Barbra, reading your experience helps me much.  At least Mel went quickly and somewhat painlessly.  I wasn't looking forward to seeing him go downhill because of the tumor.  We were told by the oncologist that this type of tumor can double itself in two weeks!  Since we were trying to get Mel's strength up for radiation, we lost 2-3 weeks and Lord knows how big that tumor got in that time.  I know I would loose him and am glad he went fast, but oh!  I miss him so!

It is now nearly one year(April 19, 2010) since my beautifull and dearest wife was taken from me by pancreatic cancer, and even though i know she is free and with no pain i wish she could be with me again, the pain of not having her with me is softening but the memories is still gut wrenching. I wish i could just one more time in person tell her just how much i love her and be by her side before the inevitable lonely journey, we all have to make,  happens. I love her so much and these last 11 months has shown me just what we had. The journey is never complete untill one day we are all re-united.

Hi Kathy- you know that there are no words. The pain was and is so bad at times its hard to breath. Taking a shower and driving my car alone are two of the saddest places for me. My brother first entered the hospital on 12/26/10. They thought he was having a reaction to the flu shot and sent him home after a week he got worse.We got him into NYU where supposed genius were in charge. They continued to push the flu reaction.By the time they figured it out Richie had less than a 10% chance. It really was a heartbreaking death. He was a prisoner in his own body, how horrible that must have been for him.I hate thinking about it,yet I do. That's how I torture myself. Anyway, it has been a year and to me it's still bad. I just miss him so much.

Reading the most recent several posts I can relate to all of them.  

I miss my husband more than I ever thought possible. And I never knew anything could hurt so much and so deeply.  

In October they told us it looked good; the tumor didn't appear to be growing or spreading and it looked "inactive" but in November, it suddenly spread to his liver and his bone marrow, but I don't think it was so "sudden".  On the other hand, I do feel he had a great oncologist and we liked him a lot, and he was always available to us, any time of day or night.  He always returned my calls the same day, and he answered my questions to the best of his ability; and I still believe he was as honest as he could have been.  But I agree that it doesn't matter where you are as a patient; you need someone to advocate for you in all cases.  There were mistakes that might have been made if I wasn't there with my husband as much as I could be, and there were things that maybe I could have interceded in if I had been there more.  The residents wanted to give him Humera for his Crohn's Disease; but fortunately his GI doctor was on top of it and said no, he already has cancer... (One risk of Humera is lymphoma...) 

I think I'm trying to learn to live with this loss by telling myself that we will all die; and this was Don's time.  It was a terrible way to die, and he suffered at the end, and he wasn't always lucid those last few days, but it was his time.   He's not suffering anymore, and I like to think he's at peace and at least maybe he's with his mom and dad now, and others who loved him who passed before he did.  I tell myself we'll see each other again someday, and be together, because I don't know if I could tolerate not believing that.  

I wish you all peace along the way, even if it's a terribly bumpy ride getting wherever you need to go.

Wow its been awhile since I came on this site and typed anything or came on this site in general.  Jerry has been gone 5 months now and to say it I still can't believe it's been that long and I still miss him terribly.  Ive been in and out of the hospital trying to get my mind to wrap around whats happened but no amount of doctors or anyone can cure whats goin on with me.  The kids are getting big and I know Jerry would be so proud of them and I know they miss their daddy they tell me all the time.  It kills me they are so young and dont understand and they ask when daddy is coming home how do you explain death to a 3 yr old?...Just recently my older sister called and said they just found out she has cancer, shes only 43 and the type they say she may have gives her a survival rate of less than 5 yrs.  Hearing that news only brought back memories of the pain and shock I felt when they told us Jerry had cancer and said he could beat the odds but within a year was gone.  I feel the doctors didnt do enough for him at least not as much as they could have and it makes me angry everyday I lost Jerry the way I did.  Sure I see him in my dreams and what sucks is when I wake up I dont remember half of them.  I feel so guilty for alot of things and there are times I just dont know where to turn, the last few weeks have been the worst I start to cry at every little thing and no matter how busy I am I seem to just stop and get so lost in my own head that when I come back to reality I dont remember what it is I was doing.  I just wish I wasnt so damn angry I dont even know what Im typing I guess I came back on here because so many ppl are in the same situation or close to what Im going through and I figure maybe someone out there can help me makes sence of it all cause I know that the doctors cant and niether can anyone else

