michael were the meds bothering you?  just trying some way to help you....for me it helps take the edge off...depression is just such a difficult thing, and I do understand :)

Karen, I am sorry for the pain you feel. I wish I could take your pain away..and anyone whose heart is buried in the misery of grief. I know that empitness. I know that it is a common thread we all share, no matter the extent of the circumstance--its there and we all stare at it daily.

I was 12 when I experienced my first death and went to my first funeral..my mother died of breast cancer. It was horrible and it hurt for years. I cried so much and missed her more than anything.  I lost my father to kidney cancer 17 yrs ago and my 40 yr. old brother to pancreatic cancer in 2000. There isn't a certain time frame to feel better or normal again. I don't think you ever "feel" like you did when you had that loved one with you, you evolve and become different and a stronger person.

This is what I have learned and have embraced all these years.. I am 50 yrs. old now.

I miss my parents and brother so much. I know that they are in a better place--free of sickness and pain. I am thankful for that. Our love for them and theirs for us is never broken..it is forever. Our connection to them is never broken. They watch over us and guide us. They hear our prayers and the anguish in our voices as we speak to them. Your daughter lives on in you and her son. We must live for them because they cannot. I see things much differently than most.

I pray that peace in your heart is found. I pray that you can find happiness soon in day to day life and that you learn to manage the pain of your loss, but never letting go of the joy your daughter brought to you. Honor and cherish those memories. Talk about her often to your grandson...let him know how courageous she was.

I lost my mom a little over a week ago to cancer. She had breast cancer 25 years ago and was cancer free until 2-1/2 years ago when she was having problems with one of her legs and went to numerous doctors and finally went to the Mayo Clinic and found out that she had cancer again. I figured with this day and age and the fact that she fought cancer the last time she was going to fight it again. That did not happen. Cancer won! I"m so sad that my mom is gone. I won't be able to call my mom anymore when I want to talk to someone about my daughter. She knew the right things to say. Who is going to help me with some crocheting. It is strange when I go to my parents house and my mom is not sittin gin her usual place. :( I miss her so much and I am mad that cancer had to take over. I have this bracelet that I got that shows I'm support of the fight for cancer and I almost didn't want to wear it because what use is it now? My mom died from cancer???? How is it going to help me? But I know my mom would want me to wear it because there are others out there that have cancer.

Michael, I feel so bad for you, you are really having a hard time after all this time...I hope your therapist can really help you and get you past all that....I really do

This is most likey my last entry on the site. I miss Brian so much i hope my childeren understand i just cannt go on like this my heart feels like someone riped it from my chest iam numb from the pain for a while then i see or hear something that reminds me that hes not here anymore. When i go to the drs all they do is keep giving me more pills god so many of them. Sitting here taking them hoping to see Brian soon god i miss him so much but i will be with him soon i left the kids a letter to tell them how much i loved them i just cannt go on with out there dad i hope they understand and forgives me but i cannt do this anymore.getting so tried just want to wake up in his arms one more time i love you Brian iam comming to you soon baby. To my kids plesae understand that i had to do this i cannt go on like this you both mean so much to me know that i love you both and i pray that you forgive me someday

Rachel thank you for caring but i dont think i can do this anymore so tried of the pain and dealing with his family dosent help either... belive it or not was told that iam the reason my Brian died not the cancer ...i dont know anymore maybe there right just can do this anymore .....the pain and hurt gets to be to much and i can only live like this for so long  i love my family Brian and the kids were my life the kids are away at school and hes gone and iam so tried of hurting ... going to lay down now getting so sleepy

thank you again for be so caring i pray for you all but i cannt do this anymore...

Judy,

What I hear you saying is that your death is the only solution to the pain you are feeling. And in your mind, that may be the only alternative, but my experience says it's not.

What I've found is that people who are grieving often blame themselves for failure to relieve it. Family and friends say "It's enough time." Therapists will encourage you to try hider. With each new assault on their soul, they believe two things, they're responsible for the continuation of their grief and it will never go away. My experiences says neither is true.

We grieve because we have loved. The greater the love, the more the grief  I think that's the price we pay for living fully. I life without grief would be a poor one, indeed. And the length of the grief? I think the continuation of it may have more to do with not knowing how to end it than anything inherent within it. Grief is a part of life, it comes and goes.

