Mike; I’m so sorry about your loss. I can understand totally. I lost an ex boyfriend in 2008 and I’m still grieving his loss. We were planning to get back together when he passed away. I can say without a doubt he was my soul mate. Some people don’t understand how we can grieve someone for years, but it’s totally possible. I’ve known people who die of a broken heart long after their loved ones have passed. I’m here for you if you need to talk. Hugs to you.

I'm happy for you Cynthia, I hope the house sells fast.

Laura; I know the feeling of a broken record. I keep repeating the same words to my family and friends, telling them how I feel over and over again. There’s a void that will never be filled by anyone. My moms best friend also passed away a week ago, she was like a second mother to me. I feel so alone and my connection to mom is also gone forever. I wish we had chosen a different treatment for my mom too. There are so many ifs and would haves that I play over and over in my mind. There are words that mom said that bring me comfort these days, she told me life and death are in Gods hands so maybe nothing I would have done would have made a difference?

Thank you, Mercy.  I'm  not sure what there is to be happy for... but thank you; maybe that I'm finally to feel less of the pain?  If the house doesn't feel this weekend, I'm taking it off the market on the 15th.  It's been up since August; around here, it will just lose value the longer it's listed.  But I am thinking of going to Flagstaff for an extended "vacation" to see what it's like in the winter... then I'll decide what I want to do.  But thanks.

My mother loved to cook..She spent her time cooking alot during her life..She loved caring for people..Any time I was sick she would rush up to my house and take care of me and help me with my kids. So when she was ill I did my best to take care of her. When we found out about the colon cancer I knew my mom was going to die..the survival rate for colon cancer was 7 to 10 yrs. but we just found out to late. So I didn't even have time to process she was ill long till they told us she had 3 weeks to live..but she made it 1 month 4 days :P on you doctors..She fought to live to the very last moment.. I couldn't do anything when she slipped away. I also love to cook I took that after my mom :) But when I'm in the kitchen cooking I think her her and I cry alot. My family never been good at expressing their feelings we hide them from each other. I don't think my brothers are grieving for her. I think they are pushing those feelings down..That's not good but we all deal with things differently. I'm different though I hate crying but I can't stop myself. I have cried so much in the last 7 months...But I know it is helping me get it out..so if I have to do it privately so be it.  I sometimes wonder what would of happened if we had found out sooner would it have been better. my moms cancer was so aggressive it spread so quickly in just the 2 months we knew..It was to late and I think that's what bothers me most we didn't do anything..There was nothing we could do..they wanted to hit my mom with a bunch of radiation but told us it probably wouldn't do any good.. SO my mom said whats the point I really can't blame her. I never once told her to get the treatments I didn't know what to do. But I didn't want to push her...to do something she didn't want to go through. I hope she knows I didn't want her to die..But I wasn't going to hold on to her and tell her no..because I didn't want  to prolong her suffering. So we all told her it was ok and we would be fine..I lied to her :(

Hi Cynthia; I was saying I'm happy you have a showing, these days even getting a showing is hard. I know you've been talking about wanting to sell the house for a while. Hope it all works out for you dear.

hey mercy, wanted to say hi....i had my first breakdown about my mom yesterday, it just flooded me and the tears and sorrow just came and came, it was good for me, but i miss her so bad....i have a new man in my life, sent from God I believe, and im so glad to have him.....love, Rachel

Hi Cynthia, you and I seem to have a lot in common right now with all that is going on in our lives. I have had my house up for sale since June and just when I thought I would take it off for the winter the people that originally wanted it and could not get it now can. So they want a Dec. 15th closing. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would be moving in less than a month. You see Harry's birthday is Nov. 21st and it will be a year that he passed on dec. 22nd. I am having real distress about all of this and the timing. What I have concluded though if it might help you, is that all the memories I have here in the last 25 years are in my heart and in my pictures and films. The house may be gone but you will never forget. I also feel that maybe the timing is not by chance but he is telling me it is ok to start somewhere again. It was what our plan was and he did not live long enough to live it but would want me to, I am sure of that. I know when the day comes that I have to leave it will be very hard, but I know if he was moving with me it would be anyway. I know he will be moving with me and is always close by. I am recovering from my vacation accident in SF in Sept. I am out of the wheelchair and walker and have advanced to a cane. It will take a long time to heal but seems everything is a challange these days. What doesn't kill you will just make you stronger.

To all of you that are going through this pain of lose my heart goes out to you. This is a very hard time of year as well. Please try to remember the good times with your loved ones and don't dwell on the what ifs and did I do the right thing. You all have done everything you could have and shouldn't waste a second thinking otherwise. I feel peace in knowing that Harry and I did everything we could together during his illness and never dwelled on it. We just LIVED like there was no tomorrow, and of course we knew at some point there wasn't. We all need to honor our loved ones by continuing our lives as best we can and live everyday to the fullest. It is really hard to be happy, but little by little it will start to get better. No one knows why things happen as they do but we need to just work through them the best we can.

