Hello.  Lately I've been having several down days, and then a few up ones.  It's been a little over 9 months since my husband died from rectal cancer, and I gave myself permission to just let my feelings out, no matter where I am or who is there.  If people have a problem with that, it's their problem, not mine.  One of my brother's always sounds disappointed in me if I'm having a bad day when he calls; he was in town with his wife a few weeks ago and the three of us went out for dinner.  I had been having a "good" period and he remarked how well I was doing and he was proud of me and how I was taking good care of myself.  That's always nice to hear, but I also need people to be able to hear the "bad days" when I have them, and understand and not judge. My friends can do that; my mom has been my rock - she never tries to make it better, she understands, and she misses my husband, too. I decided that if I'm having a bad day, I don't try to hide it.  Sometimes I feel like I'm moving on too quickly; I'm trying to sell the house and I've donated most of his clothing; I don't regret that - I felt ready.  I don't have "meltdowns" anymore, but I get teary and sad a lot more lately; I feel lonely a lot - lonely to know I won't feel Don's arms around me, or mine around him; lonely that I can't give him a kiss just because I want to, or he isn't there to comfort me and hold me and kiss me.  So it's been harder lately.  I have good friends who are there for me, and sometimes they try to give me "advice" when that's the last thing I want or need - especially from someone who hasn't been where I am.  The loneliness is the worst part of it all.  So when I think about selling the house, and relocating, does it really matter if I go somewhere that I don't know anyone?  Alone is alone.  The only difference is that here I can call someone to talk to, but I can do that from anywhere; here I can see someone I know; somewhere away from here I can't do that.  I feel at a crossroads, and I wonder what Don would want me to do right now.  And I know he would just want me to be happy, no matter what it takes.

Don did a good job with our investments, and if I'm careful I don't have to worry about money - but that's if I'm careful!  I'm not very good at being careful with money but I'm learning.  I have fibromyalgia, inflammatory arthritis which causes extreme fatigue and pain, and that makes it very hard to work; fortunately, I don't have to worry about working - but I've been thinking I should find a regular job; today I decided I'm not going to keep applying for jobs that I probably won't get anyway, or that I don't have the energy for.  It felt good to make that decision.  I need to downsize and move to a state with my money will go further.  That's what Don would want me to do - make smart decisions, and take care of myself.  I miss him so very much. 

Donna - first of all, thank you for validating  my feelings and agreeing that the best way is to  just let them out.

I am sorry that even your family seems so distant especially now when you need family.  Some of it may be that we, as women, are nurturers, and men, well, men have been taught all of their lives by society not to let their feelings show.  So they tend to shove them down. Not all men; but a lot of them. It sounds like you all could really benefit from some family therapy together; but I suspect you'd never get your dad and your brother to join you in that endeavor!  But you might be able to get your husband to go with you to couple's counseling.  A good therapist who works with couples can really make a huge difference in a relationship.  I know because not only am I a therapist, but years ago I dragged my husband to couple's therapy, and we stayed in it for close to two years; it helped us both with communication, but more importantly, it help my husband see how so many of our behaviors and deeper feelings are carry overs from childhood.  If it's too much for you to cope  with helping your dad right now, then find a good financial planner who you trust to take over taking care of his bills and his investments, etc.  Don't put too much on yourself right now; your job is to heal and take care of YOU!  I hope you are getting good support, even if it's outside of the family.  I"m sorry about the loss of you mom; I'm sending hugs to help you feel held.

I will write more later about this.This is new for me as all of you .I pray to God everyday to give me strength to go on and be strong.One thing i really don't tlike is when they say "at least she is not suffering" she was fighting for her life....I miss you Becky so much and I love you<3

Dear Mariann and Jackie -

Mariann I am so sorry for your loss; I cannot imagine losing one of my children.  Jackie, yeah, why indeed?  Sometimes it just sucks.  Hang in there.

Almost 2 months now since Cara left. I've not been able to get here as often as I'd like to write due to trying to get my business revitalized with a new service line. I decided to go into digital publishing, given my background.