Arielle,

  Thank you for your words they helped in some ways.  I know that nothing can really help with the pain I feel as I told my therapist no amount of therapy or pills can take away how I feel inside and my reality but at least I know Im not alone and it does help to talk to others that know what Im going through.

  I am sorry for your loss as well and you are right I guess our surviving is really a true testament to our strength but I think at times if it werent for my kids I wouldnt want to survive the going on and moving forward at times just seems too hard but I do it for my kids

We all deal with our own grief and pain in our own way. I remember as a child growing up and watching and hearing the grown up's talk emotionally and ocassionally shedding a tear when a relative has passed on. Many a friend lost a sibling, father or mother growing up and i never even imagined losing a family member then, we as a family were very fortunate to have had good health and fortune. Only once Dad passed, did we come to understand and fully realize the impact of his absence from our lives. Also losing a sister suddenly to a brain aneurism made me suddenly realize we are getting older and live is not guaranteed or to be trifled with. Last year on the 19th of April my life came to a sudden and abrupt halt when i lost the one person that was my soul and my inspiration, she was ripped from me after suffering 2 weeks of unbearable pain caused by cancer of the pancreas. No amount of crying,cursing, shouting or begging will bring her back or give me one more second with her, this is what hurts the most, the days drag by and i still see the pain on her face even though she was semi comatose and could not speak to us i knew if she could she would have been crying and begging me to help her , which i as her husband failed her in. I made a vow to be by her side in sickness and in health,  and i failed her i let her pass away. I feel so helpless and betrayed in myself and that is why i wished i didn't believe, because then it would have been easier to carry on.

Dear All -

Reading these posts and hearing the pain makes me want to tell you it is so normal to feel all of these things when you lose someone you love.  I have days where I get triggered - and I don't always know what triggers me - and the tears start to flow bit by bit and then I stop fighting and just let them out; I sob and cry and talk to my beloved, and tell him he shouldn't have left me, I wasn't really ready, even tho I told him it was okay to let go when he was dying; I lied.  It wasn't okay.  None of us were ready.  Who is ever ready to say goodbye to their soul mate?  A part of me wanted to give him an overdose of drugs to just end his suffering, but another part of me knew I just couldn't, and all I could do was keep giving him the right dose to just keep him comfortable; I was giving him morphine every 30 minutes, and after the 6th one, I had been saying "just let the medicine comfort you and go with it; let it take you away; it's okay to go...." and he suddenly was lucid for a moment, and he said "well, I guess so...."; he took two breaths, he cried two tears, and he was gone.  His face relaxed, his eyes stayed open, and my daughter said "that's a dad face" and she meant he looked like he did when he was alive and healthier - open and happy and relaxed, and somehow, that brought me just a little bit of piece.  

But if you have to cry, or yell, or throw things - do whatever you need to do to let out the grief, because keeping in it only  makes the hurt worse.  I know when you have little ones, you have to find the space to do that when they won't be affected; maybe you need to cry into your pillow, or scream into it so they don't hear you, or have someone nearby who can help with them by taking them out for a bit so you can have the space,  And Jan, please don't blame yourself.  I'm sure you did whatever you could for your wife, and she knew you loved her, and that's what counts.  And yes it hurts.  It's traumatic to watch someone you love in so much pain and watching them die.  

