I haven't posted here in awhile. The crushing grief that overwhelmed me for so long after my mom died has lifted into more of a grief fog. But some issues within my family have arisen over the past few days, and I'm having a really hard time. And my question is: Why the hell is everyone in such a hurry to "move on?" What is so terrible about being sad, about missing someone? Why is it "normal" to go on with your life like nothing happened, to forget about the past and keep moving forward?…

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I can't do this anymore. I don't know what's wrong with me. But I feel like I'm lost. Like I'm drowning again. I thought things were getting better, that I was finally learning to handle my emotions, that I was coping. But now I'm right back where I was a year ago. I just want to curl up in a corner somewhere and cry myself to sleep. Over and over again. Nothing's changed, nothing's happened. And that's the worst part, knowing that it's coming from within. That I'm doing this to myself. I just… Continue

Home for the summer. In a house that has never felt less like home. This is the first time I've really been HOME since I lost Mom. I was here at Thanksgiving, but there were so many people around that I didn't have any time to process anything. Today though it's just been me and the dog. The dog Mom said she didn't want but not so secretly adored, of course. And I hate it. Not the dog; she's lovely. But the house. The house I grew up in. The house my mom called home. The house I've always…

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Having a glass of wine for my mom tonight and trying to wrap my head around the fact that she's been gone for a year. A whole year. A year without daily emails just so I'd wake up to an email every morning. A year without daily Skype chats just to catch up even though nothing much ever changed. A year without an e-card for every random holiday. A year without hearing about the dumb things my dad was or wasn't doing. A year without my best friend. A year without my mom.

This is going to sound ridiculous, but... I just ate the last cookie my mom ever bought for me... When I moved overseas 5+ years ago, the only thing I reeeeeally missed was Girl Scout cookies. So it became a habit of my mom's to order a couple extra boxes of Thin Mints and Tagalongs (the best GS cookies,of course) every year to save for me. Last year was no exception. I arrived home last June to find a proper mountain of cookies - enough for myself and a friend - waiting for me. Most didn't…

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I was just finishing typing a long entry about how upset I am about my laptop dying and the potential loss of all of my files, including all of my mom's photos and many other important things, when my browser crashed and I lost my draft. Technology is out to get me this weekend. I give up.

I have never felt so alone in my life. And that says a lot. I am perpetually single and live 5500 miles away from my closest family members. I live alone. I have 2-3 people whom I would consider friends. I have an extremely limited social life. But until recently, I never really knew what it meant to be alone. I lost my mom last June. And every day it gets a little bit harder to deal with. I talked to my mom very nearly…

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