Dear Philip,

My Condolences.  My Denise passed from colon cancer in 2009 and I am still grieving very hard.  I have good days and bad ones.  mostly bad ones.  but it has gotten better.  Therapy has helped me the most.  and medication.

Thank you, Cynthia.   I like your responses to "the question".   I will remember that!

As for the phone, everyone I care about calls my mobile.    I just disconnected his phone and the house phone.  No more calls.

Thanks for being there.

Thank you, Michael.  I have considered therapy and meds but thought I'd start here to get a feel for what people are going through.   My condolences, as well, for your loss.

Terry my mom died of the same horrible cancer that took your dad. It was horrible to watch the toll it took on her. My sadness and grief are unrellenting. I have to take the most powerful sadatives just to get four hours of sleep a night. When I wake up, I relive her suffering all over again; its a neverending nightmare

I for one am getting sick of hearing people say to me, how is it going.I have now come to telling them not worth a shit. And if they don't like it  just bug off. How in hell do they think i feel .Good Lord  I just lost my wife . I don't care what anyone says unless they have been there they don't  know what the hell it is like. It is not something i am happy with. I miss my wife,and i sure as hell don't neet someone asking me how i feel or the other big one how ARE YOU DOING.Cause like i said not worth a shit.

me too Laura

Dear Laura:   I know exactly what you mean about going out to eat.    I take my ipad so I have something to do and so I don't end up trying not to stare at happy couples enjoying their dinner.  

My three hairy children (aka dogs) help to take up the space in my empty bed, but even their early morning kisses are really just warnings that they have to pee!!

I know that people who ask me "how are you doing" really do mean well and probably really want to know.   I don't think they understand that there have been other people who have asked that question multiple times during the past few days.   It's something akin to picking at a sore over and over again.   It friggin hurts.

I'm thinking perhaps some sort of sandwich board that I could wear with line items that read something like:

tears:   Y  N  You betcha

anxiety:  Y N You betcha

sleeplessness:   Y N You betcha

bitterness:   Y N You betcha

meltdowns:   Y N You betcha

volatility level:  Y N You betcha

If it were some sort of white board and erasable markers, I could just circle the appropriate box, people could read today's "grief forecast"  and eliminate some of the awkwardness.

I apologize if some of you take offense to my making light of the situation.  I'm really not trying to do that - I'm just trying to deal with the emotion on my side of the equation and the awkwardness that I know my friends are surely feeling - they feel they NEED to ask the question but are terrified of the potential answers  I might provide?   I don't know.   Maybe I'm just losing what little I had left of my mind.

Hello Friends,

Sunday...I call it the lonelist day. The day most families are together maybe sharing a meal, a movie...anything. I've been pretty sad lately. I cried for the first time in awhile the other night just thinking about how my sisters care so little about me they just couldn't put the effort in to be a familu until after mother left this world. I thought about dating again but somedays it sounds good and others I say "why"? My life is just simple and fairly uncomplicated right now. I met a guy on a dating site, we have spoken on the phone once, he had a malignant kidney removed several years ago. I couldn't even go there. My friends are like - it's just a date Sue! I don't even know how to date. And I started looking at my body in the mirror and had a panic attack about someone seeing me naked!!! Then my mind went to...would I have the right clothes to date?  Then it went even further...is my house nice enough for me to have someone over? Then finally....I have to say....what if he is allergic to cats???? I have four! My friend Lucinda told me that this time around it is about ME finding what I want. Not me being good enough for someone else. I so miss my mother on Sundays. Lonely Sundays....

Love you guys! Sue

Dear Sue,

I've also been pretty sad lately.  My job selling workout videos gets me down sometimes when i am reminded about Denise and how she also bought a workout video to lose weight.  I was talking to my therapist about it at my last session.  She said she wanted to "roll play" and she pretended to be a caller ordering a video.  She said she wanted to lose 50 pounds and then acted like an angry customer.  I immediately started crying.  She reccommended i go back on medication.  

