Ann, I find lots of shows very hard to watch.  I cant watch any of the shows we used to watch together, like the dance and singing contests.  But I understand one on grief support would trigger also.  I have not see it yet and do not wish to!

I agree, some shows are really hard to watch. so many things remind me of her or things we did together.

5 months, it has been 5 months since I lost my mom and I am beginning to feel I will never be the same.  I miss her so very much and it breaks my heart when I think of all the things she is going to miss and all the things I am going to go through that I will not be able to share with my mom, my best friend.  I don't sleep, my body hurts, I am so tired, so very tired.  I just wish I could feel like me again.

Mary, I feel like you hurting and full of pain. I am trying to think of all the good times she had with my whole family and how she looked forward to being with us and that is helping. I hope that it helps you.

I celebrated my first birthday without my mom on Saturday. I hadn't given much thought to it, but when the day came I was devastated. My heart felt so heavy and I spent the day in tears. For the first time in my life I realized that this wasn't my day...it was our day. Many years ago, on August 25th, we were bonded together for eternity. In the days since I have been overcome by loneliness and sadness. My heart feels so heavy.

HI AMIE, i too had my 1st birthday on earth without my dear mom.  it is so hard.  the world seems so different  without her being here.  i have got to believe that  she is in Heaven or i will go absolutely nuts!

I am dreading every event without my mom, so I feel for you aimie and sandee love. It is so hard and the pain is so there. I feel so sad.

I turned 60 in August.  Like last year, I spent the day alone.  Years will now pass with no celebrations, no acknowledgement of birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine's Day...they are now just all days, one the same as the other.

I haven't commented in a while.  I'm sure there are a few like me who find it very intense when you visit the boards or come to this site because I work so hard at pushing down the pain and agony of the loss.  When I'm on the site some times it's too hard too hard to deal with.  I did want to say hi to Tim L and thanks for the email.  I'm doing ok I guess.  It's been 8 months now and a part of me is still in shock she's gone.  On July 21st I got a call from one of my moms friends saying she thought of me that day because that's the day we found out she was terminal.  Not exactly a day I'd like to be reminded of.  I'm still mad at God but he gets it.  So if you do pray please keep me in your thoughts.  I have dreaded September.  Moms bday is this month.  I'm trying to prepare.  I've learned thats the best approach for events like that and similar.  I thought for some stupid reason I'd be ok with mothers day and boy was I wrong. So, lesson learned.  Be prepared.  Ann,  I get that void feeling about all those "special moments" gone forever.  Mom passed 10 days before last christmas.  Gut wrenching when the day arrived to really realize how empty that would all be and it will be never ending.  I'm still asking why am I continuing on with life.  It's like we are forced to make an alternate life of lies from here on out and call it our new happiness when way down deep inside in an area I don't even know where it's at but it's the one you cry from, you are aware the happiness is forever gone no matter how hard you try.

My computer croaked, and then I was gone for a week to be with my father. I'm just now catching up on everyone's comments. It seems we are all in the same boat -- lots of anniversary issues. I have to do my first birthday without her (the 13th), and then her birthday is in October... I have been going through her clothes and jewelry each time I visit my father. It's just brutal. How amazing that any of us can carry on at all, being in such pain.

I was so tired after I'd gone through most of her closet that I thought a bath in her tub (a Jacuzzi!) would feel good. Bad idea. All I could see in my mind was when I would go into the bathroom and wash her back for her. I think I cried enough to fill the tub without adding water.

Hi Judy, I am going tomorrow to see my dad and look through my moms things. It is so depressing and I am so sad. It is so difficult to accept she is gone. my mom was a vibrant beautiful woman who out of nowhere got Pancreatic Cancer.

I'm so sorry, Jayne. That's the second "out-of-nowhere" pancreatic cancer story I've heard in three days. It's so hard when they are taken out of the blue like that...

My mother was still so full of life, even at 86. Looking at all of her things reminds me of how much fun she was and how elegantly she presented herself -- disguising her very wicked wit! I feel for you having to go through your mother's things. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Her jewelry is especially "alive," and I brought home the last blouse she ever wore because it still smells like her. I wish you strength.

