Panda

I am so sorry for your loss and sadness

Bluebell

So sorry for your loss Panda

The thought that it is 6 months to Christmas is tearing me apart today. It will be the first one without my Mom. 

Bluebell

Bluebell, you will get through it, it will be hard, but think of all the good memories of your mom

Theresa

I will always listen. I understand what you are going through. I miss my Mom too. 

This morning I dreamed about several people whom I have loved and lost. What I really wanted was a dream in which I felt close to my Mom and felt safe and secure. 

Bluebell

Theresa, I am new to the board but I am not new to having similar feelings that you have. Everyone's relationship with their mom is unique to itself. I wouldn't no how to compare my relationship with my mom to yours. I tell you though. We certainly have one thing in common. Love. We loved our moms as much as we could possibly love another person. And we are sad. I call myself, "broken." I cry every single day. I don't just cry. I sob. I bawl. I pray. I lay down on the floor and moan. And you are right. There comes a time when many people just don't want to discuss it with you anymore. I have heard things like, "Why don't you go see a therapist?" Well, I did. I was hoping that there was something that he could prescribe for me that would help me with the grief. He told me honestly that no pill could do that. It is what it is. The greatest love can cause the most pain.

I don't know you. I have never met you or any of the other folks here online, but I wish that I could hug the snot out of each of you. I wish that we could all sit down and talk about our moms and how much we miss them. Maybe I can't do that, but I can listen if you ever want to talk to me. My mom, your mom, it all bleeds into one. We love greatly. I feel you buddy. Cry if you have to. I know I will. But know that you are not alone in your grief. Our grief and our tears keep love alive. They keep our mom's alive in our hearts. I'm with you.

Hi all, I must admit I've gotten notifications of your comments on here and I've not read them in some time. I just passed the one year mark and I'll tell you, it still SUCKS. I felt like maybe I'd be more sad, if possible, to let myself THINK any more about this than I already do. But I have to admit, it's great to have something to turn to when the time is right. I quit my job of 10 years in order to focus on clearing out my dear Mom's home across the street. It is something I absolutely couldn't do on top of work. My daughter is/was very attached to her Grammy and I needed the time to myself to focus while she is at school/camp. The very first day I went in (I've been in multiple times to spend the night with my daughter and water plants etc) to start the process was HORRIBLE. I sobbed and begged for it not to be true. I miss her every second of every single day. I'd do anything to change it. To throw away her things or donate is just heart wrenching. I wish I could keep it all. Keep the house as it stands. I still haven't moved her slippers. To all of you out there, my heart is with you. It's just the most awful thing. She was my very best friend and I feel that loss all the time. Prayers and thoughts to all of you missing your dear Mothers. 

Lindsay, I lost my mom on Christmas Eve. I wanted to clean out her things quickly. It's like being caught between a rock and a hard place. Those things are so hard to see that it can be torturous. Yet, throwing them out seems to be like throwing away your mom. So many things that may not have held much value to you before suddenly become treasures that cannot be replaced. My moms hospital socks, every t-shirt. I would remember times when she wore them. Cleaning out her bathroom. All of the hair supplies, knowing that she would never do her hair again. Her hairbrush. There were still strand of hair in bristles.

Her medicin cabinet. All of the medicine that had helped to keep her alive. Seeing her name on the bottle, even the aspirin that she would give me if I ever had a headache. The lotion that she used. Just that smell. it was like mom was still there in the room with me. So many things that had been collected over the years. Things that I had forgotten about. Things that took me right back to my childhood.

These are all things that have to be done. As hard as it was to remove those things, I think it would have been harder still to have someone do it for me. For all of those things to just disappear.

I still find things. I thought I had gotten everything. Just a few days ago I got a note pad out of the utility drawer in the kitchen. I opened it. I had forgotten that mom used that note pad to leave me little notes like, "Going to the store. Be back soon."

Worst of all, the last present my mom had given me was a Mr Coffee tea maker. She had given it to me the Christmas eve before she died. She was proud of it. She thought it was a clever idea because I love iced tea. Last week it shorted out and I had to throw it away. I took it to the garbage but held it like a baby before I could let it go.