It may sound strange, but I do wish you all peace, and it will come in it's own time.  Grief is a process; you have to work it.  

today is seven months since i lost my brother. lately i have been having panic attacks. i feel sometimes like i will go insane, because i do not understand how can this be my reality now? i do not want to accept or let time heal. because i cannot bear to move on with my life without my big brother. i do not want to leave him behind, it is too cruel and unjust. terrible images and memories run constantly through my head. i try to replace them with happier ones, but the effort is just too exhausting sometimes. i am not able to distract myself enough, so instead i am becoming consumed by sadness and worry.

Arielle- I know just how you feel...It was just a year for me...losing my brother to brain cancer. I am there right now. My brother also has 2 young kids. His son was 8 and daughter 6 when he died.I just miss my old life and who I used to be. I want to let go of some of the bad thoughts and the anger, yet I can't,not now. My sister in law moved on quickly. That only adds to all the bad. This is truly a process because lately I've been feeling like it is ok to let some of it go. It doesn't go far but enough so I could start to get excited about some stuff, like a upcoming family camping trip.I'm telling myself that my brother could hitch a ride and come with me, still experience things through me, through his kids and through the rest of his family and friends. Let's face it.... we were robbed, all of us left behind. I know my brother would want me to move on but he would also want me to keep missing him and when I think of that I laugh. So maybe I am moving on in this process, but reading what your going through just touches me because I know just how you feel.Keep moving forward and know that you are not alone.

Anniversaries are hard for all of us, weather it is a week, a month or 6 months or a year.  Birthdays are hard, and wedding anniversaries, too, holiday and other special events.  We do have to move on for our own sakes, and I often think what would Don (DH) want for me?  I try to let go of my anger and grief when I feel like crying and I allow myself to let it out, it helps.  I might be sobbing into a pillow, or just walking around the house sobbing and crying, but it is a release - and it's also exhausting!  It's hard to replace sad thoughts with happy ones, even though at some point it might help to remember the good times.  But Arielle, if you are having panic attacks, I would find someone to talk to about it - a support group or a good therapist, if I may be so bold as to suggest it.  Many hospices offer support groups to survivors. 

This is also a place you can vent and I sympathize with you.  You are not alone, even if it sometimes feels that way. Like you, I wish no one ever had to deal with this.  Best 

Cynthia

I HATE CANCER. WISH THEY CAN KILL CANCER LIKE THEY KILLED THAT RAT BIN LADEN. SHOOT IT RIGHT IN THE HEAD....NOW THAT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY...KILL CANCER

My mom is dying of colon cancer.  Its so heart breaking to watch her decline.  Reading other peoples stories on this site helps me so much, because I've been unable to join a support group in person because of scheduling issues.  She's been having a bad go of it lately, she's been vomiting everyday and is having trouble digesting solid foods.  I hate to see her like this.  Its hard watching someone you love waste away to nothing. It hurts so bad.

  Its true what they say, to love someone is to acknowledge that one day you'll lose them.  I suppose its the risk we take when we love.

Barbara, I'm with you!

Natalie -my husband died from colon cancer, but he lived with Crohn's Disease for over 30 years and watching the effects of the cancer wasn't much different from seeing the suffering from the Crohn's; I hope that doesn't sound cold or anything; he was my one true love, my best friend and support and my heart.  I would do anything to have him back, whole and healthy.  So when he started losing weight before the diagnosis, we didn't think much about it except that it was probably a Crohn's flare up; well, guess we were wrong.  He was actually doing pretty well and we thought he'd beat it, but it suddenly spread to his liver and his bone marrow practically overnight; we got the prognosis after a bone marrow biopsy and he died within the week.  It was hard those last few days because I begged the dr. for morphine and he wanted to try fentanyl first; it didn't work, and by the time we got the morphine, it had very little effect.  So I called my brother who is a dr., and he told me how to give him the morphine more often at a smaller dose and what to watch for.  He died after the 6th dose.  He suddenly was lucid for one moment - I had been telling him it was okay to go; to look for his mom who passed in 2001, and she was waiting for him.  Suddenly he said, "well, I guess so" and he cried two tears, took two breaths and was gone.  I just laid down and held him until they mortuary came for him. 

