Arielle- I know..my sister inlaw just wants the kids to forget their daddy. She meet someone 6 months after Richie died. That guy didn't work out and there was someone else 2 weeks later. She is now getting married to this guy in Sept. Right now she lets us see the kids if we make the effort. i just spent 16 hrs in the car, got a motel room and spent a small fortune, she wouldn't even let the kids come back to the motel(which had a nice swimming pool). I finally got my neice and nephew driving home from breakfast..so I had about 7 minutes to let them know that we will never forget their father. That even though their new step dad to be does seem like a nice guy and its ok to like him, he will never be their daddy. My nephew needed to hear it so bad because their mother just dusts off her pants and keeps moving on.We asked if we can have the kids for a week in the summer and she said no. So I told my nephew in 10 yrs when he could drive, we are going to buy him a car so he can come whenever he wants. She can try all she wants my nephew is NOT forgetting his dad and that is all that matters to us. Arielle, your brothers kids are going to get older, I know they miss their dad and your family..just know that is the truth..make every effort you can to see them, even if its through a fence at a playground. they probably need all of you. Worst of all for me, after Richie died the horseman racing association(which richie was a part of) raised almost 90 thousand for Richie's kids..Well all I can say is my sister in law is living large with their money..huge wedding, expensive wedding rings, cruise for her honeymoon, laser eye surgery. new caravan,trip to disney for her new man(he has 2 kids), and an alaskan cruise. That is not her money to spend, but we can't do a damn thing about it. I do plan to tell the kids when their older and planning for college how their mother spent all their money. She has to live with herself, and I know my brother would be extremely disappointed with her. I'm bitter, can you tell. On the other hand, seeing those kids heels my heart( for a little while). until I can see them again, I will remain on this natural high of seeing them and knowing how bad they wanted me to take them back to new york. She can't stop that no matter how many times she tells us no. Love to you all...10 steps forward, 12 back..we will all get there someday.

Sorry have been out of the loop for a bit.  My son just moved out to his apartment about an hour and a half from us.  He is starting college and playing basketball for this particular college and needed to start a month earlier than classes start.  So all of this hit me at once.  I always think I am the strong one, the one that takes care of everybody, the one that never gets sick, the one that always has the answers.  I prayed that my mother would make it to see her first grandchild graduate, go to prom and go off to college.  The ache I feel is so great that at times I become so angry and confused and just want to get in the car and drive and drive.  I sob uncontrollably sometimes.  People tell me to remember the happy times and unfortunately, this is what makes me sad.  The fact that I CAN'T do those things with her anymore.  I am not a terribly religious person but I do believe in God and I do believe that miracles happen.  I just don't understand why he felt it was ok to take my mom when I wasn't finished enjoying her. 
For this I am terribly angry.  But all of your wonderful posts have helped me understand that I am not the only one suffering and that in time, we all must go.  It has taught me to embrace every second I have with everyone in my life because I will never get that time back.

Donna - your comment, "People tell me to remember the happy times..."  Those are people, as you know, who have no idea what is like to lose someone you love deeply.  Personally, I've been having a very hard time lately.  My daughter was here from NYC for two weeks to finish plans for her Sept. wedding, and we talked about how to remember her dad; I am so sad that the won't be there to walk her down the aisle.  She wants just an empty chair, and said we'll know what it means, and no one else has to.  Be we wanted something else; something on it.  So we came up with the idea of having an extra boutineer made, and just putting that on a chair next to where I will sit for the ceremony.  I'll be walking her down the aisle; I suggested she ask one of her uncles (there are 4 of them) but she said, no, she wants me, as I guess I'm the next best thing to Dad.  So it's been very hard,  making these plans without him here.  Our older daughter planned her whole wedding herself, and I wasn't really involved in it, but this seems different.  My younger daughter seems to want more of my input, for which I am grateful!  But her living in NY, and having the wedding here in California is also different.  

