Hi Gina. I am so very sorry about your loss. It is devastating to lose a child. But to lose an only child changes our lives completely. This is going on 8 weeks for me. It still hurts. It have a feeling it always will.

I am not sure why, but 3 months and a few days later.. I can't seem to keep it in check today.

im loosing my mind in all this grief and I don't know how to handle this pain. on janurary 12th of this yr 2014 it marked one yr since I loved my one and only beautiful babygirl Sophialynn. ive never felt a worse pain than this, and im not sure how to control this and im in need of some one who knows the pain to help me.

http://globalnews.ca/news/1045270/family-of-deceased-abbotsford-bab...

"This Is My Precious Angel. Please Watch The News Story About What Is Happening with her death..  ITs the Most traumatic Experience Its horrible Im still waiting for answers I feel stuck and lost I miss her so much she was my life, my world, my reason, My EVERYTHING.. she was in every plan I have for the future .. I just don't know what to do anymore it is getting harder everyday

http://globalnews.ca/news/1045270/family-of-deceased-abbotsford-bab...

7 months this week on the 5, I just want so bad to be with  my son, I pray each night to go with him, I feel nothing any more , I so tired, and so lonely. its all like yesterday, the pain is so unreal.  my tears never stop. I need my shawn so bad, I just cant go on.

It's just an especially hard time because of graduation etc. I lost my only child 18 months ago - It feels like yesterday. He was 17 and all we planned for him and ourselves is gone. I was his caretaker because he suffered from Crohn's Disease and was home schooled the last 2 years and still am not working because of a badly broken arm and I feel lost without him.  I believe he is okay and his spirit lives. I just can't figure out how to move forward in this world without him. I try to live so he would be proud and do things to keep his memory alive in service to others. I just don't know what else to do. Sending everyone here love and prayers today.

hi connie, I so understand where you are coming from, with my shawn its been almost 8 months. I know ill never move forward, I just cant. im so lost without him. my life feels over now. I wish I could remember the good times but I cant, just that awful last day, over and over again. please take care, love kim

Kim - I know it is so difficult to get those horrible memories out of your head. I'm sorry you are hurting so badly. Sometimes, not thinking about it almost seems like a betrayal. I had a hard time with this and remembering that night. The coroner coming. The horror of seeing a facebook post which told of a car accident but not who was okay. I couldn't see my son for 2 days because they took him to a morgue far from our house. But the fact is, for your own health you have to try to replace that memory with a positive one if you can. My counselor had me do this as an exercise. Just try to start thinking of a positive memory with your child. I know it sound impossible but going through this grief takes hard work, really. It's exhausting. When I am faced with this challenge and consciously change my thoughts, I eventually find that I am thinking of something happier and I know those negative things are not what my son would want me to dwell on. Hugs.

thank you connie, I promise ill try,

Sending everyone here love and payers today

please shawn help me through this, I cant do it anymore. my shattered heart cant go on. I miss you and love you so much, ill take your hand in a heart beat and go with you. please only you can take this unbearable pain away. without you there is no living,   my baby I love you    mom

sitting here crying a lot today, I miss my shawn so much. I just want to feel him here with me.i wish I could scream till I lose my voice,. it hurts so bad. all I want is to be with him, how do i go on with this pain, day after day. night after night.when will he come to my dreams, my life of hell as just begun,  my tears will never stop. please shawn help me to forget that last day . I cant get it out of my head. take my hand and ill go with you, im so ready my beautiful son. I pray every night that you wont forget me, ill always be your mom,  ill never hear it again but in my heart  I know. please shawn come to my dreams call me mom one more time, I beg you please. take away my pain, my broken heart and my tears.  night god bless my shawn, I love you and miss you. more then life.    forever your mom

I can't celebrate. I spent a relaxing afternoon at a friend's pool party and  It was great to just float and dream of seeing my son once more. Not too much talking required. now I am done. The neighbors are having a party, asking us to come over. Come see the fireworks. I just can't function. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to talk to anyone who doesn't just know that all that's on my mind are the years when I would watch those fireworks with Daniel. I miss you so much my sweet angel. I wonder what fireworks look like from heaven. I just want you here with me. I just want you back

Went half a mile down the road to see my nieces and nephews, along with there parents,  it's been 5 years since I'd seen most of them, after Kaitlin died I became the outcast, I guess my brothers and sisters thought it was contagious, or maybe I didn't need family after losing Kaitlin. It was great seeing all the kids who are now all adults, made me feel old! A little wierd seeing my siblings, came home before the fireworks at dark, missing my Kaitlin so much, just want to curl up and cry, think I will. It is what it is, doesn't mean I have to like it. Happy Fourth of July all!!

everyday is so full of tears, never sleeping and im so tired

sitting out side at 4 this morning, the birds were singing, and I was crying. just cant sleep anymore, sleeping pills are not working as good. I kust kept asking shawn to hold me. how much more can I take? 8 months of pure hell. why cant I forget that last day, to keep reliving it over and over, screaming  shawn don't leave me. its just getting to be to much, I need him, and I hope he needs me, I miss him and I hope he misses me. all I keep saying is shawn take me with you im so very tired .