I never heard about pancreatitis and pancreatic cancer until my mom mentioned it. She was a nurse so she kind of knew what she was talking about, but didn't tell me how severe it was. For a couple of months, my mom went to the doctor complaining about it, but the doctor never said anything. Then finally the doctor at the hospital diagnosed her with it and sent her home. The next morning, she went into a coma, and passed away three weeks later. I miss her more than anything in this world!:/

I don't know how many of you believe in the goodness of The Lord, but if you are hurting and in healing I suggest you start there. I was angry with God for awhile. I kept asking "why?" And at seven years old when I lost my mother I was really pissed off and confused because I was seven and at that age what could I have possibly done to have my only bestfriend taken away? I still go through cycles of missing my mother but I don't cry every night the way I use to. It use to be that I speak about my mother and instantly just the thought of her would make me cry and miss her that much. But I believe that everything happens for a reason. And with that in mind, I continue to ask God to show me my purpose. The closer I get to Gods love the more blessings I receive and the less pain I feel at the absence of my bestfriend. 

Jalysa, your words really hit home with me.  I was very faithful to God before my mom died and she was the epitomy of a Saint, she did not just know of God, she KNEW God and spent most of her days praying for others and praising God. When my mom was suddenly diagnosed with a brain tumor this past Feb 29 out of the blue and died 21 days later, I was devastated, still am. I am very pissed off at God and everyone keeps telling me to pray and talk to God.  The other nite I tried and I could not even come up with a word, then when I was finally able to speak, the fury came out and I told God I was pissed as hell that the one thing I ask him for that means the world to me-the save my mom, he does not answer and he takes the one thing that means the most to me.  Plus I thought that as close as I was to my mom that I would somehow feel her close to me all the time, but I don't-which also upsets me.  I do cry all the time, the thought of her makes me cry because I think of all the things I miss-her hugs, her voice, her love. I know God loves me, but I think I am still in the pissed mode and thing is I know my mom would not want that and I can't get past it.

I'm wondering if any others can't completely get rid of all their mom's things?  The reason I ask is because one of my mom's sisters is surprised not only do I have mom's stuff still but I have kept our joint banking account open as well.  It was her's to begin with and we only added my name to reinforce the whole power of attorney situation.  The bank called a few weeks ago and said the account was still open with said amount in it with no activity.  Did i want to keep it or close it.  I told her it sounds strange but I did everything I was suppose to in regard to the funeral, burial, notifying SS, Dealing with Estate Recovery, over due bills but I can't touch that account or the money that's in it.  It's like the final act of eliminating her completely.  I have my own checking.  The funds in the account seem sacred to me.  Her final cash value and I can't take it.  As for her belongings?  I just can't give them away. 

Mark, My sister and I had no real choice but to get rid of most of my mothers things, but what we did do is try and ensure that everyone in her life that she had a special bond with received something of hers that would have meaning to them.  We donated many of moms clothes to a charity that helps women who are trying to enter the work force and need some nice clothes, we kept the things that meant the most to us and had a significant meaning to us. The rest is in storage for now.  As for the bank account, most banks will eventually make you close the account.  What we plan to do with what little money my mother had is to give it to a charity that was near and dear to her heart, that is what she would have wanted.  You have to do what you feel is right and what you can handle and if that is holding onto your moms belongings, then do so.  But if you think your mom would want you to do something else with them, by all means, when you are ready, do it to carry on for her.

My mother was my heart, she was my everything. My mother passed on March 17th of this year. This saturday will be my first sale of her clothing but there are a couple of pieces that I have held back because those were her favorites and they are dear to me. I am very saddened by the thought that Ihave to graduate from school, get married, have a family and grow old with out my bestfriend.  I am 26 and having to know that Imay live to be 80 and my mother has been gone 57 years, scares the hell out of me. I am going through a phase in my life trying to figure out what my purpose is on this earth and I am I strong enoughto live threw all of this hurt and pain that I am experiencing. This messageboard is bittersweet because I hate as people we have to meet under these circumstances but I am glad I am not aone in the healing process.

