The holidays are ahlf over and I count the days I can breath again. It has been 4 years and gabe would be 20 and I am so mentally and physically tired because even on an OK day I think of Gabe 24/7. My mind seems to wonder back to the days of him at birth or at 5 or at 15 and I smile at the thought of his beautiful face and laugh. I think my constand daydreaming of Gabe is a survival thing . I still wake up several days a week crying but can't remember what I was dreaming. The only way to breath is to constantly remind my self that this life is so very temporary. When I tell family members or friends that the temporary life without all the pass attachments is my life they just stare.  I thought I would eventually feel an attachment to this life but I have not and it takes some of the heavy heavy weight off my chest and heart. I thought that if you heart hurt so bad that a person would just go to sleep and not wake up, I am still here so my purpose on earth is not fulfilled yet.    

Hugs Toni. I too search for that attachment to this life and what my work here is to be...

I find myself distancing myself from attachments in this world.. at least all those that don't really care about me anyway.. I still cling with a fierce protective love to those who at least act like they care.. the others are becoming like total strangers to me and I don't find myself worrying about them at all anymore.. I know that's hard hearted but it is what it is... even worrying about losing the extremely few people who do care and whom I care deeply for is so difficult because there's always the fear I will have to face losing them too... I just would rather die and go on ... that's selfish too I guess.. well those who don't care about me and never really did have always told me I'm selfish.. so they will be happy ... and it doesn't matter to me.. this world is turning into a hell hole anyway... in many ways I'm relieved that Brandon isn't going to be faced with being killed off by those people conniving to rid society of all those they don't think are worth anything... soon it will be the muslims murdering the Christians in our own back yard.. oh wait.. they're already doing that.. and we have a government that doesn't care about us at all... and would as soon see us murdered as not... I for one have had enough of this world.. I plan to celebrate Christmas as MUCH as I can stand just because I believe that soon we will have Christmas and Christianity and all manner of goodness slashed from our lives along with all our supposed rights.. this kind of world is not worth living in ..

Jill I feel for you.  Your words are words I have said many times myself. 

I'm having a hockey tournament in Michael's name this weekend.  This year we added a hockey essay contest with a hockey scholarship as the prize.  I should feel good but yet I feel so sad. 

Every night I go outside and look at our tree. to me it represents our kids.

That's all I got. This is Christmas right now, the tree outside and the tournament. It's slowly taking new shape.  Michael loved Christmas so I think he would be proud of his holiday tournament. 

Dolly I think because we grieve our children so bad senseless killings make absolutely no sense to us and like you it angers me. 

A loving hello to all.  I haven't been here to the site for quite awhile.  I've had some health issues that needed attending to and hopefully the worse is over.  Funny thing was that I really wasn't concerned.  I guess after what we've lost nothing can bring us down further than we've already been brought.
I want you to know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers even when I'm not here.  I know with the holidays we all seem to struggle a little harder and this year (#5) is no different for me.  Most days are bearable but I have to avoid all the commotion.

Connie, I see that you finished your song and posted it on YouTube.  It's beautiful and I thank you for sharing it with us.  I hope it has brought you a good feeling and I know Daniel is so proud of you.

May you all have the strength you need to get through the next month.  I hope you take care of yourselves and focus on one day...Today.  Try not to think ahead or back.  We just need to get through today.  Love & blessings to each of you.

Some days are so much harder than others. It has been an unusually warm and sunny late fall here in Vermont,which helps my sanity. Holidays can never be the same for us all again. Instead of forcing myself to go through the motions, I am just passing on all the gift giving and getting a tree. I will be happy when its all done.   

so glad when it's over!

My son died as a result of suicide a month ago.  He was 19.  He was one of the kindest, gentlest souls and he always seemed happy.  His death has affected so many people.  I am having a difficult time dealing with it and am just here looking for support from others that have been in the same situation.  Thank you!

Jennifer, we are willing to wrap our arms around you. I didn't lose my son in the same manner but just the same he is gone.  That pain I know.  I am here to support you.   

Jill you can only take one day at a time and deal with each one as it comes. 

Tomorrow is Michael's hockey tournament.  I'm full of tears right now.  Asking my self where did it all go? How am I left with nothing but a tournament. Tomorrow I will see his name everywhere and him nowhere.   Tomorrow will be my Christmas. It's all I got.

My dear Jennifer. I am so very sorry for your tragic loss. I lost my son suddenly in a car accident on Dec.1 2012. He was 17. We understand how devastated you are and are here anytime you need to talk or scream. I will send you prayers to and hope for the strength to get through this first holiday without your son. Hugs to you.

Jill also to you. You will make it through year 2 the same way you did this year. Day by day, minute by minute. And with the support of people who care about you. (((  )))

Teresa, I am still so admire you for putting together this annual tournament. It is such a beautiful way to keep Michael's memory alive and for others to keep benefiting from his life. But I know it is bittersweet.

I had a dream 2 nights ago where Daniel was about 12, once again it seemed that he was walking away I called to him . He came back and we had a nice long hug and I got to say I love you. It is that moment that I feel he came for a visit when he knew I needed it most. And altho I cherish seeing him and having that, waking up is the worst. I have been crying ever since....even after 3 years, it doesn't stop the intense need to see him again. Every skinny teenage boy I see, I do a double take! So all I want for Christmas is to believe that he's swinging on a star and existing in beauty and light. The pain is so hard this time of year and I hope for all of my friends here, some peace, love from your friends and family and to continue to love others for our children and through their spirit.I don't know what I would do if I didn't have this group to talk to. I love and appreciate you all.

