Dear Helder,

I know how you are feeling.  My mom passed in Oct of 2012 and I miss her so much.  I cry just about everyday.  sometimes harder than others.  I, like you, think a lot about my life with my mom.  the good times, and unfortunately the times i was difficult, obstinate, made her upset and was crabby.  I especially can't get over how frustrated I would get just before she passed, when her mind started to slip.  I wish I had acted better.  I did get to talk to my mom for three hours just before she passed, and that was life changing for me.  as she was slowly leaving us, I thanked her, praised, reminisced, and told her how amazing she was, I couldn't stop once i got started.  she squeezed my hand and i know she was telling me she was proud of me, even though I have done nothing to be proud of in my life.  6 hours later she stopped breathing and I kissed her and said, "God Bless you  Mom."

Great moms love us because they just love us.  I wish I could have told her more how much i loved her and how much she meant to me and I didn't wait till she was about to pass.  I want to tell her again and again how great she was and how much I love her.

God bless everyone,

MIke

I would have to disagree that you never did anything to be proud of in your life, Michael. There were likely many things you did that made your mother proud, but they probably didn't seem like much to you at the time. Like you said, great moms love us because they just love us. And you certainly gave her a monumental gift as she lay passing away. That heartfelt, genuine love you showed her was what she took with her when she left. You were such a good son, and you can bet that she's proud of you. Keep telling her how much you love her; maybe she can still hear you.

I think my subconscious can feel the first anniversary dates coming up, because I've been really sad. Mother died the day after Mother's Day, plus now, here comes Easter when we used to talk of the phone every year. She always sent two cards -- a silly one & a serious one. Now there will be none.

I suffer because as my mom's death was sudden, I didn't get to say goodbye. One moment everything was normal, (she was recovering from surgery) and then the lives we had were over.

I find myself thinking about my childhood these days. About when my mom was pregnant with me. I look at old pictures, and wonder what she was feeling when the pic was taken. I never went through them when mom was here. Now they are all I have left and I cling to them. I have a few in my purse and when I'm at work I look at them.

I'd also wish my life had a rewind button. Or at least, a fast forward one, it's hard to think of all the years to come without mom!

I've also been spending time going thru old photos thinking of better times when my Mom was younger and healthier, back to when my Dad was alive and I was a kid...those are the things I try to remember right now.  Time passes so fast....Even though I could not be w/my Mom when she passed I believe she knew that I loved her and would do anything for her.  The next few months are tough w/Easter and Mother's Day and Father's Day.  My parents b-days were in May as well and I lost 2 other close family members in May. Summer can't get here fast enough.

Dear Melissa and Jeff,

My condolences.   You are not alone.

God Bless

hi everyone, today is particularly difficult, well, im having physical pain, but im real upset about my mom....she passed 2 years ago, but it was her birthday recently, and the pain is still fresh....gosh I miss her so bad....its so hard.....but I have to let it go because its causing me to be sick.....its so hard.....

I love you mom so much....I will never forget you....gosh this is so hard.....

Today was the 1 year mark.  I think I did remarkably well!  I took 11 red balloons to moms grave, tied one to her shepherds hook and released the other 10 and watched them disappear into the clouds.  I placed 10 red carnations in her vase and one on the stone.  As I turned to leave I tearfully said, "I love you mom" and turned around and the red balloon I had tied to her shepherds hook was gone-I looked towards the sky in all directions and could not find it flying anywhere.  I guess she wanted a balloon! I love and miss her so much, but know she is "home" with God and with all her brothers, sisters, mom and dad, and friends who went before her.  I am hoping that as I enter this next year that the grief will weaken and that I can remember to rejoice in her life and in the fact that I was lucky enough to have her as my mom.

today was tough; went to Mom's house to start cleaning out her bedroom. moved out all her medical accessories: wheelchair, commode, walker, bathing seat.  I just lost it all the way around.  then her neighbor came to talk to me as she only found out recently that Mom had passed.  More tears.  Why is this so damn hard?  I tell myself it's a house, not a memorial, but just walking in there w/out Mom present brings me to tears.  but, I must move forward and do what needs to be done. 