I still hurt daily, many, many times over. Still no car, very little, but solid contact with the kids. Appetite is up some. The new apartment is starting to take shape. I've put in a small altar with memories of Cara on it. Behind that is the new wall of crosses (Cara started this tradition several years ago), including one blessed by the Trappist monks that built her casket. It was just like the one we buried her mother in 3 years ago. Cara is right next to her Mom now, both here on earth and in Heaven.

So, this is probably not appropriate, but it occurred to me that we who have lost someone so dear may wish to put together letters, writings, photos, etc. into a book to share with others or to just remember. I know the kids, her brother, and I are finishing her childrens book "DreamQuilt" for sale & distribution to Hospice providers as a guided meditation for children facing what we have faced, and I intend to put her poetry, letters, short stories, etc., into a book. If anyone here were interested, I'd be happy to discuss how these kind of things can be done privately.

We all hurt so deeply. We need to remember to think of the amount of hurt we feel is directly inverse to the level of Love we had for those we lost. When you move it to the positive, Love, it's easier to remember how we loved them, why we loved them, and how we will remember them.

pacis exsisto unto vos totus

Mariann,

God be with you. remember where strength comes from. Inside.God bless.

I just need someplace to let this out and here you all are.  Thank you.  My daughter is here from NYC this week for her wedding on Saturday.  They were actually married in a legal ceremony in NY the week before last, but they wanted to exchange their vows in front of family and friends, and my daughter always wanted to get married in "Nana's" (my mom and dad's) back yard.  My husband and I were married there, in a double ceremony with my oldest brother and his wife.  This coming Saturday is the day, and it is also my mom and dad's 68th wedding anniversary.  I can't believe they haven't killed each other yet...

My parents are 86 and 96.  They still live in the house I grew up in, and that was their plan when they built the place almost 60 years ago - to have a home they could live out their remaining days in.  But my dad is ailing, and my mom takes care of him by herself, and lately when she stressed and tired, she doesn't think very well and can't remember a lot.  For some reason they changed their phone service to Vonage, which is great for technologically minded folks, but that's not my mom and dad!  So I was trying to help them get phone service, and in the process we got my mom a new, simple to use cell phone, and it even has a strap so she can wear it around her neck and not lose it.  Would you believe she called me from the old cell phone the other day because she couldn't find the new one?  I live 30 miles away; I don't know what she thought I could do.    

So anyway, lately I've been having a harder time with my grief; I keep replaying those last few days of Don's live and with hospice and I keep wondering if I did everything I could have and should have to  make his last days more comfortable.  I remember him reaching towards me and it seemed like he was trying to say something, but I didn't know what it was.  All I could do was give him morphine and tell him it was okay to let go.  So I don't know why now, 9 months later, I keep questioning myself about it.  I have three brothers, but I'm the only one who lives "in town" sort of near my parents; but this is Los Angeles, and a 30 mile drive can take upwards of an hour on the freeways; Saturday my daughter and were over there and it took us 2 hours to get back home!   So my brother's assume that I'll take care of things because I'm "here."  I called one of my brothers last week for help with the phone company, and he "didn't have time" because he's a big shot lawyer (yeah, right) and had deadlines.  That's the way he's been all year whenever I've asked him for help with my parents; he doesn't have time.  Today my daughter and I were at their house meeting with the photographer for the wedding, and then my mom needed help for something with the phone or something, and then there was this paper they had to sign for the attorney who is redoing their trust, and my dad was refusing the sign the papers until my big shot lawyer could look at it.  He started yelling at me because I told him it was just the client/attorney agreement they needed to sign that they agreed to the attorney's policies, and he started yelling at me and saying something about my brother being a trustee on the trust... but I said he's not an estate attorney and doesn't do this type of stuff, and my dad went off and I just couldn't take it anymore, and I just left.  Then I felt really bad because I had doing that to my mom, especially because she's exhausted and not thinking real straight, and my dad is such a bully, and my daughter wanted to lay in the sun and swim today (they have a beautiful pool) and I said I just had to get out of there.  When I talk to her about her dad, she gets upset, well, of course she does... but I need to vent about this and I don't want to put this on her during this week before her wedding; it's supposed to be a happy time and she should be basking in the pre-wedding glow... I'm so sorry; I'm just babbling on and on; my therapist is out of town and I just don't know who to call to vent to, although I have a lot of friends who would listen; it's hard for me to do that.  And then there's all this drama between my two daughters because the one who lives nearby and is already married and two little boys has a husband who's a real jerk, and he threatened my younger daughter's then-fiancee, and they don't want him at the wedding, so he's not invited.  Oy.  I told them both I'm staying out of that one.  I don't know why my grief is suddenly bringing that big wave back now of all times; maybe it's because I'm remembering when we got married, and how wonderful  he was and what our almost 32 years together were like; he was just the best husband in the world.  He was so very good to me, and sensitive and loving and understanding, and such a great dad.  And I just miss him so much; knowing I'll never feel his arms around me and he isn't here to share in our daughter's joy... well, it just sucks.  The whole f-ing thing sucks.  And I told my family that I am the one among all of us - my brothers and myself - who is currently the least able to deal with my parents, emotionally, but just because I'm the only one who hasn't moved away - yet - it all falls on me.  I know I have to disengage, and not let them do this to me; it's my issue, it's my responsibility to take care of myself, but damn, it's so hard right  now.  

