I do not know how to cope with this loss. I do not know how to function like a regular person, when I feel I have been altered permanently. I am filled with rage. Patience is not a virtue I was born with, and now I am pushed to the limit. Having a two year old son while going through this grieving process seems like an impossible juxtaposition.

I remember my brother's laugh, his expressions, his face and am jolted to my core with the realization that his being gone is irreversible and his physical presence will never be a part of my life again. How does anyone make sense of this? What kind of universe do we live in? Why do I have to be the one to experience such a devastating, life altering loss at such a relatively young age? Most of my friends have barely experienced death at all, let alone such a traumatic one of someone so vital to their lives.

I don't want to be part of my community anymore. I don't want to bullshit and laugh and joke and talk about mundane things. I can pretend. For brief intervals. But I am never really there. My brother is always with me and his death and the trauma of watching him suffer is a black cloud always hovering overhead.