Josette, my prayers are with you. 

I think we all go over those last few moments and I think in a way we all blame ourselves. 

I am so sorry you have to experience this. 

It's been 7 months since I lost my daughter Desiree'. Her birthday was on Oct. 1st, she would have celebrated her 32nd. Somehow celebrating that day in her absence brought on the reality that she really is gone. That I really will never see her again. I'm kinda numb as I go thru my days trying to absorb the up coming holidays that she won't be a part of. It's like I want to stop time so I don't have to experience the reality that NO she won't be here to take her children trick or treating. NO she won't be here to fix her annual Thanksgiving dinner that she was always so proud to show off her great accomplishment, the "hey see I can cook a lavish meal all in one day!" bravado. NO I will not be here to ooh and ahh over the Christmas gifts. Even as I type these things I'm a crying mess.

Thank all of you here for the love and support that you share.

This is all too unbelievably painful.

josette  im so sorry for your loss, I lost my only child my son shawn nov 5, this weekend is thanks giving here in Canada, it is my first without my baby. im so heart broken and crying all the time, I no long celebrate any holiday, I gave everything away tree for x mas, easter and thanks giving, I just cant do it any more without shawn. the people in here are just great, there here for us when ever we need them, they understand our unbearable pain, they cry with us each and every day. they are  MY FAMILY now and I do love them all.  hugs to you   go slow   kim

I am wondering if the Man above is trying to test me. I have lost 3 family member in 3 weeks. First my son, the following week my dear Uncle and last night my close cousin. Why is he doing this? People say "He only gives you what you can handle" or something like that. I really can't think clear as I just received this information about my cousin. It really has me in a whirl. The man above wants us to have faith? But why when he is taking the ones I love from me?  Why is he being selfish? Am I the only one that has ever felt like this? SO many questions and not enough answers.

Josette I am so sorry this is happening to you all at once. But no - you're not the only one feeling tested. We go along thinking that life will work out the way we expect it to, that we will live long happy lives with our children following their dreams and with grandchildren all around. I will never have either. We have been thrown into accepting the harshest reality. We all die. As we get older more and more people around us pass. As my husband said "it's like rain" (we are 57). 2 weeks after my son died, my dear aunt passed. 3 weeks ago my cousin (my aunt's son) who is 2 years younger than I, hung himself. 2 kids from my son's high school committed suicide by jumping off the school roof this past year. The sadness is overwhelming and yet we must learn SOMETHING from this - that no one is guaranteed tomorrow - not even the children - time on this earth is fleeting - love is all there really is - so let nothing go unsaid to those you love. Through all of this horrific and blinding pain, I have been tested and it has made my faith stronger. I have to believe my loved ones are okay and still growing and experiencing something we cannot comprehend. I look forward to the day when I can be with my son and hear all about his adventures. And that he is with his sisters that died in vitro and with my Mimi. I have to believe or be forever pulled into darkness from this great loss.

Kim - sweet of you to say - we are part of a family here

Kim, I know holidays are the hardest, try to focus on the years you did have with Shawn.  Cook that dinner he would have loved.

Lynn is right for us it becomes minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.....

Connie for me you hit it right on the head.  I totally relate to your words.

Teresa, ill never cook those special dinners again, with out my shawn its just not worth it any more. these holidays are just another day to me. I got rid of every holiday thing in our home. I feel to empty to give a shit any more. but thank you for careing and thinking of me. love and hugs     kim

My son was already planning to be with us for Thanksgiving. I know holiday's will be the hardest but, he wanted a traditional thanksgiving so in his honor that is what I am doing because he would want it that way

I am having an especially sad day today. Lots of crying and angry my daughter is not with me. These feelings can sometimes come out of nowhere and slam you down hard. I think what you said Connie about knowing they are safe and alright is all we can hope for until we see them again. Love to all here.

I agree with you Connie, I make it through to the end of each day by hanging on to the fact of seeing my sons, Jesse and Taylor again.

