Barb birthdays are always hard. Spend the day the way you need to. 

I can say nothing or I can honestly tell you I spent the first year crawled up on my bathroom floor just crying all day until someone opened the door to check on me. When I looked up I saw 9:00pm on the clock and realized I survived it.  Until that moment I literally felt like I would die that day.  I gone through more birthdays with Valentines every where I look as a in my face reminder. 

Barb I will also tell you this.....I did not spend the past two years on the bathroom floor and don't expect to this year either.  I did spend them crying my eyes out though. But it wasn't on the bathroom floor. My anxiety is already starting and February isn't even here yet. 

I expect to cry, not sure what else I'll do but I know I will do what I can so I'm not on that floor.  In time I want to be able to celebrate Michael's life rather than mourning it.  I'm just not there.

Tammy all I can tell you is it is a slow process and in time you will find yourself moving to a different place.

Sharon...Medication, mediums etc....they are all personal choices. I say do whatever you need to to survive it.

I remember in the beginning I thought the harder I tried the quicker I could deal with it. I was wrong!  Ladies just do what you need to to take care of yourself and to process this.   Don't rush yourself or think you need to be healed to please others.

I am sick with a bad cold and it makes me feel so out of control. I can't keep it all together when I feel this way. Last week was both mines and my husbands birthdays. I always feel so guilty getting to have a birthday. Those times really drive home the truth of this life. Daniel is never coming home. I still can't deal with everything in his room. It's getting hard to be in my house but right now we can not move. I need to change my house, maybe redecorate. Make his room the music room. I know he'd love that. But I have no energy, no motivation. I feel stuck and in despair. But I know he lives on and I hear him say "I'm right here. Don't give up."  I have faith in a divine power so I keep going but time seems to have no meaning. I cannot believe it has been over 3 years. I feel stuck in that moment I found out he was gone. Day to day life is so tough. I am trying to learn from it all and change those things about myself that I regret. Giving service to others helps - but when you are sick it's hard to do that. Just needed to vent today - feeling so down. Hugs to everyone

Gabriel (Lolly)

WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF . I did not expect to be here after I lost you, I thought , no I knew I would just die in my sleep but I did not. May 26, is 5 years and I do get up each morning and wonder what you would do on your 21st birthday coming up? How can this be my life. How was I so blessed to have a wonderful caring son.  

Feb. 15,2016- will be 9 months without my son, my Logan, forever 20. I lost him 5/15/15 in a kayaking accident. I still can barely function, cannot work, therapy every week, medication for depression. Lost , so lost. I raised Logan as a single mom- he was my world. there will be no college graduation, no marriage, no grandkids, no one to even leave anything to when I die. Society,people have absolutely no clue...until it happens to them.

I have not been here in what seems like a long time.  Last Oct.  I was diagnosed with breast cancer and with all the doctor appointments, testing and surgeries (2) I have not been online much.  I finally had to have a mastectomy on Jan 21.  I should be cancer free now but I didn't seem to be stressed out when they told me I had cancer.  I just took it calmly and my family couldn't understand my attitude as they were upset.  I think that after a child loss nothing can shock us that much.  At least I guess that is how it is for me.  Each day I am grateful to be here with my family but I also count it as one day closer to being with my son again.

Connie, I am sorry that you are not feeling well.  I know it' can be harder on us when we are physically ill.  Seems to bring things so much closer to the surface.  I hope you will soon be feeling better. 

For all the new Moms that are here I can only tell you to take it as it comes.  Feel your pain, cry, scream.  Whatever you need to do, just do it.  It doesn't seem healing at the time, but it is and gradually it will ease.  It's a slow process but you are all strong women or you wouldn't be here.  Your children have only physically moved.  They are always with you; in every memory, every picture, every breath.

Love and hugs to all.

Oh Ammy I am so sorry to hear what you've been through. I am an 11 year breast cancer survivor. There was no way that cancer was going to take me out. I had my son to raise. He was 10 at the time. 3 years later he was diagnosed with Crohn's disease and I became his caretaker. My cancer made me stronger  to deal with all the hospitals etc he had to later. I know it was hard on my son while I was going through treatment for a year. But I think it helped him too - to understand that we can get through the worst. And he did - only to ripped from this earth in a damn car accident. All of our life experiences have value. You know now that you can handle ANYTHING since you've lost a child. I am so happy to hear you are cancer free now and will keep you in my prayers. I know your son is with you and yes we are all one day closer to seeing them again. Thanks for your kind words.

I love you Michael! I miss you so bad! 

