Im doing alright, Ive been somewhat stressed with other things in my life and feeling a little down. Today Im feeling a little better though. Thankfully I have an amazing support system so that really helps and I know that I will get through it. Im glad medication is helping you feel more stable and that you are feeling good today. I know what you mean sometimes about feeling guilty about being happy and my mom would have wanted me to be happy as well and not be sad because of her.

Julie & Katie, I think one of the hardest things to get through is the quilt of still being here. When our daughter died I felt if I started feeling better, smiling at something I would somehow leave her behind. I have gotten past that now. Like your Mom I know our daughter would want me to be happy. I'm glad to hear you are on some medication. It has helped me a lot. People say that after awhile we adjust better to it. I'm hanging onto that thought.

Team Leukaemia sux!” remembering Jacob
Our family are raising money for the Leukaemia foundation’s” light the Night”( On the 8th of October )
In memory of our son Jacob who lost his battle to AML,
( acute myeloid Leukaemia)
1 day before his 14th Birthday after a courageous fight
Every cent helps please donate if you can at http://my.imisfriendraising.com.au/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=302644
Thank you with love always Jacob’s mum

I have lost my husband to a very aggressive lung cancer on July 20, 2009.
I looked all my life for the right man and I found him 11 years ago and now he is gone and I am so very lost.I am so sad and crying all the time and I so want him to be with me again. i know he is happy and I did not want him to suffer but now I dont know how to go on.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope someday the tears stop for you and you can remember all the good times. I know it doesn't help fill your arms, your heart. But that thought has gotten me through the loss of our daughter. Your grief is so new yet. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

right now thinking and remembering the good times just make me cry like right now. And I want more with him. it just hurts. And I know it takes time. I hate this sadness.

I find it amazing that as an adult I need my parents love & support so very much and they are gone. Nodody loved me, cared for me and listened to me like they do. I am still mostly numb right now but I know the pain will come through.

This morning has been a bad morning. I lost my father to cancer 1 year and 6 months ago. The 1st year was the worst year of my life so far. I'm not sure what triggered the sadness and uncontrollable crying today...probably anything, thats how it usually is. I heard this song "my ship has finally come" and instead of me listening to it and thinking positive things I could only think of my father in Hospice dying waiting on this "ship" and how I feel like he really was not ready to get on the "ship" but he know he had no choice. Does that make any sense. I hope I am wrong but I guess today I feel sad because I know he wasn't ready to die. Now, who is ready to die....I know most people don't really want to die but I don't know how else to explain it. He knew he was dying but not ready to die so soon (within months). Even though he was extremely sick, I think myabe he thought he would beat it, or the doctors would do some kind of surgery to give him more time. Then on the other hand, I knwo he was tired of being sick and not able to care for himself. I feel like an idiot like I'm not explaining this right. Anyway, I hope the members of this group that loss someone to the horrible demon of cancer understands me. Sometimes I miss my dad so much it feels like I can't breathe. I am praying for everyone.

Im so sorry that today has been so difficult for you. I can definately identify wtih you because even though it was painful to watch my mother die, I also knew that she didn't want to be in pain any longer. Im praying for you too and know that anniversaries are always difficult, so allow yourself permission to do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself today! My heart goes out to you and hope you get the support you need today!

Stephanie I am sorry for your loss. It has been almost five years and it almost killed me. I adored him and to watch him suffer so much. Unfortunately, anniversaries are hard. I dread my birthday, Nov 24, Thanksgiving and Christmas since my mom died on August 17, 2009.
This is a wonderful support group if I did not have all you guys I would be in much worse shape.

I lost my Mom over 12 years ago. I still miss her enery, love and laughter. We talked 2-3 times a day and even now I wonder when the phone rings. She too thought she could beat this horrible diese. But it took her away within weeks. They told us we had 6 months left. She fought a brave fight for over 3 years. Why do the good have to die so young? She was my strenght and best friend. No one can even come close to replacing her.