Sigh....Sunday sure does stink this week. I just came home from spending the week with my daughter and grandson. They bring such joy. The 4 hour ride home though was quite tearful this week. I have a lot on my plate. I went to see some old friends and that was something I dreaded. It was a large group I used to work with and a birthday party for my dear girlfriend of 27 years but I made it through. Lots of hugs and akwardness but I just said to all who hugged me, no worries, there are no words, your hugs are enough said. My fear is that I will cry if I talk about it so it went well. I am contenplating meds myself. I have a sleeping pill but coming up on the year anniversary of my husband's passing, I am filled with alot anxiety. I was trying to recall what I did a year ago this time and for the life of me I can not recall. I also lost my watch at my daughters that my husband bought for me our last christmas and I am just devistated. I think that is why I cried so hard. I kept looking for the time on my way home. Ugh...Is there a bright side? Well I have to keep remembering that I now have a grandson who is such sunshine and a daughter who is a pain in my a$$ but I love her with all my heart and she loves me. I do have a sister in law that is also close to my heart and I am thankful for that. My mother has been a great support also, wanting to fix everything but knows she can't. I am thankful that I do have a huge network of friends and family that do love me. It just does not take away the hurt when I'm home alone. I will send you all who are hurting like me love and strength through prayers and hope that we will survive the pain.....

Yes...Barbara...Sundays are tough for me too. I am on a great antidepressent called Effexor. I would highly recommend the same for anyone needing help. Let's get get through this day ....Sue

Effexor Rocks

Michael, I hope that means its working for you.  For that Im glad.  Whatever helps keep you trying to live his life without your wife is a good thing.  Ps, I have taken Effexor a few years ago and it got me through a very difficult time in my life, so I know what you mean when you say, Effexor rocks! 

Whilst my wife was still here she never took anything stronger than over the counter medication, only towards the end when she was admitted to hospital 3 weeks prior to her passing did she go onto morphine,she was allways loathe to go onto prescription meds and so was I. My first month without her was very traumatic and i suffered a panic attack which i had no clue that it was a panic attack i just thought and felt like i was having a heart attack, after going through to the emergency room and having being attended to i was told it was a panic attack, and after hearing the news that my wife had just passed away the doctor wanted to put me on tranquilizers to which i replied no. All our lives we battled and fought through different issues and we allways agreed on never using scheduled medicines, i battled and am still battling to come to terms with not having my dearest Margi with me, but am gratefull that i don't have to depend on medicines to live my day to day. If it works for you and helps you cope and come to terms with your losses then use it, if it wasn't for my loving and supportive family and also accomodating workplace then it may have been a different situation.

If not for morphine my wifes would have suffered much more than she did .It put her to sleep so she did not feel anything when she left this world. Now getting off that.I had my first dream about my Jean last night.We were setting at the kitchen having our usual morning coffee and she said to me what she had said to me beforeshe left.You will find someone else to be with and do things with.I said to her .Would you? She said no i would not.I told her then stop talking so nuts.Thats when i woke and started to cry.Like i am right now.

Ron it does get better with time, the memories never fade and the hurt stays with you for a long time, April 19th will be two years since my beautifull Margi was ripped from us by pancreatic cancer, she outlived the doctors prognosis of 6 months by 15 months and just as we thought she had it beat, it took her swiftly within 4 weeks. After the 21 months of living day by day in reasonable comfort and without much pain to see her especially the last three weeks of her life was heartrending and made me feel so hopeless and useless by not being able to protect and defend her against this killer, i cried at night alone in our bedroom at night and during some moments at work when speaking to the doctors on the phone after hearing the inevitable.The first year afterwards was very rough as it's all the firsts, the first Mothersday then her birthday then Christmas then New year without her and all these days had their own emotional outbursts from me. I am much better now, i still talk to her at night and when i speak to someone now i am less likely to become emotional when i mention her name or that she has passed away which i couldn't do previously. We all work through it in our own way and it may take longer for some but i believe our soulmates someway and somehow communicate with us subconciously to let them go, and for us to get on with carrying on living not in the past but for the now and our kids and families but more importantly for ourselves. Keep well Ron.

Ron, my heart breaks for you.  I read what you wrote about the dream and just lost it.  I really don't know which is worse - the loneliness or the thought of even attempting to meet someone new.  

I heard this years ago and never forgot it:

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.  ~From a headstone in Ireland

Thanks Phil and Jan Your comments lets me know that i am not completly losing my mind after losing my Jean.

I hate life without my wife

grief counseling today and the whole thing just seems so unreal...also hating life without my husband - feel crazy half the time- on the anger and guilt merrygo round-just feel so lost, numb, fearful, -may God help us all-hugs and prayers <3

Laura your friends will come around. At the present  time they just don't know what to say to you. I personally  would rather they say nothing .It is better then hearing how are you doing and it will get better. How in hell do they know if it will get better. The pain will always be there. Maybe not quite as bad but it will stay in your heart. So all i say is hang in there and do the best that you can.

