I miss my mom so much...My mom passed away on June 24...of complications after Pneumonia that led to a hypoxic brain injury...

so many unanswered questions... so much pain.. so much anger.. so much emptiness... and now the holidays are upon us...And then I have friends who tell me "Go see a therapist"... When yes I realize I should see a grief counseler.. which is why I have sought out this group..however I wish my friends would offer their ear.. and just listen.. and not turn me away..or resort to only virtual communication with me

Dear Michael

My Condolences to you.

Therapy really helped me after my wife passed away three years ago and on 9/28/12 my mom passed away and now therapy is about mom.  Therapy really helps and your friends can't help you too much, even though they say and want to.

God bless,

Mike

sometimes i am glad that my medication keeps me a little disconnected otherwise i would be crying all day everyday. I miss her so much but i know that she would be proud of me for making major adjustments in my life. I know that she is still cheering me on telling me that i can do this. I went two weeks without my meds and it was the most miserable two weeks i have had in a long time. My heart goes out to everyone in this group. I know what you are all going through.

Dear Mom,

It's been about 6 weeks since you passed and I am still crying all the time.  I miss you in the kitchen watching TV, cooking and cleaning, crocheting, and just being you.  I'm taking care of Dad, just like I told you I would.  I keep the house clean for him and sometimes I cook for him.  I made him a pot of beans just like you showed me and I also made him a cake, just the way you showed me. 

I've also been to Olvera street, to get supplies for the Ofrenda I'm making for you.  I cherish those memories of our last trip there, just two weeks before you passed.  Olvera St. was the first place i remember you taking me when I was a little child, and it was beautiful that I got to take you back there before you passed.  It was your last lunch outing together and I will never ever forget it.  I'll never forget all the wonderful things you did for me, especially when I didn't deserve it.

I miss you so much mommy,

Love you,

Mike

11 months since you've been gone.  Still can't believe it.  Every one said it gets easier.  Either they lied or they just haven't experienced something like this.

I understand, Mark. Mother died 6 months ago today (the 15th). I have been a total mess. I just cannot get those last images of her -- when they pulled life support & when we saw her after she passed the next day -- out of my brain. I know she wouldn't want me to remember her like that, but I cannot seem to replace those images with happier ones.

I can't believe it, either. Strange, isn't it? Such a major incident in one's life, and it is still beyond our understanding and acceptance. I miss her terribly, as I'm sure you know.

Very sweet letter to your mom, Michael. Thank you for sharing it with us.

judy, i am sorry for your loss. I too can't get the images out of my head. to see my moms lifeless body lying on the couch is the most prominant in my head. Then to have all of her last wishes on my shoulders, i don't really know how i made it through those few days, oh wait i was doped up on prescription drugs that my psych doc told me to take. for some of us this will be the first holidays without our moms. i don't feel like celebrating anything. the only reason i will is for my daughter who is 7 years old. it will be 5 months on the 27th of this month since my mom passed. That day will forever be burned into my head. I talked to a friend who's mom passed 2 years before my mom and she said something that helped me out. she said" i don't want to say that it gets easier it just gets more tolerable" we learn to adapt to the fact that our mothers are no longer with us. for some its an easy adaption but for others it takes much longer. I am the latter of the two. If it wasn't for my medication i would be a shell of a person. don't get me wrong i am always thinking of my mom but i don't cry as much when i am on my meds.

Thanks for the poem, Sonia. It's perfect. I would most definitely like "to mourn no more," and I know my mother wishes the same. I guess grief just takes its time with us, has its own time-table.

I am so terribly sorry about the image you have burned into your brain. Dear God, that one is just terrible. I wish I had some helpful advice for you, but I think it's just something we have to go through. I think your friend is right; eventually, we'll be able to tolerate the pain more easily than we can now. Seems impossible!