First of all I just want to thank everyone who responded eto my comment. It is really appreciated and it helps a whole lot to know that there really are people out there thaqt understand my feelings and what i'm going through. Again,thank you all cyour strenth and encouragement helps me!

Welcome to everyone that is new here. I am so sorry for your losses. I hope this site helps you as much as it has me. Its the one place you can come to where people understand your grief without judging. We are great listeners as we have been where you are. Gods Blessings

I lost my mom 13 weeks ago and still have trouble accepting the fact that she is really gone. She was my best friend and I feel completely lost without her.

What your feeling is normal Stephanie. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I find myself still wanting to pick up the phone and call mom. We shared everything. Your grief is so new right now, give it time (lots of time) and it will get better. It will never go away, but it will get easier. You are in my prayers. (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

I lost my mother to leukemia - it was sudden and unexpected, in fact she wasn't diagnosed until she was in the ICU. She died 3 days later. Months prior to her trip to the hospital, she had symptoms but they were never properly diagnosed. I miss her every day, she was my best friend.

I started a blog to help find new ways to cope: www.modernmourner.com

It has been almost 5 years since my dad died of colon cancer after a five year battle and I miss him very much. The death of my mom has brought his death back into my face again. I feel so alone!

It was two years this past Oct, since losing Dad....I do not know how to go on. I try and try, but the over whelming sense of loss is almost unbearable. I find myself lying upon his grave, just trying to feel him close to me. I'm not sure the newness of losing him will ever wain. So many times I've needed his advice, but my pleas to the wind fall away.

Vikki, your loss is still so new. All I can tell you is it will take a lot of time for it to get better. I know, we lost our daughter 9 yrs ago and my Dad 10 yrs ago. If you need to vent or cry or whatever please come here and share with us. We do understand. I am praying for you and your family. God Bless

Oh how I feel what you are all feeling. I lost my husband 4 months ago to a very aggressive cancer. he was not diagnosed until he collasped and was taken by ambulance to a hospital and one week later he died, He also was not feeling well for the previous month and he took all the right steps so we thought. Its a good thing he did not have to suffer long. All I wanted was to say good by and let him know I loved him. He gave me a couple of days. He will always be my hero. My soulmate.
I needed to grief, although I knew he did not want me too. I cried and I cried and the tears still come rolling down my face just over a simple song. or going to the cemetary. i just sob. then I cry all the way home.
I loved him and I know this is all normal for me. and so it is for you.

Diana, I can't imagine how your feeling. Your loss is so new yet. Our daughter died 9 years ago. So I can tell you that with time it will get softer. There will always be an empty spot and days where there is pain. But it won't be every day. Your right about the crying being normal and then will come anger. Dealing with a death comes in stages. I'm so sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my thoughts, my heart and I will pray for you. God Bless

I lost my mom last July 22nd. She died four months after being diagnosed with Stage IV Lung Cancer. While she lived in Hawaii and I live in Las Vegas I spent a month in hawaii then came home for 6 weeks then back again for six weeks during which time she passed away. My older sister cared for her while I wasn't there but worked so she needed me to help care for her since I don't work. I had to switch back and forth leaving my husband and daughter behind to take care of my mother. I have two other sisters, but they chose to continue on with their own lives. I feel so bad because I couldn't be there for mom in those last hours. I have a disability that exhausts me and we had spent all day at the cancer center. I told my mom I needed a nap so left her in her room to also nap. Later that night I checked up on her and she was complaining of heartburn. I told her to take a tums and if she felt worse to call for me. Turns out less then one hour later she had died in her sleep. I found her the next morning, peacefully looking asleep like a cherub. I feel like I didn't do enough for her. Like in her last moments I just said "take a tums". She wasn't one to complain at all, but I feel I should have known more. How do you deal with this guilt?