Today I woke up, and was looking for my husband.  I have many nights where I'm so sure he was there in bed with me, and I look around and wonder where he is, and it's been over 7 months now.  But even tho I have fewer "melt down" days, and now it seems like it's been a long time since I've had one, I find it so hard to find purpose in my life.  I had to give up my little dog last month, and it broke my heart, but he was sick and I just couldn't afford to keep him - emotionally as well as financially.  He has a temporary home at the vet's office, where he as become a sort of mascot there (I speak to the woman who is caring for him when she's at the office, and she has a bond with him).  He will find another home; people told me we got that dog to help me through a rough period, and now it's time for him to move on and help someone else who needs him. And I do believe that's his calling.  And he did help me, immensely.  But I miss my Don, and I want him back.  But I am glad he isn't suffering anymore, and he is out of the pain which plagued him more than 1/2 his life (he had Crohn's Disease, but it was cancer that ended his life).  He was so much stronger, emotionally, than he realized.  He wasn't a complainer, and he didn't moan and whine about being sick; he just dealt with it.  Only at the very end, one night before he died, he said "I hate this."  I wasn't sure what he meant, because he was beginning to become less and less lucid; but I think he meant being dependent on us for his needs, and not having the strength to get out of bed anymore.  All I could to was offer sympathy and empathy, and hold him when I could - if it didn't hurt.  It seemed like those last few days, touching him hurt him, so I only would hold his hand or lay a hand on his wrist if he didn't complain about that.  I apologize to the squeamish in advance, but his blood wasn't clotting, and he began to bleed from his nose and gums, and when I'd wipe the blood away, it seemed to hurt him because he would protest - just a moan or a groan - he couldn't actually say that it hurt, but I knew it did.  So when he died, I climbed into his bed and just held him for as long as I could, until the mortuary came to take him.  And now, 7+ months later, I keep replaying those last few days in my head.  I don't know why that's happening now, but it is.  Sometimes I go into our bedroom and I can just feel his presence; the room is full of it sometimes.  And those times I wake up feeling him, well, I do believe he has been visiting.  I'd give anything to just hold him one more time and it not hurt him.  I miss him so much,  I don't know what to do with myself.  Thanks.

remember the happy times for me doesnt work, i have a vague memory of my mom, somehow it just all turned off....probably god's way of protecting me from deep grief....right now im just trying to make it, im not doing well in any way, and not sure how to keep it together....feeling real bad, dont know why.....not coping, wanting to give up, cant pass time well....

Rachel -

I know exactly what you mean; if you read my post below yours, I'm back in that same place.  I say "back" because I was doing better and functioning, and lately I seem to find myself feeling lost; wanting the time to pass faster so I can just go to bed.  I just want to  lay down and die sometimes, but my daughters keep me going, and I couldn't do that to them, or to my parents.  It would kill them.  So I just try to find ways to keep my mind occupied, or I write about it - like here - or talk to someone.  Have you considered therapy?  It can be a tremendous help with the right therapist!  Or a support group if you can find a local one.  I'm sending you a big hug of caring.  Breath deep.

Mercy and Rachel -

Mercy, I applaud you for finding ways to keep occupied, especially the housework... if you need more, you can come over here!  When I am in that bad, dark place, I seem to seize up and I can't do anything expect either cry or try to zone out in front of the television and I try to find things that will make me laugh, but lately that's not working.  Yesterday was my first 4th of July without Don; my neighbor came over and invited me for dinner which was really nice; at least I didn't have to eat alone last night and it was a brief distraction.  But I found I couldn't wait to go to bed last night, and then I didn't want to turn out the light and go to sleep, but I did, and again, I woke up wondering where Don was.  I hate this.

thanks for all the support guys

Rachel -

I know.  Don and I never went to movie theaters because of all the annoying people!  We had Netflix or On Demand.  But I did go with my daughter recently and saw Bridesmaids; it made me laugh.  I tried to watch a movie at home yesterday On Demand but it was a stupid comedy; I had heard it was really funny but I couldn't find any humor in it.  If anyone knows of any really good, really funny movies, please let me know... I do find it helps to laugh - laughter releases endorphins.