I am suffering along with the rest of you.  My mom's death was sudden and traumatic two weeks ago.  She was killed in an auto accident - hit by a semi.  I just don't know how to be in the world without her.  I miss her so much.  So many of you here have shared so much and each bit has helped to try to make sense of the life I knew that is now over.  May the Lord give us all the strength to bear these horrible losses.

My condolences to you Sandy; it must be hard, I can't imagine.  My uncle was killed in a head on auto collision many years ago.  My family was devastated.  My prayers for you and your family.

Jeff R

 Thank you for kind words - people don't realize how much they mean to those of us trying to cope with this walk of grief we suddenly find ourselves traveling.  Thankful to all of you in this community, so very thankful.

Hello Friends,

It is another Sunday I am without my Mom. We use to go shopping and to the movies...out to eat every Sunday was OUR day. It will be 2 years June 26th. I am completely alone in the world. I recently started a new job and the office manager is so mean and controlling. I prayed that God would show me what he wants me to do with the rest of my life. I cannot imagine this is where he wants me to be. But I accept HIS will. I miss my Mom more and more as time goes on. I realize more how much I needed her. She was the only person that ever loved me for who I am. I could always count on her. I catch myself always with a sad face. I am trying to survive this world without her beside me. God bless all of you.

A week from tomorrow, my mom will have been gone 6 months now. It's hard to believe how fast time can go. After I went to bed last night, I started thinking about my mom, and got that familiar aching hole in my chest that I get whenever I think of her. But this time, instead of trying to push it away, I allowed myself to feel the pain, the grief, and maybe took one step closer to being able to think about her. I have no idea how long this grief process is going to take, but I think I'm still in the denial stage. I've got a long way to go...

Yeah, even though my Mom couldn't get outside of the house on her own anymore (she was dependent on me), I saw her every weekend.  Part of that was the systematic running of errands, buying groceries and stuff.  I really miss seeing her now, even if it was just sitting around for an hour or two watching the TV, having a cup of coffee, etc.  I just tell myself she's a peace now and past all of her physical struggles with Parkinson's disease.  The last year was so difficult for her, bless her soul.  She was a real trouper. :-)

Well, today is my first birthday without my mom.   It is 5 months and 9 days since she died.  Mom always started the day with an early morning phone call from her,  wanting to be the first one to wish me a Happy Birthday!! Have a physical planned for today, since I can't spend the day with my mom, will spend it with my doctor.  At least he will understand how I am feeling.

Dear Cindy , My condolences.

Dear Jeff,

My situation was similar to yours.  My mom was in a wheelchair and i saw almost everyday.  I would stop by to help around the house for my mom and dad.  When my mom got sick at the end, I moved back home to help dad care for mom.  Now i'm here with dad and it is so sad.  I think about my life with mom all the time.  she was an amazing woman and i miss her so much, i cry all the time.

God Bless.

My condolences to those who have joined our group.

I spent saturday going through mom's things with my brother and sisters. I have said before that it breaks my heart to have to go through her things. I don't care about her things, I want my mom back! 

I feel a void also...will it ever fill back in? 

Michael, thank you.

Nancy, I know exactly how you feel.  All you want is your mother to walk through the door.  You would give anything not to have to be going through what she left behind.  No thing will ever replace your mom.   I am sorry.

Yeah, I'm going thru Mom's stuff too, taking one room at a time.  It's an emotional struggle.  And, I'm also finding stuff that my Mom kept from my Dad, who passed back in 1976.  Doubly depressing.  But, this is life...it comes to an end and sadly, we all must leave our "stuff" behind.  Thankfully, my Mom was not a pack rat and had gotten rid of a lot of junk several years ago before she became incapacitated from the Parkinsons.  Still, it's an awful lot of stuff, and there are memories everywhere :-(

