Today I continued to clean out my house with my sister, nephew, and sons help.  I did not find anything unexpected today as I did yesterday and several times in the past.  It did not make it any easier, today the loneliness and longing filled me.  I never could stay angry at my wife for any length of time and that continues now after she passed away.  

Today one of the things I wanted to get done was to pack and move all the photos out of the house.  There were a lot, due to the fact that the majority of our marriage was during the non digital age.   And I could not help but look at some of them.  I don't know why I feel compelled to look at them when I know how badly it will hurt when I do.  

The photos are now packed away in the garage hopefully I can stay away from them for a while.  

The feelings I felt putting away the photos felt similar to those at the funeral.  It was like saying goodbye to her all over again.  I wondered if I would ever be able to unpack them and look at them again.  My wife had photos of one of her uncles she was close to and never looked at them after he died.  I looked through them, saved of few that had my wife in them, but threw most of them out.  And eventually someone will go through my things or my son's and just toss out all those photos of Cheryl and the lost memories attached to them.

Most of us are completely forgotten by the world within a few generations and the photos being boxed was just another step in Cheryl being erased from any living memory.  The old Kansas song, "Dust in the Wind", has been playing in my mind.  At least it's better than some of the other things that have setup shop in my head.

I am not a religious man, as I have said before, please don't be offended.  I can not accept the theological explanations of our place in the universe, but I still think there is more to our existence than just a vehicle for our DNA to perpetuate itself.  I just don't know what.  It's probably one of the oldest questions of humanity, and I don't believe there ever will be a definitive answer to it.  

I just need to accept my wife's fate and try to move ahead.  Remaining in this morose, depressed, contemplative state only hurts me and those around me.   My wife made her choices and they were tragic.  But it was her choices not mine, i have to get that through my head.  

Goodnight

Mark