Funny, I was thinking about the cremation issue this morning, wondering if I'd feel better w/her ashes nearby.  Mom already had the burial plot purchased, so it is moot, but there is something comforting about having the remains nearby.  PS...My Mom's favorite dog passed away in 2010 and I had her cremated.  I keep her urn in my bedroom, with a picture of my Mom nearby.  And, I do talk to her urn now and again!  I had seriously considered putting her ashes in Mom's casket, but, I really like having them.  They don't feel so far away. 

Miss her so much today. Wish I could still hear her voice and touch her face.

Yesterday was 2 months since she passed.  I had a dream the night before that she was sitting across from me, in her housedress (LOL) telling me that she had fallen, but had been lost and could not find me; I then gave her a big hug. I woke up in tears from that one...eh, if only she were still here.  Not enough hugs in the world.  Having said that, I'm starting to feel a bit better (marginally) and I hope I can get through the next 2 months (Mother's Day, birthdays, Fathers Day). Miss you Ma.

I do wonder about that stuff; it was very vivid...it was the kind of the goodbye I was not able to have with her....perhaps my subconcious at work, or maybe a visit from beyond.  Who can say?  It's all still quite raw even after 2 months; my Aunt told me she cries every day since my Mom passed.  I hope she'll feel better in time, but it's really hard on her, being the last of 10 siblings.   I'm an only child so, it's hard for me to fathom what she is feeling right now.

The numbness has really worn off over the last couple of weeks and now the reality that Mom is gone is sinking in more than it has ever before. I am experiencing a great deal of "roller coaster" emotions--anxiety, sadness, restlessness, sleeplessness (again), and it makes me uncomfortable. Everything I've read about the grieving process has taught me that this is all normal, all par for the course, and that for many, it gets worse before it gets better. Anyone else relate?

Jeff, soon after my mom died, I had a dream in which she and I were visiting each other in an airport. It was very vivid. The thing that I thought was sort of remarkable was that she looked very happy and told me, "my knees don't hurt anymore!" My mom had terrible arthritis in life and was always in a lot of pain.

I too am feeling a lot of emotions, mostly deep sadness and for moments anxiety, I feel very nervous and try to take deep breaths. I try to think being in this ''valley of shadows'' it's normal for now, since it's only been 3 months.

 After my Mom died, a week after more less, I dreamt we were sitting side by side looking at the horizon, don't know if it was sunset. I had my hand in her arm and we were smiling, looking ahead. It had a peaceful feeling to it. I do hope very much that it wasn't just a dream but that we actually were together, somewhere...

It is getting harder each day that we are getting closer to Mother's Day, I loved making it a special day for my mother, even though everyday was special with her, we lived together and always went places. To make it harder it will be  her and my dad's 50th anniversary, she was looking forward to it and having a party. I remember her asking me, if I thought they would both be here for it. It will also be 17 months that day since my mom passed. Although, I go out with friends and seem like i am doing okay, I feel I still live in my mother's memory, I think of her all day, scary part is I don't want to move forward, I don't know what I am moving forward to.

Eliza, thank you for posting the Grieving Bill of Rights...it is so important to be given permission to grieve as we need to.  Jeff, so sorry about your mom.  I totally understand what you mean.  My mom was older also, and it is no less painful for me than anyone else.  She was my mother and it doesn't matter if she was 38 or 90, we all are entitled to grieve the same.

Mom will be gone 6 months on Tuesday.  I decided to take the day off from work, go to her house that is up for sale and go to the cemetery. I was told by someone, why take the day off, if you are at work you can forget about it.  I really do not think I will forget about my mom being gone 6 months.  As far as Mother's Day, I told my husband I want to go away.  I do not want to be home and continue with the traditions we used to do on Mother's Day.  We are going away for the weekend, but will eat dinner on Saturday night at a restaurant that has her name.  It was a joke we had with mom and we brought her a bumper sticker from that restaurant, which she kept on her refrigerator.  I am very lucky my mother in law understands and we will take her out for dinner on a different weekend. 

I don't know what comes after death but whatever it is, heaven or just a void, I will be there with my mom and that's all that matters.

