Clay I am really sorry you are in this pain too.  My one love died with the dreaded C July 1st.  I too have a  house full of stuff, but not my Tom and it is so incredibly empty.  I found after the first couple of times I posted that it got easier because I knew there would be people here who understood what I was saying even if the words were hard to say or hear.  Can I send you a hug?  If so, here is a hug of understanding and caring.

Welcome Clay & Eleanor,

It's true I joined in November It's gotten easier to share my feelings. Just remember we all know what your going through so don't feel like you need to hold back. I lost my mother April 7th 2011 I waited 7 months to look for help. I'm thankful I found this site and everyone on it. I encourage people to join. It's the best thing I have ever done for myself. Also I love to help other people. We are all here for you both. Big hugs!

Melissa

Clay,

It feels wrong to say welcome to a place like this because we all wish that no one would ever have to join again.  Just know that we all are her for the same reason.  I lost my husband on Dec. 3, 2010.  I do understand just how you are feeling.  Nothing is ever the same again.  I am glad you found this site, as it has helped me a lot over the past year.

Hugs, Laura

Thank you all for the welcome, I am so glad to find this web site and be able to talk to some one who knows where I am at. I do not care about anything right now, I live 650 miles from my family and I am going there on the 23 through the 2. I do not feel like going no where, but on the couch in a ball and forget about it all, where I have been for the last 2 weeks until now. Thank you all

Clay after my husbands services I sent my kids home.  They had been staying with us for weeks before but when it was over I just wanted my house back.  Wanted to be alone.  Wanted to crawl into my bed and never come out.  And I did.  For almost 2 months that is what I did.  And honestly that is exactly what I needed to do.  I was exhausted from everything.  I was emotionally exhausted from trying to not be a complete mess in front of my little grandkids and from trying to be strong for my kids who where falling apart too.  In September I started coming out more, talking more and reaching out to people here.  I know you dont want to deal with all that Christmas is, but you will.  I hope when you are there you find some peace, make some new memories, and come home glad you went.  Special thoughts from me as we face this time with a heavy heart.

Clay, you have my deepest condolences. This time of the year is especially hard for all of us that has lost a loved one because of the memories we have of this season. All i can say is take it day by day and let your heart guide you. It is now nearly 2 years since my dearest Margi passed away of pancreatic cancer on the 19th of April 2010 and i have regular flashbacks of times together. Anniversaries,birthdays and ,Christmas is allways the worst time but the pain softens eventually and its only the image of her not suffering or being in pain that eases the self anguish. We are all here together and this is how we help each other.

for me..I didn't want to get away from the pain, it meant accepting what was. My brother died on March 30th 2010 after a 3 month battle with brain cancer. I still deal with anger issues. I am so angry that this was his fate..he was a good man, loved his family,wife and kid. It does, in spite of everything, get better. Sending you all love, this is truly a awful thing we have to deal with.

Welcome Clay and Eleanor...I lost my mother June 26, 2011 to that bastard cancer.

Please accept my friendship and support. You are at the right place - this site! I would not have made it without my friends here. Sue

Dear Jan,

It's been over two years for me and I still have flashbacks as well.  I'm still in therapy and I'm slowly getting better.

Flashbacks can be triggered by almost anything, but the holidays are extremely difficult because Denise LOVED Christmas and we spent just one Christmas together.

Mike

I want to say thank you for the support that all of you are giving me. I can not belive on Sunday Lynn has been gone for six weeks, it is like time has stopped in my world. I just counted the days until Christmas 4, unbelivalbe. What is relly crazy is it took me over an hour to write this, I keep stairrng at the screen. thank you again for the help, hopefully I can do the same for some one else.