Happy Holidays to all of you out there and may you all find some peace this holiday season.

Dear Jeanne -

Thank you so much for your post.  Your Harry's birthday coming at the holiday's must be very difficult; especially the anniversary of his death right before Christmas.  My thoughts and my heart are with you.  Yes, we do seem to have a lot in common.  My house comes off the market tomorrow; I'd rather stay here a while longer and try again next Spring - who knows; maybe the market will improve.  My feels about it are mixed; we raised our children in this house, we made a life together  before we moved here, but most of it was here.  But, it's just a house, and I long ago decided that things are just things.  As you said, I have my memories, my photos and Don will always be with me, no matter where I am, he will know and that's what really matters to me.  

Last year (Don died Nov.12 - have I said that enough???) my daughter and her then fiancee came here from NY for the holidays; we didn't "do" Christmas, because we all agreed we didn't want to, but one day I got up from a nap and my daughter and her boyfriend had found some light and small ornaments and draped it around the mantle; it was actually a nice thing to do, and the lights gave the house some warmth.  I feels very blessed that I can openly cry in front of my daughters if I have to.  But that as then, and this is  now. I don't miss him any less, but the hurt, while it's still there, isn't quite as deep.  But the littlest things will set me off still.  So I just kind of keep going1  One foot in front of the other... somehow I seem to remain standing.

I hope you have a nice place that you are planning to move to.  And, yes, Harry will always be with you.  And again, thank you so much for your words and thoughts.  

Jeanne, Thank you so much for your kind words. good luck on your move!

Hugs to you

Melissa

Hey Everybody,

It's been over two years for me since I lost my Denise and the pain still hurts so much,  I just started a new job selling workout videos and one of the ones is HIP HOP ABs and Denise had bought it and was trying to lose weight with it.  She would say, "i'm gonna do my HIP HOP Abs, okay?"  and i'd say, that's great Baby.  she wanted to lose weight and she was, when I met her she was 340 pounds and she lost 100 pounds in the year we were together.  we would go for walks and hikes all the time.  she was so excited to get down under 300 and then under 280 and then down to 260 when we went to india she was wearing clothes she bought but never wore because she got too big too quick.  So at work when we were learning about the videos I saw HIP HOP abs  was one we sold, I completely lost it and started crying.  It was like the flood gates opened and all my tears came out.

Oh baby I miss you so much.

Michael -

I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain.  But letting out the tears is a good thing - it's all part of the process.  I never know what might set me off.  My dad called me yesterday to apologize for something, and I got all emotional but not about that; it was about my loss.  I understand, and I'm glad you are at least hanging in here and posting.  

Michael, your post made me cry. We know too well what you are going through; there are so many things that set me off that I have to avoid watching certain shows and going to certain places. The holidays are the worst!

Michael,

I too cry at times I don't even know it's coming I'll be cooking one of my moms favorite past times and I will just burst into tears.. Or I'll do something or say something my mom used to and it reminds me of her and how she's gone and I just start crying. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Hugs, Melissa

Laura,

I'm so sorry your having a hard time, If you ever need to talk I'm here for you. I know we don't know each other. But I don't mind listening about your Jon :)

Melissa

Michael,

Same for you I wouldn't mind hearing all about your lovely wife, take care of yourself

Melissa

Laura,

That is so amazing to find a doctor who actually cares.. That doesn't think his patients as statistic. Your very lucky in that sense

Hugs to you

Melissa

Dear Melissa,

Denise was the most wonderful person ever.  Her family was from Belize.  She was the only sibling born in the US.  I met her when we were both working at American Express Travel.  She was about 340 pounds and I couldn't understand how a person gets like that.  I got to know her and found her to be , well, the most wonderful person ever.  She was hilarious, always quick with a very funny joke or impersonation.  She was a good Christian and she loved everyone.  She accepted me as a Hare Krishna devotee and I accepted her Christian values.  WE loved to talk about the Lord, we would read to each other our favorites passages from our respective lieratures, we toured the California Missions and even began building little replicas out of clay as a hobby.  I just recently painted the missions the way Denise wanted.  I was always afraid i would mess them up.  But I painted them and they look even more beautiful.  She was right.

Michael, That is beautiful..You both are very talented. She seemed to be beautiful through and through. you were both very lucky to find each other..My heart goes out to you that your time together was cut short. I'm glad your continuing doing something you both loved to do.

Big hugs to you,

Melissa

Laura,

I'm so very sorry you found that awful note. I'm pretty sure he had cancer before he wrote that note..So I don't think god answered his prayers to end his misery and pain. I know it's hard to find something like that. Cancer is a horrible thing it sneaks up on you and takes away our loved ones. I truly hate it and I have never hated something so much in my life!