In regard to my moms clothing she was so tiny I don't know if anyone could use them.  She was only 4ft4 ish or there about.  Very petite  ( She wasn't a midget.  For the love of God never call her a midget  lol  it was a running joke with us)  But the blouses and sweaters are very very nice.  At her funeral when I spoke I said one of the coolest things I will always love is that my mom was a girly girl.  Her taste's were definitely all her own and every thing down to her bling coordinated.  It's the memories and since I helped her get dressed every time I see any of it, it brings back so much.  It's a connection very few will ever share with their parent.   I was her arms and legs my entire life.  I feel very bound to all of those things but know I can't just let them sit in box's forever.  In regard to the checking account.  Her bank is interesting.  When the woman called about the account she left the choice up to me without forcing me to close it out.  As long as I acknowledged awareness of the account and the amount they'd keep it with no fee's.  I definitely want to take the money and put it towards a charity that's a great idea. 

Mark, as I read your post I was reminded so much of my own mom, she too was very short.  I remember one time we were in the grocery and mom was in her electric scooter and this little girl about 4 or 5 looked at her mom and pointed to my mom and said, look mommy a little girl! Definitely her clothing-especially pants and skirts were too short for most people, but the organization was so delighted to get clothing that met an unmet need.  My mom also coordinated everything-she had over 700 necklaces and pairs earrings all coordinating with her outfits! and shoes-oh my goodness- so many shoes!! Like Brette I held out some of her favorites and even though I can't wear them I will keep them as they are dear to me.  When and if you are ever ready to part with her clothes, ask around I am sure someone can help you find an agency that can put them to good use.  I am thinking about volunteering at some of the agencies we want to give things to.

My mama was a "girly girl," too, although she preferred wearing pants to skirts as she felt she felt her legs were too skinny. She had lots of beautiful jewelry, a small amount of which I have kept. I likely won't wear a lot of it, but I'm not ready to let it go just now. It hasn't even been 5 months since she left.... Mary, I like your idea about donating the money your mother had left to her favorite charity. That's a great plan. Thank  you so much for the idea. 

Mary, loving your memory about your mom being called a little girl.  I have many similar stories with mom growing up.  We'd even get pulled over by the cops at least once a month because they thought she was an under aged kid going for a joy ride.  The car was rigged to meet her physical limitations and she sat on a stack of pillows and even phone books if the pillows lost their fluff.  LOL  One situation very similar to yours... I think I was about 13 and back then my mom was able to walk very carefully with crutch's.  Her gate was very similar to a waddle in order to maneuver.  Always risky in large crowds because just a slight misstep or light touch and she'd be hitting the floor.  Anyway, we are down one isle and a little girl maybe about 5 comes zooming by. She see's mom and freezes taking in the visual.  She starts walking backwards staring at mom and the little girl literally falls against her mom who you can tell is dying a 100 deaths that her daughter won't stop staring.  And the little girls says... Look mommy it's a puppet.  hahaha.  For the rest of my life periodically I'd refer to mom as my puppet.  We'd laugh so hard because that comment was very new to us at the time.  I miss that little woman so much.  12 days til her bday.  8 days away from 9 months since she left.  None of it seems real.  she didn't deserve last years pain and suffering.  i remain blown away how much one human being can endure for the entirety of their life.  

This may sound creepy but I have my moms remains at home with me.  There is a purchased plot but I have no desire to put her there.  She belongs with me.   It's all that is left of her and this choice feels right.   I keep them in the bedroom on a shelf but don't feel compelled to talk to them directly as I feel her around me every where I go.  I guess I feel like I'm just keeping her remains safe just like keeping her safe when she was alive :)

Mark, A lot of people keep the remains of their loved one in the urns at their home.  Some even bury them in their own flower gardens(not legal in all states), but to answer your question Damir, I do go to the cemetery regularly and talk to my mom while I am there cleaning up and maintaining the area around her gravesite.

Mark, it's not creepy at all! I have my mom in the living room with us. I have no desire to put her anywhere else, I even told my step-dad, that when I get comfortable living by myself, she will go with me. I just feel better that way!

I don't know if anyone is interested in this but I found this website, that makes bears or pillows out of loved ones clothing..highly considering having a bear made out of one of my mom's scrubs!

http://www.holdingmemories.com/

My dad kept the urn of my mother's ashes with him, and I am fine with that. He seems to need them there with him. Mother never wanted to be cremated, but since their plot isn't in the town where they lived, it really didn't make much sense to cart her body through Texas. I have many of her personal things with me, and I guess people think I'm a weirdo for having a little remembrance altar set up. But they'll have to get over it. But to address Mark's initial post, I really don't think it's "creepy" at all to keep your mom's remains with you. In a way, that's her, and it's comforting to have her there with you. I sort of think anything goes when dealing with the death of one's mother. It's probably the most traumatic loss we experience except the loss of a child.