It's been one week and one day since my mom passed away. Sudden doesn't even seem to explain what happened. We were having a conversation in our kitchen and she turned around to go to her room and then she was gone. My mom is gone. My mommy isn't here anymore and I still can't believe it. I tried CPR but nothing....they told me it was an embolism and there was nothing I could have done, she was gone before she hit the floor but that doesn't help. I want my mom here....now. I have to be the head of my family and coordinate everything...helping my siblings get through this and I haven't had time to fully just sit down and mourn for my mom. I miss her........I want her back.

Heather, I am so very sorry for your loss.  I wish there were words to say to comfort you.  You will mourn and grieve for a long time and you will want her back forever.  Know this, you are not alone, we here have all been through the loss and are here to help, to listen, to comfort.

Dear Heather,

My deepest condolences.  I know you are devastated.  Our moms are such special people.  I lost my mom just over six weeks ago and I know how you feel.  it wasn't as sudden as your mom, but it was quick and she's gone.  My mommy is gone, and now i'm here taking care of my Dad.  they were married 61 years.  and when i see him get sad and wipe tears, that is more than I can take.  I always break down and cry.  but i cry a lot anyway.  I want my mom back so bad.  I want to talk to her again, give her a kiss and tell her how much i love her and how much she means to me and hear her voice and see her face...

Oh, Heather! You are still a walking open wound. A loss that sudden is a killer. It just hurts so bad, like your heart is shattered into a million pieces. You'll be able to coordinate everything; I had to do the same thing, and I don't know how I ever got it done. But something just takes over, so you'll manage. It's the part after all of that is done that's so brutal. I hope you keep posting here so we can know how you're doing.

Hi Heather, my mum died exactly the same way as yours on the 21st of September. You have my deeepest sympathy. Shock, disbelief, numbness, bewilderment doesn't even begin to describe whta i went through and still do every day. Love xx

And here come the holidays.  I envy Bears that hibernate as I'd like to do that starting today and then come out of that slumber a bit after the 1st of January. 

This is my first complete holiday season as an orphaned adult.  I handled last years christmas ( 10 days after her death ) Easter, mothersday ( pure hell ) and her bday in September but it's this cluster of time where it's all about family that is bothering me much worse then all the above. 

Last Christmas was a combination of shock that her journey was really over and relief that there was no more pain.  Now it's all very real.  This is what it's like forever.  She isn't coming back.  For some reason the intensity of what we were going through at this time last year is haunting me.  I need more time under my belt with all that.  Things happened very fast starting the day after Thanksgiving.  This entire year has been a learning curve on how to adjust to moms loss.  I'm thinking this last curve is the hardest as I won't be able to escape the remembrance of her actual dying stage while the holiday season was carrying on all around us.  I have to address it but don't want to and know it's going to be agony. 

Last year I'd rushed on Thanksgiving evening to put up a tree and the decorations instinctively knowing she probably wasn't going to make it to the 25th but said nothing.  She was hopeful.  I laid her on the couch and she instructed me where to put all the ornaments on the tree.  My back was to her most of the time.  She never knew each placement on that tree was killing me as I sobbed quietly realizing this would be our last time doing something like this.  Playing in the background was Linda Eder her favorite Christmas CD. 

I remember thinking back then how Ironic that moment was.  Up until that moment my most favorite childhood memory ever had been Christmas when I was 4 years old.  It was the one specific magical Christmas that every child has to beat all Christmases.  Last Christmas filed that good Christmas away and replaced it with a horrific strained agonizing christmas filled full of images that I just hate visiting in my mind. 

I had been thinking I could deal with it this year but this is going to be a huge challenge.   I opened up the closet door with all the decorations this past weekend and looked at them with disgust.  I actually felt physically sick.  It was then I realized what will be racing through my mind for the next 6 weeks.  I am going to have to finally address all that horror that I have pushed away every time.  I don't like to recall the details of her dying.  It's unbearable. 

So, I like to be the bear.  I do get why some drink their sorrow away.  Thank God I'm not a drinker or I'd probably be sitting on the couch pickled out of my mind thinking everyone on TV is a big huge fat balloon but at least the pain would be dancing in alcohol in the background. 

