Hi all and for the value of words, Happy New Year. As I sit this evening and ponder the whirlwind of 2011, I find it all a blurr. Knowing today that this would be the beginning of losing my husband within 4 months, I dread this first year and I can not believe how fast it is upon me. On Feb 1 it will be one year since his diagnosis.

I still have the huge urge to talk about his path to death, and yet find it so difficult to bring myself to talk about it.

I find it funny now that time has passed how everyone still says if I need to talk to just call, but when I do, asked how I am doing, the conversation is brief and the subject is quickly changed. So now only after 8 short months of his passing, I find myself really alone and don't know how to cope with everyone else moving on and me being still broken hearted. The crash of the Holidays I fear will be hard for me. Just came home from 2 weeks vacation with my 1 year old grandson and daughter. Back to work tomorrow with lots of lonesome nights. Thanks much to all for allowing me to blog...Bless you and keep you all in peace. Barb

Barbara - I can also relate. My Mum had a heart attack on January 1st last year which lead to her diagnosis and she passed away straight after my birthday in April. The next few months I can tell will be difficult. Full of bad, painful memories and 1 year anniversaries of operations and treatments and bad news after bad news. I'm just waiting for the 1 year mark to be over as I somehow feel things might start to get a bit easier then. Here's hoping!

I hope your daily life isn't too painful and you also manage to get through these months. I'm here if ever you feel like you need to talk - sometimes you need a stranger to pour your heart out to.. Kelly.

Hello All, this is my first time writing. Tomorrow will mark 2 months since my dad lost his battle with small cell lung cancer. He was diagnosed September 25th and he deteriorated from there. The holidays have been hard, actually everyday is hard as in my mind I keep replaying the day he passed. Everyone tells me it will get better with time, I know 2 months is not long but it still hurts like it was yesterday. I want to just lay in bed forever, but I know my dad would not want that. Reading the experience of others has helped, and I know life must go on, but why is it so hard? Happy new year to everyone! May 2012 bring better times. 

Hi, my mom died from uterine/cervical cancer therapy. She was my best friend and I lived with her for the last 8 years. The doctors didn't think it was important that she be tested for cervical cancer at her age. I go through lots of angry and lonely spells - it happened Thanksgiving last year. I only want to talk to others who have had losses. I don't think the "others" really understand anything I am going through even though I know they mean well. The days are getting harder for me - i've read that it gets worse before getting better - hopefully in a couple of years some of us will feel better - it's just the time span  i've read about for grieving. the only reason i want to go on is because my dog depends on me - and my sister wants me here.  

Hi Sandra and Cari.  Im glad you found this supportive site where you can say anything or nothing and someone will understand.  Two months is such a short time.  I was just barely getting out of bed at the end of two months.  It has been 6 months since my husband died, and almost 2 years since my grown son died.  It did get worse for awhile because Im sure I was in shock for the first 2 months and then when the full reality that they were gone began to get absorbed it hurt so bad.  I can say now it isnt getting worse any longer thank heavens.  The holidays were hard, but more because I felt I had to keep it together so my grandkids would have a normal Nana around them, but Im glad they have gone home now and I dont have to make such an effort to pretend to be ok.  That is exhausting.

I HATE CANCER!!!!!!!!!!I SHOULDNT HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT MY DAD

Today I cleaned out Jim's side of the closet. There are still some things I will not part with but for the most it is dwindled. My neighbor across the street watched as I loaded it in the trunk of my car. I then worked out front weeding and taking out all of the dead flowers in the bed. When the neigbor noticed I was not out front, she called and invited me to dinner, knowing how hard I worked and what I had done with the clothes. She met me with a hug and her family and I enjoyed dinner. Lots of big changes in my house this year...I don't know how much longer I can stay here. It was just beginning to feel like home before Jim died and now I am a lost sheep. Still so many decisions to make and I do not have the confidence or energy to make them. I just seem to be living day by day with my mouth shut and my tears held so that no one notices I'm still so lonesome and devistated over the loss of my love.

