Dear Natalie -

I'm sure that what I'm going to say you've already heard, but I'm going to say it anyway.  Your feeling are so very, very normal!  My husband died 8 months ago and there are still days when I want to just lay down and die; my motivation is practically nill and I think the only thing that keeps me going are my two daughters, planning a wedding for one, and enjoying my two grandsons with the other one.  I was so confused and wondering why my husband who was such a wonderful, loved man had to suffer for so long and why he died so young (57).  I finally went and talked to a Rabbi; I'm not religious, and I still don't know what I believe in, but talking with him really helped me.  I've been in therapy mainly because it's the only place I feel really comfortable talking about my grief and really letting go with it, and it's space I can cry and rant and rave and my therapist doesn't try to make it better; she's just there for me.  But the Rabbi explained a lot of the Jewish beliefs about dying, and it did help.  I told him my whole story, and he just listened, and when I was finished, I said, I don't even know what to ask... and he wisely said "an answer doesn't have to begin with a question."  Please find someone you can talk to, or cry to, or just let out the feelings that are burdening you.  If you don't have a therapist, find one.  Or a support group, or something you can go to on a regular basis where you know you'll be heard and no one will try to talk you out of your feelings.  I am sending you hugs and wishing you all the best as you navigate these very choppy waters.  Hang in there.

How you doing Joseph???? Sue

Hi Cynthia dear. I've been away from the internet for almost four days so I'm just now catching up. I really appreciate your concern and understanding. I was away from home for many years and didn't spend enough time with my mom or brother before their deaths. This eats me up inside. I spoke to mom often over the phone and I did my best to be there for her, but still it just feels horrible that I lost so much time with her. Maybe one day, it'll get a little easier, right now its just a horrible nightmare. I really appreciate your uplifting words while you too are enduring so much pain.

Hello, Jeanne, thanks so much for your kind words. I've not checked my messages for a few days now, so I missed this message. Yesterday was especially tough, the only thing that gave me comfort is knowing mom was out of physical and emotional pain. I also took my daughter to the park, and the beauty was breath taking. I imagine mom in a place of indescribably beauty, that brought me some measure of comfort. Mom suffered so many loses in the last five years. Her two sons, her brother and sister and her best friend. I cannot even imagine the grief she was dealing with. I can picture her with dad, her three sons her sibblings, her mom and dad, my niece and nephew. I know she's having a great reunion with all of them. My brothers all died very young and I know it was devastating for her. Mom though was a woman of strong conviction, you would never have known that she was grieving. She showed incredible strength and grace in all the loss. I remember her consoling all of us, not in the least bit bitter. I try to draw on moms strength whenever I feel like I can't go on. Thanks all for reading and for all your support, it means the world to me.

Thanks so much for your support.  If it weren't for this website, grief counceling and group (i go to real group too) I would go insane.  I just feel so alone sometimes,like no one understands what I'm going though.  I'm not trying to milk my grief to make people feel bad for me, but sometimes I feel like people are losing patience with me.    My mom died on 052111, she just died alittle over a month ago.  It still hurts. It will always hurt. Why can't people understand that grief isn't something one just 'gets over'.   

  I feel like my husband wants me to go back to 'normal'.  I know he loves me, but i'm tired of begging for his attention.  He'll spend more time with me for like a day, then a couple of days letter, he'll be right back to the way it was, leaving me feeling alone again.  I'm tired of this.  I'm tired of everything.  I feel like I'm going crazy.  

Joseph is numb right now. I'm seeking professional help tomorrow. Not much else to say right now. To Sue: I imagine what you're feeling is very much like what Cara's children are feeling. They've begun calling, after reading her journals, to say they're so blessed to have had me care for their mother. I can't begin to say how important that is. Someone GETS it.

 

Peace....

Dear Joseph and Sue,
My condolences to you and to everyone. This sites helps a lot. My Denise passed away two years in September and I am still struggling. I am on medication (wellbutrin and venlafaxine)and it helps greatly with my sobbing. I have been in therapy since December of 09 (two months after Denise passed). My therapist say I suffer from Post traumatic stress disorder. Denise and I were about to get married when she was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. We just got home from a vacation in India when we were given the bad news and she had emergency surgery. She passed 4 months later. I still cry, get angry, feel lonely, miss her, etc.
I thank all my friends here for making me welcome and like part of a family.

