I read the posts on this sight often but I very seldom post because what I read from other members says it for me, Gabe (LOLLY) has been gond since 5/26/11 and he would now be 20. When I got out of bed 2 months after it happened I started saying every day "this is not my life" Gabe was my only child and was a very happy easygoing boy. I went to grief counseling for 2 years but my husband only went for 6 months. He has just gone back into counseling for PTSD and grief. In the beginning I felt isolated and alone and asked God to let me come home everyday. this life is like a roller coaster because the grief can be unbearable some days and some days are ok. I get up every morning and concentrate on trying to make my face look like I'm ok. Even on good days it is exhausting mentally and physically to keep moving forward, this life feels so HEAVY  

Nice to hear from you Toni. I feel the same. Such a hard time of year...

Sharon - that is a messed up thing to say. People think you can tuck your memories of your child into a neat little memory book and go on as if nothing happened...

I had a super great loving grandma Nita and was looking forward to being the same loving fun grandma. :( . I love you to the crab nebula and back lolly.

Oh Sandy, my heart is with you. I will light a candle for Randy tonight beside Daniel's. I'm sorry you have not gotten the support you deserve Hugs.

Sandy, HUGS HUGS and more HUGS!

Just had our fund raiser this weekend.  Now tomorrow nite we are meeting with the hockey league to discuss a tournament in Michael's name. 

I should feel great but instead I ask myself how did I go from having a great son that loved me so much to a name on a t-shirt.  Where did it all go? 

My son has been gone now for almost 1 full year. He took his own life on Halloween morning by overdosing on drugs, and hanging himself. The medical examiners weren't able to identify which killed him, but it was one or the other or both. I don't know what to say except that I'm just so so sad. I miss him every day. 

Maureen and Tammy it is always so hard to "welcome" someone to this group.  This is a group I wish had no members.

I'm so sorry you have to join us.  But just know we are all here to support each other and to share. 

HUGS to everyone today. 

Maureen I am so sorry for your loss. Today must be impossible for you. Hugs and prayers to you.

Sitting here and can't seem to get a grip on things.  I just miss Michael so bad.  After 3 years I thought I was finally learning to manage it yet days like today creep on you and take control. 

I fight everyday to get to a better place and just when I thought I was making progress WHAM I'm sent back to day one. 

God this is hard! 

Oh Teresa, I'm sorry, it is so so hard and just wrong.  Every day is such a struggle to try and cope.

Hey Jill, the year was hard, not as hard as a birthday but still just awful. We went to AZ and my daughter (21) was in CA, she did ok, we talked on the phone and texted all day. I think your son will be ok, the siblings are stronger then us..

I have all of those things too. I hate to evens tart the list because it is so overwhelming. I feel like i could just go over the edge any second. Every part of my body hurts, especially my heart. I was literally referred to a cardiologist last week. Wow. It all sucks. But it does help to know we are not alone.

found this poem and had wanted to share it, for my darling son from 'ummy' as you loved to call me.

I only have a picture now,
A frozen piece of time,
To remind me of how it was,
When you were here and mine.

I see your smiling eyes,
Each morning when I wake,
I talk to you, and place a kiss,
Upon your darling face.

How much I miss you being here,
I really cannot say,
The ache is deep inside my heart,
And never goes away.

I hear it mentioned often,
That time will heal the pain,
But if I'm being honest,
I hope it will remain.

I need to feel you constantly,
To get me through the day,
I loved you so very much,
Why did you go away?

The angels came and took you,
That really wasn't fair,
They took my one and only Son,
My future life, My heir.

If only they had asked me,
If I would take your place,
I would have done so willingly,
Leaving you this world to grace.

You should have had so many years,
To watch your life unfold,
And in the midst of this,
Watch me, your Mum grow old!

I hope you’re watching from above,
At the daily tasks I do,
And let there be no doubt at all,
No force in the universe can pry away my Love for you.