I hope your dancing with the angels today!

MOMMY LOVES YOU MIKE! 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIKE!

You'll always be my Smurf!

As much as I tried to prepare myself dam this HURTS!!!!!!!!

Hppy Birthday to Mike in Heaven <3 Hugs Teresa

Thinking of you and Michael today. Love and prayers to you both.

Sending hugs Teresa and saying prayers.

Thank You!

Thank you for always being there!

Michael's birthday I woke up crying.  No matter how hard I tried to stop I just couldn't.  Until my niece called.  It was obvious she was struggling with the day.  She told me she feels guilty enjoying the day and how she flipped out on her boyfriend for showering her with gifts.

Hearing her struggle, I wiped my tears and began to give her a speech about how Michael wouldn't want us all to feel guilty or stop enjoying the day.

I was telling her what I can't hear myself.

TERESA... I'm so sorry I missed Michael's birthday... I have been progressively dragged down into the depths this month.. also Brandon's birthday month... I'm no good for anything anymore... have NO incentive to do anything after so long of nothing working no matter what I try to do... and I'm so bummed by the upcoming election candidates and the things that are happening in this country which I hadn't been paying any attention to for so long... I just want to self medicate and hide... but I can't even find an effective way to self medicate any more.. I used to be able to unwind with a couple of beers, but now they seem to have no effect but to bloat me and make me even more exhausted and cranky.. and I don't dare drink anything hard because it always turns me into a screeching bitch... and doesn't help anyway.. I've been craving cigarettes too but so far haven't given in.. everything is gray and cold here and we can't get up to the mountain because of the weather and snow and our old van breaking down... I did have one touch from Brandon ... I bought a bunch of lilies for his little table because I wanted flowers for him during his birthday month.. I was expecting to be overwhelmed with their wonderful aroma... but they seemed peculiarly to have NO aroma.. I was telling that to an online friend a few days after I bought them and AS I WAS TYPING I began to smell them strongly all around me... but when I tried actually smelling the flowers they STILL didn't seem to have any aroma... I know our guys are alive and well but it's just not helping much.... I miss Brandon so much and everything else just seems a blur most of the time... I try to do things with Bo when he'll let me, but he seems depressed and only wanting his dad most of the time, and his dad seems so depressed and exhausted himself that there's nothing much going on between us either.. we don't fight but we just don't seem to connect much anymore... I feel alone and worthless and like all I'm doing is waiting to die... because of my totally down state I don't come in here and spread my gloom any more.. I figure everyone in here has enough to deal with without my whining and complaining... but I felt bad that I missed Michael's birthday... it seems crazy to even say 'happy' anything these days.. but I do wish it for you and I know Michael and Brandon are BEYOND happy.. I hope and pray that eventually this total desperation will start to lift.. I feel totally unable to find my way anymore and feel like my life is never going to be much of anything from here on out.. and so I tend to keep it all to myself all the time and avoid anyone that I might find myself blabbering to about my own troubles... so again sorry for missing Michaels day and I do care about you all more than I can express....

I am so sorry Teresa. Sometimes you gave to let all that pain out. It's much easier to "know" things to than to actually live it. Intellect comes from our mind not our spirit. Even though our spirit knows our children live on and someday we will be together again in the same form, we are still here and it is so tough to be without them. I always feel guilty on my birthday because why should I get one and he doesn't? I am already crying as Daniel's birthday approaches next month. He would have been 21.  Just how are we supposed to celebrate that? I guess what I am trying desperately to learn is that they still do feel our pian, our joy and strive to find somehow to share that with them. I am going to have a singing bowl "toning circle" this year. I feel that music and sound transcend dimensions and that Daniel will be here to join in. Did you read about how scientists were able to record and compress the sound of the sun in the last couple of weeks? It makes the sound of AUM and tones to a middle C. Crazy and yet not. Michael worked through you that day to comfort your niece. I wish I could give you a big hug. Hugs all around.

AMMY so sorry to hear about all you have been through... it never stops does it... I don't even begin to know what to say... so just HUGS and know I think of you all often... just have been trying to keep my horrible self to myself... I am just a mess and it just seems to do nothing but get worse with time...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHmQZMnp42E

Connie K , you are so right as is everyone on this website,  Why am I here and Gabriel is not, my head and spirit know I will see him again but my heart aches so much as the 5th anniversary and his 21st birthday a week later approach, I sobbed and cried so hard 2 nights ago because the sorrow builds and builds as you try to get through each day and look for some joy that nay come your way each day and then the dam breaks. I was eating lunch at work when the call came about the accident, how did I not feel the world stop when he died?