Tania, Grieving is a strange and difficult time. and also very personal.
The one thing I have learned in my jouney with death of loved ones is that if they want you there to see then die you will be there. otherwise if they dont want you with them at tha time you wont be. This Was Moms choice.
I was not at my Moms side when she died but I was there the night before. I treasure those times with her. Very special .

Hi, I lost my baby to breast cancer also. CHF (congestive heart failure.) She died in her sleep. I just can't go on now. She is my everything and now she's gone. All the horrible people in the world and all our good love ones has to be taken. WHY???? Please tell me why? I wish I could die right now, so we can be together forever. I know it will come, the time will come again when we are together but I wish it was right now. OH GOD MY BABY IS GONE. I love you Katrina. I love you with all my heart my love. I love you Katrina, my love, my baby. MY WIFE. I LOVE YOU.

My heart aches for you Jeshloves. I CANNOT TELL YOU WHY. AND I
i KNOW WE HAVE TO GET THROUGH THIS SOMEHOW. AND WE WILL. SOMEDAYS ARE EASIER AND SOME ONLY TEARS. OUR LOVES , OUR LIVES
OUR HAPPINESS. FORCED TO BE IN A PLACE WE DON'T WANT TO BE.
NOW YOU HAVE ME CRYING. BUT THATS OK.
EACH TEAR GETS ME STRONGER. EACH TEAR LETS ME KNOW HOW i TRULY LOVED MY SPOUSE. KEEP WRITING IT DOES HELP.

I'm trying Diana. God I'm trying but complete each other. I'm 30 & she is 25 our love will always be the strongest and though we will be together again and forever when the time comes. I cannot live w/o her. Every chance we got the words,"I love you baby" came out of each other's mouths. Her last words to me was,"I LOVE YOU HUSBAND" OMGGG I LOVE YOU. Then baby never woke up. Oh god. I'm dying right now. Why god somebody tell me why? I cannot stop crying and the hurting is so bad. I was going to be an M.D. but when I met her I fell so much in love w/ her I stopped because I want to spend every second w/ her. Now. I can't continue. I'm sorry.
I love you always my baby. My love, my sweetheart, my princess you will always be the love of my life and I will never love again. Until we are together again my baby. I love you Katrina, my wife my baby.
Ajesh love Katrina FOREVER.

i UNDERSTAND. THE HURT WILL LESSEN. i JUST WENT TO BED WITH A PICUTRE OF MY HUSBAND AND HELD HIM ALL NIGHT. AND WOKE UP WITH HIM IN THE MORNING. i WAS ABLE TO FEEL HIM RIGHT THERE WITH ME. SHE IS THERE WITH YOU. lISTEN FOR HER. FEEL HER. SHE IS YOUR STRENGTH EVEN NOW.

Diana, god knows I am trying. This is something I wish I could do but it hurts so much. I can't eat, can't sleep can't do anything Diana. We are each other's lives. It's like what would you get if you take water from the ocean? The Sun from our lives? That how it is now. It's that bad. We kept each other's life going, made each other complete. Now I really hate life as I know it. Without Katrina, its not worth it. I'm sorry.
I love you my baby, we will be together. I love you so much my wife. My everything, my world. My BABY!!!

Can Thanksgiving be only days away? I have so much to be thankful for but I find myself saddened that our daughter won't be here again this year to share it with us. Holidays are the hardest for all of us. Everyone walks around all joyous when all I want is to get them over with. A part of me died the day our daughter died. There will always be that empty, lonely place inside me. I am praying for everyone, that you get the love, comfort and support you need as these holiday's pass by us.