Hugs,

Melissa

April 2 I lost the love of my life and my best friend to colon cancer, Melissa, I started reading a book called Prayer that Works and discussing the chapters with my neighbor. We are only on the third chapter but it is amazing when I sit and read, how I am finding me in the writings. Now I am not an overly religious person so know this first, but in this last chapter the author writes, " God in his grace veils the future from us and says, "Trust me, do what you know to do in the here and now,and I will look after the future" It is also written God's clock keeps perfect time, God's time is not to be confused with people time." It is interesting that in my daily reminders of the pain I suffer with the loss of my husband, that this book has become a tool to remind me that I am human, and that the unanswered prayers, may in fact be answered, just not in the way we think they should be.

We all as I am finding out, need something to ease the pain. My husband had lost his job almost 2 years ago, and finally had gone back to work, he lost his health care as well. A year ago he started losing weight, I thought it was is diabetes, December 11 our first grandchild was born, but Jim got sicker. Running a fever, we isolated him in the spare room so that if it was a virus he would not get the baby sick, a few days before Christmas he was feeling better. Jim never had children of his own, but this grandchild was the hopes and dreams he had always wanted, so he spent as much time with the baby as he could, then would rest. Little did we know, that once he returned to work in January, reinstated his health care, that he would only live 3 months longer, by then it was too late.

I guess my point here is that because I think God is good, and feel guilty for asking him for help, when I did pray for Jim to be healed, I am not feeling as though I was abandoned by my faith, but rather think that taking Jim to heaven as fast as he did, it was a blessing he did not suffer for years, he was only 52. Our loss of those we love with each breath we take is unbearable, and in those moments of dispare, we tend to refocus on the life around us, regroup, and wait until the tears flow again. I am just looking for comfort in those times and thought I would share what has eased some of my pain, even though it does not last long. My heart goes to all of us here that share the grief of our loss. We are brothers and sisters in this way, a common ground that no one should have to share, but this site has become a source of comfort too.

Barbara thank you I will look for the book. So sorry about your husband. my mom was really ill for a yr as well but we didn't know she had cancer until Feb 2011 by then it was to late..I miss her so much

Big hugs to you

Melissa

Melissa

Like Michael, my choice for mate seemed a little unlikely in the beginning.  Even though I asn't aware of it at first, Jon was using cocaine quite heavily.  When i found out abou the drug use, I gave him an ultimatum.  It was the drugs or me.  Thankfully he chose me, and was clean ever since. 

Jon was the kind of guy who did not know a stranger.  He would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it.  He was very spontaneous.  We took several last minute trips over the years, because we both had a three day weekend, or because he had personal days to burn.  He had an amazing sense of humor, always involving my daughter in some April fools prank against me.  One time he put red koolade in the shower head so when I took a shower "blood" would rain down on me.  Another time he threw firecrackers in the bathroom while I was in the shower scaring the pee out of me.  I usually got him back in some lame way, but i did get him.  One time, on Valentines Day, he called the local radio station to have them play me a song.  He chose Dead Flowers by The Rolling Stones.  The people at the station thought he was being a jerk, but he knew I really liked the song and it would mean something to me.  It was one of the songs we played at his funeral.

He put up with a lot also.  I LOVE teddy bears, so much that we have teddy bear towels, canisters, dishes, knick knacks, as well as many, many, stuffed ones around the house.  He would always remember to buy me some kind of bear for each occasion.  

Well now that I have myself crying at work, I better stop writing so I don't get too emotional.  

Bless you Laura; you were so blessed. I hope you find peace and comfort in the memories of Jon. Few people ever get to experience that kind of gift. I experienced it with someone who also went to be with the Lord a few years ago. I took so much forgranted then, I feel that if I had stayed with him, he would still be live (long story). I thank God that I had five wonderful years with him.

Laura,

I'm so sorry your lonely...and that you can't sleep. I can't sleep well either I don't know why. I'm not lonely..lonely for my mom..But I dunno if that should cause me not to be able to sleep. Anyways I'm normally up late So if yah want someone to talk to I'd be glad to take away some of your loneliness 

Big hugs!

Melissa

I should be asleep too and rest up for my 4 hour ride to be with my daughter and grandson for the Thanksgiving week off. Somehow convincing myself it'll be okay that a year ago, my baby and I spending our unannounced last Thanksgiving, last Christmas, and last New Year together is haunting my unsettled soul. It is funny how grief overtakes what should be joyous right out of your life, not only being alone, but changing how you feel about holidays that once meant so much. I know I should I should, I should... but I am fighting the feeling of care and I know I will make it through, but .... Oh how I love him and miss his warmth at night. My right hand man when cooking and my tester to make sure everything is just the way he likes it..I miss that daily as well, but especially now. My grandson will not have his grandpa to share the wishbone...(he's only 11 months old).