I come to this website twice a week and I see that MOMS saying what I feel every day. How am I doing people ask and I say OK but I'm not! I put on a semi smile when people see me and tell myself at least I'm trying and to hang in there because you will see him again

Toni, I went to work Monday bragging about how much my son loved me and how much he expressed it in the phone call.  Not knowing after that phone call he hit the floor and was waiting to be discovered, yet there I was at work bragging.  I ask myself all the time why didn't I hear something as we talked? How did I not feel something was terrible wrong? 

Connie your song has touched me and I hear the words in my head.  "Momma don't cry for me I'm living in eternity" . I think it hits home for me because I know you dug deep into your soul for the words.

Dolly it is so great to hear from you.  I miss my feisty friend.  You can't cause me any gloom.  I'll listen to any whining you need to do. 

Some many of you think your here to get help without realizing you have at the least helped me a lot.  People who came in when I did I feel like your my best buds because I took this journey with you.  those who came before me helped me not be so disappointed because they spoke the truth without telling me it's going to get better.

Those behind me....sorry but you remind me where I was and make me see the progress I have made. 

I need all of you.  Those who want to rant and whine it's okay cause it let's me know my ranting and whining is okay. 

Also Dolly no doubt Brandon made sure you were aware of his presence through the smell of those lilies. 

I am ever so grateful for all of those that I have been on this journey with.  THANK YOU! 

Hugs to you Jill (((  )))

I find myself agreeing with everything that is said here...

From Dolly,  "I feel totally unable to find my way anymore and feel like my life is never going to be much of anything from here on out.. "

so absolutely true for me...I am just passing the time. Everyday I pray for God to take me to my son. Some seem to get their footing, but I have been unable to, and I always knew, if something happened to one of my children again, it would be it for me...(I lost my infant son at a Bible Study, he was taking a nap and passed to SIDS, I had no clue this even existed at the time.).

I internally reference myself to the name Mara, which in the bible refers to the Book of Ruth, the Mother-in-law, who lost all her children and husband. She changed her name from Naomi to this because of the bitterness of her life.

I lost my son just over a year ago to a heart aneurysm.  He lived in Phoenix and he drove out to the lake, got out of his truck and fell on the ground.  He was hooked up to life support for over 24 hours but he was brain dead.

Some days I am okay.  Some days it just hits me and I am sobbing remembering him as a baby, as a little boy, as a teenager.  He had a drug problem from the time he was 14 he was an addict but he did manage to get clean the last two years of his life.  His life was painful for me I was always worried about his doing drugs but his death is even more painful.  He was my only child.  I had suffered tubal pregnancies and lost two babies in my tubes after he was born.

I think back on his childhood and I regret so many things.  I was very young when he was born and I came from an incestuous dysfunctional family.  I had no idea how to raise a child but I loved him with all my heart.  This is so hard to go through, your children are supposed to outlive you.

Christine, I am truly sorry for the loss of your son.  All of us here know how you feel and it's true that we never think our child(ren) will not be here because we are suppose to go first.  

One thing I have learned for me is that there is no exact way to understand everything associated with child loss.  We share our feelings and we all seem to relate and yet each one is individual and separate.  The one thing that I found to help me the most was to just concentrate on today.  If it's a bad day, feel bad.  Don't suppress your emotions.  If it's an okay day or even a good day don't feel guilty.

Try to not think on the regrets; those are in the past; you did your best.  Switch your thoughts of regret to a happy memory.  

Our love for our child(ren) doesn't die.  They live on in us.  

I pray everyone is well and send hugs to all.

Hi everyone.  I'm new here but my 25 year old son passed away almost 4 years ago.  At the time he passed my husband was battling cancer and I was the caregiver for both him and my elderly mom.  My husband died 16 months after our son.  My Mom died in December.  So, now I am living alone for the first time in my life.  I knew how to be a daughter, a wife and a mom. I' m now trying to learn how to be just me.  I've read all your posts and my heart goes out to each and every one of you.

Dee I don't like to say, Welcome! Just not the kinda of group you like to welcome anyone to.  I'm with you I have to learn to live without my Michael.  Still trying to figure that out.