Hello.  I haven't responded to each individual posting; it seems during the holidays it get's harder for all of us, and that's to be expiated.  I do want to say, Laura -

YOu are indeed fortunate that you husband's doctor is a friend.  I, too, talked to Don's doctor after he died because I had questions.  He doctor was not a personal friend, but he is a wonderful person, and he took the time to talk with me and answer my questions to the best of his ability and his kind and caring heart was on his sleeve.  I never felt that Don didn't get the best care possible during his treatment; all of his doctors were caring and giving people.  They were all very concerned and made time for us even when they didn't have it.  The only doctor I had a problem with was, of all people, the hospice doctor, but that was only a few days.  And you are right, Laura, that a true friend will listen and not try to change the subject - we need to talk and we need to voice our hurt and our loss.  Yesterday my sister in law actually tried - in an email - to tell me I am using my grieving as an "excuse"; whenever I try to explain why I am having trouble with something, according to her, my "excuse" is that I'm still grieving, and if I haven't gotten "past it by now", I'm not "doing it right."  How dare she!  I was so angry; how could I not respond to that? well, I'm sure I'm not the only person on here who's had someone tell try to tell me how to grieve and what I'm "supposed" to do.  So I just write those people off, and hope that they never have to go through what I've gone through.  Grief does what it does when it wants to do it. I don't know how else to say it.  It's a process; we don't have control over it.  And I do think the best way to deal with it, at least speaking just for myself, is to let it come and let the tears come and just feel it.  We all do what we have to do when we have to do it.

I'm dealing with aging parents right now.  My mom was just diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and we knew it before the diagnosis that something was wrong, but now my dad has dementia is having delusions - mostly paranoia.  He is also dealing with having caregivers in the home for the first time (he scared them all away - he's very feisty!) and for the first time, my mother is not jumping up and taking care of him whenever he has a demand; she is letting the caregivers to it, which is hard for her, but she has to learn to let them take over where he's concerned.  

So I understand about being up in the middle of the night not being able to turn the thoughts off.  When that happens, sometimes the best thing to do is just get out of bed and write them down - sort of "get it out" and let the thoughts rest until morning.  I don't know, but I hope that helps.  

Anyway, I am thinking of everyone on this list this time of year, as always, and holding all of you in my heart and sending thoughts for a better 2012.  It has to get better; if it gets worse, well, I just don't know what I'd do.  I have to have hope that my life will improve, and I will find a purpose for going on.  

So sad to see so many new people having to join this group. As I read the stories of new losses it brings me back to when it was all so new and painful.Yesterday, Dec. 22nd was a year that I lost Harry to brain cancer. I didn't know how I would get through the day. I moved to a new home on the 21st and spent my day unpacking boxes. I think there was a plan in there somewhere. I didn't dwell on it like I thought I would. It was sad of course, but everyday is sad. It gets easier but the sudden moments of hurt can be overwhelming. It is still so unreal. Christmas is never going to be the same, but it will be. Tomorrow I will get my tree up somehow and will go through the motions. Talking to him everyday helps and having his picture on my phone when I turn it on and see him smiling at me helps. My friends loved Harry and I have not experienced anyone telling me that I need to get over the grieving. No doubt I would punch them in the face if they did. Would not be the first time for me. We all have to get through this somehow and whatever it takes is what you need to do.

That said to all my grieving friends out there, Happy Holidays and pray for a better New Year.

i cant belive today marked 4mnths its been since i lost my dad:(today at 5:25pm he went to be with god and it is soo hard to accept the fact that he isnt coming home or wont walk thru the door with open arms:(i miss you daddy

Laura -

If you want to lie in bed all day, than that's what you should do!  Your daughter will understand if the Christmas gifts are late - tell her to tell her children and Grandma couldn't come today, but there will be more presents after Christmas, and that you love them very much. Don't worry about them; they will survive you not being there.  One could also say that the joy on their little faces when they see you will make up for the sadness - but my personal belief is that it won't.  Sorry to be negative.  I"m trying to be encouraging!  I'm encouraging you to do what you need to do, and if it's staying in bed and crying, do it.  You won't be the first or the last of us who have.  This is a time to take care of yourself in whatever way you need to, and if it's laying in bed all day, or crying or laughing or sleeping or whatever... do it.  This is probably the worst time of year for most of us, except for the anniversary of the death.  And it doesn't just last one year (and I didn't say that to be discouraging, just to be realistic.)  No one, including me, can tell you how you should or should not grieve.  I've come to believe that grief is an entity all unto itself; it just does what it wants to do when it wants to do it, and it can sneak up on us at the most inopportune time.  