I just lost my mom, who was also my best friend to stage 4 lung cancer with mestasis to the bone last Friday. She was perfectly healthy and never smoked or drank. She got a bad back ache about 2 years ago and after several doc visits, it was confirmed to be cancer. Words can not describe the pain I have in my heart. I miss her so much and its only been a week. I saw her in so much pain and wanted her to pass on so she didn't have to suffer anymore...she was in diapers and could not talk or even more w/out being in pain, but now selfishly I want her back here so I can hold her just one last time. I can't imagine the rest of my life w/out her. She was only 55 years old and she wasn't ready to die. She cried to me saying she wanted to live to see her grandchildren grow up (my 2 small kids), its just so sad. But she was a very strong Christian and never wavered in her faith. I know exactly where she is now, but it doesn't take the pain in my heart away. I asked her to come to me in my dreams and tell me she is ok. I am really hoping she can figure out a way to do that. Ok, I will stop rambling! Thanks for listening!

Kirstine,

I am very sorry to hear about your mom. I cannot relate to the hurt you feel losing a parent as I still have both of my folks; and I am nearly the age of your mother, I am 52. My sons lost their dad just about a year ago to Melanoma, their dad was 50. I have had a hard time relating to their hurt as well. Your mom sounds like she was a very strong Christian woman. She is with the Lord and one day you will be with her too. Until then, keep her alive in your heart, talk about her, look at pictures of her, laugh about funny things she used to do or talk about; as long as you do that she will always remain a part of your life. Cry often because it's all right to cry. Always remember your mom! Take care.

It's a tough thing. I still can't get over the passing of the love of my life. Everyday is, well worst than the next since she passed. All we can do is cheerish the memories, love the passed ones and remember one day we'll be together again.
It's so true what they say, the best ones get taken first. Why??? I don't know.
I love you my baby...love you always Katrina.

i lost mom on feb 10th and the pain is still so fresh i dont know how to go on w/my life without her i was her only child so im really having a hard time with this i cant even listen to sissy's song cuz it makes me cry mom had non cureable leukemia she had it for a year the last couple of months she had to get blood and platelets almost every 2 days i get mad then i cry for no reason at all i wish she was still here i dont want the memories I WANT HER

well it's march 22nd and it's moms bday today she would have been 57 today and it's hard cuz I can't even call mom and tell her happy bday or take her out for dinner and then go shoping for whatever she would want or need . I still find myself picking up the phone to call her and then I juut hang the phone up cuz then I rember that she's not here with me anymore .about 2 or 3 weeks ago I found out that mom also had head and neck cancer and mom didn't tell anyone at first I was mad but now I understand why mom didn't tell me but it still hurt . I don't think this pain is ever going to go away

Lost my husband less than 3 weeks ago but I already feel like I need to reach out to others like myself because I am surrounded by people who want so much to be sympathetic and kind but when they claim that they understand, it is simply not true because none of them have lost a loved one to cancer. My husband was only 50 years old and had had kidney cancer for the last 5 years. Originally diagnosed in 2005, he had a nephrectomy and was cancer free until October of 2008, when it recurred in his spine. We were together for 16 years and spend nearly 24 hours a day, 7 days a week togethe. Because we had both been married before to workaholics who cared more about their careers then either of us it was a mandate for both of us to be in a relationship where it came first. We succeeded in that and it was a wonderous time for us both. I find that one of the things that I miss the most is just having him around to talk to me. It is hard to lose your husband, best friend, lover, mentor, teacher, and all of the other things that he was in one blow. This is so very, very hard and I miss him so much it is breaking my heart.

HI, just joined today. Much like Suzanne, I'm joining 3 weeks after losing my husband to pancreatic cancer. He was diagnosed 1/20/2010, died 4/9/2010. I've been keeping myself insanely busy since his death. I went ahead with the move he and I had planned 4 days after he died, and since then I've been painting, cleaning, arranging, shopping, etc some days from early morning to early morning. Yesterday I was at Home Depot, talking to someone about ordering a new countertop when she mentioned it was Friday. I burst into tears, and haven't quite stopped since. For more than a few minutes, anyway. I guess it just finally hit me. I immediately started searching for a support group and finally landed here!