Dear Dee

 I am so sorry for all of your losses. That must have been incredibly difficult for you to go through. I hope you can find some support and comfort here. Sending you love and hope. Connie

Just sending hugs to all. We are approaching what would have been Daniel's 21st birthday. This one is super hard. I am having a hard time planning anything or even functioning very well and  reality is really hitting hard. Two days ago his kitty Sylvia was killed by a coyote in the morning. She had run out of the door when my husband left for work and it was just dawn - with the time change  - much darker. I found her and it was just horrible. Somehow this precious kitty (she was 13) dying just feels like too much. Instead of feeling stringer, I just feel overwhelmed and like I'm never going to come out of this all encompassing pain. I am so tired of putting on the mask, of trying to explain, of feeling like hell all the time....just so tired.....I don't even want to talk to anyone because no one gets it. RIP my sweet baby girl. She is with Daniel now. I have more family there than here now. Thanks for listening. <3

You all have been in my thoughts and prayers.  I've noticed that everyone has been kind of quiet lately.  I hope you all are coping and this is a good sign.  I don't believe that life will ever be as good as it was, but we have to have hope that it does get easier.

Connie, I understand how hard this birthday is going to be.  In life it's a special birthday.  In loss I can only imagine what you are feeling and thinking.  All the possibilities gone.  I was blessed to have my son until one month past his 41st birthday and I do wonder sometimes how I am going to feel on his 50th if I am here.  I know it will be difficult since I already wonder about it.  I believe you will make it a memorable one even if Daniel isn't with you physically because we know he is always with you; in you.  I am so sorry that you lost Sylvia.  I know it only adds to the heartache.  I will be praying for your strength to sustain you.

My love, thoughts, and prayers are with you all.

Thank you Connie and Theresa for welcoming me to the group.

Connie, my heart goes out to you.  The days leading up to our "special days" are the worst.  My son, Josh, died four years ago yesterday.  It is very hard for me when the Saint Patrick's Day decorations start appearing each year.  I also understand how hard it is losing Sylvia.  One of my dogs  belonged to my son and he has brought me much comfort and love over the years. Whatever you plan to do for Daniel's birthday, I hope it brings you comfort.

Michael's dog left shortly after him, I swore it was of a broken heart.  Or maybe Michael was calling him and he went. 

Connie, thank you for sharing that. It touched my heart. 

I'm sorry for the loss of your cat.  I have 2 dogs that are like my kids. 

Ammy it is so nice to hear from you and I agree the room has been quite lately.   

for me I think last summer I moved to "reality" and while I thought it was going to be easier it feels just as hard as the first 3 years just in a different way.

I know I can no longer fill my mind with telling myself stuff like "he's at work" and I now know I can no longer negotiate his return.  This is hard for me because I have to face that this is IT! 

Michael is gone!  Knowing it and facing it is two different things for me.

I am facing it now.  But now I ask myself everyday how do I live with it?  It's almost like I have to figure out how to live again.  Don't know what things are going to look like in the future but I know I can't stay in the place I have been and I feel ready to take on the next phase.

I want to remember Michael with a smile and not break down every time I feel a happy moment because he is not here to enjoy it.

I'm saying a lot of stuff right now and maybe it is all confused in my head but I'm determined to get somewhere in this.

Connie I too am feeling very sad and alone.  Everyone has moved on while I'm still focused on Michael morning noon and night.  And while we all know each other is out there it is something how we still feel so alone.

My nephew is getting married in nov. and I'm already all emotional over it.  I want to be there and will be there but I have to see what Michael will never get to experience.  So I have not figured out how to live with this or maybe this is how I live with it.

I come to this room because people in my own life think I am strong.  I don't care how strong someone is no one is this damn strong to endure this alone.  This room has given me the support I needed to survive. 

I'm rambling but see I can do that here and you guys have let me know I can. 

I'm in a confusing place but I am so determined to figure out how to get to a better place. 

Whether people fade away or not everyone will forever be apart of my new life.

I miss talking to my friends in here but I am so often such a sad sack I began to feel like I was just dragging everyone farther down... I miss Brandon all the time .. it's changed some .. not better or easier though... I keep being hit with 'realizations' like ... now I have been missing him for almost 3 whole years.... when getting through one day seemed like three years... now three years seems like forever and no end in sight... I had a terrible scare with my husband about two weeks ago.. he suddenly went into a seizure like stance and stopped breathing for about 30 seconds.. now they are testing his heart function and if that is ok will look at his brain if he will let them...the only 'positive' thing that came from that was a sort of reassurance about how Brandon died the way he did.... when Chaz wasn't breathing I whacked him on the chest and shook him and yelled at him and nothing happened... then I screamed at God that I couldn't do this and please help us... and was just going to the phone when he woke up.. and was lucid and got up.. he didn't want to tell anyone what had happened but I convinced him to at least go to the doctor who convinced him to get some tests.. but I believe God raised him up and sent him back to me.. and when I had time to think about it I realized that God could have done that with Brandon too... but He didn't.. so now I don't feel so guilt ridden about how maybe it was something I did or didn't do that let Brandon die.... maybe God let me go through this last terror with my husband to show me that when my loved ones leave me its God's time and right ...it doesn't feel right to me... and it breaks my heart and terrifies me... but somehow it gives me a glimmer of hope that God is in control .. truthfully sometimes this is NO help but sometimes it  helps a bit at least...