I wish my sisters were here to help me go through this pain, I feel so alone here. its like there afraid to come near me unless they want something. they say there busy with there kids and grandkids, that hurts so bad, im not asking for the day im asking for a little time to talk about shawn, to help me remember the good times, im having trouble remembering them, my head is just so full of that last day over and over. I know they don't know the pain im in but all they have to do is look at me, my eyes. see my tears everyday. my empty heart. it would be nice to hear my babys still here from them, to tell me they to love my shawn, but I have not heard that. to hear there here for me, have not heard that either. I went to see my son today like I do everyday, I asked him if he wants me to come with him please tell me and I will. this nightmare will never end, and I know I just cant keep going anymore, im so very tired, and dear god I need my son. I hurt so bad, my tears still flow, my heart still brakes. why why did he take my only child my beautiful son why? why did he leave me here?

first time since my son went away, I blew up at my sister and there kids, I have never been so mad, telling me to get on with life, it hurt so bad, I thought I would kill them, thank god  for this sight,  thank god for the friends ive made here, thank you for hearing my unbearable pain and knowing what im going through.    thank you     kim

I have to see people today.  I don't do well around people.  I get to hear about grandchildren, family vacations, etc.  It's all pain.  It's all salt in my wound.  That's what I feel like, a walking open wound.

I agree Patty. Yesterday I got to hear about how my son's best friend is getting married, in an IT position in Minnesota..and so forth. Not that I don't wish him the very best because I do.

However, it just felt like it emphasized the fact that my son is gone from me in this life. Feeling very blue.

The 'seeing people' went about as I expected.  I listened to people talk about a life I'll never have.  Jesse's Mom, I also want them to be happy but it's just a awful reminder of what could have been.  It's like a big neon sign saying "THIS IS WHAT YOU COULD HAVE HAD!"  There are really only a few people I can tolerate anymore.  I guess it's not them, it's me.

patty im going through the same thing, I stay in my bedroom all the time, I even eat in here. I know im leaving my husband out but I just cant go on without my son shawn. I have lost my family and friends, I cant stand being around anyone anymore. I pray to be with shawn every night. I have nothing left to live for and I don't want to go on.  shawn is and always will be the love of my life, im empty, broken and in such unbearable pain, I cry all the time, I just hate life and people to, im so sorry  you to are hurting , please take care     kim

Kim, I know what you're saying.  Caitlin is the love of my life too.  I do believe she is in perfect joy now.  I also have no doubt that at some point in the future we will be reunited. I hope it's soon.  I just wish that made me feel more at peace.  I feel very alone in this pain except for the people here.  Nobody really understands.  I have a few people who try to understand but they can't.  This is all consuming pain.  It leaves little room for anything else.  I try to make plans for the future but my heart is just absent.   She took it with her.  Besides, what plans really matter?  I wish I could be more positive.  It's getting to be close to 6 years and I'm still either numb or in pain.  

patty, its been 2 years for me, but its just like yesterday. I remember it all every bit of it. I find no one understands me, but the people who are going through it. when my beautiful son went away  I died that day, I feel nothing but pain, my family wants nothing to do with me, they think I should get over it move on. im in a very dark place and I cant get out, and I really don't want to, I just want to be with shawn. im not the same person any more, I do not laugh, smile or talk much, I just cry a lot. im so lonely but when anyone comes over I just stay in my room, nothing matters anymore,  my life is over im done careing.  the pain has taken over forever. everyday I go see shawn no matter the weather, I feel warm with him, I beg him to come get me. im so tired, the people I needed left me, so I feel nothing for any of them but hate.  I do know your pain, 2 years or 6 it does not matter, our unbearable pain will never leave us, till we can hold them again. im here for you patty, please take care   kim