Yes Cynthia and an 18 month old can distract me more than any housework ever could. I love housework but now its become an obssesion LOL.

Cynthia, I loved your story about putting the boutiniere on the chair to symbolize your husband.  What a beautiful choice.  Your stories always inspire me.  For whatever reason, I cannot get my mother's face out of my head when I lay down at night.  Her last few days were awful for her; I could tell she was suffering but couldn't get the words out.  To see this amazing woman, the one who took care of everyone and everything unconditionally, fall prey to this horrible and disgusting was too much for me.  I cope by cleaning my house constantly and surrounding myself with my wonderful neighbors and friends.  I talk on the phone a lot to my mother's best friend.  We share stories and laugh about silly stuff.  I know how hard it has been for me but I can't imagine losing your spouse.  I can only pray for you, that time WILL heal all of this.  It just makes us realize how important each and every single one of us is.  How important it is to make positive impacts on every person we meet.  My boys keep me terribly busy which has been a blessing but now that my oldest left for college this past Saturday, the sad and depressed feelings came rushing right back.  I, too, want to lay down in my bed and never wake up sometimes.  It is AWFUL to feel like this because I have a wonderful husband and two boys who love me and NEED me.  My father needs me, my extended family need me, my friends need me.  I am important and I know my mother would want me to be strong.  I think that is what gets me through my every day....just doing what I think my mother would want me to do at that moment.  She did come to me once in butterfly form and I instantly got a tatoo of that butterfly on my ankle.  She hasn't come back since but her best friend told me it's probably because I am not LETTING her come through.  I am not finished grieving or I haven't really started (she passed on April 19).  Either way, we are all blessed to have this forum to just rant and write to our heart's desire without worrying about being judged.  We are all dealing with terrible sadness but I feel in my heart it will get easier to deal with it all in time.  God bless everyone!

Donna -

Thank you; I am glad my stories are just incessant rambling, which the feel like, but that someone is actually getting something out of them.  I can't imagine how hard it will be when I lose my  mom.  I'm so blessed to still have my parents here - they are 96 and 86, and my mom insists on caring for my dad herself, and he insists on having her!  I worry about her health because she is just getting worn out, and her mind isn't as sharp as it was.  But that's another story.  I, too, am very lucky to have wonderful friends and family and support, but you probably know as I do, it isn't always enough.  The worst part in losing my husband has been how lonely it gets.  I have my daughters; my older one lives nearby and I have my grandsons who bring me joy, but knowing that the baby will never know his grandfather, and the 3 year old will probably forget him is hard.

My husband used to tell me he wasn't worried about me going on without him because he said I am I survivor and I'm a strong woman.  And I guess I am - but lately I just don't feel that strength, and I don't want to be a survivor.  I don't want to be alone.  But I can't imagine ever being with anyone else.  It's so interesting that you mentioned a butterfly tattoo; I've been wanting to get a tattoo to honor my husband's memory, and the only thing I've been able to come is with is a butterfly that I had in a dream a few weeks ago.  It's was a powder blue color with yellow dots on the wing tips; the wings were rounded unlike the wing shape we usually see in nature.  But.... in my dream, there were hundreds of them, and my brother was there and he was tearing the wings off.  Strange... so I'm not sure about having that put permanently on my body!  But butterflies signify transmutation and joyful living in Native American lore.  And what is more of a transmutation than death?  I know he's near me; I sense him often, and sometimes his presence is just so strong that it fills the room.  I've been trying to think of what would best be a symbol of him.  He loved classical music, astronomy and played chess, and loved to read non-fiction books, especially historical books.  So maybe a tattoo of a piece of music, some stars and the king from a chess set.  I don't know.  It'll come to me.  Thank you again.   Take care, and thank you for your prayers.   It all helps.