Thanks, everyone, for giving me a place to let it out.  Big breath!

Dear Cynthia--my heart goes out to you. When Richie was sick and me and his wife were going back and forth to the NYC (from upstate ny) I had to learn to shut out my familly and take care of myself and my little girl. It wasn't easy but it was survival. I too felt guilty, because I'm the caretaker, the fixer and they all expected me to fix them everyday. It wasn't going to happen. So my advice, let all the guilt go and just take care of yourself. I know this is hard and you've been anticipating this moment for awhile. It's ok if you don't act like the perfect mom,daughter,sister etc... at this moment. This life is about YOU and this is hard and just S..KS. I just want you to know that I have never met you but have gotten to know you though this site, and I love you. You are such a big hearted women and you have the best advice for others. I think Don would be so proud of you.

Barbara, Kathryn and all -

Thank you so much for the kind words and positive thoughts. I know that everything you say is true and I can also relate to what you are saying.  I think I probably make things sound worse than they are; my mom has been a rock for me through all of this, even tho there are times she is having trouble holding it together just due to her age and having to take care of my dad; he just refuses to get any outside help, but she thinks he may be getting more receptive to having someone come it.  I guess I just got set off because he's so unreasonable and I finally realized that's he's just a bully, and I won't be bullied anymore.  I have to let go of some things, and take care of myself like you all said; and yes, this life is mine, and I'm trying to do my best and what Don would want me to do if he could be here to tell me... all of my siblings will be here for the wedding; my oldest brother and his wife have been here for me though everything - they don't live here, but they've made it clear that they are here for me whenever I need to talk or vent or need help with something.  And they live 7 hours away but do visit when they can.  But if anyone knows what I'm going through it's you - all of you who've lost the love of your life and miss the hugs and support and the little touches...But it is what it is, too.  So, I'm just going to be here for my daughter, and try to work on getting her to not take care of me!  She has so much empathy for people; I told her i'm okay, I'm going through my process, and it doesn't mean it's a bad thing, or I'm not okay - it's just part of the process, and she understands about that.  We had an extra boutonniere made for Don and we're just going to quietly put it on a chair and that's what she wanted to do acknowledge that even tho he's gone, he's really still with us if only in our hearts.  So I'm just helping her where she needs help for the final, little touches, and I know the wedding will be a celebration of life, and it will go well.  And again, thank you all so much.  It means a lot to me to have you "here."  Kathryn, I love what you said about trying to incorporate parts of your Robbie into yourself, and do good things; I try to remember what Don would tell me about all of this, and he was always my "voice of reason" when I would get upset and let my buttons get pushed, he was there to remind me to let go of some things.  Barbara, thank you so much for your kind words and reminders that yeah, I have a good heart and I am more than all this s--t!!

Thank you all again.