I am a Marriage and Family Therapist; Don died Nov. 12, 2010 - just over a year ago, but I haven't gone back to work.  I'm just not ready to deal with other people's problems.  And all I need is one grieving widow or widower and I'll just go over the edge.  As it is, my mom has early stage Alzheimer's - so I haven't lost her altogether yet, and my dad has just been put on hospice care - it started with an infection in his foot and spread up his leg, and his lungs are beginning to get congested (he's in congestive heart failure) because he won't take his Lasix because to go to the bathroom means getting into a wheel chair with help, help in the bathroom, and help getting back - and then he's exhausted and in pain.  So it's been triggering my grief about losing Don, and my Dad and I have never really gotten along but i still love him and it's hard to watch him suffer like this.  I'm sorry - I didn't mean to go off on a tangent about my own issues.

Do whatever you need to do for yourself, and know that it is okay.  No one has the right to judge anyone else, no matter what.  Maybe my brother said it best - we don't really know what is in someone else's heart. And no one knows what is in our heart. People's actions may say one thing, but we have to trust that most people have a good heart, and good intentions.  And I have one friend who has the very best intentions, but I finally had to just tell her that she was nagging me to do things that I was ready or able to do.  I told her I knew she meant well, and I thanked her for caring, but please give me the space to do what I need to do until I'm ready to take on more.  I think she understood; a true friend won't take it personally.  

Okay, I've gone on and on - now I"ll stop.  I know you will be okay, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.  I hope that tomorrow is a better day, or maybe the next, or the next - there will be a better day; we just can't say when.  Hang in there.

I'm so sad, my first Christmas without mom. My 2 year old daughter doesn't even want to be around me cause of my sadness. It means the world to me to have a place I can come to and have my feelings validated, I don't feel like most people understand, and it drives me crazy that people expect me to be ok, I'm so tired of acting like am ok cause am not. I hope you all are having a better day than me, merry Christmas to you all and thanks for always being there.

Mercy,

Big Hugs to you! I have to say I know exactly how you feel. it's hard to act ok all the time. Cause I'm not ok all the time. It's ok if were not. your doing the best you can. I allow myself to be sad all day at least once a week I don't care who's around lol if they don't like it. Oh well. I hope you have the best Christmas you can in light of the situation. I'm trying to be happy for my kids. we are all sick. So it sucks. anyways take care,

Melissa

Mercy -

You have been trying for a while to be 'okay" for your daughter.  It's normal she doesn't want to be around you- she's just scared and confused.  Have you just told her that "Mommy misses Grandma, too, and mommy is sad.  it's okay for all of us to be sad sometimes and it's okay for us to cry, too." and maybe tell her something about Grandma looking down on her from Heaven - according to your beliefs.  I know it's hard and I'm so sorry.  But you don't have to act ok all the time; it's NOT okay - it sucks.  You are grieving.  You are sad and unhappy and you miss your mom.  The first Christmas is hard, and I wish I could tell you the next one will be better, but no promises.  It might be; it might not be.  But don't go there now.  It's a ways off.  Who knows what tomorrow holds?  Take good care of yourself.  I'm sending you big hugs.

My daughter and her husband are coming for dinner with my grandsons.  I'm not wild about my son in law, but honestly, I just didn't want to be alone on Christmas, so I invited them for dinner.  At least I'll get to see my grandsons.  

Melissa and Cynthia, thanks for your support. Its one in the morning and am not in the least ready to go to bed. The last three days have been hard cause my sister in law was here, its the first time I'm meeting her. I've had a rough week since I hadn't slept at all since Tuesday night. Yesterday I was so exhausted and spent most of the day in bed. She took this very badly and even though I explained to her the situation, she still didn't seem to have any empathy. She's one of those people who think I should just get over it. I'll never get over it, am sorry!!! I have so many mixed emotions right now and the pain in my chest just isn't going away. Cynthia, my baby is 25 months old, she's a sweet little girl and very caring. She understands in her own way that am not ok, it hurts so bad when I waste an entire evening being upset insead of playing with her or reading to her. I wish you all a merry christmas and thanks very much for all your support.