Thanks guys for letting me know it's not creepy :)  I personally have never felt that way.  In fact,  it may be my one and only comfort dealing with all of this.   There are some personal items of her's I can't even look at or touch because it just opens the floodgates of despair but I always feel comforted knowing her remains are close by and I have them.  I've made it clear to friends when my time comes her remains are to be buried with mine in the plot. 

to me if you feel better with the urn beside you, then that is great, and you don't need the opinion of anyone else, it is what you feel is right for you and thats okay. We buried my Mom's ashes in the plot she wanted to be buried in because it is close to her Mom and Dad and thats what she wanted. I am very lucky that my Mom was an artist, so we have her artwork, paintings, everything she made surrounding us, which brings us peace, and we feel her presence this way, she was very giving, and there isn't one room in my house that doesn't have something she made for me in it, that brings me comfort, and her grave is only a couple miles away. Grave markers are also very very expensive, finding out now, around $4000 for the one we want.

But we can personalize it anyway we want it. I plan to honor my Mother's talents with music notes, and art brushes and flowers, on her marker. I miss my Mom like crazy, it's only been 6 weeks since she passed away, and the days pass, in a blur most of the time. Still just doesn't seem real. Lynda

So many people act as if I should be through my grieving and going on with life, but its only been 5 1/2 months since my mom passed away.  I went to my doctor yesterday and she assured me that I was normal and grieving is different for everyone and that of course it is normal to be grieving still at 5 1/2 months and that it would likely last a year or so because she said you go through all the special dates and events and you grieve her absence, but you still celebrate those things because your mom loved those celebrations so much and the time with family, family was very important to her and she'd not want you to give up on those because she is gone.  She also confirmed that I grief is normal but when it incapacitates you so that you cannot go about your routine, or sleep, that medical intervention is a good idea, so I allowed her to put me on a mild antidepressant/anti anxiety medication.  I have not been able to sleep since my mom passed, nor have I been able to leave the house much, so I am hoping this will help me.  I feel like such a failure that I can't overcome this myself. 

My heart goes out to you Mary.  This is one club membership in life I wish I wasn't a member of.  Allow yourself to grieve at your pace.  I'm nearing 9 months since my mom passed and every day there are still emotional challenges.  I'm very good at hiding my feelings in public but privately I often wonder if I can keep going on.  It seems endless.  I'm only in my 40's and my entire immediate family is gone now.  There's a lot of shock in all of it.  My mom's death was gutwrenching for me.  Her bday is also coming up as well.  My mind flips back to last years bday knowing how hard she fought to see it and not really wanting to celebrate it knowing that time honored phrase ( and many more ) was off the table vs all the other bday's where Chinese was a must with a big huge chocolate cake afterwards and friends calling and coming over all day.  I don't think I'm ever going to get over this.

Mary, I understand exactly what you mean. People wanted me to be over it when it hit the three month mark..I can't do that! It's been almost eight months now, and I'm no where near over her. I have lost a lot of relationships because I'm not 'better' now. I see a therapist twice a month, and that's pretty much the only time I get out of the house. She said that it usually takes a year, but could be longer, if you are suffering from complicated grief, like I am. My energy level and motivation is so low, that it's so hard just to get out of bed sometimes. Don't feel like a failure, be easy on yourself! You just suffered a great loss..take some time and most importantly take care of you! I have tried to rush the process and it just makes things worse!

Mark, you are right, it seems endless. I don't know how it is with you but with me, it feels as if I'm struggling to breathe 24/7..I feel completely numb and empty all the time! I'm with you, I don't think I'll ever get over it either! People think I'm crazy for having her urn in the house with me, I keep hearing, 'She's not there.' but to me, she is! It brings much comfort to have her here with me!

Lynda, I'm so glad that you have a lot of her artwork and that it brings peace to you! I'm also glad that you feel her around you..that's got to be an amazing feeling! I haven't felt my mom around me, I don't know if it's because I'm so depressed and it won't allow her to come through or what..I sure miss her though!:/

I am sorry for everyone and my heart goes out to everyone. My Mom has been gone for 2 years 3 months and 5 days. I think I am in a perpetual state of mourning. My Mom was my best friend of my entire life. When she passed away, I changed forever. I really cannot deal with this. There have been moments when I am a little better, but losing her was such a loss in so many ways. I knew it would happen one day, but never this soon and never like this.