The last three days were so horrible; I just wanted to be out of this world. I was desperate for some relief from the pain. I asked God, please give me strength and grace, am at the end of my rope. I feel so much better today and have been helping clients at work who are so very grateful for my services. There is hope for us, God will give us all grace and strength, even if its on a minute by minute basis. Tomorrow I may be back to square one but today, am happy for some relief

Mercy,

God does give us the strength to go on. Love Sue

Hi guys,

I haven't been online here for a while. I've been going through a "good" patch, and by good I mean no extreme panic attacks etc.

However today I got some truly petrifying news. It hasn't been a year since Mum died and today my sister was told that she has abnormal pre-cancerous cells in her cervix after a routine check up. She is only 24 and my big sister and rock, the only family I have left.

Although they have caught this soon on and it is likely she will be fine, just hearing the word "cancer" has completely thrown me. I turned up at work crying and genuinely feel so petrified. Right now I just need anybody to tell me it will all be alright ;'( I'm so so scared and I'm trying to be brave for her.

I'm also going to have a check up next week now because we never found out the primary source for Mum's cancer and now I'm paranoid this might be a generic thing :(

Why are such good and selfless people targeted by this horrible murderous disease :'( 

G-Yup, every day. Its the realization that they aren't that sucks.

Well i had another wonderful day,I sun is shinning and it is getting nice outside.I just hate it.I was looking out the kitchen window and was thinking,Jean will not be here to work in her flowers around the house nor help me plant the garden.Then i jumped ahead a little. She also will not be here to help me can this fall. I  then got in the car and went to the cemetary.Cried there then came home and cried somemore.  I am so lost without my Jean .I pray every day that maybe today is the day God will take me home but it just  does not happen. i really do not like being here without my Jean.

i do have times when i momentarily seem to forget my husband is gone...at work, i think, i should call....oh, right, i can't call him, he is dead..i shake my head, where does that come from, i know he's gone...but it's so ingrained in me, i work evenings and he worked days, we would always talk on the phone a couple of times during my shift...its like loosing an arm, he's gone, but i still feel him..and of course love him, so much...but but but, its up to me to carry on, to take care of our home and myself, and i'm doing ok with it all...not great by any means, but ok..it just surprises me everytime tho, when i metally reach for the phone to call him...its so much a part of my work evening...so much a part of everything else that has changed.

It is going to be a sad week-end for me. Jean and I have tickets to the las vegas race. We have had the same seats sense the inaugural race (1998). This will be the first race we will miss. I sold the tickets to a friend. I asked him to tell our once a year friends that we sat next to  about Jean. I don't think i will watch the race on tv. I  think it would be to painful. If you care to see  a couple of pictures of my Jean at the track  go to facebook and search out my name .Their is also a photo of her in a sky box at a packer game .

Sundays are heartbreaking for me. It is the day I feel so completely alone. I wake up with such a heavy heart.

Morning Sue, weekend are rough period. These are the days we would spend together inseprable. In the beginning of our relationship, Jim would drive 260 miles to be with me so for 12 years thats how we would be together. After I moved in with him, 4 years ago, nothing changed. Even though we were together 7 days a week, there was no separating us. We were such best friends and loved eachother like never before.I cried in the shower yesterday, a good hard cry. I'm so drained today but I know I will survive. It feels like a no-air day for me, hard to breathe. There is a song called No Air by Jordan Sparks, if you get the chance, grab a tissue and do a search for it on Youtube. It really speaks millions to me. Just when I think the huge hurt is gone, here it comes again. Hang in there girl. Love, Barb 

hi everybody...am so relating to all the comments...sundays are so empty as that was our day to do stuff or just be together...went for a drive yesterday and just cried and cried on the way back home...however there appeared a huge rainbow as i was coming around a curve...i actually stopped got out and took a picture of it...i beleive it was God assuring me everything will be ok...eventually.   am going to try and find and do one good thing today... am hoping God will send you all some comfort today...huggggsssss and prayers to all of you

Hello everyone.  I was just telling my sister-in-law the other day that Sundays are the hardest day for me to get through without crying.

I decided I wasn't going to let cancer take away my Sundays like they took my Gary.

For a couple of weeks now, I've purposely left Sundays open to get out and go do something.   Anything.  It could be going to a museum or a concert or a movie.

Today, we had a huge book fair on the campus of UofA here in Tucson.  It took me the better part of two hours to walk the entire thing.