Today starts mom's 6 month journey home.  It will be 6 months after midnight.  I can not get the image of how great she looked the night before and what an extreme difference there was when I went to see her 6 months ago today.  My heart is broken and my eyes are welling up with tears just thinking of the way I saw her.  What bothers me the most is, instead of sitting holding her hand which I should have been doing, my friend and mother in law were holding her hand while I was calling my priest and trying to find out what happened to her during the night.

Ann, I've thought the same thing, whatever it is that there is (or isn't) after death, eventually I'm going there too, the same as Mom. It's a bit of a comfort.

Cindy, for me it's 3 months today. It's hard not to think about that last day.

Melisa, so sorry.

Eliza,

I think the roller coaster of emotions is normal; I know I've been up and down.  Sleep has been intermittent, at best.  I'm just very restless and ill at ease.  I keep remembering that last image I have of my Mom, after she passed.  It's just very difficult.  Focusing on work and other "stuff" helps, for sure.  Working on cleaning out her house; there will be a town wide garage sale this weekend, so hoping to sell some stuff.  But even that is hard, so many little things that you want to hang onto, but can't.

Ann, I don't know what comes after death anymore than anybody else does, the only consolation is, can't be worse than living without my mother.

Its been three yeara today since i lost my mom and theres notba day tht goes by tht i dont think of her...its like she never left i still call herhopeing she will answer...everytime i have a question i call her thn i snap back to reality..it hurts so much it feels like i just lost her...i need my mom back i feel like a child lost looking for tht one thing to find comfort but shes not here...love u mom

It has been six months today since I lost my mom.  I feel so lost without her.  Not a day goes by that I don't  think about her.  Words can not express the hole in my heart and the tremendous loss I feel.  Mom, I love you.

Dear Julia,

My condolences.

you can start at Tributes.com

God Bless

MIke

My condolences to you Ericha.  A good friend of mine committed suicide several years ago and left her children wondering why.  It's all very hard to understand, but in most cases you have to assume/accept that the person was not thinking clearly at the time.  It's just a huge loss to the children, who assume that they did something "wrong" which is almost never the case. 

Erica..so sorry for you and your family. 

I've also been thinking about things I didn't get to ask my Mom. I don't know very much of her life before she had me. I could ask my aunts, but they didn't live in the same country we live in, so I don't know if they can tell me what I want to know. I feel so stupid in not having asked many questions while she was alive.

 I don't know if she believed in the afterlife, how she thought it would be. I don't know how exactly was her relationship with my father, who left her when she got pregnant. I don't know how she felt about what I was doing with my life, whether I let her down, because caught up in daily life I didn't usually speak frankly with her.

 I didn't know she was going to die, so I couldn't imagine I wasn't going to have the chance to discuss many issues, but still.

 It's crazy how much she took away with her when she passed!

My precious mom, Nancy Davis, took her last breath 9 months ago. I miss her so much every single day. Sometimes, the grief over not being able to dial her number and have her pick up the phone feels absolutely disorienting & incapacitating. I didn't realize until recently that she was my world, as I knew it. I'm now having to try to re-learn how to simply "be" . . .  My mom was the only person who really knew me and cared about me & my family. Over the last several months, I've seen that she was right about so many things that I just didn't understand before. I so often wish I could just talk to her and tell her. Then, my 10 year-old says, "Don't be sad, Mommy. Mimi already knows. . . "  I try to keep in mind what my mom would want for me, how she would want me to handle this and I try to be strong and make decisions that would make her heart rejoice & be pleased.  She always said her children were "from good stock".  :)  I will pray for all of us in this group. May God take care of us and our precious Mama's too.

This is my mom and my 10 year-old, just 5 short months before she went to be with the Lord.

Dear Natalie,

My deepest condolences.  That is a beautiful picture and thank you so much for sharing.  From what you have said and the picture, I would have loved to have met your mom.  I hope her and my mom are both praising the Lord together and having a great time watching over us.

God Bless all of us.