Hello Friends,

Such support, thank you. Today I smelled a candle and it reminded me of how mom smelled. I broke down. I am kind of in a numb state and then suddenly I crash. I am praying and asking for the Lord to guide me. I have given it up to God as the saying goes. Every day is so hard to just deal with people who are so mean and negative. I want to scream at them "My darling mother just died from cancer you a-holes"!!!!!!!!!

Hi Joseph,

I know exactly how you feel, i lost my beautifull wife Margi last year April 19th also to pancreatic cancer. We were married originally in 1992 and had a stormy marraige as my wife was a singer and entertainer and my jealousy sometimes went overboard. We were seperated for a brief spell and then re-united and then re-located to a different area to start a different business venture. We had the business for 5 years , during this time she was still singing at night to help our struggling business to survive. After a joint decision we got divorced in December 2005. We remained close and good friends the whole time visiting each other regularly. I even offered to help her move to a new house and to take extended leave to renovate the new home she was moving to in 2008 when she let me know she was diagnosed with acute pancreatitus and that the doctors were worried about a growth on the pancreas. I resigned my job and moved down to her again becuase she has and were allwyas going to be the love of my life. It was devestating to hear when the doctors gave us the news that the growth was malignant. I was shocked and confused...the doctors gave her 6 to 9 months and we all had to prepare for it as she refused any kind of treatment especially when she found out about the effect of chemo and radio therapy and that the success rate for this specific cancer was extremely low to none existent. February 2009 came and she was still looking and feeling reasonably healthy and after checking with the consulting doctors they were surprised to see and hear that she was still alive . They went through all the history and paperwork and gave us even more shocking news, she had been misdiagnosed and that she was one of a small percentage that shows all the signs even with the biopsies but it wasn't cancer and that we could go ahead and enjoy the rest of our lives, in the meantime we had remarried in December 2008 because we both knew we have and were allways meant to be together. She lived with some discomfort which the doctors ascribed to having had to put in a stent because of the pancreatitus she had that made her jaundiced. The pain got worse as time went on and on boxing day 26 December 2009 i had to rush her through to casualty as the pain was unbearable. They diagnosed a blocked stent and in january 2010 she went in to have the old one removed and a new one put in. The pain never really got any better and beginning April i had to take her back in for a checkup and to see what else could be done to alleviate the pain. Once again i got the shocking news which i couldn't believe, now it was full blown late stage pancreatic cancer...how could this be, we were assured she didn't have it and now she has late stage..I couldn;t react and phoned and called all different doctors to find out about what can be done.. Notthing i was told she had weeks maybe days left and to get hold of hospice to prepare her and get her comfortable at home. I couldn;t be strong anymore and broke down especially after seeing her after the prognosis. Our little life was broken and i was going to lose her. 13 days later she was gone, forever and no longer in our lives. I miss her every day and there is so many thing that remind me of her every day. It is not easy and it doesn't even feel if it is getting better but we learn to adapt and survive. Stay strong and allways know that she will be in your heart and in your mind and no one can take that away.

Jan, We travel similar roads. A client of mine (a rather thoughtful one), sent me this to ponder today. Here it is:

 

"Pain is a reminder of how much we loved the one we lost.  Look at the depth of pain as an inverse measurement that shows your capacity for love."

 

It moved me, and has really helped in the really hard times.

 

today is my brother's second birthday without us. not the least bit easier than the first. in a lot ways much much worse. not strong at all today. feeling broken,alone in my grief.

Barbra,

  I understand, it's 11 years since my grandfather passed, and his birthday is always difficult for me. I cannot say it will be easier, but I always wish him a happy birthday and have a piece of cake in his honor. 

Barbara you're not alone.

End of week 1 with no vehicle. The kids took both for "assessment"  prior to settling the estate. I'm told it will be another month until that happens. I have to move in 7 days. I can't go get boxes to pack, or look for a place to live without one. Guess I'm just f'd.

Dear Joseph -  I don't know where you live, but 9 years together might have given you some rights, at least as a business partner.  You might want to check into Common Law marriage and see if your relationship qualified.  You must have some rights to that property.  I know it's not the material things you want, but there's also about what you need just to go on being able to live and earn a living.  Good luck.

 

Sue; I'm having the same feelings as you. I just want to get out of this body and be with mom. The last three days were the worst. There were so many triggers and all I could do was cry. I have a 21 month old and she brings me comfort but no matter how much I love her, I don't want to be in this world. I mistakenly took sleeping pills overdose and it occured to me that I could die. I was so happy to know I could die and end the pain but that was not to be. I really don't want to be alive, living is punishment; a nightmare.

