realize this is as good as it gets.  It varies in the form it takes but we never get beyond the loss. 

Some people don’t experience it as a loss.  But that is because they never had love in the first place or so little of it their lives are not irretreivably changed so much.  You don’t miss what you don’t know.  We on the other hand have known what love means. 

My wish for you is somehow your love for your husband strengthens and the two of you pick your way through the minefiled of emotions and grasp each others hand when you find a safe spot to rest.  Having to resign ourselves to the finality of this spectre is not something we are equipped to do without some help.  We need to accept help where we find it to be the most comfortable in expressing our feelings.  Here on this website we find it comfortable to express our feelings.  If at all possible and maybe in small amounts, it helps to find another more local and flesh bound support.  Maybe your husband.  Letting someone help us when we are in this much pain is the trick.  Here we do it anonymously where the other way requires becoming somewhat vulnerable again.  None of us want that.  It’s why we hurt in the first place.  We don’t want to be vulnerable to any more hurt if we can help it. 

But today, release the balloons.  Count the stars.  Have some chocolate.  Cry.  Give a hug.  Listen to the birds.  Know we walk with you on this treacherous path.

And I would have written sooner but I did not realize that I had a message from you.  Now I see the inbox and know to check it.

Please take care and take a deep breath. Hugs to your Shawn on his birthday.