I know what my mom would say. "None of those things matted to me. You were what mattered to me." I know that but it still hurts greatly.

I could go on and on about all of the things that I found and continue to find. What else goes on and on is the love that I have for her. That can never be thrown away.

My thoughts and prayers are with each of you. I didn't know your moms. You didn't know mine. I guess that doesn't matter though. We all know the feeling.

Brett,  your words mean the world to me

May I ask how old your mom was and was she ill?

I'll tell  you about my mom if  you want to know.

Theresa, my mom was 81, but there is never a good age. You are never ready to say goodbye. Mom had been battling cancer for many years. There were so many time over the years when I thought that I would lose her. Death just hovered over her head. I would love to tell you about my mom. Thing is that it would take several pages. I guess for my purposes the best thing that I can tell you is that I was her caretaker. I was by my mom's side until she took her last breath. She died with her eyes open, looking at me. She took half of me with her. The best half. It's been over a year and a half now and I hurt more now than I did before, if that is possible. She was a single mom. She raised four of us without the help of my father. I was joined to her at the hip from an early age. I lived with her the last four years of her life. As close as we were before I became her caretaker, it intensified greatly after. When I lost my mom I also lost my best friend, my companion, and even my child in a great sense. I lost it all in a split second. Now I am just left with memories. You can't hug a memory.

Grief was a new experience for me, at least on this level. I took some comfort knowing that I would never have to experience the loss of my mom again. I was wrong. I experience it every single day.

I understand why you want someone to talk to. When I first lost mom my friends and family were all around me, but that doesn't last. Eventually everyone goes back to their normal life and you are left to grieve. After a while people get tired of talking to you about it. I know that in my case I don't even like to bring it up anymore around friends. Sometimes people think the answer to your problems is a therapist. well, let me tell you something, they can only help so much. The kind of love that we have for our moms is not irrational. The grief won't just go away by keeping a journal or by joining a gym, going on long walks. If it were that simple it wouldn't really have been love. This isn't like getting over a girlfriend or a boyfriend. We were created in our mothers womb. We are literally a part of them. You can't lose that and ever be the same. I don't even know how many times I have cried today. If time heals all wounds you wouldn't know by me.

That's why it is important to talk. No one here can take away the pain, but you are not alone. It rained here today as well. When mom was on Hospice she loved to watch the rain. Her hospital bed was in our sunroom. The rain made me cry too. Everything makes me cry. My mom's favorite show was, "Everybody Loves Raymond." We watched it together every night. I still do. How can I watch it and not remember?

I want to go home. Home is with my mom. People here that and they get the wrong idea. I would never hurt myself. It just means that I look forward to the day when I am with mom again, and that I never again have to say goodbye.

I had a dream recently that I was walking on a highway. I was seeing road signs for all of these far away cities. I didn't know how to get home. I thought to myself, "I'll call home. Mom will get me back home." That dream is my reality now. 

All of us here are lost on that same highway. It's always better to travel in a pack though. You are not alone. I will walk with you.

I would love to hear about your mom. I will say hello to your mom when  I say my prayers tonight. I will tell her that you love and miss her. Please do the same for me. My mother's name was Martha. Just "Mama" to me. I regressed over the years. When I was little I called her mom. At the end I called her mama, that was because I had truly become her little boy again. I still am. I always will be.

ow.

Theresa, I know this much. Your mother loved you. My mom loved me. What you just described would be a horrible thing to live through. I can't imagine. What I can imagine though is living without your mom. Never being able to hear her voice again. There are so many things that I want to tell my mom. I can't

I was very, incredibly blessed to be with mom until the end, but I tell you what, there is some torture that comes with that, too. The night before my mom came home for Hospice care, I went to visit her in the hospital. I walked into the room and she was motionless. I thought she was sleeping. I didn't want to wake her. I just held on to her hand. She said, "Brett, is that you?" I told her that it was. She said, "Will you let me die now?" I told her that I would if I had to. She asked me to say the, "Lay Me Down to Sleep Prayer" with her. Her intention was that she would be dead after the prayer was over. My mom asked me to pray her dead. When she didn't die after the prayer she told me that she could not let go as long as I was with her. She asked me to wait outside while she died. I sat out in the hallway and waited for my mom to die. Thank God it didn't happen.