But I didn't get through completely unscathed.   Right at the end of the display tents was a table for.......guess what...... the American Cancer Society.  I couldn't stop the tears from coming, so I just let them pour out.  

After a couple of minutes, I was able to gain some composure so I could finish out the fair and walk back to the car.

It was still a beautiful day and I tried to concentrate on that and just enjoy it as if he were still with me.  But, he isn't.

Anger is raising its ugly head in my life again.  I used to happily give to the cancer fundraisers. I never said no to their booths, the canvasers, I bought daffodils every year.  Im sure all of you did the same.  But this year Im feeling so angry, and almost defiant.  It just makes me so angry that it didnt save my Tom.  Why????  I dont want any other family to go through what ours did, but I cant shake the anger every time I see or hear anything about the cancer walks, or donation jars.  And I am not an angry person so Im angry at cancer for making me into an angry person too.  Ugggggggg, I HATE that word, Cancer!!!!!!!!!

It has been a long time since Ive been on here, it's been a little over a year since I lost my fiance to lung cancer and to this day it doesnt seem the pain or emptiness gets any better.  I have tried so many ways not to deal with losing him I have become almost a hermit in my home with our kids I hate to leave it even for a little while.  More than anything I just hate dealing with people and things I just like sitting alone with my kids and talking about their dad or looking at the videos and pictures.  To me it still doesnt seem real family says because I have not allowed myself to grieve. People have started gettin tired of  hearing me talk about Jerry but he was the love of my life and all that I had aside from our kids.  He and I were always together there was never a time really that we were apart even before he got sick.  He was my best friend and my soul mate and now I feel lost I second guess everything I do and I find myself always talkin to his pictures and feeling guilty if I do something with anyone else.  Im angry he left me to take care of the kids on my own and I just dont know how to deal with it all and Im tired of people saying it will get better because as I said its been over a year now and nothin feels any different or easlier

Hi Shawna, I just read your post. I sit home alone most every night. I go visit my daughter and grandson every other weekend which fills my heart but sends me home in tears from all the lonliness. I've only been going through this not quite a year. I too sit alone and look at pictures, don't have a social life other than work, and feel so lonesome but I am not at a place where another man in my life is an option. I also found myself not talking about Jim any more because I don't want to burden or tire anyone from listening to my heartache so I just come on here where we can do it freely.  Your children I believe should come first. When they've grown to a comfortable age, and you will know when, maybe then you will be ready, but until then, just grieve the best way only you know how to. I know that I am not crying daily, so if that is what better is, then so be it but whan you and I had with our love, no one can judge or assume so just be you and don't worry about those who judge. Their life has gone on..... ours stands still in those moments of aloneness...which they do not understand. Forgive them.

Hi Barbara,  Thank you for your comment yeah I sit home almost everyday and night once in awhile I see my family and barely answer my phone for that only social life i also have as well is work and its a seasonal job so just now starting to do that again.  I guess I should do the same just stop talkin bout Jerry except for on here if the people on here had known him they would see why even after a year I still am the way I am he was such a great person, daddy, fiance and best friend I know in time I wont talk bout him as much just to the kids and I'll move on but that time is a long ways away from now.  ONly way I know how to grieve is read my posts on facebook from when he was alive about things we did and look at his pictures and talk to him in my head and outloud to his pictures when im alone.  And I will keep in mind what you said about forgiving them and their lives moving on but ours standing still.  You take care and I will be on here more

it's only 10:45am and it has been a horrible morning.  Been having a flashback for the last 30 minutes.  reliving and consumed with thoughts of Denise.  Crying alot and feeling angry at times.  Missing her so much.  It will be three years ago tomorrow that Denise first went to the Hospital and was told it may be cancer.  6 months later she left her body and went back to the Spiritual world to be with the Lord.  I miss you so much baby!   It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair. t's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair. t's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair. 

Mike i live that same shit day in and day out. I was doing somethng while on a ladder yesterday and was crying so much i had to quit and go in the house. If  you want, you can believe that bull shit about what i hear a lot. Qoute It gets better with time unqoute. I don't care what anyone says. It does not get better.All you do is put up a front and lie to people and say you are fine just get them to shut up.

Michael & Ron....Amen is all I can say.

I told my therapist that I don't feel better even after a year, I've just learned to deal with it better.  and he asked, "isn't that getting better?"  and i thought for a while and said, "no, it's just learning to deal, i'm still feeling the same."  

We are all pretty much in this same stinking boat. About all we can hope for is when we leave here God has a better place for us.