Kim, I won't be celebrating any holiday either. I would not do anything at all even for Christmas if it were not for my grandchildren.  

Hugs Lynn

I want to live, I want to be happy again someday, I want to remember Michael with a smile not always with tears.  I don't know what the hell I'm doing no more than the next one but I'm fighting to live.  The tournament while some see me as strong I just don't know what else to do to celebrate Michael's life. 

Holidays are coming and I don't want to be SAD for the rest of my life.  I don't want to spend every holiday crying.  If I cry everyday for the rest of my life I'm ok with that but I want to be able to put the tears away and smile.  Right now I still can't do that.  I am getting better at controlling it.  I now wait to be alone to break down. To me that is progress.

I plan on doing the same as Connie this Christmas by putting a tree and an ornament for Michael. I might not get any further than that but it's further than the past two years.  Michael loved the holidays and so I need to celebrate them for him.

This is what I need to do for me.

Yes I think doing really simple things for the holidays like lighting candles or putting up a string of lights and some poinsettias for the holidays is best for me right now. I feel like Daniel can see the lights and feel the warmth of the sweet memories I have when we were together. I put them up for him because like someone said, he would want it that way.

Hello Everyone, I have been away.  I can't begin to tell you how hard this past month has been.  My mother suffered a stroke and lost be mobility of her left side. 

She is now in a nursing/rehab home and is doing much better.  Unfortunately, we are all having to travel back and forth to stay with her.  My sisters and my brother are all taking turns staying with her.  But my Dad seems to have distance himself from us all. 

Its so hard to see my mom is this situation.  And with her

Alzheimer’s it really makes it hard on me to stay with her.  Due to she is constantly asking for Amber.  I feel I have had to put my greif on hold so I can help and be there for my mom. 

I am just at a point of where I want to just crawl up in a hole and never come out.  I'm extremely tired.  I refuse to let anyone see me cry.  I try to find a private place to let go.  Every morning I force myself out of bed, get dressed, put on a smiling face.  But on the inside I'm just dying.  I feel like a sad clown with a happy face painted on.  

Anyhow, I just wanted to touch base with everyone here.  Let you know each of y'all are in my prayers.  I send all of y'all tight hugs.  God know's how much I need that NOW. 

Anyhow, all my love,

Rachel

Rachel, im so sorry to hear about your mom, I hope she gets better soon and fast. I have missed talking to you, I know you are trying to be strong but dieing on the inside. today is thanks giving in Canada and my first without shawn, omg  im hurting so bad and crying all day. no one has called, I thought my sisters would but not.  please try to take some time for you, because you do need it.  love and hugs  kim

Rachel that must be very tough to deal with. My mother-in-law who I was very close to had alzheimers and I know how difficult that is. But then to have to answer where your daughter is is really hard. I'm so sorry

today was another day that sucks, I had to cut down shawns butterfly bush in his memory garden, I hope it comes back next year, it was so big and beautiful this year. the smell was so wonderful. and yes I cryed . I miss my son so very much, soon it will be a year and I feel I just wont make it. the pain just wont stop, the tears wont either.

You're making it Kim - through all the pain and tears - and you'll keep on. I'm sure Shawn is very proud of you. <3<3

16 weeks since I lost my daughter due to a drunk driver hitting her...12 days later my only other child died from a traumatic brain injury, can't seem to find the strength to want to go on

It is hard to continue after you lost a child, with your loss I could not imagine what you are going through.. But be re-assured that you are not alone.. anything we can do to help out please reach out... 

yesterday on the mountain I noticed our 'dancing tree' has turned almost completely golden yellow on the outer edges of its branches and in the sunshine after a shower it just GLOWS as if its filled with a heavenly light... it 'danced' for us too... started out by slowly opening up its limbs wider and wider and then started swaying and twisting and dancing while the other trees around it were still or barely moving at all.... lately I am feeling like Brandon is playing music along with us and that so is heaven.... we are finding ourselves attempting music I never would have imagined I would be trying to play.... its a sort of communion with God and with Brandon I think... anyone else have anything like that happening? We both talk to Brandon.. me and his dad.... not at the same time usually, but then we talk to each other about talking to him.... I feel like he or God or both of them are telling me to remember what and where REAL life is lived... that this earthly life will soon be past for all of us and we will be together again.... I used to not want to even think about that but now I find myself starting to feel like I just am not really living here anymore... sort of caught up between the here and the there of heaven... wanting to move on but needing to stay... for now...