MIke

Another Sunday and again I'd love to go home and spend the evening with my Mom. I know I will always miss her, but I do hope this feeling of not knowing what's the point in living goes away eventually.

When she passed it was painfully clear what a huge part of my life she is, a huge part of my identity also, my most important role in life was  being her daughter, now I don't really know who I am.

She was so sweet, a very considerate person who would never hurt anyone's feelings. She had a special sense of humor, she kept life flowing for me in spite of her health issues and in spite of everything. I can't believe I won't be able to share another moment with her in this life. Everything seems bitter these days.

I miss seeing my Mom each weekend; as difficult as her healthcare situation had become, I still enjoyed seeing her each weekend.  Now, things are much simpler, but Mom is gone and I miss our little visits, as brief as they were.   this weekend, they had the townwide garage sale in her neighborhood, so I put out as much as I could from her house. Selling years of stuff for pennies on the dollar; that's what it comes down to at the end.  Just incredibly depressing.  I'll probably have another garage sale in a month or so, then donate what's left.  I can only keep so much, realistically.  I wish she were still here....it's just a dull ache without her.

Today is my mom's birthday.  It has been almost 4 months she has been gone.  I too ache, I wish she were still here so I could tell her happy birthday and that I love her.  Things are just not the same.  Sunday I have a family reunion to go to. This is for my mom's side of the family.  I know it will be a difficult time.  Last year, my mom was feeling good, looked good, was happy to be there.  They always give updates on what has happened in the last year.  I will probably start crying when they say my mom passed.  Be strong!

I will be doing the Race/Walk for the Cure in May.....it will be the first time walking without Mom..and Dad just isn't ready to do it.  I have friends walking with me, just not going to be the same...and isn't going to be an easy walk.  Every time I think about it, my heart aches and tears well up...not sure how I am going to make it through.

My mom passed away nearly seven weeks ago. The first four were difficult it was like walking through a dream. I had never experienced grief like it before. I was crying everyday. I kept trying to make sense of it. Mom had always been there, I could always talk to her about anything. She was funny, intelligent, my rock, I could always draw strength from my mom. Though my dad is still with us and I do love him, it was my mom I was close to. She was always interested in what you were doing, what you were cooking for tea. Why was I wearing that jumper and not a different one? She had an answer for everything. I fear that as time goes on I'll forget her voice, her mannerisms, what it felt like to be in the same room as her. Any children I have wont know my mom, their nan. It doesn't seem right. When the end came I was with her holding her hand. And though it sounds strange its made me view death differently. My mom was able to pass through that door with dignity, and when my time comes hopefully I will

do the same.     

today I ran for my Mom

That's great Michael. It's very sweet.

thank you, it was very moving.

Went to a family reunion today.  It was very difficult not having my mom there.  My aunt was there, they look so much a like it made me miss my mom even more.  Visiting with my aunt and cousins was great. 

yesterday, after dividing up some of my mom's stuff between my brothers and sisters, they left.  I went into my mom's room...turned on the light, 1 of the 3 lights in the ceiling fan went out.  LATER I went back in there to look for something, and ANOTHER bulb went out!  I know it was my mom telling me that she is not happy with us for going through her stuff, dividing it up, and getting rid of stuff so quickly.  I know she isn't upset with me, my idea was to leave everything  alone for many many months before we even touch it.  but my older brother wants to sell the house.  I spent last night at my mom's and I only woke up once during the night! I NEVER do that.  I can sleep for few hours then I feel like I wake up every hour or so.  I feel that my mom was there to comfort me and to help me sleep.  Thank you mom

My colleague at work is going thru a similar process as yours Nancy; 3 siblings and very different views on things.  One's in a hurry to be done with it all, the other isn't, etc., etc.  I'd say just move at a rate that you are comfortable with.  I'm in the process of cleaning out my Mom's place and it's just terribly difficult, emotionally.  And, I have no siblings to deal with. 

thank you Jeff.

It just makes it so much more difficult having to deal with my brother.  It is hard enough as it is, but having the added stress just makes me sick, my chest hurts...I just hope this isn't affecting my health.