Natalie, you and Sue have taken words out of my mouth. I feel the same way, I'm angry and just want to die, thats all. I just want to die.

Mercy - it is so normal to want the pain to stop!  So do you want the pain to stop, or do you really want to be dead?  Think about your children and family and friends who love you.  I DO understand.  There have been many days I've looked at my sleeping "cocktail" of drugs and wonder how much would I need to take to not wake up?  And then I think, would my Don want that?  No.  What would my daughters, my parents and my loved ones go through if I did that?  I have to assume because you are on here, you aren't actually going to commit a suicidal act.  But it the feelings are overwhelming you, please seek immediate help.  You are in the world for a reason - I truly believe that.  We may not all know what our reason is, but there is one.  But that doesn't mean I don't have melt downs, any just lay on the bed sobbing so much it physically hurts and I'm hoarse all the next day, and I just keep thinking, I want to die; G-d, please take me, too... 

 

Don has been in my dreams almost every night.  I am suddenly have an attack of insomnia even with my "cocktail" and my hypnosis cd (which is the great; the best one I've found).  I wake up wondering where he is and what he's doing and why isn't he here in bed with me, where he belongs?  It's not like I forget he's dead; it's just weird that I feel him so present that I wonder where he is.  He's out of pain, he's not suffering, and I know he's still around me, watching me.  Someday we'll all evolve to the point where we can telepathically communicate with those who have left this world for another; but that day is so far off, we won't be here to see it.  Then there are those who can do that... they call themselves "mediums" or "psychics."  I wouldn't believe in that, except my daughter was psychic when she was little (too long a story), and my other daughter and I always seem to call one another when the other is just getting ready to call.  My mom and I always seem to know what each of us is going to say - still, even since I've grown up and am almost 60 years old!  I do believe we all have a "sixth sense;" we just don't all know how to keep it active.  

I wish you all a lot of peace and healing and good things.  This is all so hard; and it sucks. 

Mercy, I am really worried about you. I know you miss your mom terribly but if you feel that you really want to be dead, you need to seek help. You have a baby that needs and loves you and she would be in  the same situation you are now if you were to do something rash. Please seek professional help! Even if you need to be hospitalized briefly please get help.

I miss my husband terribly, it is just 7 months but never have I wanted to die. Hurray for me right. I cry everyday and cannot imagine the future without him, but know I must go on. The way you are talking is very concerning. We all grieve in different ways and different time frames. Who knows how long it may be, I don't think it ever goes away, but you need to go on living and get stronger for you and the rest of your loved ones. Please contact a help line and tell them what you are feeling!!!!! They will help you if you let them. You are in my prayers.

Mercy I agree with Jeanne. I understand that the world seems like a scary, chaotic place when something like this happens. It doesn't make sense and it makes you feel like, if this can happen anything terrible can happen at any time.

I went through a very difficult time about six months after my brother passed. I started having panic attacks, and then the panic just wouldn't go away. I couldn't stop thinking about how terrible he suffered, how poorly he was treated at the hospital, horrible images and memories burned into my brain that I could not turn off.

I had already been seeing a therapist once a week but I realized I need more help. I was scared that I was really losing control, worried that I would never get out from under this horrible cloud that had descended on me. I have never been so scared in my life. So I immediately made an appointment with a psychiatrist. She diagnosed me as having PTSD and panic disorder. And she totally validated everything I was saying and feeling and assured me that in time I will find a new normal and although life will never be the same without my brother and you never truly "get over it" you do find a way to go on.

I started taking an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety medication. It helped right away. I'm not the kind of person to rely on pills for the rest of my life, but I know that I could not go on right now without this help. I also have a young child and there is no way I could take care of him in the condition I was in.

There are so many options out there for support and help. You just have to pick up the phone and make some calls to figure out the right course of action.

I don't know if time heals. I think that time allows us to come to terms with the loss, and figure out how to live with it. And although I'm not religious or even particularly spiritual I do get this strong feeling sometimes that I will see my brother again one day, that all of the memories and the love we had between us, and all of the suffering he and all of us left behind have endured could not be for nothing.

Oh, and one last thing. If you haven't tried it already, something that sometimes helps me to alleviate some heavy feelings is to actually speak out loud to my brother. I like to do this in the car, looking straight ahead, talking as if he were sitting right there next to me. You might surprise yourself with what you need to say.

Take care.

