it does creep in that uh maby I didn,t do enough to keep her healthy,there was a lot of issues. She was in and out of the hosp so many times maby her son and me just grew immune to what was going on. I feel sad(she died may 26,2012) What went on the last time she was in the hosp was just a downward spirl into a trip to internity with no return. So I feel sad. I have mixed emotions,after all this wasn,t a picture perfect marriage (no kids except a boy form a former marriage. I would say my life was a disaster with her.It wasn,t her fauilt I never grew up (Iam 65) oh we we were married 35 yrs.

So yes people would probably tend to think you should get over it. Its hard for me to just jump from one life to another,I mistakenly started to see a psychologist.In the mean time Iam "finding myself" in sort of a small weak way. Well at least I havent been drinking heavy except when I had to get a bone scan. I told myself God is only going to give myself so many chances.

So I was thinking you bond so much with someone,its devistating to loose them .Although if I were to die and she lived Iam not sure if I would be missed(many reasons)

It has a an effect on you. Iam more or less going to force myself into change that I can accomplish. Maby Iam 00000001% getting myself together. Its taken me a long time to sleep on the bed by myself. When I see the car she drove in the driveway I still think she is home. She wasn,t half bad ,we used to go out and eat.

anyway Its to depressing to write about it anymore(today)

I can see myself going into the deep dark depths of depression or what ever happends when you cann,t seem to change ,lets hope not.

Dave