Hi Cynthia, seems like I am a little late to the party, most everything I believe was already said by these smart ladies. I would just like to add that when you mention that your father is a bully and probably more now than ever since he feels his independence slipping away, it reminds me of what you are saying about your brother the big shot attorney. Perhaps after the wedding is over you can call a family meeting with your siblings and let them know that you will only be able to do so much for your parents and that you need to make a schedule of what all of you can do and can't do. Don't let him bully you like your father is bullying your mom. On that subject, I would think that the time may have come that your father cannot call the shots about his care and your mother must get the help she needs. As a caregiver you know how much it is taking from her and at her age it is so much harder. I understand that is why you do what you do for them, but you have siblings and they need to act like it.

I am sure your daughter will have a wonderful day and everyone will have a great time. Wait til the dust settles and bring this up if you agree, but stand your ground for you and your mothers sake. You deserve a break after all you have been through.

I am sure that all of us did everything we could for our loved ones and I believe they all feel blessed that they had us there as we felt blessed that we had them as long as we could. Never doubt it, nothing good can come from even thinking about it. Have a great wedding and know that Don will be right there next to you as he always will be.

Jeanne: thank you so much for your words of wisdom, advice and comfort.  I told my brother - the attorney - that I just can't do it all by myself; my oldest brother and his wife live in Arizona but manage to make the 7 hour drive to L.A. as often as they can get away, and they both were very helpful during my husband's illness, just by telling me not to worry about my parents and just take care of Don; now they're still a huge help when I need them all I have to do is call, and they understand the pressure I feel and that I'm overwhelmed.  My third brother lives in Indiana and really can't afford to make the trip out  here very often.  I'm planning on relocating if my house ever gets sold!  I need a more affordable place to live where the cost of living is lower, and I told my mom and dad I'm going to be moving when the house sells, so they will have to have help in the house.  I'm not going to let anyone guilt me into staying here.  I have a daughter with two children nearby, and yes, it will be hard to move away and not see them as much, but I have another daughter getting married who will eventually have children, and I have no idea where she'll end up eventually; they said they didn't want to stay in NY for long; it's a temporary location for them, but I'm not going to wait around and see where they go, or pick up and follow them around the country!  So I have my life and my plans; but a sibling conference call or meeting is a good idea, and we've discussed having a conference call about my parents.  My oldest brother is a physician, and he's also had it with my dad being a "rageaholic" and a bully; he said he called and my dad climbed all over him about a decision we'd made to get my mom to see a doctor, finally I talked her into it, and my dad just squashed the idea; so my brother said he won't be talked to that way anymore, and if my dad wants to talk to him, he can call him (my brother). So good for him.  That's how I feel.  When I ask my brother who is in Northern CA for help, he just discounts whatever I say... he doesn't get it, and I've realized that even when I tried to explain it, he just doesn't get it, and family is not a priority for him, and he's got that narcissistic streak that just makes it impossible.  So I'm done with the drama.  They can do whatever they want - help, no help; trust, no trust - I have my own problems.  

So thank you all, for the support and kind words, and we are looking forward to the wedding and I'm just concentrating on that.  I feel exhausted and drained, and it's just too much drama and emotion dragging me down.  I know Don will be with us at the wedding; I think he's with me a lot of the time.  Thank you all again.

I miss my Daughter soo much.I try to be strong but it still seems like a dream.I miss her miss her calls her laugh her sarcasium.I miss HER..why why did she have to have Cancer why one not curable.....I read and pray to God everyday try to be strong in front of others yet I feel like i'm drowning in sorrow some days ..I drive and sometimes not sure how I got there.She is on my mind all the time

 God help me be stronger........................

Mariann,

  Please remember that to hold on to the best part of your daughter, is to celebrate her life. Never forget her memories, and in time, the pain will ease. I promise, you will heal, and for each of us in our own way , a sign will be given that it is ok to live again.

Cynthia- glad it all turned out ok. Breathe now...you did it and you will continue to do it because you deserve it!

Hi everyone,

  I'm feeling really anxious.  I've been having problems with anxiety pretty much my whole life, but I've been able to handle it.  But, Since my mom died, its gotten a whole lot worse.  I'm on ativan, but it doesn't really help when it really gets bad.  I also, try to exercise and try to keep busy, but sometimes that doesn't help either.  My doctor wants me to take an around the clock anti anxiety medication, but I'm not anxious everyday, or even all day, its just sometimes.  Besides, I took celexia when my mom just died, and it was awful.  I ended up hospitalized twice for suicidal thoughts.  I was already suicidal, but the medication made it alot worse.  I'm terrified of psychotropic / psychoactive medications.  Will I ever feel normal again?