I'm not asking you not to commit suicide--it may already be to late--rather I'm asking you to consider if your decision is based on the impossibility of getting over grief or just not knowing yet, how to do it.

Stan

Dr Goldberg

Thank you for your help with my mother i didnt know how bad things were for her till today,she is always going out of her way for others i just have a hard time thinking of what my aunt and uncle have put her through how can anyone do that to another person? I called them today and told them there not to go to the hospital to see her and that they arent to go anywhere near her for now i didnt realize how bad things were getting here that they were blaming her and making her life a living hell....she is doing better there keeping her in the hospital for at least a week becasue she took all those pills i scared of what will happen when i go back to school but i am working on having her friends checking in on her but wanted to say thanks to you for taking the time to talk with her i am not sure if she even seen the post but i told her about it. she asked that i tell you all that she sorry that she tried to take the easy way out ? I just thank god that o came home when i did. Thank you

my brother is not dead a year yet and his wife is already getting remarried. i am tormented by this. how do you just stop grieving and move on.than i read the comments that some of you have left and you can't imagine living without your loved one. so i feel like i should be ok with this, it is better than her going the other way and never having love again. she has 2 young kids and they have a right to happiness and laughter in their lives. the guy she's marrying sounds like a great guy but so was my brother.every breath my brother took was for his family.i feel like my brain that understands and my brain that grieves are coming together today, giving me peace. i miss my brother every day but it is my job to keep his kids in my life and if that means finding this place of acceptance, that is where I HAVE TO BE. i know that this feeling won't last and i will be hating her for moving on but for this moment i want love in my life, not hate.there is life after death

Hi Nicloe,

Please call me Stan. I know what a difficult and painful time this is for both you and your mother. I think your decision to exclude your aunt and uncle from your mother's life, at this time, is very appropriate. And I know how concerned you are with what will happen when you go back to school. There are no guarantees. As much as we would like to influence the lives of our loved ones, there are limitations.

The On line Grief Support-A Social Community is a very good blog for seeing that one's pain is not unique. However, I don't think it's an appropriate site for guidance. When I looked at your mother's past posts almost in every one she seems to be asking for advise. Unfortunately, most responses were ones that emphasized the sharing of pain. I don't think the people who responded didn't care. Rather, they might be trying to find a way to reduce their own grief and haven't been successful enough to advise others. I think your mother was looking for answers, rather than just compassion and sharing. And possibly when the answers didn't come, she may have felt that there were no answers and she would always feel an overwhelming pain. In my post to her, I emphasized that it might be more productive to look elsewhere for answers.

My suggestion is that for answers other resources might be consulted. One online favorite of mine is opentohope.com. Open to Hope has both "sharing" posts and ones posted by professionals who deal with grief. I write articles on end of life issues for them and also on my own website stangoldbergwriter.com. Neither Open to Hope nor I sell anything or offer services.

I do think that individual in-person counseling would be appropriate for your mother. Not the dispensing of pills (one thing she didn't think was effective in a past post) but rather an exploration of her grief and more importantly, what she can do to reduce it. You might want to contact a local mental health agency or hospice. My preference would be a hospice since they constantly deal with grief and if they don't have counselors available, they'll have a list of preferred ones. I hope this helps and give my best to your mother.

Take Care,

Stan

Dear Guy -

What you are experiencing is completely normal.  You life did fall apart - when you lost your wife.  So it's hard somedays to focus or concentrate, and you probably have few resources left to give to your father.  It's difficult to take care of someone else when all you can do is put one foot in front of the other.  My husband died in November; his elderly father died two weeks later, but in the interim, I also found myself worrying about taking care of him and myself, too.  There are days when I simply cannot concentrate or focus on anything.  I found an independent financial planner who has been a life saver; my husband took care of our finances and our investments, and I really needed someone to guide me now - I don't know what your financial situation is, but if you have anyone close to you who you trust maybe they can help. I had offers of help for everything from organizing my papers and things to investment strategies.  It's very hard to keep working when you've lost your partner; part of grief is that we have trouble with the focus of typical daily things.  I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and from the beginning when my husband was diagnosed with rectal cancer and I stopped working to take care of him, I find myself completely unable to focus on anything clinical.  I read novels, but there are still many, many times I reread the same page over and over because my brain just can't take it in.  