I have been reading all these posts the last couple of weeks and can so relate to most of them. The last month or so I have been crying suddenly and just constantly remembering things about my husband and just falling apart. It was odd because he passed in Dec. I went back to a therapist that I have known and gone to periodicley over the last 30 odd years. He told me that it was normal to go through what I was going through and that different points in time would make me worse than others. Well he was right as usual. On June 22nd it would have been our 26th wedding anniversary. Last year while he was sick we renewed our vows for our 25th and went back to where we got married and had as many people there as at the original ceremony. I knew then that it would probably be the last one we celebrated together, but it was important to both of us to do it. I also realized that the same day of our anniversary was exactly 6 months that he had passed. He passed Dec. 22nd. So in my mind I kept thinking that when we had that party, he had 6 months to live and for the rest of time, both things will have a double meaning. As quick as the date past, I started to get better. I know that another one will happen, but I think I just had to make it past it. My therapist said the first year is the hardest to go through. One Memorial day I could not bring myself to go to the parade with my grandkids. I had to tell my son that I was not ready yet. Last year my husband went with us and I just could not get through that parade if I went so I didn't and it was the right thing to do for me. Yesterday on the 4th was the memory of us being away for the weekend to visit his brother last year, and how he tried so hard to be ok for him. Next week will be a year since I got him to go on a road trip with me. I told him, this is all we have so let's do the best we can with what we have. I drove us to Niagra Fall, NY, Vt and NH. We had a good time even though he was very tired. When he had enough we drove home. All of these things are ingrained in my mind and they were not bad things, but they bring back such memories. I miss him terribly but I know he is close by and wants me to go on. I am doing the best I can. I booked a trip to Lake Tahoe for Sept tonight. I will go with my sister and sister in law for a week. He and I went there once, but so did my sister and sister in law, so I think I will be all right. I have to take it one day at a time as all of us do. I too cannot imagine myself with anyone else, but you know I miss having the companionship of that wonderful man and someday maybe I will be ready to share some of those good times with another. Never say never. It will never be the same, but it still can be good, I just know it. He is in the better place and I know he would want only the best for me. I also have to say that I am not mad at anyone. What happened was awful and unfair, but wasting time on blaming and stressing yourselves is not worth it. Life is too short to go through it mad at a disease or worse yet the person that died from it. Thanks for listening, just had to get that out.

Dear Jeanne and Donna -

I have to believe that it WILL get better. And I am open to new relationships for championship, but it's still too soon for me to even contemplate.  It IS okay to be angry; whatever feelings you or we or any of us have are okay; they are just feelings and are normal, and the best way to cope with it is to let it out.  Each time we let something out, we let it go a little bit more.  And that is healing.  

I've been thinking about a tattoo, like I mentioned, and last night I decided to look at clip art on the web.  I found a beautiful image of the sun, the moon and stars, and Don was my sun, my moon and my stars; he was my universe.  I also found a beautiful blue butterfly.  Now I'm trying to decide where I want it placed, and I don't know if I'll do the butterfly.  But I think I want the sun moon and stars over my heart.  I'm 59 years old, and will probably still have the effects of gravity over time, so I don't want it where it will, um, shall we say, stretch?  But right over my breastbone - I've heard it hurts more to be tattooed over a bone, but what the hell; it's nothing compared to what Don went through.  In the inmate, the sun and moon form a circle, and the stars come out of tails from the moon; the sun has stylized flames.  I want a beautiful letter "D" in the center for his name.  My daughter and her husband gave my new grandson Donald for his middle name to honor my Don, and to remember him.  That meant a lot to me.  So now I have to find a good tattoo artist nearby; my last tattoo was done by a great guy but he's quite a drive a way.  But again, I ramble.  When I get it done, I'll post a picture ... somewhere... Thanks.

So this is it. Facing life without my fiancee. Empty house, empty hope, lost dreams, few friends. My Beloved Cara was my world. Pancreatic cancer took her to the Lord, where at least I know she's in paradise, without pain, without worry, without me.

