Dying

Every morning I wake up I cry because I wish I wouldnt wake up.  I hope every night that I will die in my sleep.  Its so selfish I know, because of my son.  I can't help it though.  Its not fair on him to feel this way but I am plummeting further and further down into a black abyss and I can't find the strength to stop.  Tony would have pulled me back.  He knew just the right things to say to help me. God I miss him so much, why did he have to go, why....???

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Comment by pamela winmill on August 10, 2016 at 9:26am

I feel the same way our eldest son lives with me and I don't think he would cope if I were to go too, but I don't want to be here anymore it's like a living hell

Comment by Donna Amendola on August 6, 2016 at 4:04pm

Thank you for your comment Vicki.  Losing the one you love is bad enough, but losing them suddenly and unexpectedly is just awful.  He was my life, and there was so much we wanted to do, so much I wish I could say to him.  I just exist for my son.  But I am thankful that through him I still have a part of Tony still. Its not the same though.  I am so sorry you have been through this also.  I am glad you found someone to help you through it.  I hope I can find the strength one day to accept help also.  Much love. xx

Comment by Vicki on August 3, 2016 at 11:31pm
Donna, I totally feel your pain, I'm sure like most of us on here. I lost my husband 4 months ago. He was only 44. It was sudden also. We just got the medical examiner report last week. It was a massive heart attack from a blood clot. According to the doctor, that's a really rare occurrence. Well, that didn't make me feel any better since the WHY still cannot be answered. We also have a son 11 and a daughter 19. After 2 months I was getting worse and worse with crying, anxiety, panic, fear, pain all over my body, numbness. At one point I thought OMG I think I'm losing my mind and then the fear of "what's gonna happen to my kids, who's gonna take care of them. I can't leave them with no parent..." So I pulled myself together and accepted therapy. I found a great psychologist and me and my son started going a month ago. I think it was the best move so far. My son even asked if he can see him for the rest of his life. I finally see a smile on his face more often. As for myself , it does help to get my emotions out without being judged, just like this forum. Hope you find some peace soon, but just know that's there's no cure. It's more like a roller coaster ride, so all we can do is think about our kids and get up each day for them and just place one for in front of the other. Hugs and kisses. Just know, You are never alone Blessings love Vickie

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