When the doctor decided it was time to tell my mom that she was dying, I remember the clinical way that he was talking to her. I asked him to leave the room and let me talk to her. I had to say the words, "Mom, you are going to die." My mom wasn't even sure what Hospice was. She still thought that she might get better once she came home.

There was a time when I had give her morphine. She slept for a long time. When she woke up she asked me who I was. My mom asked me who I was.

No matter what are experience was, the road to death always ends in the same way. Your loved one dies. Think about your experience. You were trying to help your mom. You were making quick decisions. You didn't get there in time but you rushed to be by her side.

A few days before my mom died she called one of my brothers. She asked him when he would be coming home for Christmas. He told her that he would not be coming home. He and his roommate rotated Christmases. It was my brothers year to baby sit the dogs while his roommate went home. My brother knew that this was my mom's last Christmas and he told her that he was going to stay with his dogs instead of coming home to be with her. Mom was on speaker phone. I heard every word. The look of betrayal on my moms face was stunning and heart wrenching. That kid has something to feel sorry about. 

Lord knows you tried to be there for your mom. I would say take solace in that but I don't know how much solace there can be after the death of your mom. It's horrible. Even if you had been the doctor who was there with your mom trying to save her life, you would still have to feel the incredible grief.

There comes a time when, no matter what we did in those last minutes, no matter where we were, we lose them. And we can't go were they have gone. Whenever I would go on a trip my mom would ask me to call her when I got there so that she would know that I was safe. Our moms can't call us and tell us that they are safe now. I am sure they are but I would still love to hear it.

That's the kicker. There is no real way to find closure. One thing I have learned about grief is this. It Is. Period.

I know you are hurting. It's gut wrenching. Sometimes I cry and howl like an animal. If someone were to ask me what gets me through the night, I would tell them that I have no idea. I don't. Sometimes I feel better when I pray and talk to God about it, but as soon as I say "Amen" the feelings come back.

Just remember... you are not alone. I hear you. I feel you. Love hard. Cry hard. I'll be here crying too. You are not alone. I promise.

Brett, thank you.

Thank you from me too Bret. You express yourself beautifully in writing and it is from your heart. God bless you. My tears of grief will be added to yours today and I know I will not be alone. That is a comfort to me.

Bluebell

Bluebell, thank you as well. You are not alone. I wish that I could sit by everyone of you when you cry. Not because I know your experience. We all had different experiences with our moms. I just know how it feels to be without a mom.

After my mom died, there were a few kindly ladies who said, "I will be you mom." As well meaning as they were, I knew that could never be. We only get one. Only one person carried us in her womb and felt us kick. Only one person nurtured us as little babies. I remember when I was a toddler. I was the baby of the family. While my brothers and sister were at school it was just me and mom. I remember playing in the kitchen floor while mom cooked and cleaned. I remember the way she would put me in the grocery cart and push me around the store. I grabbed every item in the basket like it was a foreign treasure. I remember the times when mom would pick up something for me on the candy aisle, and she would tell me that I had to wait until we were in the car before I could eat it. I even felt a little jealous when the other kids would come home from school because I had to share her. I loved my quiet mornings with mom. Even when she would send me outside to play a little, I only had to look at the kitchen window to see her smiling at me.

I never knew how young my mom was then. I wish I had. I wish I had known that I had many decades left with her. There is a security we feel in the presence of our moms that is so unique to her. I even remember my smart aleck years when I couldn't wait to go to college, to leave our little town, and to leave mom and start my own life. You can wish precious time away if you are not careful.