I don't know how I'm going to deal with this.  I miss her so much.  I'm going to hate getting calls this week as the good deed invite to everyone's family gathering.  It honestly isn't about me it's about them and saying for one brief moment they did a nice thing for someone.  I don't want that role. 

as of December 8 coming up, it will be 2 years since my mom's passing....I dont think of her much, I have had a real hard time with that, cause when i do think of her, i think of not so good things....but she is still with me, and I'm going to see the Nutcracker on that day and she would love that....I miss you all, I have not been on, I have had positive changes in my life, I'm getting married, but I also have had poor health which I'm working on improving....I love you mom and I pray to god every day that someday I will see you again....love you so much....I will write soon....MERCY I LOVE YOU!  write me

Heather, i am so sorry for the loss of you mom, i lost my mom August 30th and getting through the end of December is not going to be easy, especially since i have no family other than some cousins who i am not close to. i will spend the holiday's alone watching tv i suppose and trying my best to think if the great holidays we had in the past., i wish each and every one of you here a wonderful thanksgiving, i hope that you have special people to spend the day with and honor your mom's. take care everyone.

My question is How does God know that I am strong enough to go through this life alone without my parents to guide me.  Especially my mother what made me the chosen one to live this life that has been handed to me. I ask God that there is no such thing as Thanksgiving and Christmas for me because I don't have the people in my life to share it with. I feel so sad and depressed. My mother would not want me to feel this way but I can't help it I LOVE THAT WOMAN! MY mother!

hello, i do miss my mom, but im worried about myself and since i talked to you all on here all the time or when i can, then i thought this would be a good place to voice my concerns...im going thru stuff, mainly medical problems....its not known specifically whats wrong, but im not doing well....im not sure how to get thru it, or to feel better....im taking meds but they arent working....im a mess....i pray to god, i just wish i wasnt in this situation, i actually wish god would take me so i dont have to feel or go thru this, cause this is not life....any suggestions or advice would help me alot right now please

other people are making me feel helpless, i will tell them what is wrong and they are like "what are you gonna do?" making it seem so hopeless....im smart, but i have no idea why i feel the way i do, and i just want peace

im too young for this, and even though i miss my mom and all that, i want to live my life, a healthy one....

if something were to happen to me tonight, i want to tell you all how great you have been with support over all this time....i hope to be ok....thats all i can hope for

My birthday is this coming Friday (Yeah, Black Friday.) And it's going to be sadder than shit...my first birthday without my mom. Not to mention it seems the rest of my life is going to shit too. Any advice on that first birthday? 

@ Brette, He's God.  I feel the same way.  Miss my mom. 

@ James,  I just did my first birthday without Mom.  Nov. 1st.  It was horrible.  I'm just saying...  I went out to dinner with friends, but it was still horrible.  Just remember how wonderful your mom was and that our Moms still want whats best for us.

God Bless,

Mike

On April 07, 2012 I lost my mother. It was/is very hard. On October 28, my birthday my best friend lost her battle with cancer. This year I learned I had a strength that I could never fathom. I try to remember my mother's voice but I can't....I try so hard. I love and miss her as well as my friend.

DEar Rachel,

I will say a prayer for you.

Love,

Mike

James D -- It's a good idea to do something if you can, but I won't lie to  you: My birthday was a heart-breaker. My mother always made a big deal out of my birthday, and all of that was just gone. It only drives home how much you miss her. But! Although it was really hard, by the time it was over, I felt a sense of gratitude somewhere in there with all of the sadness. I'll be thinking of you.

Chasity I can't remember my mothers voice either.  I want to so bad.  I was waking up hearing her calling me but that stopped.  I thought I was going coo coo for co co puffs.  I don't like at all what I've been feeling this past week.  It feels like impending doom based on being forced to go back one year and address what I blocked out about last year when she was dying at this time.