When dad died in 1981 mom kept a few of his things, they are now part of the memories I have kept from her.  She had begun to clean out her house after her brother passed away 10 years ago.  I was his executrix and she saw what I had to go through when selling his house and didn't want me to do that again with her.   I know she would have been happy that I folded and kissed all her clothes as I packed them for her neighbor to send to Poland.  Mom was Polish and would be happy her clothes were sent to people who would appreciate them.  I sent as much as I could of her things there.  This was her best friend who I gave them to to send to her family.  She asked if she could take a few items to remember mom by and we both cried.  I have most of her belongings in a room in my house and still have the basement to go through.  My heart goes out to all of you who have to go through this.  I hung her coat and my dad's coat in my closet and that is where they will stay.  I wish I could keep her house, but can't afford two homes.  I did smile going through some photo albums I brought home today.

The old photos make me smile too; happier times to remember.  I found my Mom & Dad's wedding album.  When you open it, it plays Here Comes the Bride...what a hoot.  Can't believe the battery works!  They got married in 1950!  I did not come along until many years later...LOL! But it was a real trip back in time and I enjoyed seeing all of my family from days past, young and healthy.  Sadly, very few of them are still with us, but it was so nice to see everyone so happy.

Jeff -- I don't think it matters how old we are when our mothers die. It hurts just the same. I was so fortunate to have 65 years with my mother, who died unexpectedly at age 86. I realize that people who  live that long had a good run at life, so it's natural for them to leave after so long. But you're just never prepared to be without them. Even though you are happy that your mother is free from Parkinson's, you've had a lifetime of sharing things with her and now she's gone. We only get one mother. My condolences to you. I'm glad you've joined us here.

Jeff, what a nice surprise when you opened your parents wedding album.  I bet they shared many happy times opening their wedding album together.  Same with me, my parents were married in 1947 and I was diagnosed as a tumor.  My mom was told she could not have children!  Glad you were able to see photos of your parents being happy!!!

I had to cancel my mom's cell phone plan today. I had to fax a note saying my mom had passed. It was something so simple yet so sad. This shouldn't be happening.

Dear Everyone,

We are all experiencing the empty feeling of our mothers passing.  Thursday will be six months since my mom passed away.   I love you Mom.

Amanda, that is not silly.  I totally understand.  I wish I had the voice mail from my mom's answering machine.  She had dementia and the blinking on the machine would bother her and each time I went to her house she disconnected the answering machine.....her voice was not there after she died.

Michael, so sorry.

No Amanda, that is not silly.  I find that to be a very sweet! You needed something to hold onto. 

We boxed up my mom's clothes to take to goodwill.  I did take several things that were hers.  I have a couple nightgowns and pj's.  I love wearing them. 

I have come across things that have good memories and some bad memories. 

My old room still has things in it from when I was a kid...it is hard for me to remove those things.  It is just so difficult.  I keep asking why she couldn't have stayed for a few more years!

Thanks Judy; yes, I think you are right, it's never enough time and you are never quite prepared for their departure.  It sucks.  Re: phones and such, I had a run in w/the gas co., as they were giving me a hard time about redirecting the bill to me. It's unreal that we have to go thru this crap.  Re: Cell phone, I still have a message from my Mom on it from the day before she passed (within 24hrs).  Nothing dramatic, just one of those silly little things...she was looking for a calendar...actually then called me at my office about it.  It was one of those, "really, is this that important?" kind of requests.  Well, it turned out to be her last request.  But, I made sure she got it.  I buried her with a small pocket calendar tucked under her hands along w/photos of me, her favorite dog and my dad.  I just had to give her what she asked for, one final time.

I love you, Mom.  Me and my Mom used to sew together all the time.  I went today and bought some fabric at JoAnn like she and I used to do, and the feeling of missing her was almost as raw as if she had just passed away yesterday.  It's like no matter how long she is gone that I can't stop longing for it to be like it was when she was alive.  I'm having such a hard time moving forward into a reality that does not include her in a physical sense.

What a tender gesture, Jeff! I think it's great that you included such personal items for her. I feel that those kinds of actions are felt by our departed loved ones in ways we may not understand. Your thoughtfulness was definitely noticed, though. Good move!