Laura, yes, God bless my neighbors, they are the best. I have a pendent around my neck with Jim's ashes, and another chain with his wedding ring he had given me to wear while he was in the hospital. I offered it back after a procedure he had done but he said no, you keep it. These two things I think are what I have that is most important. I still have our other home to contend with. I started to bag up his socks up there during my christmas vacation and my daughter threw a fit and said mom, I still wear those! HA-even when Jim was alive she would steal his sock or shirts. I recall when she first took one of his shirts he was so mad. I explained to him that when her father and I were still married, she used to wear his stuff all the time when she was little. I told him that I think she felt comfortable and close to him and it was her way of "loving" him. From that day on he would only smile when he'd catch her in his shirt. God I miss him.

Dear Barbara and others -

It took me a while to clean out Don's things from the closet, too.  I kept several items - his flannel shirts, sweat shirts, ties, some socks... things like that which I wear, and my daughter's each took a shirt.  

I know what you mean Barbara by how people say if you need anything or need to talk, just call, but it is amazing how quickly that passes.  I, too, am blessed with good neighbors who had me over for Thanksgiving this past year.  

Our lives seem to stop when our loved one dies; all loss is hard and the feelings are very individual to the person, so I won't say "especially when the loss is... a spouse, parent, sibling, etc."  But people get back on with their lives.  I have a friend, whom I consider a good friend who keeps saying "we want to have you over for dinner soon...." but the invitation doesn't seem to come!  She and I meet for lunch or coffee from time to time, and I know she's busy, but it's hard and it gets very lonely.  Sometimes it's so lonely I just don't seem to be able to muster the energy to  out looking for company!  

However I adopted a dog last week.   She's about 4 years old, very sweet and  just what a I need - she love to cuddle.  

I'm also dealing with my dad being in failing health (he's 96) from congestive heart failure) and my mom (86) was just diagnosed with Alzheimer's. To make it worse, my sister in law decided to pick a fight with me, and my brother who was the one who helped the most during Don's illness and coping with his death is one who is married to her and now he won't talk to me. My sister in law had the nerve, yes, the nerve, to tell me that I'm not grieving the way I should be, in so many words.  I don't care who you are, you don't get to tell me how to grieve or not grieve until you are walking in my shoes and sitting in my seat.  I couldn't believe it.  My mom's diagnosis and my father's illness have opened up so many wounds around loss; losing Don a year ago in November, losing his father two weeks later, watching my own parents decline pretty fast, and now my brother not talking to me. It's been very hard.  But, I'm trying to deal with it, I have a wonderful therapist, and I've been able to get some new insights about myself.  My daughter is here visiting from NY this week and next - to see her grandparents while she still can, basically.  I really think my dad is ready to let go and pass on; he's refusing medication and is in early pulmonary edema.  My mom is exhausted from the stress, and also dealing with her diagnosis; feeling the loss of control as two of my brother's have taken over their financial affairs and really are just trying to make things as easy as possible for my mom, but she feels they are taking away her control, and my father, a retired medical doctor feels totally out of control because he's confined to a wheel chair and totally dependent on nurses to help him do absolutely everything.  It's so frustrating for him, and it's hard to see him like this.  He's so miserable, nothing will cheer him.  

I'm sorry - this may not be the right forum for this, but I feel like I know so many of you after posting on this wall for a year now!  

Thank you.

HI im new here...I lost my wife 3mos ago to breast cancer and my mom 2yrs ago to lung cancer..it was all happening at once...it has been the most horrible time of my life...I have never felt so much grief in my life...I cant function...I miss her sooo much sometimes its hard to breath!!

Cynthia you are right that noone, NOONE, has the right to tell you you are not grieving the right way!!  How could your brother let that come between you and he?  I have decided it just plain sucks to grow up and older because it means our loved ones get older as well.  I wish with every breath that I could go back in time instead of forward but that is not an option except in my dreams.  I send you hugs as you face what lies ahead for you and your family.  Hopefully things settle down and you can enjoy the time you do have with your mom and dad and brothers. 