I also remember the day my mom dropped me off at college, watching her drive away. It was like I had been kicked in the gut. A precious time of my life was gone and there was not getting it back.

I only know one way to write about my mom. It can only come from the heart. People sometimes wish that they had spent more time with their moms, that they had called her more, or just made time to drop by and visit her more often. The truth is that it is never enough. I told my mom everything that I could possibly say. I sat by her bed when she was sick and held her hand, I would whisper quietly, "I love you mama. Thank you mama!" I could not have told her that I loved her more than I did. 

On her death bed I was chanting I love you like it was a mantra. Mom would say it back to me when she could but she began to slip away. She let go of my hand. And then she couldn't hear me anymore. And then she was gone.

No matter how many times we tell our moms that we love them, we are still one "I Love You" short. We can never say it enough. The pain really starts when she can't hear us anymore.

I remember the sound of my mom's voice before I would say goodnight to her. She wore a Bi-Pap mask when she slept. I can still hear that gurgled voice. "I love you. Thanks for taking care of me." Oh, God how I would love to hear that again.

I remember when the time came and mom just couldn't get out of that hospital bed anymore. One time she said, "Can I have a cookie?" My mom asking me for a cookie. I said, "Mom you can have anything in this world that you want."

All of you guys know this feeling too. Our experiences may have been different but the feeling of loss is shared by all of us. It's a bond that well all have. We are not alone in our grief. It may feel that way. The world carries on as usual. Tight now there is some kid who is arguing with his mom. If he only knew.

This is a picture of my wonderful Mama who passed on July 3rd 2017

I miss my ma so much and the grief is so overwhelming today I feel like screaming, but I can't because I'm at work and I don't think that will go over very well.

I would love to be able to quit my job so I can just grieve, but I think that  being unemployed would drive me crazy without the job to distract me. It's a catch 22.

Joy, I feel the exact same way when I am at work. Before mom died I couldn't wait to get off of work so that I could just chill. Now I look forward to getting off of work so that I can cry. Sometimes it starts as soon as I get in my car. It's not that I enjoy crying or grieving. It's just that it helps me to relieve some of those pent up feelings.

I have noticed that I cry until I run out of tears. It's not a very long hiatus though. I build up more tears. I don't know if it is healthy or not. I know that it would be unhealthy to suppress those feelings. I have to be who I am.

Worst of all it is so hard to find any relief. Where do you go? It's not like there is a special place for folks who miss their mamas. 

It hurts greatly. I will lie down on the floor with my two little dogs and just bawl. I love them so much. They are my best friends but they were also my mama's. That makes me sad to just remember how much they meant to her and the way that she use to baby talk them. God I miss that. It's me and two little dogs curled up on the floor.

My heart goes out to all of you. I know. I know how much it hurts. I can't hug you all from a computer but believe when I tell you that I care. You are not alone. 

Today, I cried alot before work, I just miss her so much, no one to talk to everyday and everynight, I try to pull myself together because I don't want to go back into my extreme anxiety again, I have not slept well since she passed.

Someone told me its because I can't accept the fact that my mom died, or because she was not ill and died suddenly without warning.  I feel like maybe I should have seen something wasn't right the two days prior to her passing, but she didn't lead me to believe so, she was her normal self with the exception of the feeling in her stomache

I was my mamas caregiver for four years we socialized and looked forward to seeing each other. She was my best friend. We got closer as we both aged. I am so glad to have spent the time with this precious woman who gave me life. I will never be the same again. The thought of not talking to her and never seeing her again is something I have a hard time with. I am trying very hard to now take over the role as the family's Matriarch. What a big responsibility she had. I loved her so so much!!!

Janie, while it's inevitable, I'm sorry you had to lose your mom. It hasn't been a full month so I'm familiar with the raw feelings of losing a dear mom. My mom died just over 2 mos and I'm still reeling from her death. Like you, I was a caregiver for nearly 3 years and even before mom became disabled, I still did everything for her because she lived with me. I'm devastated.