Laura -

You are not alone.  I know how it feels; it's terrible.  More than that, it totally sucks and there not a damn (sorry) thing we can do.  This is my second Christmas; last Christmas my daughter and her now-husband came and we all agreed we didn't feel like having Christmas, so we didn't.  But one day I went into take a nap and they had hung lights and small ornaments around the fireplace and I have to admit it was kind of nice - it gave the room some warmth. this year I am lighting the Menorah, not because I'm Jewish  (he wasn't; I am), but because even tho he wasn't a Jew he really just enjoyed the candles.  So I''m doing it in a way to honor his memory.  

As I've said, it's okay to stay in bed and cry as many tears as you have to.  It may not make you feel better now, but it does release some of the feelings, and it helps later on in the process if you let yourself have your feelings now, and don't stuff them or deny them.  

Today will pass, and in another week, we'll be back to just "normal" (whatever that is) life.  No holiday celebrations, but there will be reminders every day.  There are for me.  I've decided to take them as a sign that Don is letting me know he's with me, and he's watching over me and he's waiting for me, as long as it takes for me to get to him, he'll be waiting for me.  This I truly believe.  I didn't used to, but now I do.  Big hugs.  

It was 2 yrs ago today that my families nightmare began...ended in 3 months. How does this happen, how can everything be fine one day and just go so wrong. If there is a god I still believe he made a terrible mistake taking my brother, leaving his family aching for him. I still cry and I still remain so angry. If I could tell Cancer something, than I would wish it a horrible year. Hope you don't get to kill anyone in 2012.

Dear Barbara,

i am so sorry you still ache.  I still ache too.  I still cry.  and i try to understand why a loving and merciful God would take our loved ones from us.  it is very painful.  All i can really say is that we all belong to God.  everyone of us is His.  and when he wants one of us to go be with Him, it is very painful for the rest of us.  But he can take us whenever He wants to.  Denise somehow understood this better than me.  She made peace with the Lord and asked Him to forgive her.  She was an amazing person.

remember that God loves us all.  and i love you too

Mike

I lost my mom and brother to cancer a fews years ago and then this past Aug I lost my beloved sone to brain cancer.....he suffered for three years and put up such a fight but in the end the cancer won.....I am so proud of him but miss him dearly and want him back,,,,some days I can't even get out of bed...I know he would be dissapointed in me because he was so strong and would get mad if he caught me crying....now crying takes up most of my day...

Dear Mary Elizabeth -

You have certainly had more than your share of loss.  I think your son would not be disappointed in you; I think he would understand and feel for you.  Cancer is a terrible, ugly disease that takes advantage of a weak spot in the body and grows from there.  I think - and this is just my belief - that your son is with his grandmother and his uncle, and they are all watching over you.  He is not alone. When someone dies, it is the living who are left behind to grieve and we do suffer.  There is no way around it.  

I read a wonderful book called "Crowded Rooms" about accounts given by caregivers when they witnessed someone's last days or moments as they died.  It was very good - they talked about a lot of the things I witnessed when Don died - seeing something no one else could see, reaching up towards something or someone only he could see.  I believe his mom was waiting for him and came to help him make the transition to another plane of reality.  I'm so sorry about your losses; but especially your son.  I cannot imagine the depth of pain of losing a child.  Good luck; hang in there. 

it breaks my heart hearing all these stories knowing someone precious lost their life to such a tragic disease:(cancer is horrible watching my dad literally die in front of me was enough to scar me for life..i was with him everyday till his last and somehow i still feel i could of done more..maybe i didnt try enough meds,or maybe we didnt prop his head right when he slept,maybe we didnt find all the answers out in time:(in a way i feel i am responsible because my dad didnt wanna die from this he wanted to beat it and i didnt do enough