Kim, I am here for you, too.  Until I got to this site I don't think I REALLY realized other people hurt as much as I do.  How wrong I was.  Your pain comes through in every word as does your deep, abiding love.  Right after my daughter's accident a pastor friend came over and set up counseling sessions with me.  We met for 4 years until he retired and started a ministry in another country.  He knew my daughter as well as me.  He knew of our extremely close relationship.  He NEVER tried to get me "past' it.  He said he knew that would never happen.  Every session we talked about heaven.  That was one thing that helped at the time (I'm not saying it would help anyone else but it helped me).  At that time I realized that I could literally be with Caitlin a second from now or a minute, month or year from now.  Somehow that got me through.  I imagined how I may see her next week.  I imagined things I would tell her.  I mean, how do we know?  We certainly didn't know that in a second they would be gone so how can we say that in a second we won't be with them?  I'm with you, I carry a lot of harsh feelings for the words and expectations of others.  I always say that it would be a an emergency if it was their child but with mine not so much (to them).  It kills me when they won't speak her name.  I mean, seriously?  Are we not thinking of them constantly anyway?

And Kim, I would really love to hear about Shawn if your up to talking about him.  I'd love to know him too.  

Patty, what a wise friend that understood he should NOT make you "get over it".  I really think that unless someone loses their most beloved child, there is just no way for them to even catch a glimpse of what we live in day in and day out.

For instance, I have a very dear friend right now that mentioned on Friday that her sister-in-law had her adult son die in 2011. The son was the same age as my Jesse.

What blew me away was her words regarding her SIL and the loss of her son, which were:

"Yes, losing her son NEARLY destroyed her life..."

Now this friend is very sensitive and kind, and even stood with me in the room of Jesse's body. However, I felt the rug rip out from under me right then. It was not said from a bad intent, it just was from sheer ignorance. 

The fact is our life IS DESTROYED as we once knew it to be. Everyday it is a struggle to get through. I often think of Bluebird's words in regard to why some people struggle so hard with the loss of a beloved versus someone who seems to be able pick up the pieces.

She wrote it was to do with bonding...how bonded you were to your beloved is reflected in how the grief response will be. I think that Bluebird is so absolutely correct.

Today, while browsing on the Internet, I found an interesting term -- it is called "Chironian Wound". I never heard of that term before but found it fitting. It has to do with ancient mythology, arising from the condition of human suffering.

A Chironian wound is an injury that will never, ever totally heal. Chiron combines comprehension and pain, wisdom and compassion, knowledge and healing talent. We know about that suffering because it hurts ourselves, because we are present in that pain, not because we have overcome it and blocked it up in the past.

I thought -- finally someone who gets suffering.

However, my friend's simple words reminded me how isolated I really am, and that perhaps it is best to remain in a cloistered setting. I know my own mother took that route as she too, like myself, has had two child losses. 

I don't want to risk others saying things from ignorance. However, I KNOW for certainty, if it was their child, they would not at all react as they think or are telling you. They are only guessing and I think some of what they suggest is to minimize just how much pain one is in.

"I'm with you, I carry a lot of harsh feelings for the words and expectations of others."

Ditto that. Probably will never attend a traditional church again because of all the ridiculous, callous and downright cruel statements made to me in regard to the trial of the person who killed my son.

jesses mom I do understand everything you said,  the pain we are all in and the hate I carry. people can be very cruel, and heartless. its nice to know we are here for each other and we know what we are going through. I don't think I believe in god any more, how can he make us suffer so bad? yet there are times I beg him to let my son come to my dreams, let me hold him one more time, if I could just here him say mom I love you im here. but instead here I sit typing and crying my heart out, wishing I was dead, praying to die everyday. oh god it hurts so much. take care   kim

Jesse's mom, he is a wise friend indeed.  He said "No one could ever convince me that losing an only child is the same as losing one of multiple children.  Patty, all your eggs were in one basket.  Then the basket was taken away.  That is not the case for people with other children".  How true is that?  So true.  And I am in no way minimizing the loss someone feels who has other children.  It's just different. No good reason to get up in the morning for starters.  And there are SO many other things that will never happen.  It's too painful to even type those things.  And I went through a trial as well.  What a nightmare.  And yeah, nearly destroyed?  Beyond destroyed.

Patty - So glad for your wise friend and what he said...

Connie, a few people, like my pastor friend, who said that probably kept me alive.  At least I have some comforting things some people said to counteract the insensitive things others said.  And some people are SO insensitive.

Feeling very isolated and lonely today.  I made the mistake of looking at Facebook without being mentally prepared.  Everyone is making family plans for Memorial Day.  I just don't know how to get through the rest of my life.  I live in abject fear of something happening to my husband.  Then the aloneness will be 100% complete.  I am not a strong person. I don't don't know how to live without my precious daughter.