I have found that my therapist is my greatest support, even though I have family and friends who have been wonderful and are still willing to listen to me rant and sob and rave, my therapist is the one person I don't have to be concerned about upsetting, or trying to keep my own feelings in check; I can totally let everything hang out and just go see her each week and do whatever I need to do - vent, cry, complain, even sometimes talk about something positive.  Maybe you can find a good support group, or a good therapist.  Most therapists are acquainted with grief and the process - it should be part of their education. But if you find one who is telling you how or what you "should" feel or do, move on and find another.  We each grieve in our own way, and often we need to have permission and the time and space to do so.  I started leaving a journal on my husband's pillow; I can write in it whenever I need to - which is usually when I wake up in the middle of the night.  

This is a process; we struggle with it, as does everyone. I always knew I'd outlive my husband (he had Crohn's Disease - IBD - in addition to the cancer that took his life...) but I really didn't think it would happen this soon; he was only 57.  I have my daughter's to think of, also; they are both on their own now, but we talk a lot and the fact is, that a child needs their mom; I can't "need" them i the same way, even tho my younger daughter has given me permission to share with her, to cry to her, to vent to her - I don't want to add my own grief to hers.  

I'm sorry; I seem to be rambling.  Hang in there.  You are not alone.  

Hi Stan

I wanted to let you know that my mother is doing better she knows that she didnt cause dad to be sick but with my anut and uncle making her life so hard she lost her way i talked to the drs. today and she will be going to therapy starting 3 days a week she wanted me to tell you thank you for all the help you have given her and me.. i told the hospital about not letting in my anut and uncle and i glad i did as they tried to get in to see her again but they stopped them so thats good.

It hurts to see mom like this she has always been the rock in the family to see her now she is just a empty shell iam praying that she will get back to herself soon the drs are saying that they can help  her if she wants to help herself... again thank you for all your help ..... PS i checked out the other web site you talked about open to hope and let her know about it also she said that she would look into it again thank you for all your help.  Nicole

Dear Nicole -

I don't know if you will see this or not, but I have to write to just offer my support. You sound like a wonderful, loving daughter for your mom.  You don't say how old you are, but you certainly seem to have been able to take over for your mom on this, and standing up for her by keeping your aunt and uncle away from her is a very heroic act; a lot of people wouldn't have the strength to do that.  I just want to tell you to hang in there.  Your mom lost her husband; you lost your dad (I am assuming it was your dad...) so you have your own grief to deal with, too.  My husband died in November and my daughters are 30 and 27; my 27 year old is planning a wedding and having a difficult time when she realizes her dad won't be there to walk her down the aisle.  She is in graduate school across the country from where I live and we stay in touch by phone and Facebook and email.  You don't need any additional burdens, but if you mom knows how much you love her and still need her in your life, it might help her.  I don't know your family of course, and I don't know the dynamics; but when my younger daughter sent me a card back in January, just telling me that I'm allowed to have bad days, and I don't have to "be strong" for everyone else; she suggested that we will get through this together and I felt less alone.  I'm the "mom" after all; I'm supposed to stay strong for my kids (even if they are grown up) but just getting that little bit of permission from my daughter touched me deeply and reminded me that they will always need me, no matter how old they get and where they go in life.  Maybe it would help your mom to know that you will get through all this together, too, even if you aren't physically close - you can still be emotionally close. I'm sorry - these are just my ramblings and attempt at giving you some kind of help to deal with this. Good luck.  Cynthia

Thank you Cynthia . Iam 23 yrs old and i live close by mom iam about 3hrs away and if i had known what they were doing to her i would have stopped it a long time ago. My dad would have been so mad at them for this. I told them how ashamed of them he would be and now they act like it was my mom making things worse for herself but i dont buy that at all. I leave to go back to school but my brother is commng in to vist her and make sure all is ok again thank you all for everything. I know my mom is still has a long way to go but now she knows that were here for her and she dosent have to do it all by herslef now she will be comming home on Saturday and will start therapy on Monday Wednesday and Friday 3 times a week for now. The drs say all we can do is show her that is she loved and cared for and be there to help her get back to being normal or somewhat normal my mom was so differnet when dad was alive she lost herself but were going to help her find her way back we love her so much i couldnt even think of losing her too. Again thank you all. Nicloe

You're welcome, Nicole.  Your mom, while she won't be aware of maybe right now, really is lucky to have you and your brother.  A lot of grown "children" abandon their parent in times like this, when what is really needed is for the family to put aside their differences and come together.  I'm glad you are close enough to home to drive there.  Think about what your dad would have wanted for you and your brother, too.  I'm sure he would want you to be there for your mom, and for each other, but since you are away at school, I'm guessing he also wanted you to have your independence and growth opportunities.  You can still do that.  I'm really glad your mom will be seeing her therapist 3 times a week.  That should help her to cope with this.  

