John B

Male

Vancouver

Canada

Profile Information:

About Me:: I'm an artist, photographer, actor trained in fine arts.
About my Loss:: It's been 4 years since I went 'home' to be at my Belated Sensitive yet Stoic Father's side as I was Powerless to 'save' him via my Former TAO 'Family's Holy Water and Prayers.

Thankfully my Best and Only True Friend,whom I met 11 years ago, has called and met me every day no matter how much pain she has been in to offer me True Support, Love and Friendship, without which I would have Never 'made it' this far. Beyond the Deep Emotional Pain of having been coerced into 'giving' her son who's now 44 up for adoption, who isn't 'interested' in any 'reunion' which has been Beyond 'simply Painful, she Lost her eldest brother and mother 15 years ago and then her hard Working also in the Airforce Father 2 months before mine in December 2009.

Acceptance has Finally begun to Free me from the Hurt, Anger, Fear of ANY Conflicts and Expectations of my 'family' to acknowledge and Apologize for what I now am beginning to see and Accept & LET GO of my 'FaLsE pRiDe' and 'ego's Stubborness. Thankfully I no longer FeeL as HuRt & aNgRy as I did.

Here's what I typed 1 - 2+ years ago.

I saw My Father Edward Vincent pass away in Agony from Cancer February 23, 2010 after being at his side everyday for 8 hours for 3 weeks. Eight months later, "me second mum" Dorothy, who 'adopted' me after making our first online digital film about Adoption passed away Oct.29, 2010. They met a few times and I was very happy to see the Parents I 'should' have had get along so well unlike my Mother whose Fear and Perfectionistic Demands and Berating of my Dad and I 'created' Most of The TeNsIoN and Drama we didn'T 'need', BrEaKiNg our 'family' apart as she lost her 'father' to alcoholism she still DENIES when she was 14 on My Birthday 7 years before I was born. She EXPECTED me to be 'PERFECT OR ELSE !"

After nearly 5 EmOtIoNaLLy PaInFuL Years, I am Finally Accepting, Forgiving and becoming More Grateful for how My Strong Year of the Ox Virgo Leo Rising Mother HAD to be 'living' 'with' my sometimes Stubborn Penny Pinching Poverty Razed in the Bush During the 1930s Gambling AdDiCtEd Father.

Because he was a bit of a Hoarder, she Had to end up giving away his 'junk' ouT of their 'home' 1 Month after he died.

Now I realize that because she Lost her own Father at the age of 14, she Emotionally ShuT Down and HAD to Maintain 'Control' in order to 'SuRvIvE' and Make Sure we Grew up Healthy, Having to Fight for The Excellent Food she cleaned, cooked,baked from scratch, as well as sewed and cared for us 24/7 Daily, Despite my sometimes Alcohol and Sugar Fuel'd Father's Rage of her Spending "MY (His) Hard Earned minimum wage) Money!"

Thanks to Dave, a 57 year old who just found out he was Adopted 2 years ago who Listens to me for up to an hour on the phone without Ever Criticizing, Controlling or 'giving' any 'advice' as well as Al-anon and the 12 Steps, I found this book which is Helping me to Understand, Accept and Forgive My Amazing Mother, as she Too was Powerless and Terrified as a Child having Lost her Father at the Young age of 14 and there were NO 'support' groups available for her as there are now.

http://www.google.ca/#sclient=psy&hl=en&rlz=1R2GGLL_enCA330... Music Helps !

http://www.soundstrue.com/shop/Gregg-Braden%E2%80%99s-Music-from-th...

Comment Wall:

coachlouise

John, Ning is so hard to get answers from , I did send in your question and I hope they will fix the problem. I sorry for your frustration, I know you have enough all ready, I send you love and compassion, Louise Rouse

Mar 24, 2011
Diana, Grief Recovery Coach

John, I think I was able to delete the content for you by clicking on the x in the upper right hand corner. Maybe it just deletes it in my feed. Check to see if it has been deleted and if not I think you can delete it y/s by clicking on the x.

Mar 24, 2011
Kandi Broussard

Thank you, John. I really appreciate it. Although, I must tell you that the "justice system" has not really impressed me so far. The murderer was out on parole when he killed my mom. The trial is set to start in June. I wish that they would just throw gim in prison forever so that I would not have to be subjected to what will inevitably be a horrifying nightmare in court.