I have to agree with Jeanne and Arielle.  I talk to Don; I just look at his picture and talk.  Or sometimes I talk to him when his picture isn't right in front of me.  

Today in therapy, I actually said that "I'm not seeing my grieving as a full time activity anymore..." which was actually very positive.  Yes, I want my Don back; yes I'd do anything to make it happen, but I know it can't.  I ache for him, I'm lonely and I can't imagine ever, ever being with another man.  But I am starting to feel that I need something goal-directed to make use of my time with.  I'm trying to relax, learn to alleviate my stress, to be more mindful and be open to the answers that are out there somewhere.   I just need to find them.  And as much as some of us would like it not to, life does go on.  But working with your feelings, expressing them, talking to the walls, or whatever, developing rituals, whatever works for you - it does help.  Please hang in there.  Your daughter needs you.  

 

Not a lot of hope in sight, but, at least, some direction. I think I've been guided to a solution. The next day or so will provide, hopefully, the rest of the info. I'll try to keep things posted.... no promises.

 

I just can't wait to hold her again.

Joseph, as long as there is a glimmer of hope things are on the up. I do know how you feel and can only say take everyday as it comes, no one can tell you when and how things will get better it's up to you to fight the feelings of despair,anger,loneliness and fear by having a good cry and leting all those emotions come out. No amount of talking or hoping for some kind of comfort from other people is going to take away the hurt you feel. Venting on here or just getting support from other wonderfull people on here certainly does help. We all are brought together by the loss of kindred spirits and people in our lives, please talk it out before doing anything irrational as we as a group can help each other through community strength and togetherness.
Peace my friend and keep us posted.

Joseph - I can also say I would love nothing more than to hold my husband again, but it is not up to me when that happens; I have to let go of my fear and trust the universe will decide when that time is right.  Please, please, get some professional help with your grief.  I am very concerned by your post that you are going to do something irrational and end your life yourself; we all act irrationally, or at least have those feelings and thoughts when we lose the person we love the most.  But there must be people in your life who would grieve for you as you do for your beloved.  I understand it hurts more than you ever imagined it would, and you want that hurt to end.  Do you really want to be dead, or just ease the pain?  I have to tell you I am a licensed psychotherapist; in all of my years working with people who have lost their true love, their soul mate, I have learned a lot from them; and when I lost my Don - my one true love, my soul mate, I never knew anything could hurt so much or so deep.  But I have also learned that grief is not something you get over; and you can't go under; it's something you go through.  And when it feels like your heart has been ripped from your chest, and you think you'll never get out of bed again, somehow something pulls you back up, and you get through just one more day, or hour, or minute - whatever it takes.  And you ask yourself "what would he/she want for me now?"  And for me at least, the answer has been, he would want me to go on and be here for our girls and our grandsons; he would want me to live a good live and be strong and go on; but he would forgive the days I meltdown and understand, and on those days, I can feel him holding me.  I'm not "over" my grief; I'll never be "over" it.  I'm tearing up now as I write this.   I have to work at it a lot; but less now than when he first left this life.  He's not suffering now, he's in a better place, and that thought gets me through many days.  Please, please, think about this.  I understand how much this hurts, I think all of us on this page do.  There are times I know he is here with me; I can feel his presence as if it fills the room.  Do you have a religious person you can talk to?  Most areas at least have a hospice that offers free counseling, or a Wellness Community maybe that has free support groups.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE!  As much as you feel alone, and there is nothing left for you, there is something to come, something positive, something in THIS life.  Please keep posting.  I know I can say "we" care here.

Please bear with me everyone. I'm trying to catch up on the messages here. I've had a very rough week, crying hysterically daily, sometimes in front of my baby girl. I THANK you all for your support, I'll respond soon.

Mercy - no worries.

 

Hi Cynthia, Jeanne, Arielle and everyone. thank you so much for your words of support. Its true, I just want the pain to stop, but I also don't want to have to live with the knowledge that I'll never see my mom or brother anymore. I've lived abroad for several years so I was away from them both and from everyone else. When my brother, my best friend (43) died  suddenly last year, I was paralyzed by grief, for 10 months then moms cancer came back and I totally forgot I had lost my brother, I started having anitcipatory grief over mom. Now reality has hit that they are both gone, I can't get back all those years apart, I can't go back and change a thing; its so,so painful. I tried taking anti-depressants last year but it didn't help. I may try a different brand, just for the sake of my little girl. I feel devastated that a 21 month old should be consoling her mother. When I break down, she gives me the tightest hugs and pats on my back, she even tries to feed me out of her bottle. I've pushed everyone away (including my husband) and she's the only person I spend time with when I'm not at work. Coming to this site is a real help and I think I started going downhill after I was away from here for over a week. I can't do individual therapy since I feel so uncomfortable sharing my grief face to face with someone else. This is the one place where I feel at ease and I feel like everyone understands and isn't judgemental. God Bless you all and I promise, I'll not do anything to hurt myself.