I am having in incredibly bad day today for no apparent reason other than I miss my honeyman. What triggered it this time? Who knows. Could have been the Bob Dylan song playing on the radio this afternoon or the fact that I cleaned out the freezer today and there were some things in there I bought just for him. I am beginning to be worn out from this emotional earthquake. If anybody wants to talk off the boards, my email is on my profile. Suzanne Ballard

Its been 3 months since I lost my mom and you will see below that I mentioned me asking her to come to me in my dreams. I was giving up hope, but last night she did! She told me she was worried about me b/c she had seen me crying so much and being so sad. She told me not to cry for her or worry about her. She said she is alive more than ever and that Heaven is everything she said it would be and more. She told me she is always with me even if I can't see her. My husband said I was just sitting in bed fast asleep talking away to her. It was so comforting to be with her again. For the first time since Jan 22, I woke up today with a bounce in my step. My mom told me that this is only temporary and that we will be together again one day and won't ever have to part again. This was the BEST Mother's Day blessing I could have ever received! I was so dreading Sunday, but now it won't be as rough b/c I know I haven't really lost her.....I knew that all along, but hearing her tell me made it that much more awesome!

thats awesome Kirstine, I'm so glad for you to have that time with your mom again, even if it is a dream for now.

So badly missing my mom today. I am almost 3 months pregnant and as a girl, you know this is when you need your mom! My sister uploaded some pics today to facebook and there was a pic with my mom and my baby boy when he was born 2 years ago. It was a photo at the hospital. For the life of me, I don't know how I am going to handle that whole hospital ordeal this time around w/out her. Normally I would panic, call her, she would tell me she was on my way and speed down to be there with me and once she got there I was fine. Its just so weird w/out her here and the worst day of the year is on Sunday to make me even sadde...Mother's Day! :( Its going to hurt so bad!

Hang in there, sweet Kirstine. You will make it. We are here for you.
MaryJane, We all understand here at this forum. You can email me anytime you need to talk.
And to Lilly, Sue, Carolyn and everyone else here, this is going to be a hard weekend for a lot of folks, so remember that we are all here for each other.

Namaste, all my new friends. Wish we'd met under different circumstances, but we did meet and that is what is important now.

yes, I expect this weekend will be especially hard for us. Most any holiday or anniversary just really hit the heart, sometimes I don't even know what the problem is, it's almost unconscious, I'll have a horrible day, and then realize its our wedding anniversary, I've never tried this... i wonder if I planned to do something fun on a sad day, if it would work. I might try it this weekend. My thoughts are with all of my new friends.

well I am going to wallow in misery, but I can't help it. I plan on going to the cemetary and just laying by her and crying my eyes out until I get it all out. My husband asked me what I wanted for Mother's Day, I told him not mentioning the holiday at all would be the best present he could give me. I just can't help it. I can't bring myself to going to church and seeing everyone get up to hug their mom when the pastor says to b/c I am just so mad I don't have my mom anymore. I love God with all my heart and I know he has his reasons, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. Ok, thanks for letting me vent! :)

It is your grief and yours alone. Don't let anyone tell you how to feel or how to deal...just do what you have to do for yourself.