Thanks all for your comments. I find it amazing how when someone dies, all of the sudden flocks of people, particularly family show up. I lost my father to scirosis of the liver in 1999, poor man died with a lot of money in the bank which his wife of 6 month sucked every dime (this money was from his wife's life insurance account who had died almost a year before my dad), moved all his valuables to her son's house while he was still alive, and never once said she was sorry. My own brothers could not call me often enough, but to ask if the check had arrived, not how ya doin sis? The money that was left to us was a mere 4 thousand per child, I even had a step bother who was to inherit. Sadly I found out he died about 5 years ago with no phone call from anyone. Anyhow. I found that when Jim was so sick, his sister came out to be with him and brought her good for nothing son. The first thing out of their mouth's was what was I going to do with Jim's guns? They kept hammering me for the combo to the safe. Thank God Jim's other nephew was here (he lives with me) to have them back off by saying we didn't have the combo. Now I've never met Jim's father, he died way back in 1981, but as sure as I sit here, and after the bullcrap that came up today... they will not see one of his father's guns. I'll hawk them first. Bunch of ungrateful people that are so selfish in the moment, that they have no consideration for those of us left to deal with the fallout of such a mess as death. And yes, those In-laws are the worst. Amazing how they know it all and have planned it as though they sat in wait planning and plotting their next move.

 Oh Lord am I in a mood tonight! Cynthia, I don't know if it is right or wrong, but that is why I keep to myself as hard as it is, I think it's best to just go through the motions so people won't feel so inclined to tell me what and where I should be.

Much love and lots of huggs.... Barb

Dear Anna and Barb -

What you said - amen!  And thank you.  I honestly don't know how long my dad will hang in there. Maybe it's just a feeling I have; maybe I'm completely off, but it just feels like he's ready to go, and he's refusing his medication because its the only thing he can still control.

Take care. And Thank You.

Donna, am so sorry! that must be so, so hard. Three months is a very short time. I pray that the Lord of all comfort be with you. Its a long, hard road but we are here for me. You can write me anytime.

God Bless.

it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair.

it's not fair to my baby,

No Michael it is not fair.  It is horrible.  It is unjust.  It makes no sense what-so-ever.  Cancer is anything but fair.  It snuck up on my husband too and in 2 short months he went from strong as an ox, working 14 hour days to just gone.  It has been 6 months since he left us and every day, a million times a day I scream similiar things into the quiet of my empty house.  IT'S NOT FAIR.  WHY?  HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO HIM, TO US?  There is never an aswer.  Michael Im so sorry you are hurting for the same reasons as I am.  It is a hard thing..  Hugs

hi my name is joni and my husband died the day after christmas a month ago...it was stage 4 lung cancer and happend sooo quick im still in shock...he was healthy..went to the doctor regularly (every 3mos.) and actually had a special cancer test done once a year to looks for certain cancers...from the time he was diagnosed, oct 22 to his death on dec 26...i just cant beleive it...he was my life ...everything i did was for him , we were consumed with each other...am soooo lost, really dont know what to do without him....and on top of the grief and everything else.... his adult children and ex wife are threating me , wanting to take everything we've worked for together...breaks my heart because he would be appalled at the behavior....well enough from me for now...thanks for letting me vent.... hugs and blessings to all

Oh. Joni.  I'm so sorry.  It was way too fast; you should have grow old together.  We - all of us here - should have grown old together.  And I think no matter how fast or how slowly this vile disease takes someone is too fast.  

And Michael, no it isn't fair.  It just plain sucks. SUCKS, SICKS, SUCKS.  

Joni, my sincere condolences to you. I’ve not lost a spouse but I can imagine how hard it is for you. The shock is normal and there are many stages you’ll go through. I’ve lost three siblings and both parents even though I’m not forty yet. I’ve been through grief but every time; it feels like am doing it for the first time. Your husband did everything he could have done and don’t ever feel like you failed him. I go through the what ifs with every death in my family. The one positive thing that came out of you sharing with us is that even if our loved ones had had tests done or taken preventive measures, life and death is out of our hands. This place is a safe place with caring people who understand every emotion you’re experiencing. Words fail me when I try to comfort someone on this board; there are really n words that I can think of except to tell you I’m so very sorry for your loss.

Mercy

Mercy , I think what you said is so true, and so well said.