Take care

Cynthia

Dear Judy - We didn't do anything you probably wouldn't have done yourself if you'd been able to.  Just take you time for yourself, getting back on your feet.  You will - eventually.  My daughter wrote me a card back in January when I'd been having a particularly difficult time; she told me how strong I'd been, how incredibly brave she thought I was and that she understood my pain, and that I can always talk to her - because she talks to me.  But then she said "maybe I can be your purpose for right now...." and somehow, her pointing out that my children, although grown, still need me, and they do give me a purpose helped.  You children will always need you - in a good way.  Take care

Cynthia

Dear Judy,

You're very welcome.

Take Care,

Stan

Well its been a while iam in therapy now and its helping to be able to talk to my dr she also has me going to a group therapy once a week its been hard but iam feeling more in control of myself now. I cannt belive i put my kids thru all that iam so sorry that they had to deal with his family but they have become my watchdogs always making sure iam doing ok that i take my meds and that Brian's sister stays away from me so i can deal with the mess my life has become. I dont know how i would have made it thru all of this without them. I still think of Brian but not crying as much as i used to. Learning to take each day one at a time and that i cannt take on so much. I can only deal with what the day has to offer an no more. That was a hard lesson for me to learn. The other thing i have to trust is that theres people who can help me if i let them i dont have to do this by myself. I've tried to be strong for everyone and some how losted myself in it all. My dr tells me to keep a book to write in when ever iam feeling depress its funny how much a person can write when there hurting so bad Friday i was told that we would be tring something new in therapy they want to bring the whole family together his and mine not sure how thats going to work or if his sister will even come but its been so nice to be able to do things with out having to deal with them i kinda of nervous about going there Friday but my kids have already told me that she promise to be on her best behavior... i never known her to behave at any time to be truefull i put up with them for Brian. But i will try to get thru this not just for my kids but for myself i wouldnt put my kids thru this again. Iam learning to live my life without Brian but that dont mean that i didnt love him because i did and still do love him but i know he would want me to be here with the kids to make a life for myself and i am tring so hard to do that sometimes its just so hard. I hope all of you are doing well and thank you again for all that you have done for my family when i wasnt able to be strong for them.

Dear Judy - Congratulations on the strength you have found to keep going.  I know how hard it is; it's been 4  1/2/ months since I lost my Don and it is going to hurt for a long time; I know that, but then I have to think about what he would have wanted for me and somehow it helps me keep going.  I'm so gald you have found a good therapist; my therapist is wonderful and if I need to cancel an appointment for some reason, we do a phone session - a lot of therapists don't like to do phone sessions, but when I really need to talk, she is there for me.  I am also lucky because I still have my mom around - she is 86 and takes care of my dad who is 95, but she listens to me when I'm having a bad day and doesn't try to fix it or offer platitudes; she just listens and validates my feelings.  I personally think it's good that your family is keeping your sister in law away from you; it sounds like she is what we call toxic to you; she is nothing but negative energy and that is the last thing you need.  If you don't feel ready to have a family session with your inlaws, tell you therapist NO!  Remember, this is for you - you don't have to do anything you are not ready for.  And as you said, one day at a time; baby steps.  One foot in front of the other.  My husband also had a chronic disease before he had cancer; we had several episodes where I wasn't sure he'd make it; a few years ago my brother was very ill and in ICU; my sister in law asked me "How do you do it?  How do you get through this?"  and I said I don't know; I just put one foot in front of the other and trust that it will be okay.  My brother recovered.  My husband didn't.  I believe you when you say you loved your Brian and yes, you do need to learn to live your life without him, as painful as that may be. I believe my husband's spirit is always with me; he is always in my heart.  He was creameated and we've been spreading his ashes all over the world - when someone from out of state comes to visit, like his brother, I ask them to take some ashes to spread wherever they go.  He's (my husband's ashes) has even gotten as far as Denmark, thanks to my daughter.  I just got back to Calilfornia from visiting her and her fiancee in NYC, and we took some of his ashes to a beautiful park a few blocks from her apartment and spread his ashes in the lake in several different spots.  It actually felt good; it felt like a release to let go of some of him.  I know he'll be there, close to my daughter in a way. 