How do we go on? I am very lost without my mom

Tara and others - Tara, that's the question I think we all ask; How do I go on without you (your loved one) and why can't I just not wake up one day?  And every day, I wake up anyway.  I'm at a place now where waking up each day isn't so bad; I've been able to keep myself busy, and I am blessed to have a healthy, beautiful new grandson who I see twice a week - this week 3 times as I'm baby sitting him right now, and I think sometimes we have to really work at finding something to keep us going.  As I've often said on this site, I never knew anything could hurt so much and so deeply as when my husband died.  I sat with for three days, watching him die and I was prepared, but I wasn't.  I was prepared to lose him, but he'd suffered so very much it was a relief for him.  i was numb for a month before the pain and anger and agony set in.  I don't have meltdowns anymore, but it still hurts and I'm terribly lonely, and I miss him like I never knew I could.  But I'm able to move on at last; I have a beautiful new grandson, and I listed our house for sale.  That's hard - I have mixed feelings.  I do feel ready; I can't afford it, it's too big for just one person, and I'm so lonely here.  I'm not sure where I'll go to settle, but I'll rent something for a time while I think about it. 

Back to the question:  How do we go on?  One step at a time.  We somehow just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and we just do.  A few years ago my brother was very ill and on a respirator for about 2 weeks.  They had to take him back into surgery, and my sister-in-law was told he may not survive the surgery, but he wouldn't survive without it, so she said then do it.  She asked me "how do you do this?" because my husband had Crohn's Disease (for 30 years - before he had cancer) and I didn't know what to say, except what I just said above; just one foot in front of the other.  That wasn't the answer she wanted.  I think she wanted what we all want - an easy solution to the most terrible time of our lives  Does anyone have it?  I don't.  But somehow, we manage.  We have each other, and that helps.  This site has been a tremendous help to me - a place to write it out and vent, and hear what others are going through and that I'm really not alone, as alone as I often feel.  And, oh, my brother is fine today. He has a few minor cognitive changes but you wouldn't  notice them if you didn't know him; he's an emergency room doctor, and he needs his cognitive skills!   So I want to say a big Thank You to everyone here, just for being here, for not giving up on yourselves and for allowing me to get this all out.  Thank you.

Thanks Cynthia for all the encouragement you give us. With every post I read here, what I'm going through makes more and more sense. When mom was ill, everyone in my huge immediate and extended family worried so much about how her death would affect me. When she passed; I seemed so strong and they all felt encouraged by my demeanor. I think I was just in shock and now its all hitting me. I cry so much and think about her every waking moment. Sometimes before I go to sleep, I have the worst thoughts. last night I was watching tv and there was a show preview on the profession of crime scene clean ups and decomposing bodies. I almost drove myself crazy thinking about  moms body decomposing, I tried eating meat after that and I couldn't. I had to take powerful pills just to get four hours of sleep. My heart feels so heavy and I'm physically sick from the pain of losing mom. I don't know how I've made it the last two months. Thanks for listening.

Mercy.

Dear Mercy -

Hang in there.  Your strength has gotten you through a lot of this, and it will come back.  Just when you think you can't do one more thing, or survive one more hour, you will.  I understand how hard this is.  i haven't lost my mom; I'm lucky to still have her - she's 86.  But losing my husband taught me what I just told you.  That strength is in there.  And it is not at all unusual to feel physically what you are going through emotionally.  It happens to everyone, and most of us turn our emotional pain into physical pain.  Just hang in.

