Rachel

So sorry about the turn out at the CF meeting. Did the leader say it was unusual or that normally there are a certain number of people? Maybe because it was right after Labor Day holiday weekend. Don't be discouraged because every meeting is different and you should give it another shot. But we are always here for you on this site. Your daughters pics are beautiful. Hugs to you

Rachel,

What you are feeling is so normal, some people say that at three months the intensity of grief is felt stronger than when the death first occurs. You are not as numb from shock so reality hits you so forcefully, but it still feels like you have been suffering for forever. I had to get a perscription for Ambien from my doctor for the first nine months because I wasn't sleeping at all. I had to force myself to drink an ensure drink three times a day because I couldn't look at food at that time. Its been 13 months for me now and I am able to do so much more towards living my life. The pain and disbelieve are still with me, but I know I will survive as my daughter would want me to. Give the Compassionate  Friends a few more tries. Talking in person with others who have been through this so important. Teresa I hope it was good to be with your daughter this weekend to get through the anniversary of Michael's death. Dolly what a beautiful picture of Brandon you shared holding hands with the beautiful little girl next to him.She must miss him a lot too.  Thank you all for the kindness and support you always give when needed. 

chelle, im so very sorry. you have a right to be pissed. I lost my only child my son 10 months ago.  the pain is unreal. hope we can talk soon hugs and love to you   kim

That's terrible Chelle. I also found out about the accident that killed my son on facebook before the police arrived that night. The post was from the older brother who had lent his car. He said his brother had totaled his car and had been taken for medical treatment. No mention of my son. Of course I went crazy because I had been trying to reach him for so long and started calling everyone I could to find out if he was alright and where they had been taken. I couldn't find them and just waited on my front porch. When the officer finally came 3 HOURS LATER I prayed he had my son in the car for some reason. Maybe, I thought , the other guys had let Daniel drive and he was okay but in trouble. Oh please let him be in the car, please let him be in the car!!!!! But then the coroner pulled up. Just recalling it makes me want to throw up. I am still so angry at that brother for his post. He and his brother who was driving and killed my child are so arrogant and unbelievably cold. the brother had the nerve to come to my house the next day and tell me to be strong. I wanted to slap him, I was so confused, so in shock but instead I invited him in, listened to him lie his way through their "story" . He didn't know there were witnesses though who saw the truth. His brother was charged with a felony manslaughter. Some people are so wrapped up in themselves they have so sense of right and wrong especially with social media.

Chelle - it took them from 8:30pm when they arrived at the crash site until 12:20am to come to my house! I guess they said they can't notify you without the coroner there and the coroner was too busy that night. What a horrific job that must be. I get their procedure but it just isn't right. It just isn't right that my son's body had to sit at that crash site for so long til the coroner arrived and I didn't know. I couldn't go to him. And that we had to wait not knowing where he was for so long. There must be a better way and then to be yelled at by an officer is just unacceptable.

I read this yesterday on a grief web site and thought it says it all.

All the Days of My Life

lynn, that was so beautiful. I cryed hard reading it, but when I lost my only child  the love of my life  shawn, I still want to die, I pray every night to go.  to many family and friends have hurt me through this, telling me to get over it. I have lost everything, careing, loving. I just want to be with shawn now.  hes my life, in my life and heart  I just don't care about anything or any one. I need my baby.      hugs to you    kim

Thanks for sharing Lynn <3

Lynn,

thanks, I think it strikes a chord of understanding exactly how we feel. Now at home in IndiaI alternate between feeling my son close to me and then a shock that he wont be coming back... also got cold n flu and kind of nursing myself back to feeling ok.. I keep talking to my son and there is so much to share and will once im over this flu bit.. it will be gone soon with the medication so lots of love to all my dear friends .

Vasanthi, feel better fast! Sorry to hear you've gotten sick. How did you celebrate Shreyas' birthday? Is Craig coming soon to join you? Prayers! I sent you a text, but I suspect you can't get them so far away from the States.

Lynn, what you shared was profoundly beautiful and true. It's so "easy" to want to give up and give into the incredible grief. But there ARE others we love and who love us and we were left here for a reason. None of it makes sense now, but hopefully, when we join our loved ones, it will. Thanks so much for taking the time to share that.

Lynn, this is so true from what you posted....part of the deepest struggles...

I don't know why we dwell on being with our loved one. Maybe it is because, in life, we were there for them. If they needed us, all they had to do was call. Now, there is no cell to where they are. We don't know where they are or if they need us. We are tortured from the not knowing. If we could know, without any doubt, that they were happy, they were doing good, would we still want to follow? Or would we be a little okay with waiting until our time comes? Our minds go over this same ground as though it were a hamster on a wheel, forever going around and around with the same questions without answers. Even those with deep faith can have the same thoughts. It is not a sin or wrong to think this way. It is not a loss of faith. It is human, only human.