I'm sorry to ramble on like this.  I think from what you write you are doing great; keep it up.  You have a wonderful support group here, and you can always write online in a place people have been where you are, and understand.  Hang in there - it sounds like your children are really great people, and love you.  They are there for you, and they need you too. 

I want to thank everyone for your replies.  I have what I call "meltdowns" when I just cry and sob and walk around the house talking to him and yes, being angry, too; mostly the anger has passed but I still have the "why did you leave me ?" When he was dying I sat with him and gave him permission to go; I had worked for hospice when I was a therapy intern, and I know that sometimes people hold on until someone tells them it's okay to let go and move on, and I truly believe he needed to have permission - he needed to know we'd be okay with him gone.  Even if I didn't really feel that - because what I really wanted to say was "please don't leave me" - I did tell him repeatedly it was okay to go.  Our younger daughter is getting married in September, and she and I are both dealing with the awareness that he won't be here to walk her down the aisle; but that the way it is; he will be there in our hearts.  What bothers me a lot is that her fiance smokes, and I don't want her to ever have to go through this because he didn't quit and died from lung cancer; she said he's very aware of it and more so since he was here with her when her dad died.  He promised to quit before they have their first child, which they plan to do in about a year after the wedding.  But anyway... I want to tell you all that I am feeling better; as it turned out, my daughter (she's in NY; I'm in California) called pretty much as I was ending my meltdown and at least I was able to have a conversation with her.  She had therapy today and felt much better; she sees it as a place she can really let go of her grief and work through it; I am also in therapy and my therapist is great, also.  I do believe my Don is around me in some way; I had some signs in the early days of losing him, but lately only in my dreams.  I wake up at night and just feel him with me.  Crying a good, healthy release.  I just wish he was hear to hold me when I cry!  so I try to imagine he is.  

thank you all again, so much, for providing the space to let this all out.

I'm on the eve of my one year. To think one year ago I was begging my brother,Richie to let go and move on to a place of no pain.His wife(and her new fiance)and kids came to visit this last weekend. I can deal with my pain but how do you save a 8 year old boy who misses his father.His daughter deals much better but my nephew is hurting, which makes me hurt.I'm angry and glad that his wife has the strength to move on(quite quickly)but we hurt. Does that even make sense. I have shed tears for the last 364 days. If you all knew what a good soul my brother was. His life was his wife and kids. I believe his wife is choosing to not deal with pain by moving on and sometimes, it feels to us, his family, that she wants to forget him and have his kids forget, but the only thing I know to be true is that his son misses him. I tried to tell my nephew that his new stepdad seems like a nice guy and I think my brother would approve. I wanted to give him permission to be happy, yet deep inside I am tearing apart. My sister in law only knows this guy for 4 months. Who knows what he is really like. Sometimes I think that this is not the place for me because you all are hurting so much. I come on this site from time to time and today I read Mary Elizabeth Webb's comments, and I wanted to let you know Mary that you really helped and touched me. My brother was all about making the most of life. He had a small house(that I am now living in) and not a lot of money but yet he was so happy with what he had. He didn't let life opportunites pass him by. He jumped all over any chance to go and be happy.Sometimes I thought he was crazy not thinking about the future but he got it. Life is today, this moment. Tomorrow is not promised to us.I always like this line from John lennon,,,,,,,"Life is what happens to us while were busy making other plans." I truly believe that our loved one would want to be missed and remembered, but they would also want us to live.Even laugh. I don't know if I'm making any sense. I know this is a good outlet. I come and type it . Once its out I can shelve it for awhile. The only thing with loss is these feelings come and go. Anyway, tomorrow is one year and I plan to go to work and pick my kid up after work and the next day it will be one year and one day. It will never go away