Joni, I am so sorry for the pain you are in now.  I am here for the very same reason as you.  My husband was diagnosed on April 21 at 11pm with cancer.  By May we knew it was stage 4 melanoma, and he was gone at 5am on July 1st.  It was like riding a runaway train, no way for anyones brain to get used to one thing before something else knocked the wind out.  Again I am so incredibly sorry.  You have found a wonderful place to share, vent, cry, scream, sit quietly, or anything else that comes up and someone will be here to listen, to understand.  Hugs

Thank you Cynthia. I’ve had a very challenging situation the last four days and I didn’t even think I could come to this site and be coherent. It’s good that you took note of my words. You are so very kind and I think of you very highly and appreciate that you are always there.

Mercy.

Mercy, Im sorry you have had an extra hard few days.  Hope it is getting sorted out and you are feeling more centered today.  Hugs because we all need a hug from time to time.

Hello Friends...here we are again talking about that murderer cancer. I am reading all of the posts - old friends and new ones. Our hearts remain so broken. Yesterday I was at the beach and saw a woman sitting in a car watching the sunset and she looked just like my mom. It startled me and then I was so overcome with saddness, missing her so much. She was sitting in the car with an elderly man - her husband..maybe father. I thought...God help them get through what we all have to get through. Their day is coming when they will be saying goodbye. Mercy...you are strong. You have given me some of the best advice of my life. Nuture the seed God has given to you. You know what I am talking about. You have a gift. Please start looking for answers as to why you are still here. I have been guided by God. There is no death. Remove it from your vocabulary. You have to find answers on your own. Open yourselves up to the possibilities. Every day...my world is so empty with my mom. BUT I am greatful she is in such a magical, beautiful, loving and God filled place. Our loved ones are the lucky ones.

Love Sue

Thank you Sue, Anna and Cynthia for the kind words.  I have been very down but reading your replies have made me feel better.  and to Joni,  know exactly how you feel, I went through a very similar situation, as all of us have.  My sincere Condolences.

I haven't been on here in months, Daddy passed in August, and my birthday and Christmas were very hard on me. My Dad was always the first to call and wish me happy birthday, and it was truly awful to sit there and stare at my phone knowing he wouldn't be calling. The kids had a good Christmas, and I have been putting on my brave face these few months that have gone by. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to talk to her about depression. I don't want to get out of bed, or play with the kids, I have trouble sleeping, and the headaches are excruciating. I try so hard to be happy and to try to get over this slump in my emotions, but it's not going away. It's comforting but sad to see all of you going through this as well, comforting because I don't feel alone, but I know the sadness you all have inside. I promise to try to be more involved here, it was too hard for me to do so until now. I like helping others to understand and overcome some of their grief and pain. If any of you just need an ear, friend request me if you like. Praying for all of your hearts to heal, you are not alone. -Stacy

It is a very sad day here. I got a call from my best friend at 7 am and as soon as the phone rang I knew. Her husband woke up feeling dizzy and scared, clamy etc. He had lost 60 lbs since Christmas and been in and out of the hospital 5 times with severe stomach pains. They did many scans and other tests and sent him home saying that there was nothing wrong with him. Well I guess they were wrong. He died on the floor of their living room. I have spent my day with her so distraught. The doctors want to call it a heart attack but I spoke to the medical examiner and said no we want an autopsy. He was scheduled for a doppler and endescopy today and never got there. They have ordered an autopsy at her expense but they will not put down heart attack unless someone does what should have been done and really look for a cause. 60 lbs in less than a month, I would bet stomach or pancreatic cancer. If she doesn;t find out she will always wonder what really happened. Another 60 year old widow. I can't believe we lost our husbands a year apart. Been friends for 50 years. At least we will have each other to console each other. To be continued....

Dear Jeanne -

I am so sorry for your friend.  What a terrible outcome for her and her poor husband.  My husband had been in the hospital in November, 2009; they had done scopes and scans and they didn't find his rectal cancer until the next January, and then it by "accident;" his doctor did a scope and some tissue just happened to come out with the scope, so he sent it to pathology and it was, sure enough, cancer.  Your friends doctors maybe looking at malpractice if it turns out he did have cancer; but then, ask any other doctor, and they will say "sometimes it's hard to find..."  Bah.  I don't believe it that's hard to miss, especially with the symptoms you described!  Okay, so that's my venting for the day.  I'm so sorry for your friend and for your loss, too, and glad you at least have each other.  