Natalie -

Have you tried to see a therapist who can help you learn to deal with your anxiety?  There is a lot you can learn to do to manage your symptoms.  There are some good medications, and some antidepressants help more with anxiety than do others.  Celexa is more for depression than it is for anxiety.  And it isn't unusual to have a negative reaction to one antidepressant, but be okay on another.  The chemistry is different with each one, and how it affects each individual.   You need to talk to a psychiatrist about this; not a family doctor or someone who doesn't specialize in psychotropic meds.  There are also some good books on how to deal with anxiety; you just have to look and find one that looks like it will help you.  Please don't give up on medications; there are some good ones.  I had to really work to get my husband to finally try antidepressants, and when he did, he discovered that it helped his anxiety!  He was on Lexipro.  Lexipro is more on the anxiety end of the spectrum; some treat only depression, some more anxiety, and you just have to be willing to try and see what works for you. That and a really good shrink.  And a really good therapist!   Anxiety has a strong genetic link, and if you have have it most of your life it is most likely biological, and not just due to life events.  Good luck.

Cynthia

Oh Cynthia what a handsome couple. They look so happy together. I am so glad you got through it. I know it had to be difficult. Now take some time for you and relax a little if you can. 

I flew into Lake Tahoe yesterday with my sister and sister in law for a week. We are in San Francisco tonight as we picked up my niece who was here for a convention and are bringing her back to Tahoe with us. I have been in Tahoe on vc with my husband and SF back in 88. Today we did the Muir woods, golden gate bridge ride and went to The Cliffs restaurant. Tomorrow we are sailing over to Alcatraz. All of those things my husband and I did before and it is a little tough but you get through it. I am the only one that has been here before so it is all new to everyone else and fun to see their excitement. Looking forward to get back to Tahoe and make some new memories. Got to stop living in the past, but always remembering how wonderful all those times were. I had the time of my life...

Congrats on getting through your daughters big day and hang in there!!!!

Dear Jeanne -

Thank you.  I'm having a harder time now that my daughter and her husband (I don't think I'll ever get used to that - 'her husband'!) have left.  My whole family was there for the wedding, and everyone was at my mom and dad's Friday, Saturday for the wedding, and Sunday for brunch.  I feel a bit overwhelmed, and now that everyone is gone back home, the quiet and loneliness are settling in again.  It's hard to watch people with their loved one's hugging and holding hands, and while I'm happy for my brothers and my niece (who brought her husband and 9 month old son - what a cutie pie!), I'm still in that rut of my own.  It just keeps on coming back up - that wave like a surge of sadness that comes and washes me back out to sea.  I start teaching tomorrow (I teach part time in a graduate program at a local university) and as much as I love teaching, I find myself wishing I hadn't made this commitment, as I would much rather take a few weeks off and just travel wherever I want; maybe I'm trying to escape or run away, although I am well aware that this pain is something that I cannot escape, but must go through to get to the other side of it.  People live, and then they die.  I always knew on some level I would outlive my Don, but I just wasn't ready for it now.  As glad as I am that he is not suffering any more, my heart just aches for him.  I don't want to be held or hugged or touched by just anyone; I want it to be him.  I cannot imagine myself ever being with anyone else, although I know many people go on to have new, loving relationships.  I don't see that for myself; I don't think I'd ever find anyone who would measure up to Don.  He was just the best that there was.  I know that everyone who misses someone feels that way about their own special someone.  I think one of the things that is hard is that people see me doing better, and then if I'm sad again, or mourning, they seem to wonder why I'm "going backwards."  I don't feel a need to apologize or explain it; I just want to be able to have my feelings and not have to apologize.  I'm a little upset with my brothers right now about some family issues and not be heard, and the expectations that they seem to putting on me right now.  But that's just family stuff, and actually, I'm kind of beyond caring right now how they see me or don't see me.  Anyway, thanks for the kind words re: my daughter and her husband, and your support.  I hope you have a wonderful trip with "the girls."  You are so lucky to have a sister!  I'd love to take a trip with my sister in law and my mom; my mom could really use a break from taking care of my dad, but she won't leave him.  Oh well.  I just hope she doesn't collapse from exhaustion.  Thanks again.  