It happened too fast, and I have many regrets.

Dear Joseph -

I'm so sorry for your loss.  You lost your love before you even had a chance to really begin a life together from the sounds of it.  It is always too fast; no matter how much time there may be before the actual loss, it's too fast, too soon, and I don't know if anyone is ever really ready.  I lost my husband to rectal cancer that metastasized in November last year, and once we found it had spread, it went really fast - one week from the bone marrow biopsy to his death.  I was thinking about it today, and I think that for the 10 and 1/2 months that he lived following his diagnosis, we both just expected he would win this fight.  I wonder now how much of that was stubborn optimism, or how much was denial and just me refusing to accept the possibility that he would die.  He had a way about him that I can only describe as grace when it came to dealing with having cancer.   He never expressed anger, or grief, or cried - he was just being him; he was very matter of fact about the whole thing, and his biggest concern was for me and my wellbeing; if I would have enough money to take care of me, and whatever would be easiest on me.  The decision for him to come home for his last (what turned out to be) few days he asked me to make - if it had been easier on me for him to go into the hospital, he would have; if I wanted him home with hospice, it was up to me.  And I wanted him home, where our family and friends could be with us and with him 24/7.  

He also had Crohn's Disease and I always knew his body would wear out before mine; I had talked about losing him in therapy and what would I do when that happened, but it was in the distant future, and I could talk about it without having to truly acknowledge it.  So when he was diagnosed, after his surgery, the surgeon said  the tumor hadn't spread, but he couldn't get it all out - but they took 17 lymph nodes out and they were all clear, so we were very positive.  So maybe your Cara and my Don are meeting somewhere now, and talking to each other about their lives with us.  Wherever my Don is, I know he's at peace and out of pain, and he lived with pain for so many, many years with his Crohn's disease, before the cancer, I'm just so glad he's out of pain.  But I still hate that it was the cancer that took him, and he was only 57, and I hate that he's not here with me now to hold me at night, to put his arms around me, to share my tears and my laughter, to enjoy all the things we enjoyed together. He was my soul mate.

Our younger daughter is getting married in September and it will be bittersweet without her dad to walk her down the aisle; but she's asked me to do that instead.  And our older one just had her second little boy; he'll never know his grandfather, even though he carries his name as his middle name.  And I know my daughter will tell him about his granddad when he is old enough. 

Again, I'm so sorry you lost the woman you loved and planned to spend your life with.  This grief thing is a process; it happens at in it's own time and at it's own speed.  Be patient with yourself, and most of all, be kind to yourself. And hang in there.  If you allow yourself to process your feelings, and let them out, it does get a little bit better, bit by bit. 

Joseph, this is where we come to vent, show our anger, mourn our sorrow, find new friends.  I am so terribly, terribly sorry for your loss.  I can't even begin to imagine how you must feel.  I will promise you this though...talking about it, writing about it, letting it all out really, REALLY helps.  I was skeptical at first, thinking it would just be something I do for a few days and that's it.  And while I am a busy mom of two boys and work full time, I find myself always coming back when I have even a spare second.  I want to listen to other people and offer words of encouragement.  I know it's not easy; I lost my mom to MDS blood cancer in a matter of DAYS.  My best friend, my mentor.  It's an awful, disgusting disease.  But my friend Jeanne, right here on this forum, made a great point about not letting cancer beat us. I admitted that I am angry at cancer, so so angry, but Jeanne told me that I should NOT let it do that to me again.  And she's right (sorry Jeanne I haven't written back yet).  We have to fight, we have to move on....we only get one life.  Make sure you grieve, make sure you surround yourself with positive people and make sure you talk about it.  Get it off your chest.  God bless you.