hello everyone, thought i would say hi and see how everyone is....i havent added to this group in a long time.....still miss my mom, try and not think about it, i have had my own health problems, some are clearing up which is good.....love to you all and hope you are getting by

im so sorry to hear about the man dying....it scares me because i was told thing shavent been found yet had bad symptoms, its scary when you dont know if the ER or hospital knows what they are doing.....good luck....and so sorry

Christmas wasnt too bad, i dread it because of my mom's passing, but, i didnt think about it, that day sucked though, didnt celebrate....i just turned 42, didnt celebrate that either....so its been uneventful, hopefully this year will be a good one, trying to stay positive....everyone hang in there please.....sorry i haven't been on this page

thank you all for your kind words and support...went to a grief support group this am...but somedays nothing seems to help...just hanging on and beleiving God for strength...hugs and blessings to all

Thanks so much Anna. The issue was resolved yesterday evening, we had been in prayer about and I thank God that He came through for us.

Mercy.

Thanks very much Sue. You are also a great inspiration to me. Amid all your sadness, you still find a way to comfort us. God Bless.

Mercy.

They told us Denise's cancer was gastroentitis.  boy were they wrong.  It was stage 4 colon cancer.  And it took them over a month of tests to figure it out.  Another doctor told us that her original doctor should be sued for the mistake.  Denise's family was looking into a lawsuit, but i don't think it went anywhere.  Cancer sucks, but God is good.

I miss you Baby

Hi guys,

Thought I was coping a bit better last night. But woke up at 5am sat up in bed, screaming my head off (I know, I sound crazy right?) When I woke up I was completely shaking and sweaty, petrified. I can't remember if I was having nightmares, but I was (as usual) remembering awful moments in my Mum's last few months. I try and switch it off before I sleep but can't seem to clear my mind. I think the screaming was my body's way of telling me I can't cope any more :/

I have heard everyone is different in thier grieving.That may be true but my hurt never stops. I have yet to have an easy day. I started to do taxes yesterday and every time the question comes up is this Rons, Jeans, or joint i start to cry. We always sat at the desk and did them together. Now it is all i can do just to set here. and look at all the paper work i have to do.  It is hard to do anything with a broken heart. 

Hi, Ron.  I don't know when your loss occurred, but yes, what you are experiencing is so completely normal. And it really doesn't matter "when" you lost your love; I have found the littlest thing would trigger me - in the shower, in the car, walking around the house... the supermarket - anywhere, anytime.  It's just all part of the process.  I know that sounds like a placating remark, but it's true.  I've always thought of grief as a process - but now I think it is an entity all unto itself; and it just does what it wants to do whenever it wants to do it.  This might be a year to have someone else do your taxes.  Don always did ours; he was a CPA. Now I have to hire someone to do them because I don't even know where to begin, even though I'm sure mine alone are so simple I could easily do them myself if I could just get my stuff together; and it's been over a year since he died.  My dad died a few weeks ago; my mom is 86 and has early Alzheimer's, but for her, too, one never knows when she'll be triggered and cry, and then she apologizes for crying! I've lost 5 people I love in the past year - including beginning to lose my mom to this terrible disease, Alzheimer's, because it's like losing her while she's still here.  Anyway, my sympathies.  Just do what you can and don't worry about the rest right now.  It really does ease with time.  I can't say it get's better, and I can't speak for anyone but myself, but one night around the year anniversary of Don's death, I heard him say "I'm gone, and you can't change that, it doesn't do any good to worry about something you can't change."  And I swear, I felt something dark lift off of me.  I still miss him terribly, and I still cannot see myself with anyone else, ever, but knowing he would have said that somehow helped me.  We all have our own "process", in our own time.  Take all the time you need, and know that all of us are here for you.  And yes, it is hard to do anything with a broken heart, so give yourself a break and be easy on yourself.