I talked just about everyday to my son...sometimes more than that...the last three years he was alive I had left my employment and downsized any working hours...I am so thankful I did...

What is odd is that I had made this decision in an October...of 2009...I was at a Women's Retreat and the speaker was a Physician's Assistant who was having a hard time managing her work-life balance...it was affecting her physically...and she had just lost her brother...when I heard that story I was in a difficult job at the time...very stressful....I gave it up and from that I was able to experience so many bonding moments with my son...all I ever needed was just to be with him...he was a very peaceful kind of person...hurting people were often drawn to him because he would listen to their stories...hear their pain...it had a calming effect....

Last night my daughter told me of a headline that a 93 year old man was just now being charged with crimes he had committed against humanity during the Holocaust...I think, why did he get the full life...why did my son draw the "short straw"...he was so good to people...and it just did not matter...

The person who killed my son is still running around hiding from the law even though she has a nationwide warrent for her arrest...she was "very bad news" for a long time...and yet my son is the one taken...his life gone...

Michelle,

Thanks and am recovering and wish 

i could speed up the damn virus out of my system. I have my local cell here and the landline so the US cell number is active for wats app and other things which can be done with the wifi.. I have the computer and local numbers and since almost everyone is here communication is not a problem. I don't want you to waste money and msg so am not sending the local number :) Shreyas's birthday is on the 28th and 3 years have gone by and he would have been 30. Craig is reaching here on the 28th soin the morning I will just go to the temple me and Shreyas used to go to and probably stare at ' God' and come back.

L R, Jesse's mom I know how difficult it is to accept the death of our children and how we feel so much because they were simply the sweetest and best kids around. It does seem unfair to have people who have committed so many crimes to live on isnt it? but who is to say that they have happy lives? Whatever the crime , the punishment will be fair and just. Please try to hold on to the fact that your son was good and sweet and definitely will not be suffering. When we compare with people all around its a losing battle for what we dont have will always pinch. Let it rest and keep your son's love and yours for him burning strongly in your heart, I think the best tribute is to live well and give of ourselves as much as we can . There are days when I feel empty and hollow so I know its easy to talk about giving but slowly the heart will fill up and we will find the joy needed within to share it.

I never got to see my son. He laid there all weekend alone.  They wouldn't allow me anywhere near him.  This tears at me,  on one hand I'm glad I didn't see what my ex-husband saw and on the other hand my baby left without the touch of his mother.  

We talked for several hours on the phone and he was found with the phone in his hand.  Did he hang up and fall or was he trying to call me back?  Did he know what was happening? Was he scared? 

Yesterday I was starting to eat dinner when I started to worry if he ate. Then I realized how stupid that thought was. 

Lynn your right.....my mind is the hamster running around the wheel.

Teresa,

I can truly understand and we live with all this everyday. So many unanswered questions and especially with someone where there was no problem asking questions and getting them answered, its all the more painful. So we just have to think that all is well given the beautiful nature of our children they are surely fine, and we have to keep them close to our hearts and feed them with love and nurture them with with prayers.

it all just makes me so TIRED and SAD... every day I find myself just drifting off no matter what I'm doing and going to thoughts of Brandon and I try to see him in my mind laughing and smiling and loving life like he was when he was here on earth with me... I want to see into Heaven and KNOW he is still laughing and smiling and loving life... I have no desire to live a long time now... if ever I did... I know I MUST live long enough to take care of my other disabled son as long as he is alive because there is only me and my husband and he would soon die if he had to leave us and go into a 'facility'... I think they call them that because they 'facilitate' the end to guys like mine... not ALL of course... but I never want him to have to go to one.. but after HE is gone.. if I last that long... I don't want to stay anymore in this world... I do NOT want to outlive my husband... there's just nothing left for me then... my other son up in NE never calls or emails or even acknowledges MY emails.. I have stopped calling because its always voice mail and no call backs... I'm very very sad that this is the way it is, but I'm committed to living here until my other son here with me is gone because of the support systems here that take care of him.. I can't transfer that support to NE without long involved waiting processes that might never actually 'kick in' for him.. and its getting harder and harder to travel all that way to see the rest of my family... and except for my oldest son's visit down here with his family each Thanksgiving, none of my family ever visits, ever HAS visited... I guess I have been disowned... who knows... who cares anymore... I do miss my grandchildren and my oldest son but what can I do?  Most of all I miss my sweet Brandon who truly knew how to love... I love you so much my darling boy....