Sara, I completely understand how you are feeling. This is my 2nd Christmas without my mom. She lost her battle with ovarian cancer on 8-31-2010 at the age of 75. My dad passed away on 7-4-92 from a rare disease at 59. Cancer is a horrible disease. I watched my mom fight it for 3 yrs with everything she had in her. She did not want to die either. She thought she could fight it but it was so much stronger than her will to live. I keep thinking we didn't do enough for her either. She had a 3 teams of doctors: the oncologist, pulmonary specialist, and an internal specialist. Juggling between them was a full time job. Luckily one of my sisters was good about keeping up with it all. She learned how to give mom the shots she needed, we had a chart to keep up with all the meds, and between all my siblings, we took care of her the way she cared for us. Mom always felt guilty and burdensome about all we were having to do for her. That was never a problem for us. We had to keep reassuring her that was the least of our worries, we wanted her to be as comfortable as possible. The last few days of her life, one of my sisters and I, separately and without knowing, had a conversation with mom. I asked her if she was afraid. She said yes but of leaving her children. Granted all her children are over 40 and she was still worried about us. I reassured her we would be fine. She and dad did an awesome job raising 8 kids. I thanked her for all the sacrifices they made for us and then I told her it was okay if she wanted to let go. I told her we would be okay. It was harder to keep seeing her suffer, asking for morphine constantly. It's been 16 months since she's been gone and not a day goes by that I don't think about her or dad. I felt guilty about telling her it was okay to let go but one of my dear friends told me that was probably what she needed to hear. I had no idea my sister did the same thing. She needed reassurance to finally rest her weary and tired body. She died in her sleep. I was with her for most of the night and at some point she told me to go to bed because I needed to sleep to go to work later that morning. A few hours later she was gone. I miss her so much. I feel so alone, abandoned, and orphaned which seems silly at my age. She loved Christmas and New Years. Christmas was hard enough. Hoping New Years comes and goes quickly.

Sara, I'm sorry for your loss. I shared my story in hopes of letting you know that we all do whatever we can for our loved ones, yet it never seems like enough. We will never know why our loved ones had to get cancer but what we do know is that we loved them and cherished them while they were here on earth. I have to keep my faith and believe that there is a heaven and mom has reached her eternal glory along with dad. I'm sure your dad is looking down from above, stronger than ever. Praying for you. Rest assured you did what you could and your dad appreciates how well you cared for him. He will always be with you, in your heart and in your memories. You are his living legacy. Make him proud and live your life. I'm trying to do just that even though some days are harder than others but eventually it will be better. 

Wishing you a blessed New Year's. Take care.

CANCER SUCKS

thank u cristina yes cancer is horrible and takes the lifes of innocent people who deserve to live..my dad had sclc he got it from vietnam asian orange was the cause..he fought for a yr nd a half and he fought hard he was the strongest man i ever knew and to see him weak and dieing and losing weight throwing up not eating sleeping alot i mean it was a rolelr coaster i didnt knw id ride for almost 2yrs..i miss him so much and wish everyday i cud of done more it kills me knowing i couldnt help him

Sara I can totally relate. I feel like there was something more I could have done for my mom. We had three treatment options and the one I chose may have been worse than the other two. I’ll always beat myself up for this. I was also not well informed about the cancer cause I was too scared to read up on it for fear of what I would find out. I was afraid that I that if I read too much; I would find out things that I couldn’t handle, like the life expectancy, the different stages and the pain and discomfort she was going to experience. I regret why I didn’t find out as much as I could. Not knowing what if anything we could have done to help her more eats me up inside every minute of the day. My siblings have accepted her death and are moving on well but I just can’t seem to move past the what ifs? I have acid reflux, which my mom had too and which eventually caused esophageal cancer and I’m too scared to go get checked even though I’ve been having bad symptoms lately. I feel that if my mom didn’t get the treatment she deserved and she suffered so badly, I should suffer ten times more than she did. I hate cancer, we are all suffering so much because of this evil disease. You all are in my thoughts and every one of your posts breaks my heart. I've been crying for the last fifteen minutes just reading the latest posts

Mercy, I don't understand how you can say you have symtoms of the same cancer you lost your mother from yet you won't get yourself checked out. You have been given a heads up to the possibility of a terrible disease that you can do something about. It may very well be nothing but if you do nothing you could have so much more  problems down the road. Do you think that your mother would want you to ignore the signs because you have some misguided guilt that you didn't do right by her? You must have loved ones that would feel as bad as you do about your mother as they would about you. Do you want one more person to go through that pain we all know when you don't have too? Please honor your mother's life but getting checked and fighting back if you have to. You have the opportunity to make her death make sense in some way if you can avoid what she did. Please get checked out and stop feeling responsible for what happened. Cancer is a terrible thing and you had no control over what happened. You love you mother and she will be looking down on you and praying that you do the right thing for you. Please think about it.