However, I feel her presence and have seen and experienced things that let me know she is very close and is praying and cheering me on from Heaven! Many experiences have let me know she is still with me in spirit. And I have some of her remains in an urn on the mantlepiece next to the urn of our 1st Black Labrador Retriever who she loved so much. Sorry to write too much. Hugs to everyone.

well I typed an entire post and the PC ate it.  :(  How frustrating.

It was about my beautiful mother in the photo below. Which was taken 2 months before she had a stroke on July 7. 4 months before she died... August 29.

I know people say it gets easier over time. But I dont know how they make it until that much time has passed that it is easier.  Some days I just cannot bear it. And I live alone. My son is gone to college. My cat died 5 months ago. The dog is 14. I have a few friends but I cant call them every time I am feeling lost without mom.  She was deeply embedded in my life. We spoke often. About any little thing that caught our interest.  Her last text to me, still on my phone was "Happy 4th of July my little firecracker".  :(((  Now there's no one to call me "baby" or "angel".  I dont have anyone to regularly or meaningfully say "i love you".  I just feel so terribly alone. Cant see a day when it will possible feel easier. And tomorrow, I have to go back to work. (I was off on FMLA for 3 weeks... 2 weeks in hospice fulltime with mom. 1 at home). I dread being at work all day.  I dread every morning.  It's just so unexpected. We kept thinking, she and I, that she would get better. And come home with me. And I would still have my beloved mommy to talk to and hold hands with.  Yes... I DOOOOO miss my mom.  So much. So much. So much.

Karen, I am so sorry for your loss and I truly understand how you feel and what you mean about noone being there to call you baby or angel or sweetheart.  I have a husband and two children, but their I love you's are so different then a moms and I too can't see a day when I will better.  It's been almost 6 months since mom passed away and I miss her so terribly.  I have all these new anxieties that I have NEVER experienced- like my laundry is in the basement.. I am afraid to go down there and do laundry when my husband is not home because I am afraid I am going to die down there and noone will find me.  I am afraid to leave the house because I might break down and cry and people will think me insane.  People don't have a clue what losing someone who meant so much to you can do to you.

Karen, I'm so sorry for your loss! And I love the picture that you posted, very beautiful!! People say that but I think that we just become numb to the feeling, I don't think I'll ever get over this! And a lot of people don't understand what we are going through, all of my friends still have their parents so they think that I'm rediculous because I'm not over it. So I can relate to feeling terribly alone! I hope that going back to work will help you some, I'll pray for some peace and some relief and send it your way!:) You are not alone here, we have all went through a terrible loss and understand!

Mary, you are so right! I never had a problem going out to the store and buying things that I need, but now, if I can't find someone to go with me, then I do my shopping online. I've always had anxiety but never this bad..I hardly ever leave the house unless it's to go to my therapy appointments. People really don't have a clue what we're going through. I'm going on eight months and I still feel like I did, when mom passed. It doesn't seem to get any easier for me.

Karen both you and your mom are beautiful women.   I am so sorry for your loss.  It still kills me to look at photos of my mom.  At times it's just too much.  I call it a dark blanket that seems to just come out of no where and hover over me just waiting to crash down on me.  Some days I fight it and others I privately crumble and keep asking why am I continuing on? 

Jenn, we are living a very similar life.  8 months and counting for me as well.  I feel so embarrassed at times that I've opted to put off grocery shopping even when I needed the food because I just couldn't deal with the crowds.  I fake it when I am in public for work because for some stupid reason I am more concerned about how my situation could make someone uncomfortable so it's best to just play the game that every thing is ok.  I've even thought about taking my own life and have considered it a mercy killing rather than someone who just quit on life.  I feel so displaced.  I never realized my whole life was about her.  I can't stand the images of that last year.  I just miss her and don't know how much longer I can take that feeling.  Every day it's an exhaustive task to just get through it and I keep wondering what for?  It's still the same dark shit. 