I feel so lost this week.  Back to the sudden tears out of nowhere.  It's so hard facing the fact that this is my life now.  Our lives now.  We will never be as we were before.  Maybe better at times, but never whole.

My heart is with all of you.  I know how it is and feel helpless that I can't help.  I can only offer my support and prayers/wishes for your having easier days.  They are now gifts that we took for granted, so I always pray for them for all of you.

Stay in the day.  Focus on today.  Never thought I would be living this way, but I guess whoever said, "one day at a time" knew something I didn't know before.

Sending blessings of peace for each of you.

Ammy, did you ever get any resolution over your son's death?

Answers is what I mean.

Thanks, Ammy. I knew things had been unresolved and wondered if you had ever gotten any final answers. I know it doesn't change things, but I think sometimes it helps to understand what happened. I guess I'll always wonder, too, about the sequence of events that led to my son's death, but realize I'll never know. I guess we need to focus on the fact that they're at peace, happy, and no longer have to face the trials of this world. God rest their precious souls!

thank you for your words of comfort Ammy. I will try harder to stay in the day, you are so right.  when my thoughts drift to the day's as it was before losing my Desiree' (which is everyday but sometimes not every moment) I reel out of control. cry uncontrollably. scream her name as if she'd answer me. it's been 6 months. I cannot fathom this being the rest of my life. I realize I need to be in control of how I handle this but some day's it's all but impossible.

Dolly,

read what you wrote and feel distressed at so many things . I'm glad you have your husband and Bo and the son who visits during thanksgiving. Wish we could have worked out a meeting when you were visiting in Boston but I will try and plan something. Don't keep saying that you dont want to outlive anyone etc , we do not have any choice as we know. I'm keeping you close to me in my heart and prayers and am wishing for happiness and peace in any form they may come. Please do not feel I am advising or anything as I am most ill qualified for that given my own struggles and pain, just that I love u and want you to be in a happier place inside.

Thank you Ammy for your words of advice...I too have thought of the philosophy One day at a time...sometimes it is half a day at a time...sorry you are having a rough time...

Vasanthi, thank you also for the kind reply...I hope you are finding some measure of comfort from your home in India...

Linda, your feelings at the six months are very normal...I felt I was going to grieve in the way that was natural for me...no expectations...

This is my second child death. During the first one, I was too pressured to conform to expectations...it will get softer as you go...be gentle with yourself as you are so very new to the grief journey...

it's been 6 months now since losing my only child Desiree'. My every moment is consumed with thoughts of her. I feel somewhat isolated because my husband (my second) is not her natural father and as much as he may try to understand my deep pain I don't feel he truly can. I cry so much and cannot sleep. I have moments to myself while he may be in the other room; I cry and thoughts about my baby. Her birthday is coming. I don't know exactly what I should do on that  day. She's only been gone now for 6 months. I wonder if people, even direct family will understand my need to celebrate that day.

Linda,

It's been 6 months since the loss of my daughter as well. I am still at the point that one day at a time is not comforting to me. All I feel is the pain... The Agonizing loss. My daughters birthday however was in June. There was no debate on whether or not I was going to celebrate. All around me do not grieve as I. They have moved on and no longer seek to comfort me. I do not hold this against them. It is just lonely and excruciating to mourn so without the ability to share and vent. I still have yet to determine how to move forward other than to still be adrift on this planet which seems to turn whether I desire it to continue to do so or not... I fear living with this pain, because I know I could not endure these feelings for the rest of my days here. I do not want to.... It is a struggle to be...just be, much less be the functioning me. Celebrate her birth. Remembering one of the most joyous days of my life...the day I first held her in my arms was the only day, so far, I could bear the agony. Because the feelings I experienced at her birth were the only moments to eclipse the pain of her loss.

Oh Eva,

you so seem to understand me. I am so sorry for your loss as I completely comprehend your deep pain. My Desiree's birthday will be Oct 1st. I without question will celebrate the birth of my only child, as to how this will be received by others is unknown. I still am not sure as to how to actually do the celebration and whom to incorporate into the day but I know that even if I alone do so then so be it.

My every waking moment and every last thought is of my daughter. I too am not sure how, if this is my "new normal", will endure the remaining days of my life.

It seems as time goes on others have put her passing behind them. I still speak of Desiree' in the present tense. Most particularly with those who are not aware of my loss. Damn them all, I will continue to speak of her in the present tense.

Thank you for your words, Eva.

I say celebrate your child's birthday anyway you want to regardless who thinks what about it. 

