It was just 5 years ago, today, that we met. I was 50 years old back then. Now, it's been 9 months since I lost him. A refrain keeps running through my head: I got cheated.

I understand what stood in the way . . . at least, as much as I can. God's heard me gripe about it and, still, I recognize some of the factors that came into play and I don't blame God. In some ways, that stinks. I wish I had some 'bad guy' to point a finger at. Unfortunately, it just is what it…

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I suppose this will be a quick update - I hear thunder and know a storm is coming in. It's a good thing, I suppose, with the drought we've been having.



After seven months, I still find this grief too hard. Last night, I awoke to a nightmare about Hollister and his past. Whatever that was, it stood between us for many years when we could have been together and I'm angry and sad about that. Four years (and a little change) isn't much to spend with 'the one.'



Lately, I've… Continue

I thought I was finally starting to come around again. I guess I was - and I guess I am - and yet grief pops up and blindsides us from time to time, doesn't it?

A couple of Hollister's friends have been helping me with things I can't do around the house. They're challenging friends, these 'bequests' of his. Both are dirt poor and have drug histories (one probably is still using; the other, well, the jury's still out). Right now, I'm coming up on a trip to my Dad's to help with…

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I wish I could claim perfection. The love of my life wasn't perfect - and neither was I. As I close in on 6 months without him, I keep dealing with his legacy of imperfect people. I hate it. Imperfect people come at me each day - needing things - and I come up empty. Maybe I can help - and maybe I can't. 

With him, I was the strong one. In many places in my life, I had to be the strong one. I'm not feeling very strong now. I keep hoping and praying I can just be - and not have…

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I could just slap you right now. 40 years in prison. You spent 40 years in prison. I spent a lifetime waiting on you. I know where you were. Was it worth it?

In 1957, 2 months before I was born, you moved to this state. That's never been lost on me. We were married the day I was born; you were here 2 months before I arrived.

I always knew I was waiting for something special. Something real. And I ended up waiting for 50 long, grueling years.

When…

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This sucks. I hate being in this place in my life. Today, anger came out. Your friend Petey has been here every day for a week. Often, more than once a day. Wanting to work for a little cash. Wanting a ride here or there. Wanting to use a phone. He's a nice enough guy - but enough already. I told him that he can come by - just not every day. 

Of course, he showed up again after that. Your dog had gotten loose. Where did she go? Why, she ended up over at Petey's, of course. So…

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March 27, 1946, you were born in Clarksville, Tennessee. You started life thinking your father was dead. In 1957, when he showed up and you answered the door, he told you he was your daddy. You replied, "My daddy's dead." Funny - I was born in Ohio in 1957 and that was the year you moved here. I was born a couple months after you arrived in Ohio.

You would have turned 66 tomorrow. Once upon a time, I would have thought you'd be old at that age. Now, I know you were still…

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I wasn't familiar with that phrase until I met Hollister. He told me, of his sister, "she's my heart." It made sense and, still, it didn't sink in all the way. I could tell why he said that - she was real and vibrant and, even in disability and declining health, more vital than most people could handle.

Tutti was larger than life. So was her brother Hollister. She gave Hollister a real surprise - she liked me. He told me that she'd never liked any woman in his life before me.…

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This afternoon, I'm having company. It's the first time I've tried this since Hollister passed in December. Truthfully, the house has been a disaster, so I've been working on cleaning it up as well as getting ready with food, etc.

Well, the hot water tank has quit working. Yesterday, the water had a bit of a tinge o heat. Today, nada. A large bowl I'd been planning to use just broke from water heated on the stove. Yahoo. Happy St. Patty's Day - wasn't the infamous Murphy of…

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I've got to move on . . . just a little. St. Patrick's Day is Saturday. I got cornered on Facebook and invited one person, who was Hollister's protege, and invited her to come to the house. Now, I've invited my sister, a friend of Hollister's, and his nephew and his family. I think that's enough.

It's not really a 'traditional' St. Patty's Day celebration. I'll be cooking on the grill - ribs are on the menu. Hollister loved when I grilled and we had people over to our house.…

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Today marks two years since my mother passed on. That started a season of losses - my love's sister passing, his diagnosis with cancer, my Dad passing, and Hollister's death. Until Hollister died in December, I just kept moving. Once he passed, it's all ground to a stop.

Most of today, though, has been OK. A friend of Hollister's was on Facebook while I was and we had a good chat. I tackled the job of sorting through some of his college papers and did well with that. It wasn't…

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Hollister died on December 23. He left just before Christmas. While he was in the hospital, all through December, he'd been preparing (behind my back) for Christmas. One day, I caught him with a large wad of money. He told me he wanted to get me something really special for Christmas. While we were talking, he asked if there was something really special I wanted. I told him that I had been wanting an expensive digital camera for some time - there was just never enough money, so I kept…

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I majored in English (and Psychology) in college and, at times like this, I hate trying to write.My mind is foggy. How do I start? What do I really want to say? Why am I even writing?

These days, the fog seems to be a constant companion. "I know I got up to do something . . . but what?" I can't say I've moved very far since December 23, 2011. It's been too foggy. 

Before that day, there was a lot of motion. I met my love on September 29, 2007. He was…

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