My heart goes out to all of us going through this terrible ordeal. Cynthia I can relate to the problems with your husband's Crohn's disease, as I have suffered from it for 43 years. It is a difficult disease to deal with and for the partner it is exhausting. I am now having some problems and have to see a Colectoral surgeon on Monday. Hopefully I haven't gone too far over this time with it. Whatever will be will be though. I also am selling my house. Our plan was for Harry to retire and we were moving to Gettysburg Pa and that was what I was going to do. Two weeks ago my grandson asked me why I was moving so far and why not move near them. I started to say it was because that is what grandpa and I planned and suddenly realized that grandpa is gone and I would be alone in Pa and my grandchildren would be here. I need to have a new chapter in my life. It is hard to adjust to that but I have to. I am going to be moving, but closer to my grandkids and in the same state. I feel like I am doing better than I was although when I was at the gastro drs. office yesterday and was explaining about my husband I broke down. I know that it is normal, but try not to if I can help it. I cry alone a lot and try to make sense of them.

All I can say to everyone from what I am learning is to live for today and make the most of it with the people that are here. They are the ones that you need now as they need you. As I write this I am getting ready to leave for a wake of a former co worker that  last Sunday had a stroke and was getting better and suddenly this Sunday just died. She was only 64. That is such a terrible shock to lose someone so suddenly. The last time I talked to her we were going to get together for lunch with some other old co workers and never did. Why not, because we are all so busy we never make time. I feel so bad that I never got to spend the time with her and I could have. Yesterday I made a trip to the office to see the few people that are left that were not down sized. It was so good to see them and made a promise to get together soon. I believe we will after the news about our friend. I will probably see 35 people I used to work with tonight. It should not have to be at a wake, it should be for dinner or something fun. Take time to do it now and don't wait for the phone call everyone dreads.

We will all get through this somehow in our own time, but don't let it make you miss out on the living that love you while grieving for those that have passed on.

Cynthia, congratulations on your grandson. Mom had 32 grandkids (two of whom passed at a very young age). they visited her constantly and it kept her so happy and vibrant. I have comfort knowing that one of her main wishes came true and that was for me to have a baby before she left this world. She loved all of us so much and  had the biggest heart of anyone I know. Its so painful that that chapter of our life is over and now all we have are memories. All the same, I thank God for giving me such a precious mom.

Am I wrong in feeling lost and alone? It is ever going to get easier?

I feel so sad reading what everyone is going through, so much suffering. It's so hard. And there are no answers to all these questions, why did this happen to my family, how can life possibly go on? I still ask myself these questions sometimes. I can't help it. But one thing i know is that there will never be adequate answers. I try to let myself feel whatever it is I'm feeling, sad, angry, guilty. Things really fell apart when I wasn't letting myself experience these feelings. I spent a lot of time alone in the first few months after my brother passed. Not an east task when you have a very busy two year old to attend to and are constantly running into friends in the neighborhood. I was vert honest. And when I felt more able to be around people my friends were there with open arms (most of them). I still have moments where I can't handle big groups of people, worrying that if I start to get sad I won't be able to express it.
The bottom line is, you have to do whatever it is you need to do to take care of yourself. But you cannot get through this alone. We all need help. Whatever that means, shrinks, groups, pills. Do something. I wouldn't have survived this experience if I didn't have my sister to talk to.
Love to you all.

It will be two years in Sept and for me it hasn't really gotten any easier. Anti depressants help with the constant sobbing but the saddness, lonliness, heartbreak is still very fresh.

Dear Anne - You asked is it ever going to get easier?  I wish I could answer that question for you, but it's so hard.  Men seem to have a harder time recovering from loss of a spouse or partner; they are more likely to remarry if they had a good marriage, while women are more likely to stay single when widowed after a good marriage.  Who knows.  My neighbors mom died a few years ago, and after Don died, her father told me "it doesn't get any easier."  But I have to admit, for me it is getting easier.  Easier to accept, and easier to cope.  But that's me; I've made a point of going to therapy each week since before Don died.  There were many times I couldn't make it because of his being in the hospital or something, but that happens.  My therapist has been one of my rocks.  The others have been my family and my friends who allowed me to let it out, who left me alone when I needed to be alone, and didn't when I thought I did, but actually needed company.  And my daughters, who have been so amazingly grownup (well, they are grownup!) but didn't put it all on me to take care of them, and also understood that I'm the mom, and I don't want them taking care of me, but were still there for me when I needed to just break down.  Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling like I'm moving on; but I know this is what Don wanted for me - to survive and be strong and move on.  And I swear he's here most of the time, watching over me and letting me know it's okay.  Thanks

The sad thing is we all want it to get better, or easier and .....The other part of this is we don't want it to get better because we don't want to forget our loved ones. If we smile or laugh and move away from the pain a little,we realize this is what life is. This is now our reality and we have to live with it.Our new reality has pain in it, everyday,every second, it never leaves. The hole in our hearts travel with us whereever we go.So is feeling the pain our way of holding on to the ones we love, because none of us want to forget. I'm just feeling philosophical today.