I spent so much of my life feeling alone, then God graced me with the love of you, I learned how to be loved and grew comfortable in your arms. Now you are gone, and once again the empty spot in my heart and soul has returned. I do not ask for pitty, but for strength to go on. Today I put one foot in front of the other, not knowing what tomorrow will bring, but know this my breath...it is hard to breathe without you here.

Hi Laura,

Huggs to you and I totally feel your pain in not being able to sleep, reeling thoughts that won't let me breathe. In my despair, I finally went to the doctor and got some medicne.

Secondly, I don't know why, but the only guilt I fear is that I was not there when my husband passed. It consumes me. A friend of mine told me that I should try to look at it as though maybe it was his way of taking control and not have me be there that last 4 hours of his life. He knew I was going to be devistated and didn't want to add that last breath of his to have me suffer with him. I hang on to that thought and it has helped. I too wonder if I had let him be treated medically in the wrong way. Try to reason what you went through in that light. It makes the "missing" part a little easier for me anyway.

Dear Laura,

I think you are right..your husband did not think you could handle it...so he took charge. I was with my mother Nancy when she died June 26, 2011. I held her hand and stroked her face telling her it was alright to go with Jesus. My sisters were there also. I watched the life drain out of her face and as much as I was blessed to be at her side - that image haunts me constantly. Only recently am I able to visualize and remember her beautiful face before she got so sick with cancer. I never thought I could handle watching her pass on...but I could and did. She was my entire world. My sisters went their seperate ways after her death and I am now completely alone. I face everything alone. It is daunting. My Dr. increased my antidepressent (Effexor). I hope that gets me through the holidays and more importantly mother and I share December 19th as our birthday. Much love your way. Sue

There are two Laura's guess we need to use last name too

tomorrows is my daughters 4th birthday and my dad will not be here...its the beginning of our journey thru life without him:(she is so sad at 3 yrs old who would of thought  they would remember and think about it i knw i gotta stay strong for her but it kills me when she beggs for him to come back and she will be good  i cry so much because thats all i want is him to come back

Dear Sara,

reading your post made me cry.  I beg for my Denise back and i will be good too.

i promise i'll be good.

Don't cry for me now that i am gone.  I was only here for a while to brighten your way and make everyone smile.  Remember the good times and the joy we had, do not despair.  And even though i am no longer here i will allways be by your side. I am the wind that dries the tears on your face, I am the birdsong that stops your heart from breaking.  Look up at the night sky and you will see me sparkle everbright.  No more pain, or anguish nor fear for I am at peace.  Even though i know it hurts you so, please believe I have never stopped loving you.  Go now and cry no more for i am looking over you.

its still heart wrenching to think of my mom and what she went thru....its especially hard during the holidays....cancer is a bear....it claimed both of my parents....im glad i had the time with both my parents that i did, but wish i had had more with my mom, still to this day hard to believe she is gone....my heart goes out to everyone battling their losses....im so very sorry

Dear Jan -

Thank you so much for posting this poem.  I am very familiar with it as I remember it from when I worked for Hospice, over 10 years ago, long before I thought my husband would one day be a hospice patient himself.  The anniversary of his death was Nov. 12, and the holidays are hard around here.  This is will be my second Thanksgiving without him; I have no plans, no invitations from anyone to join them in their homes, and my daughter and her family are going out of town.  And that's okay; I think I'd just as soon be alone as have to keep my feelings in check if I was around people.  But I digress.  Thank you for the poem.  It's one of my favorites.

Today is Harry's birthday and I can't help remembering that last year on this day I rushed over to NYC Sloan Kettering to spring him out of the hospital to get him home for a little family party. He wanted to come home so much. I knew it would his last birthday with us and it made all that much more important to bring him home. It would be his last hospitalization and on Dec. 7th he went on hospice. He stayed at home as both of us wanted for him. I was so glad I was able to take care of him and have him at home with me. So Happy Birthday Harry, love and miss you forever. Jeanne

@ Laura S,

Very well could have been Jon Paying you a visit. Or maybe he's sending you a message of some sort.

Laura S,

My mom has visited me as well. I feel her presence.. And she comes to me in dreams..Or when your half asleep. My sons Birthday is the 26th of April. Mom passed the 7th Just a few weeks before. We had his party outside rented a huge bounce house. and my brother and some other ppl took Pics I was looking at some of them I swear in one of the pics it looks like my moms shadow in the window. She passed at my mother in laws house. I used to live there. I'm gonna look through the other pics we took that day. This will be our first Thanksgiving without my mom too. But I think she will be proud of me for baking my first turkey!

I'm sorry his family has not contacted you. Maybe it's hard on her..You guys were together a long time. I have a hard time seeing my step father now..It's like where is my mom she's supposed to be with you!!! yah know? anyways I dunno. Take care alright,

Melissa