It's Christmas in Chicago.  I held my mom's ashes and cried.  My heart aches.  

It's been about 1 year and one month since mom has died. I feel worse now than I did last Christmas. Actually i feel like the first year i was in denial and shock. Now I cry more than I did before. I wonder if anyone else if like this. I really dont want to go on but, I know my dog needs me. My sister has totally isolated her emotions from me and there is no one I can talk to.

Well, actually I;m reading the comments and it seems like a lot of you are having a harder time with teh second christmas than the first one. I'm angry at myself for feeling like i dont want to go on. Im impatient at my sister for blocking out all of her emotions. I am so alone.

I feel really ashamed because this is far from my first or second christmas without my mom. i lost my mom when I was 15 and I am now 42. I don't really know why this christmas has been really extra hard for me but it has. I have not wanted to do anything. No shopping, no decorations, no nothing. Then I feel bad because of my children. They deserve a special christmas. I miss my mom so very much and I feel like the memories are fading. I just have images now. There are no conversations just images. Sometimes I would give anything to just call her on the phone and hear her voice again....

Dear James,

I know exactly how you feel about your family crumbling.  My condolences and merry Christmas to you and everyone.

K - I know how you feel.  My mom died just about 3 weeks before Christmas.  The first year was the hardest.  I remember we tried to go on.  My brother and sister-in-law gave me a present that I opened, but I was numb.  Nothing mattered at that moment.  It gets a little easier with the passing of time, but nothing has mattered as much since she left.  For all of you, I hope that now that Christmas is over that you all feel a little better.  I know for me, I never knew there could be a pain as deep as loosing my Mom.  Someone said that they wished they could pick up the phone and call her - I'd give just about anything to be able to do that.  I miss her so much.

I know this might sound crazy but what do you do for your loved one's birthday, when they have passed..any ideas? Mom's birthday is Saturday and I'm not quite sure what to do. I'm used to having her with me so I'm kinda stuck! And should I celebrate her earth birthday or her new birthday?

Jennifer, you don't sound crazy.  I have my mom's ashes at home with me.  For holidays, I buy her flowers.  I also buy her Betty Boop figurines because she loved Betty Boop.  I place the flowers and the figurines next to her ashes.  I also play her favorite music.  

I think it's a great idea to honor our mothers on their birthdays whether they are here or not. I had a scotch on my mother's birthday this year, but would do more stuff for her if my dad weren't watching! He thinks I'm silly, but you know I'm not, right, Jennifer?

Jennifer, Ann and Judy - I buy my Mom flowers and presents all year long and put them on her grave - same for my dad.  On her birthday, I make it special by donating flowers to church and then taking them to her grave after church as they give whoever donated the flowers for the altar the flowers after church.  I do the same on the day they died.  I do not think it is at all silly to celebrate their birthday still.  I just wish I could still take her out to eat on her birthday like I did when she was alive - Red Lobster for my birthday and then for hers.

I have my mom's ashes at home as well! I wanted to go to Red Lobster, since she loved that place but I would be going by myself and I think I would feel weird sitting at a table alone. Judy, of course I don't think you are silly! I want to do a lot but I guess I'm afraid of what people would think..it's a shame I let that bother me!

I think going out to eat at her favorite restaurant would have been great. Maybe you could bring a friend or family member with you and that might you feel less afraid of what others might think of you. I lost my mom in April 2012 and her birthday is coming up so I am trying to think of things I can do. I don't want to just pretend that day doesn't mean anything to me now that she is gone. 

Yeah or maybe take out. I don't have anybody to go with me, all my relationships are gone or very toxic for me, except for my Cairn Terrier, Toby. 

I was embarrassed to tell my friends what i did for my mother's birthday. It was a hard day for me, i went to the cemetary twice, since I live 5 minutes away. I bought her a card and i put flowers and a Starbucks card on her grave. That evening i put a candle in a cupcake and sang to her. i thought i was nuts, but, I couldn't let her sweet day go.

MSB - I love that story! I think it's so touching that you did all of that for your mother. I bet she heard you singing to her. I think it's really very touching that you honored her in all of those ways. Keep it up!

Jennifer -- Yeah, my best relationship is still with my dog, too! Some of my friends are failing to understand that I can't "just get over it," so I spend less time with them now.

My mother died the day after Mother's Day, 2012. I wish I could stop time so I wouldn't have to experience that date. I've already endured my BD, her BD, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's Eve, which was when we celebrated Christmas last year due to my dog's having cancer and my being out of town. I wish I had known then that she was sick, but one one knew. That was the last time I saw her before she went into the hospital and never left.