What a horrifying experience you just went through with your husband Dolly. It is good he has decided to go to the doctor and have the seizure episode checked out. It sounds like we are all in the same place emotionally right now. I have been walking about four miles everyday with the spring like weather. It is the one activity that settles my mind and calms me physically.   My husband is away for a week, and I've noticed how different being alone is for me since Kyra died. I feel the huge void of Kyra's presence being in the house with no one around.  She had been off living her life far from Vermont, but she was only a phone call away.  For the past few days I have been feeling very sad and abandoned or just feeling sorry for myself. I am having a girlfriend over for dinner tonight which I hope will lift me out of this funk. I feel so close to you all after 2 1/2 years without having physically  met you. I am needing a sign from my daughter again that she is okay and I'll see her again. I don't think the shrub she gave me 7 years ago for Mother's day made it through this winter and I feel awful about it. The pain is always with us but sometimes it really rears itself up with such intensity. Peace and loving kindness to everyone here. lynn

Lynn - so good to hear from you. I just dug up the poor little tree we all planted for Daniel because it was not making it through the drought. I brought it home and rub it everyday and say come on you can do it. Live. Damn it. Live. But I don't know it it will come back  - in the meantime the new drought tolerant sage I planted in it's place and the other pants in the garden look beautiful. And so, the garden is what matters. To keep the cycle going... to keep putting out the love so one day we can claim it... Love to you all

Connie, I am sorry for the loss of the kitty. We had to put down my son's cat shortly after he passed. I always thought that he needed her somehow.

He named her Betty so sometimes if he was talking about her, people were not always sure it was an animal. If a girl got too sweet on him, and he knew it, he would casually say he had to "get home to Betty", so as not to hurt the girl's feelings.

Sending you gentle thoughts as you approach Daniels birthday...

Life does seem to be such a struggle now. I not posted much anywhere for the same reason, I just drag through each day. Things just seem to be a bit sadder, and the rest of life's bumps are much harder to take.

I find myself having to fake more just to function outside the home. People just can't understand this type of loss, and I just can't relate to many anymore. It is just too exhausting.

Dolly, I am sorry to hear of your husband's scary health episode. Sending Prayers.

Lynn, I agree, how I miss my son's phone calls. and the house is so lonely here. Sometimes I look down my driveway, just hoping he will pull up and that this is not my reality.

Too many lovely young people, gone too soon.

easter is coming and then gabes 21st birthday. he has been gone 5 years in May and I am still here ?

Toni - it seems more and more absurd that they are not here. Same for me, Easter then Danie's 21st next Thursday. I really can't even force myself to get any Easter decorations out.... Hugs to all

I just buried my friend yesterday. All I could think about is his poor mother and my son. I think I wept more than anyone else. So many people in my life are going offline now. 

Why on Easter?

I miss my daughter, Caitlin, every second of every day. It has been close to 6 years and it seems like yesterday. Caitlin is (I use present tense because she still lives but is out of my reach for now) my only child. I feel so purposeless. She has always been my future. Now I feel I have no future, at least not on earth. The only joyful future I see is after I'm gone from this earth and am reunited with her. People say I shouldn't say that because after all don't I love my husband. Of course, I do. My love for him is in no way diminished. But it's not natural for a child to be taken first. I can't help how I feel.

It will always hurt, And it is exhausting. I got through the hoilday the 21st birthday. We had a Sacred Sound Circle where an intimate group sang, played music and singing bowls. Daniel's friends came by on his actual birthday and that was sweet but wow so hard but wonderful to see them. I would hope it would become easier but I am sorry to say it hasn't. Then last week I fell again and broke my right arm.It has really sent me into a deep depression that I feel so stuck. I know my son lives on - I am just tired of being here without him and not being able to see any joy in my life. The house is so quiet and I have very little motivation to to do anything. I feel guilty saying any of this to my friends so thanks for listening. But Jill you said it - I am so tired.........