Apr 11, 2011
Alexandria

Thanks. Sorry about your situation. My mother and I have mixed memories. Good/bad times. It took an extremely long time for us to come to an understanding and be less resentful. Thankfully, that happened about a week before she died. I didn't know my dad really...couple of phone calls and other people telling me stories really.

Apr 11, 2011
Linda Gabrial

hi jonh how are you doing ? youn are the only one i got to write back too me. i miss sister so much.she be gone two month on april 15 . its does seam like she been gone that long , it seam like it was yesterday ,i cry my self to sleep at night.but not round my husbnd ,because he tell me stop crying to because i am going to made myself sick but i cant seam to stop crieing.i dont know if i can live without she . we was very to her

Apr 12, 2011
Linda Gabrial

hi jonh , thank you fo being there to talk to me noone talk to me in here why ? how are you doing with your dad death .you can talk to about that too . i did my crieing when my husband go to bed @9; 30 , he dont under stand why crieing for. i have not see husband crying in 35 year not even when dad died very. i am have a hard time with my sister died i miss her so much. my friend and husband think i a give upv, i dont doing anythin tv and be in my laptop . i just feel like anything. idont know wht to do about it jonh thank you for listen to my problom linda

Apr 13, 2011
Peggy Jeanine Woody

Hi John, it was very nice of you to comment on my loss. It is very painful to lose someone, but even harder when people are uncaring and unfair. I had a step mother that I really did not like. Luckily I didn't have to deal with her very much. I don't know what it would be like to be adopted, or to have someone adopt one of my children. I think it is horrible that your friend was forced to give up her son. I am sorry that he wants nothing to do with her. Sometimes people don't understand and falsly blame others for something that is not their fault. I am so very sorry for the loss of your father, and the mistreatment of his honor and of you. I will be praying for you, that you can find peace.

Apr 16, 2011
Linda Gabrial

hi jonh, how are you doing.i talk to you in a few days so i thought i write you to see how you was doing. i feel like my life is stand still and the world and very buddy as life theire '. my husband kept tell me that i need to go for a walk or something because i only watch tv and playon my laptop .i just not feel like doing at all. i force my self to go out to breakfast once a week . i just dont want to live with my sister. i am not going to do some thing any thing string. i just isnot going to live i just dont what to do with myself . linda

Apr 20, 2011
Ammy

John, I'm so sorry I didn't respond to you sooner. I can't seem to get on here lately. I've been in a slump again and all I can do is wait it out. You asked why I said I was sorry you had to join this group. It was because of your loss. We have all lost someone and this is not where we would choose to be. I lost my son and I wish I could go back and have my life back, but instead I now have to find some help in groups like this one. I pray you are doing okay. Blessings, Ann

May 1, 2011
Ammy

Hello John, I hope you are getting along okay. It's really hard to know how to tell someone in grief that you hope they are doing better, when you sense that they aren't and you don't want to sound like regular people. I do always hope that those in grief are moving forward and getting some days of comfort even though I know it all depends on the individual. It will be 10 months for me on the 14th and I'm still on that roller coaster of up and down. I really hate it. At least, for me, the spring weather has helped a little. I'm not locked inside all the time. I hope your sleep has improved. I have sleep problems too, so I know how that can throw you off even more than just dealing with your loss. I liked your closing on your last comment so I'll send it back to you and all in grief. God Bless & Heal Us All. Peace, Prayers & Hope for a Better Today & Tomorrow.

May 12, 2011
Kara Grygiel

I would like to thank you for your message you have sent me last month. I seemed to have been trying to avoid this site do to the pain that doesn't seem to go away. Seems like you and I have some commonalities in our family and the pain. Some days feel a lot easier than others, today on the other hand, no so much. I wondered if you are having the same unwillingness to shoot anymore due to your fathers death because I know I'm feeling it. I hope that you and I can talk sometime, maybe it will help both of us. Anyways thanks for the supportive words. Kara

May 19, 2011
Ammy

Hi John, sorry I haven't been in much of a mood to write anything. Get so tired of feeling down and sad that I just avoid the communicating sometimes. I want it to help, but it seems like nothing really helps in the long run. Have a good day or two and think things are going to be better and WHAM it all comes back. Hope you are sleeping better. I was for a few nights, but last night I was up until 5. Hate it, just hate it. Hate everything about grief. Sorry for being so down. Hope for a better day for all of us.