Dear Joseph -

Being numb is the normal part of early grief.  But the thing about grief - it doesn't happen in nice, neat stages.  Just when you think you're past a stage, it comes back like a big wave and sweeps you under again.  I have found, speaking for myself, that the best thing is to just go with it and not fight it.  And Donna was so right when she said that this is a great place to let it out; to vent it and find support and nothing but help.  And I have had many days when the pain and hurt and anger and who knows what else has overwhelmed me to the point of calling people to cancel my day, and just stay home and have those meltdowns.  It's exhausting, but a great release.  And just because you haven't seen physical signs of others visiting your Cara doesn't mean that other people are thinking of her - and of you.  So many people just don't know what to say or do, so they say and do nothing.  I don't know which is worse - being left alone, or having people say the "wrong" thing.  I know that for me, and my friends, they all mean well.  My Don was cremated, and his ashes have been scattered all over the place; he's been scattered in the Pacific, in the Atlantic, on the West coast and East coast and places in-between; in Denmark and in Israel. Whenever anyone I know travels I ask them to take some of his ashes to scatter.  We talked about it together before he died, and this was what he wanted.  It's somewhat of a comfort to know he will be all around the world; wherever I go, there he will be. 

I'm sorry; I tend to go on... and on... so I'll stop now, and just know you are not alone, and there are so many of us here who want to help and support each other.  Hang in there.

Dear Mercy -

I know about wanting to crawl under a rock!  I'm sure most of us here do.  After 7 months without my Don, I still replay those last few days he was at home and dying, unable to communicate most of the time - although he would have a sudden lucid moment every now and then - and those images just pop up out of nowhere.  At least I'm not having nightmares, and I wish I had something to offer you for that, but maybe it's part of your process of grieving?  We all have different ways of processing it.  When Don does show up in a dream, it's usually a good one, something positive.  When I was had just graduated from high school, my best friend was hiking in Yosemite Nat. Park and fell to his death.  It was such a terrible time for me, because he was "just my friend" and no one seemed to understand what I was going through, except his mom.  But I still remember the dreams I had about him for several years after that.  It was like I'd see him and say "where have you been?  Everyone's been looking for you!"  And then I'd wake up, realize it was a dream and the pain would start again.  I don't want this to sound unfeeling or anything, but we all die.  Some of us die before we're ready; but then again, depending on your belief system, maybe it's all part of a higher plan.  I don't know what I believe.  I only know how much it hurts when we lose someone we love so deeply, but I never knew it would hurt this much or this deeply.  And yes, one minute at a time is a good way to take it.  

So sorry to hear of your loss Kathryn. Last month would have been our 26 anniversary and it was a very hard day to get through. I think all these firsts are the roughest. My next one is Sept 4th when it would be 31 years since we met. He used to tease me because I would remember all these different dates. Now it seems like a curse. I have to say that once the day passed it seemed better. Hang in there.

Barbra - Thank you, and yes, I feel it.  The hole in my heart will always be with me; but I know he wanted me to go on and he said he wasn't worried about me because I'm a "survivor" and I'm "strong."  If he'd only known that my strength went with him the day he died.  But little by little, I find it because my daughters, even tho they are adults, need me, and my parents are still alive and they need me, too.  I'm glad you're letting in the love thats there.  If I didn't have so much support and love from friends and family, I think I would have ended my life months ago - I couldn't have gone out without it. 

And Jeanne, the firsts are so hard.  The first Christmas, last Christmas, we didn't have Christmas.  We didn't light the Hanukah candles, either, and that was the first time in 31 years.  Our 32nd anniversary would have been Feb. 10, just before Valentine's day; we always gave each other both Valentine's day cards, and anniversary cards; I found one in my stationary drawer that I had bought and was holding onto to give him this year.  Cleaning out drawers I found a lot of things we had given each other over the years; he kept every single card I ever gave him, and all that our girls had given him, too.  On his birthday, I took a hike on a trail we used together and scattered some ashes.  My daughter's wedding in September will be hard; but I know he'll be there, somewhere, watching over us.  I feel him here with me so much - sometimes I feel his presence in our bedroom and it just fills the room.  