Kendra, I am so terribly sorry that you lost your beautiful little boy. He is absolutely precious. I know the pain you feel. I lost my daughter, the love of my life, to a drunk driver. There is no pain like this and I can't believe I am still alive. It was 6 years ago and it might as well have been yesterday. People here do understand. Don't let anyone ever tell you how to grieve or how long to grieve. A mother will ALWAYS grieve. I saw your post last night and prayed for you. I read your story and cried. Your little guy is absolutely adorable. I'm sending a hug and many prayers for peace your way.

Lenny, I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. My husband and I lost our 20 year old daughter, Caitlin, 6 and a half years ago in a motorcycle accident because of an impaired driver. Nothing about our life is the same anymore. It's like a switch was flipped from "before" to "after". After all this time I still can't believe it happened. I still don't know what to do with the life I have left. I have a hard time connecting with my family and most of my friends. They don't understand. How can anyone understand this?

Lenny, Caitlin was born in April of 1990.  Caitlin's accident happened when she had returned to college which is about 2 hours from our home.  We had talked on the phone several hours before the accident.  The impaired driver was her friend.  This has been a nightmare.  We had to go through the trial for the driver.  I heard things there I can never forget from first responders, police and the medical examiner.  The real nightmare though is living every day without her here.  I'm sorry you never got to say goodbye.  We didn't either.  I walk around like half a person now.  I have one foot here and one in heaven.  It is definitely a very sad club to belong to.

Hello evryone

I have not posted in a while. It has been just a little over 4 years that I lost my precious only child, Daniel He was 17 when he was killed in a trachic car accident. He was a passenger in a car and the driverwas speeding on a wet road and slid across the road and slammed into the end of a retaining wall - a steel beam. He was the only one of 3 that was killed. They were barley hurt at all. Daniel was my world and had sffered greatly with Crohns disease and its side effects. After a terrible 3 years in and out of the hospital he was finally doing better, going to graduate high school that year and then this. Over the years I have tried to channel this unspeakable grief into positive things that he would be proud of. But the pain is still overwhelming. i will never be the same, I have no motivation. His life is over and our future is also gone - never any grandchildren, you all know....it is the hardest thing ever.

I am so sorry for all of your losses. Robin, I am sorry to have to welcome you to this group and it breaks my heart to read your story. Your daughter and grandchild - no words - just sending love and prayers to you all.

I am getting ready to go and visit my family on Tuesday and and packing all my masks. It is so hard to visit people now who don't have a clue of how sad I am all the time.

Lenny _ I am sorry your friend said that about your daughter. I have had that experience as well. People gossip, they don't know anything....

I lost my only son, aged 28, in November 2014.  On the surface I am doing well, and I am functioning on a day to day basis just fine.  But every day it replays in my mind how the police came to my door to say Scott had 'passed away'.  I think I am dealing with it ok, but I have so many issues.  For one, I constantly think of the 60 odd years he has lost, and feel so terrible for him for that.  Another thing is, that being an only child, who will want the memorabilia of his which is stored in my loft?  I have his childhood paintings, his shirt from his last day at senior school which was written on by so many friends, the silly ornaments that he collected when he was a young kid - etc, etc.  They will stay in my loft until the day I die, and then who will want them?  It feels like he will be completely forgotten.  He was my best friend, and I so wanted him to find a partner and have children.  He would have been a great Dad, and wasn't the sort of man who would have cheated on his partner - he had so many things going on in his career and life, and was never a 'jack the lad' where women were concerned.  I'm not sure where this post is going! - but I wanted to try to connect with others who know how losing an only child feels.  Apart from anything else, I don't know who will invite me for Christmas when I am 80.  I am bereft, and don't know how to move on. 

Catherine, I to lost my only child my son in 2014. im not doing good, I pray to die everyday. theres no life with out my son for me.  shawn is the love of my life.  my depression is getting worse, my loneliness emptiness.  im so very sorry for your loss,  I know your unbearable pain everyday.  kim

Dear Catherine

I feel the very same way. I have everything form my son's baby things, through elementary and high school. He died at age 17 and never got to even graduate, drive a car by himself, well you know....I have things of mine I wanted to pass down to him  and his children. Now it is so sad that really no one would want them. Everything stops. It seems I have stopped too. I can't find meaning in my life without him. I miss him every second. Next Friday March 31st, he would have been 22, probably getting ready to graduate college, writing great music, whatever he would have done, he would have been great at it. This week is so hard. My body remembers the time before I was about to give birth. And now it remembers the loss of that great joy. Hugs to everyone