When I first started caregiving, I jumped in with both feet, happy to do everything for her and make her last years as comfortable as possible. As time went on, I started to get caregiver burnout, started feeling angry and resentful over the situation. I felt trapped because I didn't have any other support.  If I had known then the pain and grief of losing my mom, I never would have complained. It's too late now, I have to live with my regrets. I had a terrific mom and I know she wouldn't hold anything against me and she would understand just how tired I was. I just wish I had been more compassionate and understanding and not so self-consumed with my own troubles. I believe she knew that I loved her dearly. I just beat myself up over it because I wish I would have handled it more gracefully.

Theresa, friends will often try to analyze your relationship with your mom and why you feel the way you do now. I get that a lot as well. I think they are missing the point. We are devastated because our moms have died. That is in and of itself enough of a reason to cry. We cry because our moms are gone and we can't talk to them anymore. We can't see them. We can't hug them. We can't tell them that we love them and we can't hear the words said in return. What more reason could we have to cry? There is no picture perfect ending to the death of anyone's mother. It will always hurt badly. Believe me, your mother knew then and knows now how much you love her.

I do realize that there are people who handle the loss of their mother better than I have. Well, good for them. I only know one way to grieve her loss. It's nothing that we could have practiced for. What we feel is what we feel. 

Joy, my experience as mom's caretaker was different than yours. I jumped in with both feet and if anything I clinged to her even more tightly as time went on. I didn't want help. I loved for friends and family to visit mom. I loved to see that smile on her face. I loved to see how much other people loved and appreciated my mom, but you couldn't pry me away from her with a crowbar. I knew the day would come that I would wish she was still there and she would not be. I knew that one day all of that medicine, her hospital bed, her clothes, everything would be gone. And now that it has happened it's almost like I can go back in time and see myself sitting next to her dreading that day.

It still hurts badly. I can only imagine how much your mom loved and appreciated you for being her caretaker. There is no such thing as a perfect caretaker. But what there is throughout that whole process is love. It's not always pretty but it is still love. You wouldn't be here on this site if you didn't love your mom with all of your heart.

Again, I just wish that I could hug each one of you and give you a shoulder to lean on and a friend to talk to. It's not like I am healthy myself. Lord knows I need a listening ear, too. I just know what it is like to lose your mama and I wish that I could be there for each of you. 

Yesterday my Mom's cat was very sick and I was devastated. I was sure he was dying and there was nothing I could do about it. I can not described the intensity of the sense of loss I felt. I had to call a dear friend to help me take him to the vets because I was paralyzed by my grief. I know it was not all about the cat. It opened up the wounds of Mom's death. I just felt like I could not go through losing something else that was very dear to me and that I loved. Sometimes I just do not know how I am going to get through this. I am told it is going to get better, but it sure does not feel like it right now.

Bluebell

Bluebell, the timing of this is eerie. Two weeks ago I came home from work. One of my mom's two little dogs was very sick. She greeted me at the door but I could not get her to eat. She just laid on the floor. I tried to take her outside for walk but she could not make it down the stairs. As much as I love these little dogs, and I love them with all of my heart, this was about more than one little dog (Krissy).

All of the time that I was mom's caretaker these little girls were my best friends. They loved me and they loved my mom. I never got lonely when I couldn't leave the house (when mom was on hospice). They wouldn't allow for that. Since mom's death they have been everything to me. One of the last things my mom asked me to promise her is that I would take good care of them. These dogs are a great big piece of my mom.

I took Krissy to the vet. I got there right before the office closed. They told me that Krissy would die if I did not get her to the animal hospital. She was there for a week in ICU. Losing Krissy so soon after my mom would have destroyed me, or at least it would have been another brick in the wall. That dog... I went to see her after she had settled in ICU. She tried to get up when she saw me. He little tail was wagging. She licked me before I left and tried to get up again. I broke down telling the vet and her assistant why Krissy means so much to me. I came home and her sister was very upset. She was whimpering and looking for her sister. It killed me to go to bed without Krissy, especially not knowing if she would make it or not. I went to visit her once. She was so happy to see me but when I started to leave she trembled horribly. I spent the week hugging her dog blanket. The vet and I decided that it was best that I not visit again until Krissy could come home.