I wish you all well and hope you find the strength to deal with this holiday season.  I've learned a lot this past year and the one thing is that there is something so primal hidden inside of us we do move fwd even though it feels like it's through mud and tar and gunk.  I just really want the holidays to hurry up and go by so I can get this weird feeling about last year away from me.  It's too much to revisit in detail.  I think I'm going to volunteer at a shelter on Thanksgiving.

Rachel, all I can tell you is to place it all in God's hands.  As for advice, if the medication is not working and you are not happy with how you are feeling, seek a second opinion, ask the doctor if you were his daughter who he'd send you too and go to them. I know all I can do is say a prayer for your healing. God is merciful and full of grace. GOD, I ask you to have your hand on every person who comes in contact with Rachel, and allow only excellence be surrounding her. Keep her in your safekeeping. Bring her what only you know she needs. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

@michael I don't know if this will help in regard to your bday but here's what I did.  I didn't really feel a need to celebrate it or even think about it.  I moved around it if that makes sense?  I asked my closest friends to please not make an issue of it and just respect that request.   I told myself this entire year is a year of learning how to cope and in the future I'd allow friends to celebrate my bday.  My bday was huge to my mother.  In fact we use to joke that it was more her day than mine because she started celebrating at midnight and didn't stop until the entire day was over.  I'll cherish that always but this year I just needed it to pass quietly as if it were just any other day.  For now.  I also daily struggle with what my daily purpose is now that she's gone.  I do have a focus on what I could contribute and make a difference if I remain on this earth.  So I try to find that bit of hope when I am constantly asking myself whats the point.  That and knowing my mom would say it's not over yet keep going.  Hope that helps a little.

Brett, God says "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong." I understand where you are coming from, I really am not looking forward to Thanksgiving or Christmas, but my mom loved those Holidays. I am going to celebrate them for her.  The one thing I always tell myself that helps-my mom lost her mom when she was 37, I had my mom until I was 51, my mom lived 40 years without her mom-she never gave up, she never stopped living, even though I know she missed her mom dearly because they were as close and my mom and I were.  So I am going to be ok.  Yes I am going to cry, have bad days, but I am going to be OK.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I'm most thankful for having the best mom God could ever give me and although she's gone now, her spirit is always with me and I'm so very grateful for that.....love to all of you and Happy Thanksgiving to all the kindred souls out there who are without their mom's physcial presence this holiday season.

I feel the same way, Tammy. Thanks for the good wishes.

The pangs come in unprecedented waves.  One minute I seem fine, feel fine, the next I am in tears.  I miss mom so very much.  I had my first dream about her last nite, it seemed so real, it was a flashback to last summer when she was just starting her radiation treatments and she was having some memory issues. We just attributed it to the radiation and everything she was going through.  Now I have to wonder if the brain tumor wasn't there the entire time.  I know finding out would not change the past or bring her back, but for some reason I feel the need to know.  It bothers me that she had 2 PET scans done and there was never mention of a brain tumor and brain masses, how can that be? Today I feel so empty.

I understand how you feel. Mary. You will always wonder why there was no evidence of a problem, always think the docs should have known more. Mother's surgeon cut the vein from her leg too short for her bypass and discovered it after he'd removed her from the heart-lung machine. Had to re-anesthetize her and put her back on the machine while pumping her heart by hand. My father believes that is why she had four major strokes, and consequently, we had to take her off of life support. I will always wonder "what if," and will always wonder why no one figured out her problem before her arteries were blocked 99% on one side and 95% on the other. Finding out all of that wouldn't change anything, as you are realizing. I have to think your mother's memory problems were likely a symptom early on. It's too obvious to be coincidental. And even though that was a hard dream to have, I think it's great that she is coming through to  your subconscious. Maybe you'll start having more dreams of her now.... I miss my mother so much that my heart is in pain. I just got home from another visit with my dad and cried an hour or the two-hour drive.