Brice & Brianna's mom - what a horrific experience. I am so so sorry. We all know you are devastated. I hope can find understanding and support on this site as you go through this grief. Sending you love and prayers

I am so so very sorry for your loss and pain Brice & Brianna's mom. My heart aches for you. For all of us who have the misfortune of sharing this painful website. Dig deep in your soul for the faith you will need to survive this new life.

Prays and love to everyone.

Brice & Brianna's Mom.........today my prayers are for you.

I'm sorry I didn't reach out to you Brice and Brianna's mom.. the pain and the horror of what you feeling is so raw to me... I feel it come back on me with full force each time I hear of another horrible loss like yours... its not that I don't care... I DO care... but I just have NO words... NO idea what to say that would do ANY good for you.... its just the most horrible thing there IS to lose your child... NOTHING in MY life has ever come CLOSE to the pain.... I'm sorry if I seemed cold and unfeeling.. I guess I just froze up with your pain.... but I DO care and you will find so many in here are so loving and caring and supportive and are SO much wiser than me.... I'm so sorry you have lost your dear children.... this it an awful club to be in....

a few days a 'friend' of mine asked how bad losing Brandon was.... how do you answer that?

You tell them that it's a pain that is as bad as it gets.

So glad you are feeling that connection more these days Dolly. <3

ask them to think of their worst nightmare and magnify that by infinity fold. no one can ever imagine the magnitude until they walk a mile in our shoes. a shoe we pray they will never fit in.

much love to you Dolly.

Dolly

You walk away.

That question was insensitive and without compassion.

Dolly, I saw the post on the sparkling tree a day after my own experience that was so similar. I was doing dishes and looked out the window at a tree at the edge of our yard...it literally sparkled with golden lights...I could not help but think if trees in heaven are a little like that...

Brice and Brianna's mom, I am so sorry for this tragic, horrible lose...I have had two but not so close together...Hugs...

Adrianna I understand what you mean about running from reality. I have been having some hard days,but also some beautiful ones. My other daughter Genna who is 24 just moved back home with us in Vermont from Montana with her dog Ruby. My husband refurbished a one room cabin with a kitchen on the property for her to live in. Next spring she will begin farming it. I am so happy she is home, but it points out one of us is physically missing. I still cry most nights when I talk to Kyra,and pray for all our children who are still with us in spirit, but the loss is great. I am having great difficulty falling asleep again does anyone have any homeopathic remedies I might try. Today I am taking part in a Crop walk to end world Hunger, maybe thinking of others will lift me a little today. I have gotten three phone calls on my home phone the past 2 weeks which caller Id says is me calling, and gives my home number. When I answer no one is there. I am hoping its another sign of Kyra telling me she is okay. Peace to everyone here; we all must carry on even on the impossible days. Love Lynn williams

I am so sorry for not having reached out more often. Dolly, that comment or question would have really puzzled me. I mean really!!!! 

Brice and Brianna's mom... I really don't have words just can feel with you. I lost my only son who was 27 and the light and love of my life and I can well understand you all so so well, just wish the reality of having our children with us had continued. Love to all from Mumbai. 

LR when the dancing tree dances I wonder if there are not angels swirling around it making it dip and wave and twist and twirl.. and I wonder if Brandon is not with them.. and my granddaughters Isabella and Lulu who both left the world TOO soon... and all my other loved ones who are in heaven... what a sight that would be.. wish I had eyes to see it....

Lynn that was Kyra calling you.

Dolly that was a stupid question to ask anyone about any loss.  Some people are just plain ignorant.