Amanda -- I only wish my mother used a cell phone so I could still hear her voice! I think you should hang onto that phone as long as you want to. Nothing weird about that.

hi everyone....im having a  hard time, ive been writing quite a bit lately....I have gone thru some of my mom's stuff today, but actually, it didn't upset me, I think im growing up....its more comforting...I did find a necklace of hers that I gave her and am wearing it and I will never take it off.....its beautiful....I forgot I had it....im so glad I have it....I forgot about it but found it, ive been sick recently, and not feeling well, and I think part of the problem is that I might be inwardly upset about  her.....I don't know, imeating right....im not trying to figure it out, im just tired of it.....im a healthy person.....but people do have things fall upon them.....Michael, im still so sorry for your loss....its been 2 years since mine and its fresh....im just now having problems again.....but its not upsetting me, sometimes I feel like I have no emotion, but that's ok, cause too much emotion is not good either, the advice I can give people who are mourning, try and not wallow in it, cause I got to that stage, you need to be healthy and try and move on without our loved ones.....but it is not easy.....im thinking happy thoughts at this point...........but when you don't physically feel well its harder.....if you want to email me my email is rchschl6@aol.com....i would love to hear from you guys if I cant get on the post

Easter season is a tough one...all about resurrection and such.  A lot of emotions are just churning around right now.  Over the last 10yrs or so, I'd be the one in charge of preparing the holiday dinners at my Mom's house...we were down to me, my Mom, my aunt and whomever Mom's caregiver was at that given time.  Right now, I can't even consider preparing or eating a meal in her house, not until I can get things to a better place.  I'm just going to take my Aunt out for brunch and keep it low key....she's already distraught over things. 

And, it sounds a bit selfish, but we all have to worry about our own physical and mental health.  Amidst the sorrow, it's easy just to get completely run down and depressed.  I noticed that I'm losing weight (good), but mainly because I've been rather "down" and don't really want to prepare food or eat all that much (bad)!  

My best wishes to all of you to take care of yourselves! 

a few days after my Mom passed, I had a dream that I was driving my car w/my Aunt in the front seat and my Mom in the back barking directions....maybe her way of telling me "where to go"! it was kind of funny, actually.  I woke up and chuckled. 

This is going to be a difficult weekend for me as well many of you.  I'm spending Easter with my sisters/family at my mom's house.  It is going to be hard.  Last year Easter my mom was doing well...we took lots of pictures with her great-grandkids...she started saying 'that is enough' if we only knew that was the last time we would all be together when she felt well...I would have taken even more.  I would have talked to my mom more...when we colored eggs we always had fun. Laughing at stupid things...Laughing with my sister...many years ago we had the stuff that shrinks over the egg...well, my sister stuck the spoon into the shrink stuff with the egg...we laughed so hard!  Every year my mom would bring it up....remember when....

I wish I had to words to tell you all what kind of a woman my mother was to me and all those with whom she came into contact.  She was beautiful, kind, smart, courageous.  When my dad left and she was left alone to raise me she picked herself up, put herself through college, and bought the home where I now live.  She did it all by herself, with no help from family.  Through it all, she managed to love me every day.

My mom also raised me alone without help. I'm very proud of her and hope I can live up to the kind of woman she was.

I can relate also to what you say, Amanda. I think it's very unfair that I find myself without my mom now. I don't want to live in a world where you can just lose someone you love so much without the chance to even say goodbye. I simply can't accept it.

Miss you Mom. 

Love Mike

I lost my mother last year at the age of 42. Im only in my early twenties and I feel like Im too young to have to go through this. I think about her everday even though its been a year it still feels like she just died. I miss her so much, she was the only family that I had. I have really sunk since her death. Im in the beginning of my life and I can't believe I have to live so long without her. I feel like a little 5-year old orphan without parents now that she is dead. It feels like nobody cares about me. How long is this insecure feeling going to last? I know Ill always miss her, but I just want to feel secure again. I guess I have a lot of maturing to do. How long am I going to feel like an orphan? Im grown, I should nt be feeling insecure like this.