No day is easy, reading all your posts, feeling less alone because I know I'm understood. Like Teresa and Connie and others for whom some time has passed, I too feel I'm getting a grip on things and then the grief and loss hits me and I just need to face that things are different yet I refuse to even acknowledge deep in me that my darling son is not here . I just WANT him back, he was and is everything to me.Does God really think its ok?

Vas....of course that poem brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing it.

Jill your not alone and your not insane. I also have pains doctors can't document and my short term memory disappears when I'm the most stressed.  I remember in the first year I would run all over the house searching. I would empty drawers, dig in closets and search the basement and shed.  My fiancé would ask me what I was looking for. I would just stand there and cry and tell him "I don't know what I'm looking for but if I keep searching I might find it." Made no sense right? I stopped doing that but it took me time.  And no I never found "it", whatever "it" was.

Also Jill I get your concern for Derek. There was a day when my daughter freaked out on me and told me how I wanted her to wear body armor and a helmet and never leave the house.  I'm so scared of it happening again....she was right.

Connie I hope your okay.   I'll be thinking of you and saying a prayer for you.

Vasanthi, thanks for sharing the poem for your son.

If only they had asked me,
If I would take your place,
I would have done so willingly,
Leaving you this world to grace.

How I wish I would have given the chance to leave instead of him...the world is a cold and grey place now...

As there are many moms here who are in their third year of loss, reading here gives me an idea of "what to expect" on this journey of grief. In some ways, it brings me comfort to know that my feelings of being shattered forever in this life is shared and understood by this group of bereaved. There are only a few places where this kind of pain can be shared honestly.

Vasanthi, that is a beautiful poem, I say that everyday to my son shawn, if I knew he needed my heart I would have givin it to him. I ask everyday why him and not me. to lose the love of my life is so unbearable.  and now again  x mas is coming, we gave everything away. there will never be  x mas here in my home in my life . we all feel so empty without our babies, no matter there age there our babies forever. I just pray every day to be with him, I do feel we are in hell, pain like we have never felt before.  thank you all for being my friends and my family.  I know shawn is here with me , I just want so much to hear, and feel him. im praying for you all. hugs  kim

After 4 years I have stopped thinking I will wake up from the nightmare but I still say this is not MY life. Gabriel would be 20 now.

Ditto Tony m dicarlo..... everyday , everyday I feel  what you say... that " this is not my life, I was a content woman, happy with the closeness that

I had with Shreyas my son, was enjoying my work in education and loving the  successes of Shreyas in his work and life, marveling that we went through a lot and yet this boy was such a golden boy, kind and wonderful.I am not saying his because he is not here and am seeing everything with a halo around him. He was such a boy who warmed my heart and all around him. Even when i posted that poem I thought "oh god its almost 4 years this Dec and I am still around grappling with a new reality, how maaany years more cos I just do not know how to live life well anymore. Neither do I feel enthusiasm for any day nor do I feel real Joy. all I feel is a deep hurt and pain. I try going out during those times which will bring on more sorrow like his birthday etc but while its an escape , its only outwardly that I have escaped. Deep within its a struggle, a struggle for some semblance of normalcy. I am again dreading December ,actually I dread every day and no one around me understands this or maybe its just me who no longer understands anyone..... but here my dearest friends I am at least able to grieve.

Hi Michele. So nice to hear from you. I will be thinking of you on Thanksgiving and giving thanks for you and all of you here. Of course I know you understand. And thank God for all of you here because most of my friends and family just don't get it. An after "this much time" figure I have learned to accept and deal with it. How does one ever do that? I can't help it - it makes me so angry that I have to live the rest of my life without my sweet son and not share his future together. Sending everyone love and prayers to help us get through the holidays. (((  )))