That's sweet MSB! I hope I am able to do something like that and not worry about other people's opinions. People will never understand until it happens to them! Exactly Judy, they expect us to just get over it but I can't do that! That was my Mother for goodness sake! I see people get more upset over celebrities, who they have never met, and go on and on about it. Yes it's sad that they passed but they want to pass judgement on me for grieving over someone who I lived with for 22 years!

I'm guessing now that the holidays are over, the storm will probably be a little less choppy...at least until mother's day. How are you all holding up? 

James - thank you.  I guess I'm holding up okay.  I hope you are holding up okay too.  It does seem to be a little easier now that Christmas is over, except for that big old tree sitting in the living room reminding me of how much my Mom loved Christmas, and my Dad too.

Jennifer - you are so right - I get so mad at people for going on and on and on for months about celebrities they didn't even know and then telling me to get over it, because I lost my Mom.  Get real!

I think some of those people who seem really insensitive probably never had a really close relationship with their moms and, therefore, can't fathom why we grieve so. Still, when we are vulnerable, it's best just to keep our distance. And that celebrity thing! What's up with that?!?

I thought it was only me, that when i hear of a famous person passing, it is sad, but, i don't get all upset. I didn't know them. But, my mother was the closest person in my life for almost 47 years. I too turn to my dog, I always talk to her about our mom.

I go back to work in the morning.  I feel alone at work, I am alone at home, I am just alone.  How long until I see my mom again?  I feel like life is a prison sentence.

Ann- I totally understand the feel alone all the time.  I have a partner, but that doesn't ease the alone feeling I have.  It's hard for me to sometimes just to get up in the morning and go through the day, I don't work, I am disabled, yet I do have responsibilities around here.

Good luck with going back to work, maybe and I say MAYBE being busy at work will help a bit with that alone feeling.  All I know is I haven't found a way to rectify that for myself.

Ann, I too am by myself. I have some wonderful friends, however, the last thing i ever want to do is et in the way of their lives. I feel like i exist day to day, only my pets need me.

Ann, I can relate. I only have three people in my life, well two people including my dog, that has been there for me through it all. Yet I still feel alone. I'm always by myself and I don't have anyone to go with me to places if I need to go or just to hang out. I feel like I lost my world when Mom passed!! I hope that you and everyone else is able to find some peace and comfort this year, that is my wish for everyone!

Anne, I too don't work. I'm on disability for Bipolar and PTSD and it's been hard just finding a reason to get up in the mornings. I'm trying to get in the volunteering spirit but my motivation for everything is extremely low!

MSB, I totally understand about not wanting to get in the way of someone's life. I have one person who I could count on for anything, and even though she has told me she was always there for me, I still feel like a bother to other people. My pets is the only thing that has kept me here, I know they need me, and that has been my motivation to keep moving on..somehow!

K, I'm so sorry for your loss! Somehow, some way, you manage to get through the day. On the 27th of this month, it will be a year since I have lost my mom. It feels like it just happened!! I've been going to therapy and that has helped me. But journaling and/or writing to her might help, it might sound crazy, but it helped me.

K -- That first couple of months is like you're in another world. You don't believe it happened, and then what happened is all too real and you feel like you can't even breathe. There's a lot of stuff to do, so sometimes there is respite in that, but by and large, it is numbness vs. pain. I wish I could say something to make everything easier for you; I think your reaching out to this group is a great sign, and you'll find that we've all gone through hell and lived to tell about it. I haven't hit the one-year anniversary yet, and I am still going through hell on so many days. It's a journey like no other. Stay in touch.

Since the new year started, I feel worse. I miss my mom more and more and my cat's passing in November has been torture. I am scared of the new year.

I got the double whammy with my dog dying two weeks before my mother, MSB. It feels sooo empty! This is the time of year last year when I was dealing with my dog's dying from cancer, so it's an especially hard anniversary. I know it does feel like torture, and like it will never end. It sounds trite, but you just have to get up every day and live that day with whatever upheavals it may bring. You may be surprised that there are some days days without upheaval! Fear is a killer. I'm not qualified enough to tell you how to cope with it, but I do know that when I feel afraid, I try really hard to focus on something that brings love into my heart -- even if it hurts. Love is always better than fear, even if it's upsetting at the time to experience the love that's seeminly now gone. At least it was there before, and I don't think it really and truly goes away. It only feels like it does.

Judy- I think you are right, that pain doesn't go away...I think when my Mom passed, she took a part of my heart with her that was reserved for her.  I am dealing now with one of our 6 cats that may have cancer, we are taking her for an ultrasound as soon as there is an opening...I'm just not sure how many more pieces of my heart I have left to lose. :(

I found out my mom was dead two weeks ago today. I could not even think clearly that first week. Crying first thing in the morning, at times in the day even when trying to eat id just have to stop and cry.

Dear Jo, My deepest Condolences.