May 22, 2011
Brenda Ann

Dear John,

     I am so sorry that you have so many issues. You have enough to deal with as you travel this terrible grief trail. The photo on my profile is my father in law. He died July 24, 2010 after a fall and a subsequent brain bleed. All of it took 3 months and was agonizing for our family. Our granddaughter who is 4, soon to be 5, still draws picture for him and we have a plastic container we put her pictures in so she can give them to him when he is ressurected. We belive the Bible and all of God's promises contained there in. Do you believe the Bible is God's word too? The Words of Jesus at John 5:28, 29 bring us great comfort. "Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out."

     If you believe in God, lean on him and let him be your strength. (Philippians 4:13) "For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me".

     If you do not believe in God or are mad at him and want to know why I believe just ask. Just know that I will be here to "talk" any time...

Brenda

www.grief-and-comfort.com

mawmaw1591@gmail.com

Jan 11, 2012
Brenda Ann

John, may I talk to you about faith? May I tell you some scriptures I find encouraging? I hope you have a peaceful day and I will keep you in my prayers.

Brenda

www.grief-and-comfort.com

mawmaw1591@gmail.com

Jan 13, 2012
Brenda Ann

John,

Faith is not just a surface "feel good" emotion – actually, it conveys the thought of confidence, trust and firm persuasion. The Scriptures tell us: “Faith is the assured expectation of things hoped for, the evident demonstration of realities though not beheld.” (Hebrews 11:1)

Faith is, therefore, the basis for hope in the resurection and the evidence for conviction concerning unseen realities. The entire body of truths delivered by Jesus Christ and his inspired disciples constitutes the true Christian “faith.” (John 18:37; Galatians 1:7-9; Ac 6:7; 1Timothy 5:8) Christian faith is based on the complete Word of God, including the Old Testament, to which Jesus and the writers of the New Testament frequently referred in support of their statements.

Faith is based on concrete evidence. The visible creative works testify to the existence of an invisible Creator. (Romans 1:20) The actual occurrences taking place during the ministry and earthly life of Jesus Christ identify him as the Son of God. (Matthew 27:54) God’s record of providing for his earthly creatures serves as a valid basis for believing that he will surely provide for his servants, and his record as a Giver and Restorer of life lends ample evidence to the credibility of the resurrection hope. (Matthew 6:26, 30, 33; Acts 17:31; 1Corinthians 15:3-8, 20, 21) Furthermore, the reliability of God’s Word and the accurate fulfillment of its prophecies instill confidence in the realization of all of His promises. (Joshua 23:14) Thus, in these many ways, “faith follows the thing heard.”—Romans 10:17; compare John 4:7-30, 39-42; Acts 14:8-10. Faith is built as we study the Bible and see God work in our lives.

King David wrote: “He(God) himself well knows the formation of us, remembering that we are dust.” (Psalm 103:14) God made us from “nothing” and he can recreate us also from nothing. (Genesis 2:7) “God proceeded to form the man out of dust from the ground and to blow into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man came to be a living soul.”

What makes us the person we are is our memories, traits, our likes and dislikes ETC. When we pass away all of that is in God's memory. Jesus was given the ability to bring people back to life and he says, at John 5:28, 29, “Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out.”

This is only a begining of the faith strenghtening scriptures - does it help? Mat I share more?

I care,

Brenda

www.grief-and-comfort.com

mawmaw1591@gmail.com

Jan 17, 2012
Brenda Ann

Hi John,
May you find comfort today. This sadness we all suffer make even the small things huge. Have you been keeping a journal? I was just thinking of how when I can't sleep I get some paper and write down what is rolling over and over in my mind. It seems then I can go to sleep because I've weirdness it down. I know I can't forget. I wonder if that method could be a way for you to handle all the issues you have to deal with in all your sorrow? My thought is like putting some of the issues in a pending file, so to speak. Then maybe everything won't be sitting crushing you. The pending file is not forgetting nor ignoring the problem or issue, it is an opportunity to handle that issue when you can do something about it. Especially when the issue involves another person we must wait for them to act. The ball is in there court. Maybe that could some of the weight off your shoulders. Hugs
Brenda
Mawmaw1591@gmail.com

Jan 28, 2012
dream moon JO B

if u look up at the sky and look up in sum of the trees i woz trying to catch sum wild life today bot cort this 1 i woz trying to catch a gray sqruil but it woz to fast

Oct 14, 2012
dream moon JO B

i no ther is 1 foto i wud luv catch thunder and litning and a hevy storm i will do tht 1day if i do catch it i will post it on hear

Oct 14, 2012