It is still so hard to go through the holiday season. It will be the third Thanksgiving without Kyra. I find myself still not fully believing she is dead. Our friends who have opened there hearts to us have again invited us to dinner on Thanksgiving. I hope we can all find some solace and peace to get through this time of year. Love and prayers to Connie and Michelle as another year passes without your sons. Jill the pain of the 1st anniversary of our   

child's death is so deeply felt. I will say a prayer for your son. Love to everyone here. Your words of support saved me so often from going over the edge. What an incredible group of woman you all are.  

i know in the states you are all having your thanks giving, we had ours in October, to me the holidays are just another painfull day.  we do nothing those days anymore. more and more I just stay in my bedroom and cry. when my son shawn went away I died that  day to, I will pray for all of you and hope you all get through that day.  hugs to you all   

Nadin, my heart goes out to you during this difficult time.  There's nothing I can say right now to help ease your pain.  All I can do is let you know we know the pain you are experiencing and we will do what we can to support you.  HUGS!

I lost my son, Zach, on September 3, 2011 in a tragic accident. He was hiking on a trail with friends and got to close to the edge of a waterfall and fell. He was only 23 years old, gone way too soon. I have not been on this site for quite some time, but it helped me so much in my early days of grief. I do want to say that for me, in time it has gotten easier. There are still days that the grief will hit me just as hard as the day it happened. Like someone has punched me in the heart and taken a large piece of me and left a hole that will never be filled. I will never be the same person I was before that most horrible day of my life. One thing that has helped me in these years of pain and grief, is that I have found that when I am having one of those days I stop and remember that I have felt this way before, and have made it through. To just take it one day, some times one second at a time. A friend of mine told me in those early days of grief, (she only child/son was murdered over 10 years ago) that she had to make a decision in her grief. She could either choose to let it take her, or she could choose to survive it. I am blessed to have a husband, three daughters and 2 granddaughters, I decided to survive this grief. Some days are still so difficult and painful, and I am not sure at the time that I want to, but I know I want to still be here for my family. Reaching out to others who are fresh in their grief, has helped me tremendously too. We are not alone and I want to thank all who have been there for me. I want to be here for others. Those who have not lost a child don't get it, we do. There is no time line, no right way, we do the best we can one second at a time. My hugs and prayers for us all.

Nadin, im so very sorry, we do know your pain , you are in my prayers 

Robin, that is such great advice.  I'm only just past my first year, but I feel like you do, that you have to make the decision that you can survive it and try to be strong or you give up. I don't want to give up, I have a beautiful daughter that I'm so blessed to have. I miss my son every minute and every second of every day and I am also not the same person. I am broken and missing a part of me but I am trying and yes some days are very hard and I cry a lot and some of them are ok. This site helps me too cus we see that we are not alone in our grief. 

Nadin, I am so very very sorry to have to welcome you here. It's a horrible road we are on and only us know our pain. Nobody understands but us. You are still in shock and that pain is all consuming.  I'm so extremely sorry.

Many hugs for us all.

Dearest Nadin, I am so sorry for the terrible tragedy you now have to endure. Like others have said, you have to take it minute by minute hour by hour day by day. We are all here to support you whenever you need it. Sending you and everyone prayers, love and hope. (((  )))

Nadin, I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. Please know you are not alone in your grief. You and your family are in my prayers. One second at a time. Deep breaths. I have hit my knees and asked for help so many times. I hope you can feel all of us here sending you hugs and prayers. Hold on. I know we would all do anything to have our kids with us again. What I wouldn't give to have one more hour with my son, Zach. Life can be so unfair at times. So thankful that I had the 23 years with Zach that I did. Love and miss you every day son.

Love and peace to all here. This is the third year Kyra has not asked for my stuffing recipe, it was her favorite holiday. It is still so hard not to have her physical presence in our lives, but the pain has so eased from the first. I am thankful for everyone here who supported me that first year and continue to. Everyone's comments help me know I am not alone. To Nadin, I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter we can all put ourselves in your shoes living minute to minute. We will all be here for you. Connie sending hugs to you and your husband and I will say a prayer for Daniel.