She is back home now and seems to be fine. I had to take her to the vets for a follow-up on Friday. They needed her for the whole day. Krissy started trembling again as I started to leave.

My dogs, your mom's cat, they are such a part of our moms. They are a connection that we still have to them. And we know that (like our moms) that one day we will have to say goodbye. I know how much it hurts.

It's easy for others to say that you will get through this. I think a lot depends on your own personal situation. Everyone's life is different from the next persons. Their experience was not your experience. Just remember how much your mom loves you. Still loves you. Please try to let that be your rock. That's all I have to fall back on. That and two little dogs. There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I can't see it yet, but I will always pray it's there. All I can do to help is to tell you that you are in my heart. I will be thinking of you today. You are not alone. 

Ironically two days after my mom came home from the hospital her beloved Schnauzer Toby passed away . He was only 14. I let him out in his fenced yard and he came back in and drank alot off water. My Mom watched him and said let us see how he does. A few hours later he crawled under Mom's bed and passed away. My daughter said to me GMA will be gone in three weeks and she was. Then we gave her parakeet Petey to her great granddaughter, she was cleaning his cage the next day he got out flew around then hit the floor and he was also gone. This has been a whirlwind of a ride. We all think Mom wanted her beloved friends with her. It is still unimaginable to me that I cannot call my best friend my mom and tell her what is going on in my life. I love you Mama more then words can ever say.

Thank you everybody for your encouraging parts of your life. It gives me courage knowing that there are other people feeling the same things that I am.

Janie, I initially wrote a very long response to your comment that I deleted. I found my self venting too much and you thanked people for the encouraging parts of their lives. I just want to say this... while not comparable to losing your mom, the death of Toby and that little parakeet must have hurt a great deal. That is a lot of death for one person to bear. Our moms deaths were more than enough.

I do understand a lot of what you are going through, and believe me, when you are crying, I am probably somewhere crying, too, for my mom.

Take courage in knowing that you are not alone. I wish that I could make things better for you and everyone here, including myself. I can't. I'm sorry for that. But you are in my heart, buddy.

I just wanted to say hi to everyone, see how you are.

Same for me, I am getting sad because summer is almost over here, and in December it will be two years for my mom.

I miss her so everyday, I hope she know that.

I pray everynight for her to come to me, but nothing, maybe she is too busy.  No dreams, nothing.  Sometimes I wish she would come and tell me she saw me standing at the foot of the bed in the ER, as strange as this sounds, when I got to her side after her heart stopped, I can say her eyes were looking toward me, they were not shut, very calm.

Very peaceful look.

Theresa, I always offer up that prayer as well. Nothing yet. I don't think that my mom is too busy. I just don't know if it's possible. I guess anything is possible for God if he wills it to be so. If I can't see her here, like you, I pray that she knows how much I love and miss her. She certainly knew in life that this would be hard for me. But is the absoluteness of death that is so earth shattering. When my mom would go on a business trip I always knew that she would be coming home. Even when she was very sick in the hospital I always asked about a release date. There is no release date for death. That is what rocks me to the core. Sometimes I will be just about to fall asleep and I will remember that. My eyes pop open and I will just feel so much anxiousness and sadness. To me it is all unbearable. Ever since mom passed away I have prayed that the Lord will take me home, too. I don't feel guilty about that nor do I think it is unnatural to feel that way. Sometimes love can be so overpowering that you just want to be with that person even in death. Especially if you believe that means being in heaven with that person. Now, my guilt comes from my unwillingness to bear my cross. Millions of people have lost their mom, grieved mightily, and soldiered on. I have yet to convince myself that I can. Nor do I know if I want to. It hurts too much.

Your situation is especially heartbreaking to me. I know that the circumstances of your mom's death are haunting. I can only imagine and I have tried to imagine.