Oh, Jeanne, I am so sorry.  That sucks.  I hope you recover soon.  Do you have anyone at home to help you when you get there?  Wow, both ankles, too.  I'm so very sorry.  I wonder if I was picking up your pain; yesterday I didn't think I'd ever stop crying.  I finally closed up the house around 7:30, went back to my bedroom, took the medication I take to help me sleep (I have chronic insomnia related to fibromyalgia) and finally calmed down - probably from my meds.  I did sleep.  When I wake up in the mornings, I always feel like there's someone here with me - maybe not in my room, but here in the house.  It's a feeling of comfort, not fear, and then I realize I'm alone and that always sucks.

Well, girl, you take it easy!  As if you had a choice... do you knit?  I'd be glad to send you up some yarn and some needles and an easy pattern... or maybe a book?  Let me know if you need anything.  I'm in Southern CA, but it's still CA!  Take care. 

Barbara -

I am so sorry that your brother's wife is this way; it may be the only way she can bear the loss - to push it out of her existence.  But she is wrong to deprive her children of the memory of their father; and it will come back to bite her someday.  But I am concerned about you- and how this anger might be eating you up inside and doing harm to you.  If you can find a way to release and express and then let go of your anger, it will be better for you in the long run.  I'm not saying don't be angry, because it's normal and natural and I'd probably feel the same way.  I hope that you can get through this somehow.  Big hugs.

September is Childhood cancer awareness month

wear a Gold ribbon for the Children fighting cancer and for those that have earned their wings

 I wear Gold for my ^i^ Jacob 

AML "Leukaemia Sux"  17th June 1991-16th June 2005

Thanks Cynthia and Arielle-My initial reacdtion is anger, i'm better now but I will never understand her wanting to wipe my brothers memory away.Arielle I actually did vomit over this. It does make you sick to your stomach. She won't go on facebook and acknowledge my brother in any way but she could post that shes married. Almost like she wants to rub our faces in it. Last week was my daughters 5th birthday. Why can't she have the kids call.She just wants us all to go away and live with her idea of the perfect family. I feel like shes happy Richie is dead...she got to meet her soulmate and live really well. I mentioned how the harness association raised almost 88 thousand dollars in my brothers name. Her and her new husband now get to enjoy it. When Richie was sick, we became close, now she left me missing Richie and she doesn't even acknowledge he existed.

Barbara - Again, I'm sorry. Was that money that was raised intended for the children, or the whole family, including Richie's wife?  If it was intended for the children, and it's not being given to them, or put in a trust for them, you may be able to get the harness assoc. to do something about it - but I'm not a lawyer and don't really know the process involved.  I get rather worked up when it comes to children and parents who don't put their kids first!  Kids are so defenseless and have such little control over their lives; I believe they need to be heard.  Hang in there, Barbara.  With you as their aunt, in the long run, they'll probably be okay.  Good luck.

Cynthia- it was raised for the children, with the exception of emergencies. She has gotten laser eye surgery, financed her wedding and honeymoon and recently bought a camper for her new family vacations.The harness association can't do anything about the money they gave her for the richie ingrassia fund, but they did raise another 30thousand that they put in a trust(her name is not on it)for the kids. At least we know that they will get that money.Now, as far as her being a good mom, she is. Her kids are clean, well fed and very loved by her. I can't say that she is a bad mom.I just want her to miss my brother. With the 9/11 ceremonies you hear lots of stories. I hear these women still missing their husbands and Kelly doesn't even acknowledge my brother. My family posted on facebook when it was his year and she did not acknowledge him at all, because she was already engaged and into her new life. Now, I do understand that it doesn't make her a bad person, it just hurts my family. The minute she gets married, shes on facebook posting her new married name, it hurst us so much, we still miss our old life. Your right about those kids, because no matter how I feel about her, she doesn't know. I keep everything nicey nice. I still call and where ever I could I throw in a "my brother would be so proud".. She doesn't haved much to say about that. I  let my nephew know that his dad is watching him and proud of his accomplishments. I just wish it would come from her.