we still have Brandon's ashes in a little box in his closet... I want to get an urn, but so far haven't been able to look at them... I talk to brandon all the time.. not long conversations... just say hi and how much I love him and miss him... sometimes I apologize for any time I may have let him down.. it isn't getting any easier for me really... just keeping it inside more and thinking about it and not talking about it.. life just isn't like it was when he was here...

This song has been playing over and over in my head for the last couple of weeks.

In two days, it will be two years since Chris' sudden death. I write the words, but don't comprehend them.

Does anyone know who started this site and how I can get some help? I need my original page back and it won't allow me on it because I don't use that email anymore. I have made a duplicate page but I want all my original stuff starting with when my son passed.  

Rj - so so sorry for your loss. And so sorry to have to welcome you to this group. I also lost my only child, my son Daniel. He was 17. The pain is so crushing and overwhelming and we all know how you feel and walk the same path. I hope you can find support and hope here.

Michele, I'll be holding you in my heart. I know the dread and anxiety leading up to that day. For me, it is my son's birthday on March 31. and I like you still just cannot believe this happened. I went down to Santa Monica today to visit a friend who just had surgery. Before i left I thought I'd go down to the beach and stick my feet in the water. Daniel loved the beach, loved to surf, always wanted to live there. When i got there I just got so so sad. I went down to the water. It was very breezy and with the surf and wind, the noise drowned out my cries. I just stood there and sobbed for a half hour. When will we wake up from this nightmare? I can't comprehend it either...

Ammy it's nice to hear from you. Thanks for sharing the song and your sweet wishes. Those moments of peace are all we can really hope for and  it is those moments that help us to carry on. Hugs,  love and peace to you as well. and to everyone here.

ADRIENNE the AFTER DEATH EXPERIENCES section of this site shows someone at the top of the page called Diana Y and there's a place to click to send her a message... maybe she's the one who started this site... worth a shot..

RJ I'm so sorry you have to experience the loss of your son. My heart is with you. 

Connie, I know Daniel's birthday is hard, but he stood at that shoreline with you.  I know there is nothing I can say right now to make this time easier for you but I will be thinking of you and Daniel.

Michelle, I'll be thinking of you and Chris as well.  I know there's not much anyone can say to me as I pass these markers, so just know I will be thinking of you.

Rj, I'm sorry for the loss of your son.  We all know your heartache and I just want you to know that what you are feeling / experiencing is normal .  Especially in the beginning.  It's so hard to know what is going on as we go through so many different emotions.  There is nothing that can take away this ache.  Let yourself feel, don't try to fight it.  Focus on what you need to do for yourself and take it one baby step at a time.  It's a long slow progress but you will make it.  Come here and say what you need to say.  This group is a great group.  You will get support and love here.  We all wish we weren't here and weren't living this life but we are.  I know right now you can't see how you will survive this but you can.  Sending you hugs.

Michelle, I'm thinking of you as this 2nd year approaches.  They are all hard; every year, every birthday, every holiday.  You have grown stronger and we will be with you.  Hugs and wishes for peace.

Connie, thanks for thinking of me.  I understand the apprehension of another birthday without Daniel.  My son's is 3 months away and I'm already thinking about it.  I think some of us have finally accepted most of the time that this is what we have to live with and then there are still the times we deny it.  I really never thought it was going to be this hard.  Will be with you and Michelle in spirit as you have these days.  Hugs and wishes for peace.

Adrianne, can't you just sign in using the old email address?  I looked all around and don't see a place where you can change your email.  They need to fix that.  Send an email or message to Diana Y.

Rj - when you lose an only child, you lose that dream of your family continuing , of the joy of grandchildren and seeing your own child experience becoming and being a parent. It is heartbreaking and right now for you it is all a huge shock. Just do what you can. Little by little you will learn how to manage the pain. Somedays you won't and that's okay. Sometimes just walk. the rhythm helps, being outside helps. And remembering that the spirit lives on and that your child is okay and in no more pain. And right there with you always in your heart. Hugs

I woke up feeling very sad and not sure why till I realized it is the 21st - my son, Steven died on December 21st - only 3 months ago.  I ache.  I want to talk about it but there is no one here who even knew him and I hate to have people feel sorry for me.  I'm also afraid of comments like "He's in a better place"  "Time heals all wounds" and more stupid comments.  I feel badly because I probably said stupid things to other's who were grieving.  So I will go for a walk, and thank God I live in such a beautiful place where the birds sing and the sun is warm. I will remember the walk I took with Steven two years ago that was so precious - where we shared our regrets and forgave each other.  That memory is bittersweet.  Glad to have a place where I can at least express my grief - with people who understand.  Thank you

Deann, it hurts any time someone new joins.  I don't want to welcome anyone here but I'm happy you found us so we can support you, listen to you and be there for you as much as we can.  We know all about the stupid comments.  Some of us even know about being that stupid person before we were forced to take this journey.  Again I'm so sorry you have to experience this lost.

I still love and miss you Danny.

I have no words for all that everyone is feeling except to let you know I understand; I get it.  Have been there and still go there but not as often.  It will ease up but it takes time; a long time.  It's gradual.

I wanted to say to those that are feeling depressed and don't want to go on prescribed medication there is a natural one that I found that seems to help me stay a little more balanced.  It's called 5-HTP.  There are several makers but I take the Natrol brand.  This one is time released.  If you belong to Costco they carry it.  It does not help with the anxiety.  I do take prescription for that.
I wanted to stay away from the prescribed anti-depressants because I was on them for years when I was younger and I always had side effects.  Wasn't sure the 5-HTP was really helping until I decided to go off it.  I did notice a difference and went back on.  They are probably not as strong as prescribed but they are natural if that is what you are looking for.
I don't know if anyone else on here has found anything that helps.  Would like to know if anyone has.
Take care and go slowly. H❀U❀G❀S

Feel better Michele. Love and prayers

My cat has pancreatitis and they don't seem to know how to treat it definitively in cats. He is 12.  I don't think he would survive anesthesia of emergency surgery (then what?) or anymore tests. I am watching him waste away... my heart is breaking.....

Rj - yes we've all felt that way. And sometimes still do. You feel like you are going to throw up all the time. the simplest task seems insurmountable. Everything is exhausting. People seems oblivious to the most intense pain I think there is in this life. Sometimes you feel like you can't breath. I tell you i couldn't make it through the grocery store for a year. Good thing my husband could. Now i have to go to different stores, restaurants etc if the memories are too painful. Be kind to yourself and do what you can. Even if you just walk around the block. I think the support group will help you not feel so isolated. Hang in there, you will slowly learn how to manage the pain. You will find a way to carry on and your child's spirit is there to help you. Call and them and trust that they hear you. Hugs and love to everyone.

Lynn I wish it would warm up for you!!! Enough already. I think of you often.  ((( )))

RJ I to want my son back, without him I feel nothing anymore. so empty  so full of hate any more.  my pain is getting worse, I want so much to be with him.  I want to hear him say  MOM I LOVE YOU  one more time.  his b day is on easter and I dread it coming,  I know ill be alone,  so many tears every day,  im so sorry to everyone going through this in here and the new people, and I thank god I have met new  friends now my family in here.  hugs and love to you all,   kim

Rj, you can just go and listen... or share if you are up to it. I pretty much cried my whole session. Every day is so sad and empty.  Holidays for sure will be the worst.  I've already made plans NOT to be home for mothers day.