Lori and RJ as someone ahead of you I can't tell you anything that is going to make this journey easier for you.  I learned there are no magic words.

I know that sense of feeling lost, still experiencing it myself.  Holidays are very hard but in time they will begin to take new shape.  No one understands some of the things I do but to me they make total sense, like my tree outside that represents us all.  My fiancé learned the hard way DO NOT UNPLUG MY TREE!

To me that tree is our children shining bright.  When I look at it I think of everyone of us.

Michael's tournament while it is a bitter sweet event it is my new Christmas.

I'm going into selfish mode.  Yesterday Michael's tournament was a success.  One of the local businesses heard that we were also doing a essay contest with a hockey scholarship as a prize and so they donated a second cash prize.

I held myself together but I looked around the rink and just kept seeing my Michael.  When it came time to give a speech I went at it like a champ until the words started to come.  I then had to pause to fight the tears. 

This one was for you buddy! I hope your momma is making you proud.  I will live for you Michael. 

Damn how did I get here.

All month I have been lying.  Every classroom I walk in I lie to the kids when they ask about my shopping and decorating.  I tell them, "of course I did" and I say it with a smile.  I really want to YELL at the world and tell everyone stop being so damn happy. BUT....this is my grief not theirs. 

Teresa, that is so funny, I also want to yell at the world and tell them to stop being so happy!!!

Teresa d , thank you for your post, I lost my son and only child 5-26-2011 and am amazed and shocked and angry and heartbroken at the thin gs people say to me. the holidays are so hard for me and I thought this year wouuld be different but I have been crying for 3 days and I am so sad. I am heartbroken , 

Teresa - unbelievable! So sorry. People like to tell me about all the bad car accidents they know of - where everyone was fine - but what a BAD accident. Does this make them relate to me more?

Hugs Toni

Amen. The anxiety is high!

Jill I am so sorry to hear about Derek losing his job. My heart goes out to him and your family. That's so tough. You really do wonder about people's humanity. Is he going tom stay there and look for another job? You must feel like a yo-yo, first moving to be with him with his other job, him moving away again and now losing the job. Well that just sucks. You just have to trust that Josh will help guide him to the right place and you as well. Big hugs all around.

its 4years today that I lost my precious darling boy. 4 years , just gone. Jill, its fine to ramble. My head rambles all the time. I have no words, just pain, going about my day, we got a Christmas tree today, our home is being redone as we will sell it and move to Eugene, Oregon where we have more of our interests like Vedanta classes, and other activities. So the home is like some construction site, everytbing after my son went makes me feel I am living an unreal life...I am not me anymore, just a sad woman trying to live...love u all my dearest friends, feeling lousy today. I WANT my baby back, right NOW.

My tree outside shines bright representing each and every one of our kids.  May each and everyone one of you find a moment of peace over the next few days.

this has been the worst year yet for missing my Brandon... I think I'm stuck in the 'anger' stage of grief because I just keep snapping at people for any thing at all... it doesn't help but that doesn't seem to matter...

Everyone gets to be happy and celebrate while we keep our sadness to ourselves.  I'm so grateful for this site and being able to say things like THIS SUCKS!

I just keep telling myself its just another day, nothing special just another unbearable day. my tears never stop, my heart is so broken, I just want this stupid holiday  over, without my  son my shawn nothing is special anymore.

WEll here I go off to South Carolina to visit my Mom who I haven't seen for one and a half years. We talk alot though. My sister and her 2 boys live there aso. Sje has 5 grandchikdren, a grandchikd from my nephew's wife's previous marriage and she has ababy so that makes my sister a great grandmother. I love them all,l very much. I have to keep praying to take away the envy. I can't help feeling barren in comparison to my siblings who are all enjoying their children getting married  having grandchildren....you know the way it was supposed to be for me.......

but most of all missing my son being there in the mix - the older, cool cousin, the only child enjoying having his cousins to hang with. How did this get to be my life? I want to see everyone, I love them all so much but I also want to curl up in a corner and cry til I see my sweet angel again. So hard to keep the mask on for 8 days....

So I wish you all the strength to get through the rest of the holidays, some peace and love and the hope that you will feel your beautiful angel's spirit wrap around you when you miss them the most. Thank you all for your support and friendship. I am grateful for you all.

take care connie, ill be praying for you    

Connie, u r in my thoughts, Dolly, its ok we ARE angry too, Jill thank you and thank you all my dearest friends. Teresa I can visualise the tree shining bright, Thank you.

Connie... we are far from the rest of our families and never see anyone on Christmas... so at least I don't have to act out any 'joy' on demand... not that you said that... just that I feel like that lots of times in public places or with other people even friends.. I have to just act like I'm fine and talk about stuff that doesn't matter.. with most ... and I don't really want to talk anyway.. just get lost in my memories and lost in movies with my husband and Bo....

Praying for all of us today.

May God be gentle with us on his special day.

May he give us the strength to get through this.

xxoo

PEACE to all!