HI, K.T.  I think waking up screaming may mean that you are so angry that you have to let it out; but I'm just supposing.  Maybe you need to scream while you're awake?  I did a lot of screaming when Don died, and for months after.  I screamed at him in the shower, in the car - anywhere I knew no one would hear me.  I still call out in my sleep and wake myself up sometimes, crying out.  I still keep his little cap he wore at night - his head got cold - on his pillow.  It's been over a year, I'm doing better, I'm not having meltdowns (Well, I am, but about other things - I'm just much more sensitive and emotional now) about losing him, but he's still with me and I talk about him just as much as I did before he died.  I can't explain it.  But I do think that the things we dream about or act out in our sleep are things we need to process somehow, somewhere on some level.  So go ahead and scream!  You are not crazy, or nuts, or any of that.  You are a normal, grieving person.  I am sending you hugs to hold you when you need to scream. 

Go ahead and scream and cry. It releases endorphines that are healing. I don't scream and cry anymore I wake up with a gigantic stabbing in my heart and cry! I miss my mother so much. It seems forever since I held her little hand. It never gets easier we just learn to adjust to what has to be. I promise you we are the ones that now suffer...they are in a much more beautiful and peaceful place surrounded by only love. I am happy for them. No more putting up with the bull crap of every day earth.

Thanks for the support guys - I know what you mean about how screaming can release pent up feelings and how it's good to let it out. Last night however it did not feel good, I've been a mess all day (even crying at work!) I feel somewhat better now - partly to your kind and understanding comments :) but Cynthia I totally know what you mean about grief being an "entity all unto itself; and it just does what it wants to do whenever it wants to do it." So for now I feel a bit better, but I will be waiting in suspense for the next attack!

Love to you all - I'm grateful for all your support in my darkest hours.

I think it is normal as well.  My son Silas was only 29 when he lost his life after a courageous kick ass battle with lung cancer. Some people were insensitive to ask whether he smoked even though his lungs were only 29 years old.  Two different oncologists made it clear that smoking was not the cause of my son's cancer. But even if it was, does that make him a less worthy person? Of course not. People are strange.  I am an advocate for passing medical marijuana laws in MA and have had articles in the newspaper at various times.  One time there was this older guy who wouldn't talk on the phone, just wanted to talk in person. Okay, I thought, I will meet this guy. So I did, and he was in his 70's, had lung cancer and lived over 5 years with it, highly unusual for late stage lung cancer.  He didn't want to talk about medical marijuana, rather, he wanted to talk about assisted suicide and how he didn't want to end up a "heap of flesh" in a nursing home with 18 year olds taking care of him.  So I couldn't help myself, I felt like Sy was channeling through me as I said, "well, the 18 year olds don't sound too bad..."  I was furious that this man who didn't enjoy life one little bit and whined about his life was here and my son who fought tooth and nail for every minute to be here died.  It still makes me mad to think about it.  I also wish I could have taken my son's place and gone for him; I have lived my life fully, and he was just getting started...

I know what you mean about smoking Lorraine. My Mum smoked cigarettes and she was always told off about it, not be myself as I knew it was her method of coping with stress but by everyone else. When she did get cancer, it was everywhere but her lungs.. go figure! ... Her lungs were completely clear.

It was people's attitude towards her that made me angry when I said she had cancer/died from cancer.. "ahh well she did smoke" or "that's for smoking", as if she somehow deserved the horrible way in which she died for a habit a whole lot of people have! When I pointed out that actually her lungs were not where the problem started people would look at me unbelieving.... People are so insensitive!

yes, reality is that if you have lungs you can get lung cancer. It is the number one adult cancer killer and one of the most underfunded of cancers for research and other funding, even though studies have proven that early detection through low dose cat scans give a 75% chance of survival as opposed to around 15%... so sad. any time we lose someone to cancer it is sad, and to have people treat others as if they deserve their disease is tragic.  My son suffered the guilt of his smoking addiction as well as the pain of being diagnosed with late stage cancer at such a young age. I am sorry for your loss, K.T., this disease is brutal.

When my wife was told that she had bladder cancer we asked what caused it .The doctor looked at us and said  without hesitation.SMOKING My wife quit smoking about ten years ago. She died Dec 16th after fighting it for a little over a year.It is hard to go through. watching your wife die and their is nothing that you can do to stop it.You feel so helpless. All you do is hold each other every day go tothe chemo treatment .Watch her lose  her hair and see the pain in her eyes while she tries to hide it from you.Cry when you hope she can't see you. and cry harder when she catches you crying.Oh my God i miss my love.