Yes celebrate her birthday. On my son's birthday  we had a drum circle outside with his closest friends and family. We left a chair and drum for him.  I know he was there with us. It was something he loved and something everyone else could participate in and express their love and pain through the rhythms they beat. I think I may make it a tradition because I felt like  it truly was a celebration of his being. Especially for his friends who are still just kids and really don't know how to deal with it either. My son once wrote a quote after a very close friend passed away, that we live by. He said "Those who have passed do not wish to be mourned, they wish to be celebrated." Words from the mouth of a 12 year old. The pain never stops and neither will my love for my Daniel. I will always celebrate him deep in my heart for the greatest love I will ever know. I miss you so much my sweet baby.

Connie, I thought your drum circle was a great idea and I hope you find the energy to continue it.  The 12 year old is right.  We have to find ways to live for them and celebrate their life rather then keep mourning them.  Michael was here and I won't let anyone forget it.  

Michael will always be my son. 

I'm choosing to do the hockey tournament in his name.  I'm hoping this year is bigger and better than last year.  I know Michael is proud of what we are doing. 

It's been a hell of a journey getting to this point and I can't say I'm at a peaceful place but I know I'm working towards it. 

Teresa I love that you will continue to do that tournament in celebration of Michael. Ever since you did that last year, I was impressed by your ability to put in the time and energy to organize something like that and that is such a wonderful tribute to your son. You were an inspiration on how to use our time to make a difference even if for one day in our lives and touch others who want to remember too. I don't doubt for a moment that our children help and guide us through these times and give us inspiration and strength to survive. Hugs to everyone

When the seasons begin to change it makes it harder. My son loved the fall and his favorite corduroy jacket. He thought it made him look cool and it did. He had it on that last night and I couldn't get it back from the funeral home because they said there was too much blood and glass. My husband said ok but I wanted it anyway. But now I will think of it untattered on him and looking cool. God it hurts so bad...

so sorry Chelle. I guess I am lucky to at least have gotten his personal effects back

Today is my daughter Jessica's birthday. This is the 2nd birthday since she has been gone, she would have been 29. I miss her so much and think of her every moment of every day.

Thank you Michelle, it is so bittersweet.

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Jessica.

zell. everything you said, I have gotten that to from my family. yes it hurts a lot.i have asked them over and over to stop but its like talking to the wall.  now there saying get out more do something. I DONT WANT TO, I go see my baby everyday that's my outing. why cant they just be here for us, and shut the hell up. to me its just heartless,  hugs to you hun tc love kim  

I second that Michelle! Jesse looks like such a sweet soul.

Happy birthday Jesse and Julie may you have some peaceful moments today with memories of your beautiful daughter. Hugs Lynn 

Thank you all for the birthday wishes for Jessica, I miss her so much.  I read your comment Zell, and omgee the same thing happened to me last night! "You have to let it go" they say, "get on with your life" they say, "I have lost brother sister etc.. and I put it behind me" they say. I say IT IS MY CHILD! How can I stop ever thinking about my child? Tell me to stop breathing instead....it might be easier! They say I am being self-destructive...I am just trying to cope. I have lost 2 children and 1 step-daughter in past 1 1/2 years....I need as long as it takes to get me to come back to the land of the living.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESSICA!

I admit it I was one of those people who said all the wrong things to a friend when she lost her son.  I thought I was encouraging her. It wasn't until I lost my Michael when I quickly realized how wrong my words were.  As soon as she called I apologized to her and told her how I just didn't get it. Of course she forgave me.

They mean well, they want to see us smile again.  And like me then, they just don't get it.  While their words are painful to us we hope they never have to get it. 

This is a long hard journey for all of us.  No of us know where the road leads or when it ends but we have to keep walking down it with those damn shoes that are bleeding from the ton of concrete on our backs.

I sit here 2 years in and while I want to be able to offer words of wisdom I have none. I wish I could tell you I no longer cry or miss Michael but I can't. I can only tell you that every day I get a little bit better at managing it.  To me that means seeing a son and mother in the store or a restaurant and not breaking down at that very moment.

I still don't know who the new me is and I still can't get anyone to see the old me is gone.  They want me to be the positive, happy, strong person they seen me as while I sit here feeling like the saddest most broken person ever.

I miss my "snuggle time" with Michael. He was a grown man yet he allowed me to get my snuggle time.  And even though he was a grown man that rested his arm on my head he allowed me to wrestle him and win. All I have our my memories that I will forever cherish and just like now I will repeat them forever. 

Dolly, Bo does need you.  Brandon got that huge smile from your love. 

Well said Teresa D. All so true and how I feel.

And yes!! a happy birthday to Jessica <3.