I feel so empty inside.  I am literally on auto pilot.  Going through the motions, and telling people what they want to hear, so they will stop asking me how I am, and go away. I know they are just being caring, but I am tired, and exhausted.  Too exhausted to keep explaining that I am not ok, I am dying inside, so instead I just say "Yeah I am ok."

Does it ever end, or will I spend what time I have left on this miserable planet in misery, and heartache.  Because I feel that…

I really hate when people say you need to move on.  Really????  Are you kidding me???  How can I ever move on???  You meet that one person in your life who was your twin flame, your love, your life, your soul.  Its only been 3 1/2 months for Gods sake.  Its so hard to deal with this and with people who have never been through it.  They think you can just move on, just like that.  God forbid it ever happens to them, but when it does they will be in for a huge shock.  I will never move on.  I…

Your clothes remain in the wardrobe and in your drawers.  I keep thinking I should do something with them but I just can't bear to.  Some stupid part of me keeps thinking what if you come back.  Stupid I know.  I must be out of my mind.  But I don't want to let go.  I can't.  It hurts too much.

Found out why you died finally.  And a reason still doesnt make it any less painful, or make any sense of losing you.  My heart beats, but it is broken.  And will stay that way forever. xx

I dream of you almost every night. Nothing in particular, you are just "there".  I wake up in the morning and remember you are gone, and its like losing you all over again every single day.  Its been 78 days now.  I still have no idea why you died.  The coroner still hasnt heart from the lab.  Its killing me slowly, every day.  I just want to be where you are, so my broken heart will be whole again. xx

Every morning I wake up I cry because I wish I wouldnt wake up.  I hope every night that I will die in my sleep.  Its so selfish I know, because of my son.  I can't help it though.  Its not fair on him to feel this way but I am plummeting further and further down into a black abyss and I can't find the strength to stop.  Tony would have pulled me back.  He knew just the right things to say to help me. God I miss him so much, why did he have to go, why....???