My husband died 6 months ago tomorrow. I'm already feeling sad. I've been doing better the last month God has been helping me. I hope I don't get on a downward Trend. I am going to go to work, find someone to go out lunch with then find someone to out to dinner with. I used to have someone to do everything with, we had so much fun together, now everything is an effort - even going out to dinner. I miss him.

Jackie -

Of course you are feeling sad.  I still feel sad even when it's not an anniversary or any special date - but yeah, those special dates are harder.  I know what you mean, too, about having to make the effort to find someone to "do things" with; just the other night I was sitting here thinking about how that space on the other end of the sofa is empty and where he used to sit, and how lonely it is now.  I've been doing very well - it will be 9 months on the 12th, which is just a few days away; sometimes I feel like if I'm feeling "better",  am I betraying him?  Although I know I'm not; I know he wanted me to move on and not be sad all the time.  He said to me, "I know you'll be okay because you're a strong woman, and you're a survivor...."  Not really what I wanted to hear.  I didn't want to be strong, and I didn't want to survive without him.  Saturday I packed up his clothes and gave them to Goodwill; except for some things that are special to me or my daughters; I wear his flannel shirts; I wear his bathrobe; I know my daughter's will want some of his sweatshirts, and they both asked me to keep his ties (that one I don't really get... he rarely wore a tie anymore, even at work...) but I want to make quilts for the girls from them.  Anyway, it's hard.  Sometimes it's harder, and then there are days where it's easier.  I put the house up for sale, because it's time.  It's too big for just me, and it's too costly.  And I want to relocate somewhere less urban and more in the country.  But that's a whole other kettle of fish... Anyway, I really just wanted to chime in and let you know, I understand.  It's hard.

Jackie, I had my six month in June and it fell on our wedding anniversary as well so I really know how you feel. I have been somewhat better since that milestone. Sept 4th is the anniversary of the night we met and I am leaving on a jet plane for Lake Tahoe with my sister and sister in law to have a little get away from grief time. I know he would want me to go, so I won't feel guilty that I am having a little fun. It still seems so unreal. I am actually rethinking selling my house now. It just doesn't seem to matter as much and my sister has decided to stay in this state and we will continue to live together, so I am not so alone. I am also fortunate to have my son and his family nearby. I guess time will be the healer for us all. To us!

Funny how we are all going through the same feelings and considering the same life changes. I have rearranged my house as much as I can to make it seem different. I have thought about selling, but it's to soon and not the right time. I also try to get away when a special time arrives. You just made
Me realize that it will be 9 months on our anniversary also, Nov 10. Hadn't occurred to me. This is a hard year all around. Thanks for responding you make me feel better and not alone in this.

Jackie - I had wanted to list my house a few months ago, and talked to the agent (who thankfully is also a friend and very understanding) but when I came home, I looked at the walls and if as if they talked to me and said "it's not time..." so I called her and told her I wasn't ready, and she understood.  This time, when I decided to list it, it felt right, and it still does.  Giving away his clothes also felt like the right time.  As I was folding them and putting  them in bags, I talked to him and said "they're just things; they aren't you, and I will always love you" and I know if he were here, he would have agreed, but then I can also hear him saying "yeah, but they're MY things!" and laughing because he would have been making a joke.  I will eventually have a garage sale, but it doesn't feel right to sell Don's things.  He wouldn't have wanted that; he would have wanted them donated.  

Jackie, our anniversary was also on a "10th" but in February.  He died Nov. 12; some days we never forget, and yes, it is hard year round.  There is always something.  We met on October 6th; I always had to ask him "what was the date we met?" because for some reason, I could never remember. But there will always be some date that was special; we decided to get married the Sunday after Thanksgiving that year, and were married Feb. 10 in 1979.  That was 4 months from the day we met.  And we made it almost 32 years.  So I hold that in my memory, and I hold him in my heart.  And yes, it does get easier.  When my Don died, my neighbor's dad, who had lost his wife about 2 years before said to me, "It doesn't get any easier." (not a good thing to say to someone who just lost the  love of their life!)  He still has her clothes and everything else - he hasn't changed anything.  It's been a while now; but I say, it does get easier.  If you let yourself have your feelings, and you express them anyway it works for you, and you work though the grief, it does get easier.  If you stuff those feelings down because it hurts too much, where are they going to go?  They're going to stay with you, and you won't be able to get through it.  Grief is a process; it's hard, it hurts and it sucks, but it's there.  Sometimes it is so in you face there's nothing you can do to escape it, and you just have to yell and scream and sob at it - you have to work at it sometimes but it does get better.  You have to trust and believe and ask yourself what would your loved one have wanted for you after they were gone?  To drown in sorrow and be paralyzed with grief and pain, or to work through it and move on?  I know this may sound harsh to some of you, but it's the only way that I know; it may not be the right way for everyone.  I just know what works for me.  And a good therapist, friend, support group - another person to bear witness to your grief really does help.  Well, I'm really full of words this morning, aren't I?  Thanks for listening.