A year ago I was one of the most socially dynamic people you'd ever meet.  Now, when the phone rings I let it go to vm and rarely call back.  If the neighbors bother me too much while I'm doing yard work I'll make an excuse like I need to go to the bathroom.  Leave the mower/leaf blower/ weed eater right where they are at and go in the house and sit there until they walk away.  Many times I've not answered the door when someones knocking and if they tell me later they were knocking again I make up some lie.  Taking a nap ( I don't sleep good at all ) or I didn't hear them.   The level of panic attacks I get are intense.  Especially when I first wake up.  Feels like my blood is going to burst out of my veins and the rest the day it feels like my body is humming if that makes sense.  But I smile in public, come up with a few witty comments and no one knows.  When my heart is racing I actually hope for a heart attack but then tell myself my luck I'd just get a stroke and someone would find me days later unable to move or talk and that would be my next hell.   At this point if mom was around and I was experiencing any of this with her still here she'd laugh and say ... son, you are a hot mess hahaha.  I want to cry at all of this but hate how deep the crying is.  It's agonizing.

Damir... I did read an article the other day that scientifically supported the old "act happy be happy" platitude. I havent been able to practice it for long each day... but I think about it.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/48815454/ns/health-mens_health/

The holidays are creeping around the corner.  My mom loved the holidays.  For me, they no longer hold any joy.

Putting on the happy face and getting on with my day is just friggin exhausting.  I do not find act happy/be happy is working for me at all but for some I suppose...  I would rather be alone than fake it but now that Im back to work I have no choice but to try harder.  I know I will get better at the faking part and maybe find it less mentally fatiguing but it will never ever move me faster into an its actually better phase of this journey.

Mark, it's so rough just to get through the day. I look forward to night time, just so I can go to sleep..that seems to be the only time where I don't feel any pain! It's very exhausting to do daily activities and keep up with the house..I've thought about taking me own life as well, in fact, it's a daily thought. I keep looking at Toby(mom's dog) and I promised her that if anything ever happened to her, then I would take care of him. And that's my goal(only goal) right now. I know exactly what you mean about not answering the phone or door to anyone, I usually don't answer the phone unless they keep calling, then I find myself making up some excuse as to why I didn't answer the first couple of times. It sucks that people want us to be honest about how things are, but when tell the truth, they don't like it.

Ann, I know exactly what you mean. My birthday(even though it's not a holiday) is in October and then Thanksgiving..those were the two days that I was guarenteed with my mom. She was a nurse so she worked 5 days a week, up to 14 hours a day, but she always took off on those two days..I dread it more than anything in this world! I don't look forward to them either, I used to love Christmas and we were suppose to go look at the lights this year..I just want to skip over it!

Anna, I'm to that point as well. I'd rather just be alone, than to have to fake everything. I'm tired of trying to keep friendships that just want me to suck it up and move on.. it's too exhausting!

Jennifer, your mom was so pretty, just like mine.  Pretty inside and out.

Ann, thank you so much!!

Damir, I totally understand! I'm on my mom's social security so I don't have a job right now, but I do understand that that's what you have to do to survive. I was just talking about people in general, like my family..I usually have to 'pretend' that everything is great, when it's not!

I find it odd that I have to pretend around my father, who is really devastated. But he has never been one to show his emotions (although we have shared some difficult times during & after Mother's passing), and trying to talk about her with him makes him very uneasy. So, we just talk a lot about nothing. I have to respect his comfort zone. By myself, it's a different story. Sundays are awful, and soon there is a string of anniversary-type dates coming up. It's just so hard; I feel for everyone who is posting here... I can totally understand the need to avoid constant mental breakdown, Damir. You are right; it's about survival.

I wished I had someone at home to talk to. I find when I have spent time with friends, that really all I want to do (tho I have to control the need) is to talk about my mom. Prob cuz that's all I think about.

Judy, that's very true! I think I take a lot of things personal, I have to realize that not everyone is like me..they have different comfort zones! It will be hard, football season is like a huge holiday for me because my mom loved football more than any holiday out there..it's been difficult! I miss seeing her get so excited and preparing for the game!

Karen, that's me as well. She is all I want to talk about most of the time(depending on whose around). Thankful for my therapist because I don't know where I'd be at right now, if I didn't!

My mother was a rabid football fan, too Jennifer. She loved the Cowboys from way-back-when, before they became obnoxious. The last photo of my always-elegant mother was, incongruously, in a Cowboys t-shirt she'd requested for Christmas. I can't seem to even watch the games because I know how excited she'd get about them, and all of that is gone now. I understand how you feel.