I'm new on here and I'm not sur exactly what to say --there are so many emotions swirling around me right now. One minute I'm mad as hell and then the next I'm crying. My heart hurts so bad at times I think I'm having a heart attack. I lost my soul mate to lung cancer 3 weeks ago. John and I were married 5/2/1969. Our marriage ended in divorce 4 yrs and one baby later. He went his way and I mine. But we kept in touch through the years. He remarried first and then I did. I was married to a wonderful christian man for 27 years,Larry, we put his children (4 girls) and mine (1 boy) together as a family. Larry would even talk to John when He would call. Larry was a great dad to my son. I lost Larry in 2006 to esophgel and stomach cancer. I loved him very much and had a good life. His death was hard but we had 3 years to come to terms with the cancer. With John it was so different - I nerver stopped loving John. I had been IN LOVE with him since I was 18 yrs old. We had a son together and had kept in touch -- He came on a visit in Sept.2009 and It was like we had never been apart. we were in love again and both of us knew it. He decided to move from N.Y. to Missouri to be here with me. He moved here in Oct. and we were extremely happy. Both of us felt like teenagers again.In Jan he got sick and was in the hospital-we thought he had pneumonia. and that's when they found spots on his lungs- they did a biopsey the end of Jan and when we went back for the results drs. told us it was small cell cancer and he had 6 months to a year. He decided not to go through any treatment as it would only give him "maybe" 6 more months. We decided to remarry on our anniversary, May2. on April 12 John passed away. I feel very cheated, we were so looking forward to our "golden years" together. I fell confused, forsaken, angry, extremely sad,lost and depressed all at once. The pain or hurt I feel on the loss of John is so more intense.than it was with Larry. I want to understand the "WHY" even though I know in my head I 'm not to question God's reasons but my heart wants an anwser. I feel sick in my soul and I cry at the drop of a hat, Ijust feel like a robot doing want I have to. sometime the flood of tears just won't stop.

Becky, I lost my mom to lung cancer as well. She never smoked and out of the blue got a bad back ache. She was 55 so we figured she was just getting older or maybe had fibromyalgia, but it was lung cancer....stage 4. Its normally not caught until its incurable. Its the number 1 killer of both men and women in the U.S. Horrible diesease! I am so sorry for your loss and I will keep you in my prayers. Email me if you want to talk more kirstinerushing@hotmail.com I just lost my mom on Jan 22, so its rough!

There is so much sadness and grief expressed here on these forums that it is sometimes makes me sadder. But tonight, as I have for the last several nights, been looking at the photos posted here and it suddenly occurred to me that there is also an incredible amount of love and joy here. It is evident in the pictures that have been posted here. We want others to know our loved ones...what they were like, how they were kind, funny, handsome or beautiful and when I looked at these photos tonight I saw all the love. It was beautiful and it lifted me up.

My ex-mother in law has lost both sons and just lost her husband approx 1 month ago. I know everyone grieves in their own way, but I kind of feel like she is shutting me out. I don't want to pry my way in, but I want her to know that I am here for her. She has 1 daughter that lives near by and I suppose is giving her a lot of support, I have sent a couple of cards and she has called once when she knew I was at work and left a message saying she just doesnt feel like talking which I totally respect. What should I do next, I have just been waiting for her to contact me...because I dont want to impose...I'm not sure what I should do if anything.... any suggestions?

Lilly, I would just give her some time. Its so hard not to shut people out. I did this to my own husband. Its like you just want to hide from the world sometimes. I would just give her some time/space and send her nice cards in the mail so she knows you are there when she is ready.....

Hello. I am new here. I lost my grandfather, whom I was very close to, to small cell lung cancer 2 months ago. He meant the world to me and literally watching day by day as he died was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. Sometimes it feels as though it was just yesterday. Sometimes it feels as if it's been years. Other times, it feels as if it never even happened. I had always looked up to him as a child and continued to do so throughout my teen years. He was a talented musician. And Walt Disney World was his favorite place on earth. And it was even better when he got to take us along. Although he didn't always fully express it, he had the biggest heart of us all. I don't think that I'll ever truly get over his death, nor do I believe that anyone ever does. He will always be in my heart along with the many memories. Prior to his death, I suffered from and still am suffering from depression. I have been depressed for about a year and a half and with his death, I feel more out of control than ever before. When he first passed, I hardly grieved because my mum and I went to stay with my gram. My mum had been staying there for months helping take care of him. But I felt like that with all that my gram and mum went through, I had to be strong for them. Two months later and I am basically just now starting to really grieve. The past few weeks have been especially hard as memories flash through my mind. From Disney and sunsets and music, to the funeral. We all knew it was coming, but that didn't make the hit any less hard. What I could really use now though, is for someone to come up to me, give me a big hug, and say 'It's okay to cry.' This is something that's hard for me because I am a very "keep my emotions all to myself" kind of person.