Hi,

   Since my mom died in May of this year, its been really difficult dealing with the loss.  However, I feel as though I'm making progress, the pain is still pretty fresh.  When I wen to her house today, all the memories came flooding back, but it wasn't as better as it has been in the past.  For the first time since she died , I was finally able to really relax and enjoy being around my family. 

   Death is so final. It wouldn't be so bad if I could just talk with her again, you know?  I hope and pray that she's in a better place.  I really hope that there's a heaven, because she deserves to be in beautiful place.  She deserved to be at peace and free of pain.

 

natalie, rest assured, your mom is at peace, as is my mom....she really is....im glad you can relax now, its so hard, i went through that whole grieving process, but im ok now....its not as painful anymore.....and you can talk to her, maybe not physically, but i still talk to my mom, but i understand....hang in there.....i believe she is in a beautiful place, im sure that she is....i know there is a heaven, i just know it, when my mom passed, i knew thats exactly where she was going....it was very peaceful....peace to you hun

 

Hey Everyone,
Thanks so much for your kind words and support. Lemme ask you guys a question. When it comes to your loss, do you feel that sometimes people are getting frustrated with you? Does it feel like you're not "getting over it" quickly enough? I don't know if its just me, but lately I've been feeling that way. I work in a really high pressure, fast paced job, and it feels like folks are like, "So you're mom died. Awww, that's too bad. Anyways...."
I wouldn't treat people this way, so I have to wonder, why are some people so insensitive.
Natalie

Hi Natalie-
I know how you feel. People are generally uncomfortable around the subject of death. And especially if theyve never experienced the loss of someone so close. I think you cannot wrap your head around this kind of loss until it happens in your own life.
After my brother passed, I just knew I had to give myself a break and not let anybody else dictate to me what my grieving process was going to be like. This is a time when you should be completely selfish. You have to take care of yourself, whatever that may mean. Sometimes it will be spending a lot of time alone. Sometimes it will mean needing a close friend to listen to you tell the story again just because you need to get it out. Jut be honest with yourself and the people around you. And accept that most people have no clue what it's like to experience this type of loss.
Stay strong and take care of yourself.

Dear Natalie,
I talk about frequently with my therapist. Friends and family cannot always understand. I lost my fiancée after a short four month battle with colon cancer. No one I know has experienced that. I watched as she got worse and felt totally helpless and worthless. After she passed my life fell apart. It will be two years next month and today I cried really hard and had what my therapist calls a "post traumatic stress disorder flashback. We all grieve in our own way. I reccommend a good therapist you can talk to without feeling anything but better. No shame no guilt no negative feelings, someone who understands.

With love
mike

Sometimes you have to tell someone, "you know, I miss my Mom/brother/son/husband and I'm not over it yet. I'm still grieving.". If they cannot understand, oh well. You say that's the way it is. It is not a switch that I can just turn off.

You are so right Michael. Some people cannot deal with the grieving and when I talk about my husband sometimes, some look like they are uncomfortable. My close friends and my family are fine and all loved my husband and understand. I think most people just don't know what to say after a while. Monday was two years since I took my husband to the hospital and found out he had a brain tumor. It was a really hard day and I did a lot of crying in the car. I try to hide it from people that would not know what to say, but it comes out and it is good. I posted something on facebook on Monday about if you have lost someone to cancer or know someone fighting it to repost this. I did and I added the part about the 2 year thing and how much I miss him. My close friends all wrote something and said some memory about Harry. The others and I do consider them friends were silent and that is ok. Everyone is different. I find I talk about Harry a lot and I am good with that, but some others again don't know what to say. It is a crazy place we are all in and I believe whatever it takes to get yourself through it is ok and the hell with anyone else.