I finally took his clothes out of the closet; I still have them; I put them in another bedroom, just to see how it feels to not have them in the closet.  I'm not sure yet.  I think I've gone back into numbness for a while.  It seems like a safe place to be for now.  

I, too, am sending all of you out there big hugs; I hope you can feel them, and let it in.  Take care. 

Today, Cara's children and sister stopped over. Seems that 11 days is sufficient time to go in and divide the spoils. Yes, I'm angry, yes, that thinking is incorrect. 1/3 of the household went out the door today, because cancer didn't give Cara & I enough time to finish our plans. The rest will likely go Saturday. I didn't come into our relationship with a lot. Most everything was hers. I understand that the kids need as much of their Mom as they can. But after 9 years of devotions, growing to love the things we had to make such a beautiful home, to see it all disappear and know that now I have to make the decision on how to move forward, after 2 weeks notice. Without her, I just don't know. We built 2 businesses, hers and mine. Minor stuff, but gave us a steady income to go see art shows, go to dinner, movies... the like.

I still have mine, but I was invested in hers. Every aspect. Sometimes I think the kids just want me gone, tho they tell me otherwise. It's as if 9 years of Love, support, and devotion to one another, just plain doesn't count.

Enough rant for one day... I'm exhausted.

Kathryn,

There is NO doubt that they watch over us, and visit us. I know this to be true. I find comfort in that.

Joseph -

I am so very sorry that you are being treated so poorly by Cara's family.  No, it isn't fair.  You made their mom happy, and you'd think that would mean something.  She was your partner; you must be so hurt by this kind of treatment.  I wish there was something I could say that would help, but I know there isn't.  I'm glad you found this site; this is a good place to "rant."

I think Harry Potter should bring a smile to your face. This is a very cute story you have shared with us. Our memories are such a gift. When I go and see the new Harry Potter movie I will think of your Harry. Huggs Sue

Thanks Sue, it has always brought one to mine. I guess it is bittersweet tomorrow when the last movie comes out forever. Harry always puts a smile on my face wherever he is!

I woke up this morning and my first thought was "crap..I'm still breathing". So many people struggling to live and I am praying to be taken. I miss my darling mother more than I could ever, ever imagine. How do we live when all that is left is going to work..putting on a deccent front....it seems everyone expects you to be doing fine already. It has only been 3 weeks since that cancer murdered her. I hope the Lord pulls up my number soon. No one else is more ready than I am.

Dear Sue- Only 3 weeks!  This is still brand new to you!  I was talking to someone yesterday who just lost her mom (she was 81 and had Parkinson's and it was her time) but we were talking about my loss of my husband, and she said, "It's only been 7 months... it takes time..." so for people to expect you to be back to "normal" after just 3 weeks isn't right!  Even though when someone we love is ill, and death is expected, it doesn't make the loss any easier to bear, or any easier to deal with.  You need time.  And you need to allow yourself to feel all you feel!  Anger, sadness, numbness even.  Mary Elizabeth said it so well.  And I, too, wake up many mornings, and say the same thing - but I use another word for crap!  Many times I go to bed thinking, "take me, too.  I'm ready."  But I wake up, and it's another day.  I go to bed just glad the day is over.  Hang in there.  Give yourself permission and a time when you can just let it all out. 

I'm sending you hugs and thinking of you.

Its been a while since i've written.  Its been two months since my mother passed away.  Its been really hard dealing with the loss.  I was hospitalized twice for sucidal thoughts.  I had a plan and everything.  Sometimes, i still wish that I was dead, just to get relief from the pain. 

  I know that my mom wouldn't want me to hurt my self, but it gets to be overwhelming.  I feel so angry with God for taking my mother way from me.  How can someone so kind and good deserve to die like that.  We took care of her as best we could.  We kept her clean and comfortable, but she could hardly breathe and in the end she couldn't move.  I struggle with my grief and guilt everyday.

Natalie