Hi Jeanne; I thank you for your response and also your encouragement. Lately I’ve been feeling so depressed that I’m saying some very irresponsible. The holiday season brought up some painful issues that were very hard to confront. I’ll see a gastroenterologist soon since I’ve developed some serious stomach issues. I know mom would be so upset if I take my health for granted. I also have a two year old who I have to live for. I’ll make everything I do for my health about her. I hope we all have some brighter days ahead.

Evelyn; I’m so sorry about the loss of your brother and pray that God will give you comfort. I too have had multiple losses in my family 3 brothers and my parents, my brothers all died in their prime, leaving young kids behind. It’s so hard I’m not 40 yet and I’ve lost almost half my family. The latest loss was my brother in 2010 and my mom in May of this year to esophageal cancer. This cancer is one of the rare ones but very deadly since it renders the patient unable to eat. I hurt so much that mom had to suffer; sometimes I feel worse about the suffering she went through than her death. Cancer is so evil; it has ruined the lives of millions around the world. How long after the time of diagnosis did your brother die? I have so many questions, I always wonder if a different treatment approach would have made a difference in mom’s outcome and longevity. Mon died about 14 months from the time of diagnosis.

Dear Mercy...sorry we could not connect on phone. Please call me when you can. I thought about you Christmas Eve and Day. We seem to all have made it through Christmas. What does the NEW Year mean for us? I have been very down today. Just so tired. I started crying taking my shower tonight before bed...I am so tired of everything. Going through life putting on a good front and really making the effort to go on. Sandra says ...life sucks. Christmas was depressing..Itried to think of Christmas in only the nameof Jesus being born. Work is stressful. My boss is having memory loss.She never remembersour conversations lately. I wish you guys were closer geography. I am a 56 year old spinster,orphan. OMG. Never ever saw this as my life. My life has a lot of blessings but damn it - I  feel so alone. Love Sue

Thank you Evelyn, again, am so sorry for your loss. I loved my brother dearly and losing him has been very hard on me. Coming here is always very comforting.

Sue, Christmas this year was the worst. I was so very tired, depressed, angry, every bad emotion you can think of. The only person that kept me from going over the edge was my daughter. I see this little girl as a gift from God, she has helped me in my darkest hours. Last night I was tired but could not turn my mind off, so me and her got on youtube and started listening to nursery rhymes, after about 45 minutes, I decided we could listen to something different. The song He knows my name popped up. I cried so much listening to it; my little girl reacted shocked at first then started drying my tears telling me baby, sorry, its ok, its ok. She has so much wisdom and empathy, even though she's only twenty five months. I'm so blessed to have her. Sue, you are not alone, you may feel alone but you are not. You are such a wonderful human being and you feel like family to me. I have the next four days off, if I don't get into one of those deep dark places I was in last weekend; I will call you. God Bless.

Hi Guys,

I hope you are all well. I was wondering if any of you felt really depressed about tomorrow or whether it's just me? I've always found New Years really emotional and sad in the past for some reason, Mum and I always cried at midnight. Now this year she won't be here to cry with me, and I'll be the only one :( Everyone around me is so cheerful and I just feel so hopeless right now.

Kelly.

Last year New Year's was a blur since we had Harry's funeral on December 27th. The one thing that I remember and it seems so small was him not being there to give me a kiss at midnight. This year I am in a new house for just a week and so many things have changed but that is the one constant that can break me down. Not depressed but just causes a good cry. I hope we all get through this well and look forward to better things in 2012. Happy New Year everyone!

I've been very depressed lately, its not your typical sadness, its depression. For the first time my little girl will not be around me if her dad is home. I think she just senses my sadness. I hate the festivities surrounding this time of year because I feel like I have to keep acting like am cheerful too., I want to leave 2011 behind, but its bittersweet because am leaving behind the the last year of moms life, its just a weird feeling...........maybe I need to go to bed now.

I have the helpless feeling as well. Because we couldn't do anything by the time we found out my mom had cancer the docs offered treatment but told us it would do no good. Since it was stage 4 colon cancer and it had metastasized throughout her whole entire body. we basically had to set back pump her full of meds and watch her suffer. thankfully it wasn't long for her sake. I have been missing her so much. It's hard to carry on. My heart is broken. She too had to have reassurance that we would all be fine and it was ok to let go. I was a liar..I don't want to be but I had to tell her I would be ok. Cause watching her suffer was killing me. I miss you mom!

