This morning I have been thinking about all the aspects of my life that have changed as a result of my wife being gone.  It is daunting.

When I wake up the house is always quiet, my son never wakes before me.  So there is no one else stirring and starting the day.  I am immediately faced with the loneliness and confronted with my loss.

I am now a single parent of a mentally challenged son.  The task is daunting even though his disability is on the mild side.  He is good natured and usually happy, but still has difficulty making friends.    I always thought Cheryl would be there with me to help him make it to an independent adult.  Worrying about my son and what is best for him causes me great amounts of fear and anxiety about the future.  And to be completely honest my son's issues make me afraid for myself and my ability to move on and ever finding a companion again.  

I feel like an outlier, people of my age are suppose to have grown kids or grand kids and I fear my son will never have the ability to live independently, my son is my companion but he thinks and speaks in such a childlike manor my need for meaningful adult conversation and companionship is not met,  just exacerbating my feelings of loneliness and loss.  Cheryl was so much of my universe, so easy to talk to, this is not how my life was supposed to be now. 

We have two dogs, they were her dog's, chihuahuas.  They only like a few people and are aggressive when some one new enters the house.  I have to lock them up when my sister comes over.  I now have to kennel them when I go out of town for work.  They too add to the fear of being able to move on and bring anyone new into my life.  I feel like I am talking out of two sides of my mouth, pining  over Cheryl and then talking about how I fear I will be unable to find a new companion.  The loss of love is so deep, I long for Cheryl obsessively, and yet I know she is forever gone, so I know I will want to one day find love again, but fear I won't.  I am 53. I have had some long lived relatives.  The thought of another 30, 40, or even 50 more years without love is overpowering me right now.

I usually get to this point in writing a blog post and my mind has settled down some.  But today, I think I made it worse.   I lost my true love of my life and fear I will never feel loved again.