I know Teresa.. but I wondered if maybe she was dreading a loss of her own that might be imminent.. I think she has a grandchild with health issues... but not sure.. but I didn't ask her because I just had no comfort I could offer if that was the case... I feel like I took Brandon too much for granted.. didn't treasure him enough... wasn't careful enough.. didn't guard against the enemy enough.. was stupid and selfish and now I lost him... but I pray one day I'll be forgiven and can be with him again...

Was on vacation last week, so unable to get or receive communications. Thinking of each and every one of you with compassion and prayers for some peace from the unbelievable grief. I marvel at everyone's strength and ability to be supportive of one another. This is a group of amazing people and I am humbled to be a part of you.

I feel like I am falling apart. I had an amazing communication from my son and I know he is okay and wants me to be. That should make me feel better I know but I still feel like he should be with us. I am trying to be strong, to stay focused on doing things that matter to me in this world. But I feel like someone is pulling me under the water by the feet. I can't believe that our hearts can take so much hurt without bursting. I miss my son SO much I can hardly function right now. I don't wan to do anything or talk to anyone.  Why can't I accept it? After almost 2 years, I am starting to feel panicky. I have gained so much weight, that is not helping. I am beginning to feel jealousy for those carrying on with their lives with their children and grandchildren. My niece just had a a baby this week and another niece is due in Dec and another is due in March. I am so happy for them but a little jealous of my siblings who get to have grandchildren and experience the blessing of new life. I know I need to change my perspective but to me there is a big blank empty void as I look at the rest of my life. Just having a really really hard week. Thank you all for being here. I am praying for us all.

Connie I totally get where you are. I think the reality is even harder to face once we finally start to face it.  I also feel jealousy as I watch his cousins and friends move on.

Just like you dolly I always feel as though I don't have any words of wisdom. 

One of the things I truly appreciated from others in the beginning was the "truth".  Other parents that lost a child weren't the ones telling me it would get better instead they said you'll learn to manage the pain.   

Instead of telling me Michael wouldn't want me to cry they let me know I would be crying for a long time.

They didn't say go enjoy life instead they said you have to fight to survive.

It was the honesty I appreciated.

Now like you Connie I am moving towards the reality. Those around me think after 2 years I should be healing but no, wrong.  I don't think I'll ever heal instead I will learn to manage it.  That's not to say I don't cry everyday or that I don't fall a part when no one is looking.   

I know for me every time someone new enters the room I go right back to the first moment, the first week, the first month and now the first year and I think of what is ahead of them.  I wish I could take a magic wand and send them back but I can't.  All I can do is listen, cry with them and let them know some day they will also learn to manage it.

Hello,

Sorry I haven't been on for a bit - it's so good to hear what you have to say Teresa.  Is it true that the 2 year mark is often harder to bear?  I'm told that during the first year, there is so much anxiety and worry about how to handle one milestone after another.  When year 2 comes around the reality of our loss hits us smack in the face and that's when we really get the message that our loved one isn't coming back ......I'm 4 months in this and my biggest fear is that my precious Michael's life will fade into the backdrop of life.  I don't ever want to lose that closeness -

Adrienne

Same with me and triggers. It is so hard to finish grocery shopping. There is always something that reminds me of something he loved that I would make for him. I decided that on Dec.1 the 2nd angelversary I will make that onion soup. Just for him. I don't know why but I think that he wants me too. Gale - yes the 2nd year ...I am sorry to say seems to be about finally coming out of the shock. Yes I manage it better but the pain just doesn't get any less intense for me. I think that's where my anxiety is coming from....the reality is so clear now

Dolly - the hardest thing in the world is to forgive ourselves. I struggle with that as well. But I do know that you are a wonderful mother and gave your all to Brandon.

Teresa thanks for your understanding and nice to hear from you Michele

Lynn - SO glad you have Gena there and that you can garden together as a tribute to Kyra. That really is the ultimate tribute for her. I know she will be there with every seed planted.

<3 <3 <3 to all

Here is the dancing tree...

dolly, that tree is beautiful,