this last year has been a roller coaster of emotions of every kind

My mother has had a few health problems during the last 5 or 6 years. She was doing well for a few, until last year June 2013, she ended up with a collapsed lung,   Mom has been on a feeding tube for a few years, Because she lost the feeling of when you swallow, everything goes into her lungs, So basically she had aspiration pneumonia,  She had a tract put in, so it was more comfortable to scope her, then to incubate her.

So the last year was a trip to different hospitals and to different care centers.

I am going to jump to the end of the life of our mother,  During the hardest part of her journey, and the horrible pain she had to endure, Mom wanted to live, Made it very clear, as long as her mind was there she wanted to live!!!!  Her body was not working, But she wanted to live!  It was her choice!

She was placed on comfort care, she was breathing on her own, with the vent piggy backing her breaths.

The last few weeks were hard to see her in so much pain, My sister had POA over all moms affairs. We sat with mom almost constant the last 3 weeks, At one point they said she tried to pull her tract out, But I think she was telling them she was having anxiety, witch makes you feel you can not breathe, My sister decided to have them give her pain meds every 3 hrs, to keep her comfortable, It kept her in a non responsive state. And the use of the drugs were affecting her already drained kidneys.

A week before she passed, She did say I DON'T want to die!!!  Mom as to the point with all the meds in her, and now the kidney shutting down, she was needing the full support of the vent. My sister and I talked about weather we should remove the vent, we agreed, But she wanted to wait till Wednesday, I never understood why, Until recently. Which just shattered my trust in her!!

So today 3 weeks after my mother passed, I am truly believing That we killed our mother!!!

She wanted to live, and we drugged her and gave her those final does's of morphine   , and took the vent that helped her breathe,  As I held her hand She opened her eyes very wide, and tried to say something, The only response in days we had gotten from her. We watched as her lips turned the color of her skin, and the gasping of her trying to breathe, Her hand turned very cold, I knew the life was leaving her,

And at this moment in time, I will always be leave we killed our mother, and I can not forgive myself , for being part of it!!!!