Yes it is the hardest thing we have to do in life - to watch someone we love die.  Death is part of life; it's the one part we all have to face weather it's our own or someone else's.  There are several good books out there.  If you can't find a support group, this is a good place to come to.  An individual therapist can also be very helpful when you are going through something like this - but a GOOD therapist who won't try to make it better or fix it because unless you've been there, you have no idea what it's like.  I'm so sorry your mom is having such a bad time. Is she getting any medication at all?  My husband finally gave in and smoked some pot to help with the nausea; and it actually did help when none of the medications did!  It's worth a try if you have it available in your state.  My husband got a prescription from his dr.; we're in California.  

Hang in there.  I'm sending you lots of hugs and positive energy!

As if it wasn't traumatic enough watching my husband die of colon cancer, my dog has been sick.  He's on medication now, which is helping him keep his food down, but the vet said it could be Addison's Disease (easy to treat); Myasthenia Gravis (harder to diagnose and very rare in dogs), secondary to brain cancer or lymphoma, or a neurological disorder.   Last week he regurgitated everything he ate or drank; I don't know if I'm up to dealing with a sick dog after watching my husband die, but he's so sweet, and we are so attached to each other - he's a rescue we got in October last year before we knew my husband wasn't going to make it.  My little dog, Calvin, looks at me with his big brown eyes with so much trust and love, I feel like such a rat even thinking I may have to give him up, but I spent $3000 last week alone just on diagnostics, and we aren't finished.  I finally got him pet insurance, but it won't take effect until this Thursday, and this will be considered a preexisting condition because it started during the waiting period!  Maybe I can sue for coverage... 

Anyway, it's hard.  He's so traumatized by all the vet visits and a tests they did, when we drove up today, in the car he was trembling before I even turned off the motor!  My poor baby!  I just don't know what to do.  I don't think I can bear another loss. 

Thanks so much for everyone's encouraging words.  It really means alot to me to know that I'm not alone, and there are other people who've gone through what I'm going through.  My mom's doing better today.  She said she only vomitted alittle this morning.  I've been making her milkshakes w/ all sorts of different flavors.  Its all that I can do.  I can't make her pain go away, or stop the vomitting or make the tumors shrink, but I can make a milkshake.

Dear Christina - I just wanted to add my support to the comments already made. Some people just are so afraid of their own mortality, they can't empathize, even if they haven't gone through it.  I'm so blessed that my 86 y/o mom is still with us, and I give thanks for that every day. I lost my husband in November to rectal cancer, and am grateful that I have a wonderful group of friends who support me and do understand, even if they haven't lost their own spouse.  My husband was such a wonderful man, the many people who spoke about him at his service, many work colleagues I didn't even know, said such wonderful things and it was such a testament to who he was.   Maybe people have a problem when someone loses a parent because we are supposed to expect our parents to pass at some point, but a loss is a loss is a loss; it doesn't matter who we lose, it is painful and tragic, and many people just can't deal with someone else's loss.  The best person who has been there for me, besides my mom actually, has been my therapist.  She's simply a very good therapist and knows how to help me without trying to "help" if you get that; she doesn't' try to fix it or make it better or tell me to move on.  She simply acknowledges how hard this is, and validates my feelings, and is just there for me.  If you are having a lot of trouble adjusting to you loss, and who doesn't?  find a good therapist; it's the best advice I can give, if you will allow me some advice.  In the meantime, I am sending you hugs and energy and good thoughts.  Please take care of yourself.  And Michael is correct - your friends just don't understand.  It's not their fault; it's the way our culture deals with death - it generally doesn't. 

My mom is currently dying of colon cancer.  She's having trouble keeping food down and we had to admit her as inpatient with Hospice.  Its been difficult to get the vomitting under control.  They have her on iv fluids and that's keeping her hydrated.  Sometimes, I feel that things would be easier if she just died.  I feel like such a monster thinking like that.