Mary,

You have every right to express how you feel. I loss my mother, and it takes a while to get use to not talking to her.

Hello Everyone,

I am still finding that there are many days when missing my mom is harder than others. My mom was my go to person for pretty much everything and now that she is gone I have to try to remember everything that she taught me. The past few holidays have been really hard without her, because I miss her so much.

Sincerely,

Mary Norris

My mother passed away suddenly July 31, 2012. I have been depressed for a few weeks now, and it seems to be worse everyday. I feel stuck in this stage. Anyone else dealing with depression? 

Linda:  My mom passed 29 Nov of last year, and I am dealing with depression as well...find someone to talk with, start a journal to your mom remembering the good times, and if it gets any worse talk with your doctor. Feel free to message me anytime.

I lost my mom Dec 28.  I feel empty.  I suffer from depression as it is and this has made it so much worse.  I don't know what a normal grieving process is suppose to be like.  At times I feel like I need professional help to deal with her death and the family issues. 

Sorry to hear of your loss Nancy.  I don't think anyone knows what a normal grieving process is like, is there such a thing?  I think everyone grieves their own way.  What I do know is that if the grief interferes with functioning in your life then yes it is time to seek professional help with dealing with your moms death and your other family issues. There is nothing wrong with asking or seeking help!

Several of us are dealing with very recent losses of our mothers. It always hurts my heart to read about how hard it is. My mother died the day after Mother's Day, 2012, so it's still all new to me, but not as fresh a wound as Jo, Linda, & Nancy. It feels like your grief and your tears will never end, like you'll never recover. In a sense, I think this is true. We will never "just get over it." Oh, it's a terrible, terrible pain... I do want you to know that, for me, things eventually got under control and I can function again. That first couple of months is brutal, but you will come out on the other side. For now, just cry and scream and stare into space. That's "normal." I still cry a lot, and feel that stabbing pain in my heart. There's just no easy way out. I think we're all more vulnerable now because of the "holiday hangover." I hope y'all will continue to post here. I've found that the people on this board are really comppassionate and supportive.

I lost my Mama on new years eve 2012.... so tomorrow is one month for me, and it is the absolute worst pain that I have ever felt in my entire life. No one seems to know or understand how i feel. I have 2 older brothers, and i was the youngest. I am 28 now, but i feel like a kid all over again because my mom was my everything. She was my bestfriend. I told her absolutely everything. I just feel so lost. There are times when i am fine, and then all of a sudden it just hits me all over again. I miss my mama so much. I just wish I could tell her again that I love her. I wish that she could wrap her arms around me again and hug me. :(

The LORD is my shepherd i shall not want! I have all that i need... My mother died three weeks ago yesterday. She had six kids i said all that to say this some of the kids who did not help pay a dime now want to complain COMPLAIN about things mother had that she said they could have when she was gone. Fact is thats no way to be when we had to sell her stuff to help pay off the bill. I had all kinds of bumps poping up on my skin i thought we had bugs of some kind. The bumps got worse i went to the er and the doc said it is stress bumps. So today i am going to give back my share of my mothers things. I will do my best to be the one to forgive and even forget that i payed 100.00 on the bill we all owed.

I will leave one note to the sister who says EVERYTHING is hers it shall read....The LORD is my shepherd i shall not want i have all that i need

Dear Jesse,

I lost my mom in September 2012.  I know how you are feeling.  I also feel lost.  My mom was everything to me as well.  I miss her so much and it really hurts. 

Dear Jo,

I am sorry about your family.  I wish there was something I could do. hearing what you are going through brings tears to my eyes.  I miss my mom, too.  God Bless everyone.

Jesse, I am so sorry to hear about your loss.  You are to young to have lost her. 

Jo, I understand what you are going through. There are 5 of us, and before my mom had been gone 12 hours, one brother was asking who gets what, who gets money for selling cows.  THEN before mom had been gone a month, my other brother said he wants to sell my mom & dad's house! There is no reason to, it is paid for! Either we sell it  or my sisters and I have to come up with the money to buy him out, not something I can afford to do right now! It just breaks my heart that my brothers are so cold and heartless. Give the rest of us some time to try to cope with her being gone before we start with the "I want, I want I want!"  I am grieving and I am so angry it hurts!! Is this really worth it?  I just want to run away and hide!!  It takes everything I have to get up in the morning.   

I don't post as much.  Some times it's hard to read all this.  Today was a real bad day.  I actually thought after a year I was ready to remove my moms clothing.  Huge mistake.  I actually got physically ill and had to stop.  I have no idea where that came from.  I figured there would be sadness.  I'm use to that but getting dizzy and throwing up was something I didn't expect.  This pain is never ending.  I miss her and still can't believe she's gone.