I am having such a hard time not having my mom anymore. I still cannot believe that she is not here. the pain is still bad, she passed away in July from Pancreatic Cancer which is so so bad of a disease. If anyone wants to talk let me know. I need to connect with others who understand this pain. Jayne

I lost my mother almost four months ago. The pain is still there. I still cry in the dark to myself. All of the mental support of friends and family has worn off. I feel alone and I miss my mom. Worst of all , I didn't even get to say goodbye. That hurts so bad. The holidays are here and Im really lost in this world

Only on two occasions, my mom came to me in a dream. It felt so real, the air was blowing on my face and the sun was shining. My mom looked normal carrying her shopping bags. Everytime in the dream, I find myself offering her a ride home, but she always says she is taking a cab....... now I know that the cab is the only one that can take her to heaven. My car cant go there........

Jayne, I lost my mom on Oct 21 (not even 2 months ago) but it seems like she has been gone much longer. I am over the severe sadness I had I still have my little moments of grief. The thing that gets me through the days is the fact that I still feel her spirit is around me and it comforts me. I cant explain it but I feel her. I don't know if you are religious at all but I believe in Heaven and that my mom is there and I will see her again. Life is precious, death is mysterious and LOVE is all that matters. 

Diana -- I'm just now reading how you lost your mother. That is really, really difficult. I can't even imagine. I feel really badly for you... I think it's so encouraging that she's coming to you in your dreams, however. I couldn't help but think of a yellow cab when I read your post, and in your picture, you're wearing that bright yellow dress!

Hello friends...I have not been on site for several months. I have been working very hard and just keeping busy. I lost my only parents June 26, 2010. Mother and I were very close and we share December 19th as our birthday. I try to find meaning and beauty in life but some days it is very hard as you all know. It remains impossible to understand life and death. We all are born, experience things good and bad and then our time comes and we leave this world to move on to the next. I get so tired some days of putting my best foot forward. i miss my mother so much it is so painful during the holidays. No holidays plans, no Christmas dinner, no Christmas shopping or Christmas movie to get excited about seeing. I have created a nice life for myself, I am very blessed with having a roof over my head, wonderful friends but there is a hole, a void in my soul. I am a Christian and I believe I will see her again in the next world. I know for all of us this time of year just hurts.

This is my second Christmas without my mom and it's worse than last  year.  I started crying at work and had a hard time stopping.  I just can't stand being without her.  

First Christmas without my mom! Just not going to feel right. I found myself a bit disappointed the Mayans weren't right about the 21st. At least I would have gotten to see my mom again.

The Mayans were way off.  The world ended on March 18th 2011 when my mom died.

First Christmas without my Mom, and to me it is just going to be another day..she isn't here..and my heart is still breaking.  You are right Ann and Mary, the world ended when my Mom died and if the world had ended, at least it would have meant I got to see her soon rather than later.  My partner is trying so hard to make this a good holiday, just wish I could just leave it be this year.  That's what my Dad is doing for all events this year.  He will not recognize any of them including his birthday.

yes my world ended on 21st spetember 2012. Just want the festive season to be over. Finding that the sadness is still growing. And i find it too painful to even think of my mum, i love her now more than ever

Hi Friends,

For all of us who have a hole in our hearts - God bless. Christmas is very different for us. My prayers and love - Sue

My mom died Dec 12 2011. This year it is even worse for Christmas and my birthday follows on the 27th. I have no family besides my dad, whom lives in a nursing home. My world ended the day my mother died. i too, in a way, was hoping for another chance on the 21st to be with my mother. This year was filled with more losses. I am too scared to go forward, yet , what choice do I have?

I hear you guys. I'm stuck with a family that's crumbling, an uncertain future, and really wishing that the holidays were done. Especially since at work all they play is this soft-hit Christmas music BS that either annoys the hell out of me or makes me miss my mom even more. I don't feel like I'm going to move forward on anything until January 2nd...if that. 

If you're interested, PM me on Skype...I may try to make an online chat for all of us come Christmas Eve.