I lost my father five months ago and ever since then I have just been broken and hurting. The friends that I was counting on were not there the way they said they would be, which just hurt even more. I fell like I've just been in so much pain recently because I am not around any of the people. I can't talk to my father, my mother is too broken heated to be comforting, and I have not heard from my best friend in several weeks. I was so tired so just being in pain all the time I am starting to shut down emotionally. I used to cry everyday, but I have not cried much at all recently. I don't think this is because I am doing better, I think it is because I am becoming dead inside and emotionless. I guess it is a defense mechanism to shut down so the pain subsides. I have never felt so distant and emotionless in my life before and I scares me. I find myself starting to not care that no one has reached out to me, not caring to talk to or see my family, not caring to spend time with friends. I am graduating from college in a few weeks and I find myself not even caring about that or feeling sad that I am leaving. Yesterday was 5 months since my dad's accident and I didn't even cry or feel anything even though the 4th of each month preceding I was so depressed I couldn't get out of bed or even sleep. Part of me feels relieved not to feel so sad and full of pain all of the time, but another part of me is scared that I feel nothing. I am scared that I am finding myself wanted to shut everyone out and scared that I feel like I couldn't even care that they are not in my life. Part of me doesn't even want to see them because I don't want to be forced to feel anything. This primarily scares me because I catch myself thinking that I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't like the numbness and I don't want to feel the pain. I believe that there is some sort of a heaven and I believe that there is nothing but pure joy, happiness, and love. That is how I want to feel and it scares me that I don't see how I can ever feel that way again in this world.