I havent beent on here in a while now. Its been hard going to therapy so much and having to deal with his family makes me so mad and hurt so much because of them. I finaly feel better about shuting some of his famliy out of my life. I know that he would have not but up with them for this at all. Today was a real eye opener for me at the drs office made me see that his sister is a cold hearted bitch and i dont like using that word a lot but i dont know how else to say it. According to her iam the cause of all that is wrong in her family and if she could fix it i wouldnt get my kids either god i cannt belive her at times she couldnt even come see my husband her brother while he was alive.... so mad i hit the wall in the drs office wishing it was her. Afterwards the dr agree that it may be for the best not to have anything to do with her for now.. i belived i had told her this already but what do i know. As you can tell today was not a great day. It dosent help that this was our week for going away with out the kids to be together always at the beinging of spring before easter we would get grandma and grandpa to watch the kids even if we stayed in town it didnt matter really this was our time for each other to so whatever we want god i miss him so much. I still get depressed a lot but the therapy and meds seem to help and my kids keep checking on me to make sure i doing okay. I want for them to be happy and not have to worry about me and iam working on dealing with Brian's death its just so hard sometimes. I sometimes wonder if I will ever feel whole again the dr tells me that I will in time iam just not so sure sometimes i feel like it would be so easy to just quit but i know i will never put my kids thur that again. Theres days that i go with out even getting up because it hurts to much to think of getting on with my life. Then theres other times when i can think of Brian and not cry but laugh i still miss him but i know he would have wanted me to move on i just cannt seem to do that right now

Dear Judy -

Don't even worry about "moving on" right now; just do the best you can day by day, or minute by minute or whatever works for you right now.  Baby steps. I realized the other day that next week will be five months since I lost my Don and it still hurts more than I can say.  Yesterday I had a major meltdown and it's been a while since that's happened; I just felt very overwhelmed with trying to take care of everything that he dealt with, and there was no joy in anything, and it all seemed so pointless.  My sister in law (my brother's wife) happened to call while I was falling apart, and it did help to have her to talk to.  Today she said she just felt compelled to call at that particular moment; didn't know why then.  

Anyway, my point is, it will get easier bit by bit, but no one can say when or how; it's different for all of us.  And there will be those days that it just hurts more than anyone can imagine; and of course, I'm speaking for myself; I can't speak for anyone else.

My daughter is getting married Sept. 3, and I will definitely be here for that; and I have new grand child coming from my other daughter in June, and I'm looking forward to meeting him, but there is something missing from both events - my husband.  We all miss him; and we all want him here for these events, and for the daily stuff, too.  But he's not here, even tho I do think of him as being with me in my heart. 

I'm glad to hear you are going to therapy and that you are expressing your feelings, even it mean hitting the wall!  You do whatever you need to do to feel better!  

Take care.  

Cynthia

Cynthia

I sorry that i havent been on here more lately. Your allowed to have meltdowns its hard trying to deal with your pain sometimes we need to meltdown so we can pick up the peices afterwards sometimes making us look at pass times to remember all the good times even some of the bad ones with out feeling some hurt over time. I know ive made such a mess of myself but i hope and like to think that iam learning to cope better than i was. It takes time iam learning that also if you every need to talk please know that iam here for you. Just remember to take care of your self. and congrads on your daugthers wedding and becomming a grandma

Judy

Judy; Thank you, and please know that you have nothing to be sorry about!  We all do what we can do; if you're not on here a lot, it's okay.  And I appreciate your comments. And you are right that it takes time; a lot of time.  We can't get over grief, we can't get under it; all we can do it is get through it.  Take care.

Dear Cynthia and Judy,

Take one day at a time. There is not a set time frame for "it" to become easier. Take as much time as you need to become a part of the whole you once were. Death is life altering to those who are left behind. So, now life is different and we must try to adjust...peace will come..remember to grieve, but don't forget how to live.

God Bless and take care!!

Hi Gina i know how hard it is to get thur this but please know that you have friends here that will always listen and try to help. I hate that word cancer it not only takes the one we love but puts the whole family is but thur the ringer over this word.

I hope your doing better today. Its hard but you can only do one day at a time and even then sometimes it seems to much to handle. I know to that family and friends try to make things easier for you sometimes that helps other times it makes them seem worst. All I can say is that if you need to talk and some one to listen I can do that for you anytime you want.

Take care Judy