Obviously I cannot tell you words that will make you feel better. I would feel like a hypocrite if I pretended to have some kind of sage advice. I have not even been able to help myself a little bit. In fact, my grief has grown incredibly since mom's passing. It is so much worse now than it was.

But believe me when I tell you that you do not have to go through this alone. I have never met you but I am walking with you through this. If you ever need help or if you ever need a friend, call me and I will listen.

My heart is with you today. My heart is spread all over. Half of it is in heaven, but a lot of it is still here as well. I know this because of the pain that I feel. You are not alone my sister.

Our moms may not be able to comfort us in death, but we will always know how much they loved us in life.

Theresa, I'm with you. I dread winter because here where I live we have such long winters, and there are so many gray and dreary days. I will especially hate it this year because of the holidays: Thanksgiving, Christmas without my mom.

When you lose that last surviving parent, It's really tough. My day died 15 years ago and I grieved for him, but not as much as my mom because she and I were closer. But now that she's gone too, I find that old grief that I thought was healed with my dad has come back. So now here I am grieving both my parents.

They were divorced but buried in the same cemetery so when I go to visit my mom's grave, I can visit my dad's too.

Joy, oddly enough I have more trouble with summer. I may have told you this before. Years ago I was in a car accident. That wouldn't have been so bad but I wasn't driving a car. Just me and my little dog out for a walk. I was hit from behind, knocked 68 feet, and landed in the street. Thank God I let go of  the leash when I was hit. My little dog was safe and ran home. That was in August.

The day that I came home from the hospital our air conditioning went out. The AC repair people couldn't come for a couple of days. Mom immediately had a window unit delivered. We put it in her room so that we both could have air conditioning. My mom made me sleep in her bed while she slept on the floor! I was too beaten up to argue with her. Mom used up several weeks of sick leave to care for me.

I can't help but remember that now. Of course, winter is no picnic either. Mom died on Christmas Eve.

Like you, my parents were divorced. I didn't have fond memories of my dad. I was strangely unaffected when he died. I didn't dodge a bullet though. When mom died I believe that I grieved twice as hard. A single mom who had taken care of and sent four kids through college. It still amazes me all that she was willing to sacrifice for us out of love.

I still have not visited her grave. I can't. It would be too much. Before my mom died she reserved the spot next to her for me in the family plot at our church. There is no place that I would rather rest.

Oatmeal, this summer is particularly hard for me as my mom died on May 17 this year, just a few days after Mother's Day and it has not been a pleasant summer because of her death. I don't really enjoy the sunshine and flowers. Maybe I will again some day. My mom was very big into gardening and she made our house so lively with plants and flowers of different colors. It's pretty dead now because I haven't been in the garden nor have I planted many flowers except one to remind me of her. 

I'm glad you recovered from your accident and that your dog came out unscathed.

As for visiting my mom's gravesite, I have to do it. When my dad died, I didn't even think about visiting a cemetery and I had no desire to do so after his funeral and burial. For some odd reason, while I know she's not there just her remains, I still am comforted to visit her gravesite and talk to her and my dad while I'm there.

I too dread the darkness that will come with the winter. Christmas without Mom as the focus will be especially hard. I do not know what I will do to get through that day. Do I ignore it? Am I supposed to celebrate it anyway even through my heart will not be in it? Do I reach out to friends and family or do I retreat into myself?I just do not know. 

I do not like the mornings. I miss the sound of my Mom's alarm at 6:30. She always got up at the same time. I miss our routine in the morning. I hate the deafening silence of this house without her in it. Yes, we did not have heart to heart talks; that was not her way, but I loved taking care of her. Even as a child I felt a need to take care of her. It is hard to go on living knowing I am alone and without a purpose in life. I just do not have the strength and courage yet to search for other ways to have a meaningful life. Many mornings I wish I would just cease to be so that I did not have to struggle to pick myself up and go on. But I go on, putting one foot in front of the other, hoping that life will be precious to me again instead of the burden it is now.