Dear Natalie -

I am so sorry that you and your mom have to go through this.  I have to tell you, however, that when my husband couldn't get the vomiting under control we got a prescription for medical marijuana and got the tincture in capsules, and it helped a great deal.  It didn't really make him "high"; mostly just sleepy, but the nausea went away.  We had hospice at home when we knew the end was near, and honestly, his care could have been better, but at least at the very end, we got him on morphine and he wasn't in as much pain.  If your state doesn't have legalized medical marijuana, there is a drug called Marinol which is made from the active ingredient from pot that helps, also with nausea.  Ask you mom's dr. about that.  That has to be something they can do for it.  

I also understand your feelings about it being easier if she would just die.  That's normal, and I think everyone thinks that at one point when watching a loved one suffer.  You are not a monster for thinking that!  Just know it's normal.  It's so hard to watch your mom go through this; it was hard watching my husband.  But I would just sit with him - near the end he wasn't very lucid, and I'm really not sure how much he heard or not, but he seemed to hear us because he would look at me when I spoke and every now and then he would respond as if he understood.  But anyway (sorry this is going on for so long), the last few days I sat with him almost all the time, and I slept next to his hospital bed, and I just kept telling him it was okay to let go; my daughters and I all told him that - he'd been a good husband, I would be okay, the girls would be okay because he'd been such a wonderful dad.  Even my daughter's fiancee went in and talked to him, and told him they would be getting married and he didn't have to worry about our daughter; her fiancee would take good care of her, and she of him.  So I kept telling him, it's okay to let go; that his mom was waiting for him to come and join her.  The last day, he kept focusing on the wall and reaching for something that no one else could see, and it made me a believer that there is something there after death.  Sometimes people need permission to die because they think their loved ones can't go on without them; your mom may need permission from you to "let go" and do whatever she needs to do.  Think about it.  As much as you will miss her, and maybe you still need her, it's a wonderful gift to give the dying permission to die.  I used to work for hospice as a therapist, and I remember one woman telling me one night her husband, who was dying at home from cancer, started getting out bed and saying "I have to go."  She made him get back in bed and told him "You're not going anywhere; you're sick..." then she realized, a few days later, that he was saying, "Its time for me to die..." in his own way.  She told him it was okay to go now; she said she felt that she could see his soul float up from his body, and he died.  So he stayed because she told him he couldn't leave, and when she realized what it was, and told him it was okay to go, he let go and died.  

I miss my husband terribly; it was 6 months this past Thursday, but it feels like a drop in the bucket and at the same time, it feels like a very long time.  But I miss him so much, and I'm so lonely without him. I have my family and friends, and of course the dog (smile), but it's not the same and it never will be.  

My thoughts are with you.  Know that this is a place you can come and get it off your chest anytime you need to, and I hope it helps.

Take care of yourself, too.

Dear Arielle -

Today when I was in the shower, I actually had some positive thoughts and feelings.  Maybe it's my antidepressants actually finally starting to kick in, maybe it's the therapist once a week, but I think it's because I've let myself have my bad days and cried all day, or maybe it's because I just let myself express it when ever I needed to.  So go ahead and be angry and don't hold it in.  We all grieve in our own way, but we also have to all let it out in our own way.  I know that if we hold it in, it just get's worse.  And yes, I've had those times where I was in a place it just wasn't okay to let it out, and somehow I found a way to deal with it long enough to get myself home or some place I could let it out.  And it's okay to hit things, like a pillow or something if that what you're feeling.  My heart is with you; and my thoughts are with you also.  I'm so sorry for your loss, and I hope you find a good way to let it all out - I guess coming here is one of them.  I can't say it gets better or the hurt every goes a way, because I don't know that yet.  All I can say is that I've been having more good days than bad lately (it was 6  months last week), but I decided that I needed to talk to a "spiritual" person and I have made a date with a Rabbi; I'm not religious, but they way  my husband was acting just before he died - like he was seeing something no one else could see and reaching towards it - made me believe there is something more out there, somewhere, when we die.  I hope this is somewhat helpful.  