My mom was a simple pretty trusting person.  I have a hard time trusting.  I feel so abandoned...I just don't know whaat to do.  I know none of us have any guarantees.  I don't have any answsers either. 

Michael,

What a beautiful picture of your mom! It was also beautiful that you ran in her honor and memory.  I know she is well-pleased.

Our House in Los Angeles is a great support facility and they have different events.  the Run for Hope is every year and this was the fourth year for me.  three years for my wife and this year for my mom. 

My condolences to everyone.

God Bless

I had a dream about my mom and woke up crying.  In the dream my home was decorated for Christmas; it looked like a department store with decorated trees and lights, beautiful.  At first I liked it then I started screaming..."My mom isn't here, there is no Christmas!"  Then I walked into her bedroom and she was in bed with a white sheet covering her.  She kicked off the sheet and I asked her, "Aren't you cold?"  She was angry and said, "No!"  Her eyes were not open.  I woke up crying.  Sometimes I miss her so much I can't breath.

dreams can be weird.  I had another dream last night where I was in a car w/my Mom and Aunt.  Mom was driving and said she was tired, so I told her I'd take over....this is the same kind of "car dream" I had before.  Perhaps it reflects that my Mom was moving on and wanted me to take care of my Aunt.....something for me to ponder on!

Dreams definitely are weird but if you think about how they made you feel you can generally figure them out. Dream websites or books don't help much because your mind creates its own symbols. Think about how something or someone that made you feel in the dream.

Here's my own personal example. I had a dream that my dad was keeping my mom's corpse in his house. Then my mom's ghost came to me and told me that this is not what she wanted and to dispose of the corpse in some way. So I lit a fire to burn her remains. Unfortunately my dad found out and couldn't accept it so he ended up burning with her even though I tried to get him out of there. At the time the dream was very disturbing but its meaning was unclear to me. Now it's obvious. I want to forget about my mom as she was in death and because my dad is tied to that part of me part of me wants to forget him as well. I was always closer to my mom and I think my mind isn't sure how I can have a relationship with just my dad. I'm not saying this is right or a good thing, but I do believe you can learn a lot about your waking life from dreams. So basically, for me, forging an independent relationship with my dad is something that I need to work on for both our sakes.

Also, I hope this comment helps. I am pathetically self-centered when it comes to the issue of death. The two great losses in my life have been my grandfather when I was 12 and my mother when I was 26. All I know is what I have experienced so I'm sorry for the limited perspective. I can only offer what I have experienced and what I have learned. It comforts me to write about it. I do hope that it comforts some of you to read about it. But if it doesn't, you are more than welcome to write back to me. I would love to hear about your lives and what you are dealing with. I know that I'm doing a lot of talking but I would also love to listen.

Your friend in grief, and a loved one lost too soon,

Kathy

The Race for the Cure is coming up this month, and myself, my partner and a couple of other people are walking with me in honor of my Mom.  It has been 5 months and 5 days since she passed.  Some days it feels longer than that, and others..well, it feels like someone has ripped open my heart and the pain is immense.

  Kathy LaRue, I understand about having to develop a relationship with your dad.  Dad and I were never really close, until these past 2 years, a lot went on with Mom's health, and he and I handled it together, I have a younger brother who lives about an hour and a half from here with his family, so..well..enough said about that.

  When Mom passed, I realized that he had never lived alone, and that now, I was going to be the one to learn how to be friends with him.  So far so good, we have a few issues we deal with, and it is slow going.  It is going well though, we meet every Friday for lunch and then I hang with him for the afternoon.  I talk with him every morning.  So, it is happening....just wish moving through the pain of loss was as smooth going.

Yikes...had ANOTHER dream last night w/Mom and my 2 aunts in it...both of whom passed away 15 and 24 years ago, respectively.  Guess I'm dwelling on this lately, and I like to think that Mom has been reunited with her sisters.  I went to the cemetary today for the first time since Mom passed; it was very hard.  I miss her terribly.  Planted flowers on her grave, as well as my aunts' and grandparents.  Mothers Day will be 3 months exactly since she has passed.  Miss you Mom.