Bluebell

Bluebell, you have to do what's best for you. If you don't feel like celebrating Christmas, I for one will not judge you. You've experienced a life shattering event. I don't feel like celebrating it myself. Although I know the true meaning of Christmas and my not putting up a tree/decorations or visiting with friends will not make Christmas that less meaningful.

I hope you can get to the point where you can enjoy life again. It will be very different because your mom is no longer there, but I believe our moms would not want us to wallow in pain forever. We have to have the courage to go on (even though right now we'd rather leave).

I agree it is drudgery just trying to live and like you mornings are the worst for me. Every morning, I feel this deep ache in my heart because I know mom is not in her room and I'm in the house alone and the worst anxiety comes over me. Then I'll have a good cry and the pain dissipates somewhat and then I go to work. It repeats itself every day, but I hope that some day I will wake up and the pain will have subsided. 

Bluebell, I felt every word that you typed. I don't know of any  good way to get through Christmas without our moms. My grief support class convinced me to set a place for her at the table on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I did. That about killed me. That was very bad advice for me. I did not put up any decorations. It would have killed me to look at those. I gave them all away after my mom died.

I remember one Christmas. I could not go back home because of my job. I worked for American Airlines and we don't shut down for the holidays. I was never able to go home for Christmas. One year my mom decided to not go home for Christmas. She wanted to stay with me so that I would have someone on Christmas eve and Christmas day. She took some heat for that. Our relatives wanted her to come home, especially my sister. Mom told them that she wanted me to have a good Christmas too. That Christmas eve I was still missing home. My mom said, "Brett, do you know how many people who would just be thrilled to get to be with their moms for Christmas?" Boy, do I ever know now.

The Christmas eve before my mom died, she could not go back home. She was too sick. After dinner she and I exchanged presents. Eventually I made my way to the den to watch TV. Mom just continued to sit in her chair at the dining room table. I realized that she was too weak to move. I asked her to let me help her. She told me that she was fine. I knew better. I asked her if I could call 911. That made her angry. She was tired of being probed and prodded at a cold impersonal hospital. I wanted to sit there wit her but she did not want me hovering over her. Eventually she gathered the strength to get up and go to bed.

I was certain that would be my last Christmas eve with my mom. I was wrong. There was one more. She died that day at 4:16 pm.

Mornings are the worst for me as well. I always wake up with a tremendous feeling of anxiety. I don't know what on earth I am dreaming about but it cannot be good. Last night, before bed, when I said my prayers, I told the Lord that I knew what was in store for me in a few hours. I asked him to please make that stop.

Joy is right. Our mothers would not want us to feel the way we do now. It would hurt them very much. My mom told me before she died that I she wanted me to have a happy life and let her go. I told her that those were fine words, and then I asked her if she could do that if I was the one to die first. She didn't answer.

Joy, I am like you. Each day I wash, rinse, and repeat. I always pray for better days. I want for you and Bluebell to be happy again. I want that for me, too. I just don't know how we get there, but I will tell you this. I would rather have known the love of my mom and feel the way I do now than to not have known her at all. What we are feeling is grief but it is also very much wrapped up in love. Our mom's love us dearly.

Brett you are right its not because she is busy its because it is not possible.

I lost my dad 17 years ago on December 14th/my mom will be 2 years on December 19/my grandmother many years on December 24th.  

December is tough, but I do remember my mom still managed to put up lights in memory of my dad and her mom, I did the same the past year and will do it again for her.

Brett mornings are horrible for me also I wake up extremely anxious, its awful.

Theresa, maybe it I not possible, but what is very real is how much they loved us. It's only natural to want a sign or a connection from someone that you love so much? We just can't turn love off like a water faucet. I'm not sure that I would if I could. I may turn it off when I need some sleep or when the anxiousness is more than I can stand. It seems that I can tolerate depression better than I can anxiety. It actually makes me feel a little better to cry. I have not found a way to cope with the anxiety of my loss.

We lost our moms just days apart from each other.

I agree. The anxiety is hard to deal with. I have to remind myself that it has a beginning and an end because when I am in it, it is overwhelming.

Bluebell