I am sending you hugs and positive thoughts. 

Dear Natalie:

I wanted to tell you that if you have questions, and don't know what to expect, please, if you haven't already, talk to your mom's doctor.  If you have a Wellness Community nearby, or you can find them online, too, they usually have support groups for family members as well as patients, and you an get a lot of answers there.  The online one is actually pretty good; they have a board just for colon cancer and there are a lot of people who are family members who post.  Good luck with that.  I wish comfort for your mom, and for you. 

I agree Cynthia..You have to let it out. You can't bury it inside. And it's ok to be mad and be angry. It's OK!!

I just want you to know that death is not the end. There is life after this life. I have experienced a divine knowing after the death of my brother in 2000. I know it is hard for many to believe unless it happens to them. When I learned of this truth, I wanted to share it with everyone suffering through this agony of death.

I lost my mother, father and brother (all to different cancers). They want me to share my message of hope and faith.

Cynthia--take care and thanks for sharing your thoughts. Much love to you!

Mary

I, too, know there is something after this life.  I witnessed my husband in his last hours focusing on the wall in front of him and reaching out towards something no one else could see, but he clearly saw something that he wanted to go to.  I had a long talk with a rabbi today, and since I was not raised in religious home, but one that was Jewish all the same (culturally and ethnically) the rabbi was a great help to me in understand the "reality" that we experience in the physical life - while our bodies are alive - and the spiritual - the reality our souls experience when the body dies.  I told him about my dog being really spooked one night, and I knew someone was here; I can't say it was my husband, but someone was here and the dog has never acted that way, before or since.  It's too long to go into here, but he sensed someone.  After my husband died, I told a friend who is "sensitive" to souls and other psychic things most people are skeptical about, that I didn't "feel" my husband around me.  She said he was transitioning, and giving me space and to give it time.  Sure enough, one night I work up smelling the scent of incense in our bedroom that was so strong that I had to get up and light a stick of it; one night I went to the bathroom and when I came back to bed I could have sworn he had been lying there next to me; the feeling was so strong that I know I wasn't just dreaming it, and I had already bought a new bed since he died; I never did sleep  in our old bed that we shared after he died; I couldn't.  And somedays, Jeanne, the tears just start for me, too, and there's not necessarily a trigger.  Last week I was brushing my teeth and suddenly I was just crying.  I spent the next several hours crying.  It happens.  I have more good days now than bad, but it's a process as we all know.  I just wanted to share that I, too, have had experiences that have made me believe something I wasn't sure about before.  And after my husband died, his face became so relaxed; so unlined; his eyes stayed open, and when i tried to close them, they wouldn't stay closed.  One of my daughters looked at him and said, "yeah, that's a 'dad look' and my other daughter agreed.  He just looked so calm and finally at peace and out of pain.  I believe he made the move to the other "reality" as the rabbi called it, and was with his mother and at peace.  His father joined them two weeks later.  He died alone, in his sleep, of a heart attack.  But before he went to bed, he told his caregiver, "I'm going to be leaving, and i won't be back, but it's okay because I'm going to be with my son."  And he went to sleep and didn't wake up again.  He was 96, and sharp as a tack, but his body was failing.  So they are all together now, and I like to believe that my husband does see me and watches over me, and every now and then, he pays me a visit, even if I can't see him; I can still feel him.  

Bless you all.

Reading all these stories brings tears to my eyes.....I, too, am so angry at cancer.  My mother's story is a long one so I will try and write about it tomorrow.  I do believe she held on and waited to see all the people that were important to her - and then she stopped fighting.  I don't know how to feel, I don't know how to start the process.