Laura,

I often lay awake at night and think of things I would have done differently. I knew my mom was going to die..and soon but something would not let me fully grasp it.

There's so many things I would have said to her now that I have had almost 9 months to think about it. But during the time she faded so fast all I could muster up to say was. Mom I'll be o.k. It's alright. That killed me to even utter that. I think it was to hard for the both of us to have any sort of talks about her dying. But now I wonder what was going through her head. I know she knew she was dying. I know she didn't want to..Even though she was in so much pain she still didn't want to leave us. :( If I had one more day with my mom I would hug her...and just listen to her talk..watch her with my kids and just soak it all in. I would ask her personal questions that I never talked to her about. Because I thought I had more time. I have learned not to take time for granted any longer, we just never know.

Hugs,

Melissa

the best thing about this year has been... my therapy and therapist.  Yayy Dr. Inna.

Don died on Nov. 12, 2010.  His father died on Thanksgiving day, 2010 - two weeks after Don died.  The first year is hard, of course; I don't know if it's harder than years to come or not because I haven't been there.  But my mom was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and she's always been my rock, one of my best friends and I am so grateful for the relationship we've had.  My dad was just put on Hospice care; the main reason was because of an infection in his leg (cellulitis) and he refused to stay in the hospital but needed i.v. antibiotics.  As you can imagine this (with my parents - my mom is 86 and my dad is 96, and they have been married for 68 years...!) has been very triggering for me.  It's hard to watch my mom decline mentally, but I've been watching it for several months; it took a while to get her to a doctor and get her checked out to confirm what I already suspected.  My dad was he one who remembered the dates and medications and such things for this past year.  Now he has been diagnosed with "Delusional dementia" because he hallucinates and he's having episodes of extreme anger and belligerence.  My mom told me today he is sleeping a lot - more than normal for him.  I think it means he is declining rapidly.  My brother told me he just talked to him yesterday and he sounded "fine; he was joking and was right on point" but I live here and see them more often; my dad was slurring his speech the other day and not making sense.  How do you know when it's medication or brain damage?  There was a mix up about his medications with Hospice between the hospice doctor and the nurse; after having had experience with hospice with Don, my feeling was that we need to check out the miscommunication and if we need to make a change, we need to do it now, but to my brothers, I'm just the "little sister" (even though I have a Master's degree in psychology and I'm almost 60 years old!) and I'm "making waves."  It's very frustrating trying to do one thing for your parents when you gut is telling you to, and no one will listen.  It's even more frustrating when your loved one's doctor won't listen.  

I guess I'm just venting.  This is New Year's Eve.  If Don were here, we would have feasted on chicken wings, stuffed mushroom and cold shrimp with champaign, then made love and then watched a movie or t.v., and gone to bed after that, usually before midnight.  That was our New Year's routine. But this morning I went to the animal shelter and adopted a dog.  Her family had to surrender her because they moved and couldn't keep her.  They only had her for 6 months.  It's very sad.  She's very sweet, cuddly and right now is sleeping at my feet.  But she keeps wanting to go back in the car and go "home."  She doesn't know yet that this is home.  But I have a new companion in my life to love, and I know she will give back lots of love, too.  

I know this is a terrible time for all of us on this list, and I wish none of us needed to be here - I wish this list didn't exist because that would mean no one needed it.  But in spite of all that, I do want to say - I hope the coming year is better for all, and that we all get what we need.  Take care.

I have had plenty of time to think of what I would do with just one more day with my husband Tom.  I know the answer by heart, in my heart.  I would wrap a blanket around the two of us and just have him hold me one more time.  Feel his heart beat strong under my cheek.  Smell the smell that was his alone and ask him to talk to me, about anything, just to hear his voice. 

Sometimes I dream of him and that is my dream.  I dont know if it is him coming to me in the dream or wishful thinking on my part that creates the dream but it is always the same and I love it and hate it both equally.  I love to be with him even in a dream, and I hate waking up to the knowledge it was only a dream.